Zombie Attack Plan

This very helpful map outlines the best places to go if the zombies invade Sacramento. I, personally, think this is an inevitable event, so preparation is absolutely essential. Unfortunately, as far as I'm aware, there has been no zombie invasion map made of Savannah and/or Annapolis, so escape routes will have to be formulated on the spot wherever I happen to be at the time of the coming invasion. Oh.. and if you run too close to me I am totally going to have to trip you. No offense.

Maturity

My feelings have been hurt in a big way. No really.. my internet feelings are crushed beyond repair. There is nothing to do now except throw waves of guilt at the offending party.

Brian J., whom I thought was a pal, has made it clear that he is only humoring an old woman in her golden years. He told me (in his comments section to the blog post about my baby Brooke's upcoming Christmas), that I was known as a "erm.. mature woman." What an awful thing to say to a girl!

No no, I'm fine.. really. Don't worry about me. I have my prunes and my walker to keep me company.

Just Stuff

My son, who was unexpectedly left behind in Dallas (and had to go back home), will be here this weekend for a 10 day visit. Yes, I sucked it up and just bought him a ticket this time. Unfortunately, since he doesn't know about this blog - I expect he would be a tad upset with me for posting about him eating worms n'shit, and since I have been told that blogging on the job is an absolute no no, and since I'm all about following the rules - I don't know how often I will be posting whilst he is visiting. Although I notice that I haven't posted anything since Monday, but that is for no reason at all except pure laziness on my part.

So, I'm saying all this just to say I'll be back when I'm back. If I get a moment of quiet I will post, but I expect with a very bored 17 year old around I will be reminded that there is life outside of my home and be forced to go to seafood restaurants and stuff, although he has told me that he totally wants to hang out with the two lesbians, their gay roomate, their 6 cats and 9 ferrets, and drink beer. I can arrange the lesbians, cats, ferrets, gay guy, but the beer is off the radar dammit.

Go read Brian J., who has posted a helpful shopping list for me of things to buy as Christmas gifts for my darling baby Brooke. hehe

Just One Letter

The following is part of an actual email conversation that I recently participated in:

Them: Garbles. Did you giggle?

Me: No, cuz its HARBLES. I did yell at Jake this weekend to stop licking his harbles, and yes, it did make me giggle.

Them: DAMN IT! 1 letter off. GUCK! CAMN! THIT!

I have some hysterically funny friends. hehe

BUSTED

Due to the unexpected fact that this blog has been accidentally discovered at work (more due to the fact that I'm a stupid git), this blog is being transformed from sarcasm central to more, shall we say, inspirational posts, to atone for my sins. (Kate Gosselin Hair Cut)

No more will you see naughty words here, such as fuck, shit, bitch or Pauly Shore. From now on lady bits will be referred to as "vajaja," and man bits will be referred to as "that dangly thing." *Kate Gosselin Hair Cut*

From now on when you visit this blog, you will go away with a sense of peace and tranquility. [Kate Gosselin Hair Cut]

I humbly apologize to anyone who may or may not have been offended by my evil ways. (Kate Gosselin Hair Cut)

Speaking of evil ways, I also humbly apologize to the hard drinking, tattooed & pierced lesbian for leading her away from the path of righteousness to a life of debauchery unlike any that our office has ever seen before (apparently). I recognize the fact that she would be a perfect angel if not for my vile influence. {Kate Gosselin Hair Cut}

Finally, please know that Jesus loves us. This we know. For the Bible tells us so. ~Kate Gosselin Hair Cut~

Baby Stuff

I suspect there will be many posts about my darling grandbaby girl. She is going to have an interesting life. I do believe she is already aware of what is to come for her because the attitude is aleady showing. I received pictures in my email from my ex husband, several of the grandbaby in a four generation pose. I noticed something when I was looking at them and burst out laughing... I couldn't help myself.




I'm pretty sure it was deliberate on our baby's part, she is just that smart.

Interesting times ahead.

Drunk Drivers

I have always been somewhat militant against driving after drinking anything at all. I feel guilty if I drive after having just one beer. I lecture my friends, family members and co-workers about it. I nag, whine and cajole and ask them to please, please, PLEASE just call me to come get them if they have been drinking and need a ride home.

My daughter and her boyfriend were in their car last night, going to his mother's house for the 4th of July obligatory cookout and fireworks display, when a drunk driver hit them head on. The baby was not with them, thank God, and they weren't seriously hurt, just banged, bruised and very sore.

I am afraid that this will cause me to be more of a nagger about it than ever. It could have been so much worse than what it was. As it is their car is destroyed, but they are still alive. They will have loads of bullshit to deal with, with insurance and all, but they are still able to hold and raise that baby girl. So many people aren't that lucky.

Please do not drive when you've been drinking.

Have You Ever Noticed...

That sometimes, when you wake up sick in the middle of the night, throwing up... your body attempting to eject any superfluous organs that it considers non-essentials, your only comfort is the fact that you will get a day off from work to die in peace. And then morning comes and you feel better. No fever, no more throwing up, and since everything that made you sick in the first place is long gone you feel almost normal except for the lack of sleep and the headache you have from trying to eject your eyeballs.

When things like that happens there is no sympathy to be found anywhere. You only annoy the people who you might happen to be living with by the loud vomiting while they are trying to sleep, and when morning comes and you feel better they look at you as if you are faking. You call into work and since you didn't call while your arms are desperately hugging the toilet or whilst loudly throwing up they aren't very sympathetic either and just want to know when you can make it in.

Yeah... I'm going in after lunch hour.

Papers due n'stuff.

SOMEONE feel sorry for me please.....

I think I'll go take a nap. I wish the damn dog that lives upstairs would stop his fucking barking.

A Word That Makes Me Giggle

Harbles

Thought you ought to know.

Tshirt Hell

It has been a long time since I visited Tshirt Hell, so I thought I would have a look at their new stuff. I was not disappointed and just HAD to share it with you guys.


This could apply to any situation anywhere EVER.


I've never actually been to Idaho, but if someone has a differing opinion than the one on this incredibly brilliant tshirt, I will be happy to post it.


I'm pretty sure the ex-boyfriend came up with this one.


No explanation nee....zzzzzz


Just kidding. Size doesn't matter. (snicker)

This one made me giggle.


This could describe a few people I know.


Agreed. This guy can pay my tab anytime. Then I would have no choice but to put out. It would be the least I could do.


But with my luck he'd probably take this attitude.


I saved the best for last. I'm hoping it will help my fucking rating.

There you have it, another brilliant installment from my favorite clothier.

Well Its New To Me!

The Handsome JC is a music fanatic, which is cool for me because he is always getting for me CDs of bands that would normally not be anywhere near my radar. I guess he is trying to broaden my horizons. This one is Coheed & Cambria, whom I confess to have never heard of before now. I know.. most of you guys are probably wondering where I've been n'stuff, but come on now really. Look at their picture -



That one guy disturbs me. (No not that one, the other one.)

I used to cut hair for a living (before I decided that computers were more fun to work with than people). That is one scary do.

Love their music though.

In other musical news... Well ok it isn't news, just idle gossip (hehe).

My son is a die hard, OMG! Flaming Lips fan. (Their music speaks to him, and he has attempted to use me to stalk them.) So my son, knowing that one of my best friends was married to one of the band members and that I went to high school with 90% of the band, asked me why the former lead singer quit. Apparently, from what I've seen, the reason is the stuff of mythical legends. He asked me did I know the answer. Why yes my son, yes I do. Well why then? I told him the reason. It was anticlimactic and his disappointment was extreme.

Even rock stars can be mundane.

I'm the Nightmare Ex

I just read this article about a guy who was taking his new girlfriend to a party where his ex-wife would be. He was running over the several nightmare scenarios of the possible outcome. This made me think back to Christmas before last when I met my ex-husband's girlfriend. I wasn't very nice.

Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't her fault. She seemed nice enough and believe it or not, I was genuinely happy that my ex-husband had found someone that he cared about and who seemed to care about him. The problem was that I was very, very, VERY angry at my ex-husband, and that came out in the meeting. I am pretty sure that the new girl thought it was directed at her, but what could I say. At that point I didn't care.

What happened was that on Christmas morning, which he and I had always made a point of sharing with our children even after the divorce, my son opened a gift from his father and it turned out to be something that I had stood firmly against him having until he turned 18. My son knew he wasn't allowed to have it until he was 18 and my ex-husband knew my view on it, but he got it for him anyway. I was, how shall we say it... murderous. That night while I was sitting peacefully at my parent's house, my ex-husband arrived to introduce the new girl to me. I was still murderous and it was very apparent.

I feel a little bad now about behaving that way because I know (or at least hope) that it had nothing to do with her, that it was just him being him and overriding my wishes (yet again).

The two of them have since broken up, but if ever I see her I will apologize for behaving like a spoiled child in front of her.

And then we can laugh about the ex that belongs to the both of us now.

MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

The Trons

I guess it saves on drug and alcohol expenses.

I Have Found a New Love

Hillside Self Heating Beverages.

Oh. My. Gawd.

I read about these last year but forgot about them until I was in Oklahoma, when I happened to see them at the store and bought a couple of them. I'm hooked. No microwaving, no heating water, no coffee maker, no Starbucks. You press the little button and voila, a few minutes later you have steaming hot (and quite tasty) coffee and a nifty hand warmer. I only wish it were winter so I could enjoy the full effect of having warm hands when I am outdoors in the cold.





It has been discovered that they also sell these things with chicken soup and tomato soup in them. I am SO going to the store at lunch to see if I can find them.

Life is good. hehe




(No, I am not being paid for this rave review.)

I'll Miss Ya George

California

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the men didn't hold hands.

Well That Didn't Take Long

Ms. Odat answered the test question almost before I had it typed. Yup, it is Moonshadow sung by Cat Stevens, which is my current favorite CD. I'm jealous that she actually saw this guy back when he was Cat Stevens and not Yusuf Islam.. although I watched a couple of videos of him singing now and he's still a damn good singer (apologies Yusuf for saying the word damn when describing you, but it applies).



My brother gave me this CD when we were driving from Dallas to my parents' place in Oklahoma last week. He said he didn't like it much. What??? How can anyone not be enthralled with Cat Stevens?? Damn Texan. He probably listens to country.

And now, on to other news that is happening in my general vicinity these days........






























Yeah. That's it. Exciting isn't it?

A Test

If I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth north and south, if I ever lose my mouth...

I won't have to talk.

What is that quote from?

One More... Just Because

I had to cuz it is such an adorable picture. :-)

Oh Noooo

I returned to the humble abode last night. I'm tired.. and what is worse is I feel horribly guilty as well. My 17 year old son is trapped in Dallas.

Here is what happened:

My brother is a pilot. He can get us tickets that cost us nothing, to fly pretty much anywhere. The problem though is that we have to fly stand by. Sometimes we can catch an easy flight and sometimes we can't, but its free so we don't complain. My son was flying back to Savannah with me yesterday. We survived the being trapped for 3 hours on the airplane that was sitting out on the runway whilst we waited for the storm in Dallas to stop. We survived the eating the TGIF food. We ran into my brother (in his pilot's uniform), and his fiance (in her flight attendant uniform), and we stood there and talked to them until time for our flight out of Dallas. It was nice, it was comfortable... and then the clerk called my name. They only had room for one of us on the flight. I had to be back to work today and my brother and his girlfriend promised to get my son on the flight to Jacksonville and then I could drive from here to pick him up.

Only they canceled the flight to Jacksonville.

So now my son is trapped in Dallas.

The guilt. Oh the guilt.

He probably had the time of his life, staying with his favorite uncle in their fancy new house.

The little shit.

Just Look At That Face

Is that not the most gorgeous thang you've ever seen? Unfortunately for you guys (all two of you), I have held (and babysat) the little peanut and have fallen hopelessly in love. She sleeps through the day, keeps her mama up all night, screams her head off when she's getting a bath, makes the most godawful faces, but I've never seen anything so stinking cute.

I think I might like this grammy stuff. hehe

And She's Off!

I'm flying out to Oklahoma in the morning to go meet my newly sprogged grandchild. I will be there approximately 6 days and I may or may not get to post whilst I'm away. I am in the middle, as I type, of trying to convince The Handsome JC to guest blog for me, but he sounds less than enthusiastic about it, so I won't hold my breath. I mean really.. how hard is it to type something profound and utterly brilliant on a daily basis?

Anyway, I will post if I can, but if not I will be back quicker than the ex boyfriend could jump at meaningless sex.

In the meantime, here is a video for your viewing pleasure. I bet all of you know someone just like this.

She Won!!

It's true, Jess won a prize in the raffle. It wasn't the laptop though (sorry chicklet, I did fully intend to give it to you if I had won it), it was a "Limited Edition" print of a painting of River Street in Savannah... except there are two bridges (or something like that).

I just want to know where she is going to hang that lovely piece of high art.

We can take consolation in one thing, and that is that Potty Monitor didn't win it either.

Oh, by the way, those of you who still wander back here and read this crap, the ever-powerful Potty Monitor is back at it, watching our light usage whilst we take our bio breaks. Some things never change, not even my underhanded attempts to drive her to distraction.

LIGHTS OUT...... MWA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

The Shit Will Hit The Fan Now

It all started with a phone call.

Sunday afternoon my phone rang. The caller ID said it was my daughter, who was due to sprog at any minute.

I picked up the phone, said hey there... silence, except for a tiny sob on the other end. I asked what was wrong. More quiet sobs. I asked again what was wrong. "n n n nothing. (sob)" What's going on, I asked, why are you crying? "I don't k k knowwwwww (sob)." Then why are you crying?? "I think my water broke - *whimper*." Ohhhh. I asked her was she sure she didn't pee herself? (I know, but it was funny at the time, hehe) Her response was, "I DON'T KNOW!!! *WAILLLLL*"

Turns out she hadn't peed herself.



Brooke Vegas, born Monday morning at approximately 8:30 a.m., 7 lbs. 15 oz.

Holy moley I'm a grandma.

But isn't she gorgeous.

Eating Worms

This is another epic tale of my son and his adventures. This one involves his crafty older sister. I've told you about his strange pets, Sassy and Hank, and I've told you about his utter delight with a very strange present, but I have never told you how susceptible he was to his big sister's suggestions.

When he was a baby she was so disappointed that he wasn't a girl that she dressed him in a pink robe and taped paper hair all over his bald head. He endured it with extreme stoicism. When he was older she dressed him as a cheerleader. He was quite enthusiastic about that one. One year at Christmas she dressed him as a shepherd and they sat in the laundry basket sleigh with our dog George being dressed up as a reindeer (cross referenced Christmas, but that's okay, it was cute). All of her antics were met by him with nothing more than a slight frown which soon slipped into an expression of resignation. She was his boss, he was born to do as she said.

The particular incident I am about to tell you about had me completely grossed out, but laughing, but curious to see where it would go, then grossed out again.

My daughter, in her infinite wisdom, brought her brother a worm. A common earthworm, nothing more. He was slightly confused but accepted the gift graciously, nonetheless.

She then dared him to eat it.

He refused.

She prodded, cajoled and used all of her powers of persuasion. I could see that he was weakening, so I told him DON'T YOU DARE. He again refused. She again prodded, manipulated and begged. He again weakened. By this time I could see where this was going. I knew earthworms wouldn't hurt him, but ewwwwwwwwwww....

At this point I was pretty sure she would never convince him to eat the thing. But then he did the unthinkable.

He told her he would eat it if she would cook it for him.

That then started the begging and whining on her part, directed at me this time, to allow her to cook the worm for my son. I refused. She prodded, cajoled and drove me insane. I weakened. She prodded some more. I told her she was not allowed to use my good frying pan. That inspired her.

She ran into the house and dug through my pots and pans until she found one that was never used anymore, one that was scratched and ruined and needed to be thrown away. (DAMMIT why didn't I throw that thing away before then??)

She then commenced to frying up that earthworm for my son to eat. He turned a little green, but had already made the promise. She brought that fried worm out to my son (we were outdoors at the time), and said, "Here!" He looked at it, looked at me, I was saying, "Don't do it, don't do it don't do it..." but he had promised.

He then told her that he couldn't do it. She took it back into the house, and in a burst of creativity that impresses me to this day, came out with that worm in a hot dog bun with ketchup on it.

He ate it. He didn't die.

She was happy and he was smug.

Motorcycles

I mentioned in the last post about JC's new motorcycle. I am excited for him as far as being excited about motorcycles go. I don't ride.. or at least I haven't in many years. He, however, is determined that I will relearn that particular skill. That is all well and good, but I told him that if he wants me to ride then he is going to have to find me one of these:




Name that tune. :-)

(I know of one person who will recognize this without a doubt, but will he comment.... to be seen I suppose.)

Quirks

The Handsome JC, the love of my life, the man of my dreams, is weird. Yes, its true, and I'll tell ya why.

A few days ago there were tornadoes in the area where he lives. He was at work and someone mentioned to him that there was severe activity in the vicinity of his house. Obviously there wasn't much he could do about it, so he stayed at work and finished out his day. On the way home from work, a 45 minute drive, he worried about one thing - no, not his brand new Harley Davidson Rocker C that was parked outside, nor whether he still had a roof on his house - he worried about whether the cover was blown off his hot tub again because he says that thing is hellishly heavy to carry back up the stairs from his yard to his deck.

Thankfully, when he arrived, his $25,000 motorcycle was intact, as was his roof, but I could hear the relief in his voice when he announced that his hot tub cover was firmly where it was supposed to be, on the hot tub.

Now, if it had been me, and someone had told me there was a tornado near my house, I would have i) panicked; ii) mourned the loss of my dog because I knew he would be in the midst of a fatal stroke; and iii) worried about my new cinnamon apple candle I just bought and hadn't had a chance to burn yet.

Or something like that. But if I had a $25,000 motorcycle sitting outside, I think my priorities would have been a bit different.

Yep, he's weird. That's probably why we get along so well.

Sheep

I've gone and done it now. I've joined the herd. I'm a LOLcat fanatic.



But they are so freaking funny. And sometimes they speak to me.

More Flight of the Conchords

A friend at work (no not that one) has decided that she is a huge fan of Flight of the Conchords. She has sent YouTube videos and outlined the television program plots. She has sang bits of every song they have ever done. I decided that drastic measures were needing to be taken, so I emailed them. Yes. I sent an email to Flight of the Conchords.

Dear Mr. Clement and Mr. McKenzie:

I am writing to you because we, at our office, need your help.

One of the girls here has formed an obsession with you (the both of you we think, but she has never specified really) and your musical antics. She has taken to describing the plots of your television program in detail, to sending clips of the two of you in funny situations, to laughing hysterically at the mention of either of your names.

She has also formed the annoying habit of walking through a room saying, “I’m the hiphopapotamus, my rhymes are bottomless..............” and leaving it open at the end so that we are all left waiting for the next line that never comes. IT NEVER COMES!

Please help us.

Deb

I was going to send her a copy but decided that she would more than likely send me to Jesus. As soon as I get a response (and I fully expect to), I'll then let her know what I've done.

She'll probably still send me to Jesus.

But at least it will be funny.

hehe

This Is My Life

Thank you Mr. Savage for summing up the blog wars with my office partner.

Well done. hehe

The Dumbest Quote EVER

"It makes it safer for everyone who's inside the prison system, both the inmates, the staff members -- the correctional custody staff," said Matt Gray from Taxpayers for Improving Public Safety. "Prison simply cannot function in a safe manner right now with all of the overcrowding."

Taken from this article about early releases from prison to ease prison overcrowding in California... because we're all about making sure the prison inmates are safe.

I don't live in California, but if you are interested in reminding them how much of a dumbass idea this is, or to point out that you had never heard a more dumbass quote, that on a level of dumbassedness that rates a 200 which makes Mr. Gray the king of all dumbasses, the email form is here.

Maybe I'm just missing something.

Have You Ever..........?

Had one of those moments when the only thing to do was to burst into tears and bitch and moan and cry and wonder why the universe hates you?

That was my weekend. Actually it wasn't all THAT bad, just until I got the mess cleaned up.

Friday at work was Very Very busy (with capital Vs). My intention was to come home, take a nice hot bath, have a glass of wine, and lay in bed and watch tv. Instead I came in to find a dog who had been sick from one end of my apartment to the other. The poor thing, I can't blame him really, but I took one look at the diarhea slung everywhere and burst into tears. I spent Friday evening cleaning and the rest of the weekend taking him outside every hour. I think the neighbors are now familiar with all my pajamas.

Hint here: He kept that up until last night, when I gave him a heaping helping of vanilla yogurt. He loved it and it seems to have shut the diarhea down. He ia almost back to normal.

That was my weekend. I demand a do over.

My Current CD

I bought this CD this past weekend and have been listening to it. It is pretty damn funny, but to be honest I prefer to watch these guys on the tv.

Bitch

This person has been awful and mean to me for most of the day. I mentioned that I was having trouble seeing without my glasses today (because they are broken), and she said, of course, that it was all due to menopause. I am not amused.

I'm pretty sure it is just a case of pure jealousy because we both entered a raffle and I have informed her that I will be winning the laptop, so to keep her drool off of it. She was not amused.

The drawing is next week. Let's hope that we don't kill each other before then, although she has posted her Christmas List and I have just informed her that I like the vacuum and do believe I will get myself one and not let her touch it.

MWA HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

**Update**

She just read this and her only comment was, "You suck." No imagination, I swear.

The Saddest Pictures I Have Ever Seen

This brings tears to my eyes.

Time for them to come home, I'm thinking.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. A 9 1/2 hour drive goes much much faster when it is somewhere you are looking forward to visiting.

2. A 9 1/2 hour drive is torture when you are not wanting to go home.

3. Our kids are annoying no matter how old they are.

4. Hot tubs get uncomfortably warm even when it is 50 degrees outdoors.

5. German Chocolate Cake will be wiped out before the birthday dinner.

6. So will deviled eggs.

7. New babies believe they are giving you a wonderful gift when they are pooping their diaper and spitting up on you at the same time... although it is very cute when they grin after gifting you. (Yes, it is a boy - the bodily function pride starts early, apparently.)

8. I'd still do Indiana Jones.

9. Washington DC drivers scare the everloving shit out of this country girl.

10. Pregnant daughters still need their mothers to tell them to get their pregnant baby bellies out of the 90 degree sun so they don't make the little peanut that she is gestating get overheated.

11. Holiday weekends are more tiring than a regular work day.

12. You guys kept me giggling with your car sex comments, so I guess that means I need to post something ridiculous before I go out of town from now on. No more serious posts.

13. I need Mexican food for lunch.

That's it. I may add to the list as I think of more, but I'm too tired.

Ummm..

Does jacking off inside a car count as having sex with it?

This is the stupidest story I think I have read all year.

As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Holyfuckingmoley

Why oh why did they identify this idiot as American.. we get bad enough press as it is.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Conversation with Odat

Some of you know that I am friends with the famous Ms. Odat. What you don't know is the strange and bizarre paths our conversations occasionally tend to follow. Here is a portion of this morning's conversation:

Deb says:
I gotta go to walmart and get Noah a birthday card, but if I leave a muslim will get my parking spot

Odat says:
lmao.....what??????????????

Deb says:
yeah after I read that the thought crossed my mind that this might just end up as a bloggable conversation. lmao

Odat says:
why, pray tell, will a muslim get your parking space?

Deb says:
cuz they are out to get me.. of course.

Odat says:
oh...ok, i get it now

Odat says:
aluminum hat time

Deb says:
actually its cuz my office is half a block away from the jihad church (it actually says jihad above the door), and I parked right in front of their door this morning when I got here

Deb says:
to make matters worse, the jihad church is directly across the street from the abortion clinic.

Odat says:
lmaooooooo

Deb says:
can you say the most dangerous street in savannah?? lol

Odat says:
sounds dangerous to me

Deb says:
when I got here this morning the catholics were in front of the abortion clinic saying hail mary's really really loud

Odat says:
omg

Odat says:
you should blog this

Deb says:
lol

Deb says:
maybe I'll log the entire conversation and just post that.. seems much easier. lol

Odat says:
that's easier

Deb says:
don't worry.. I'll use your fake name to protect your right to privacy. lmao

Odat says:
I know, you're a good friend that way

Deb says:
actually.. I won't do it if it bugs you.. just seems like a funny conversation. lol

Odat says:
no I wouldn't mind

Deb says:
oh cool.. your fans will be impressed that I am pals with you. hehe

There you have it. Another weird one. Thanks girlfriend.. you do keep me laffing. hehe

*P.S.: We decided to do the twin posts just for the comedic factor. Oh shut up, you know you laughed. (snicker)*

Holy Moley

It just struck me, just now, how absolutely crazy things are going to be for me for the next month or so. I am driving to Annapolis next weekend to spend JC's birthday with him. A week or so after that my daughter is due to have her baby and I will be taking off and driving to Oklahoma for that happy occasion (18 hour drive, OMG), but we'll have that cute little baby to cuddle. I will be bringing my son back with me for the summer and I plan to take him up to Annapolis to meet his impending step-brother and to haul him around D.C. and do the tourist thing. With all my trips up to that area I have only been into D.C. to go to sports events (goooo Caps!), so I'm looking forward to just walking around and gawking.

*I don't think JC has been reading my blog so I will put this here too...*

I think when I'm up there I will suggest we go get married, just for the opportunity to laugh at the reaction. My mom told me to take a picture of of the expression on his face. I said that he is liable to call my bluff and say okay let's go.... she then said, then have him take a picture of the expression on YOUR face. Thanks mom. hehe

I Stole This Post

I just visited the great Brian J. Noggle, who apparently borrowed the idea from the wonderful Dustbury. I liked it so much I thought I'd join in on the action.

What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish. Additionally, I have listed in green the ones that I have on my to read shelves to actually read.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno (and Purgatory and Paradise)
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes: a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Obviously I am not as well read as our Mr. Noggle. Apparently I have a lot of reading to do before I, too, can look smart. :-)

Lost Dog

This flyer for a lost dog was dropped off at our office. It has pretty much cracked everyone up.

click for the full effect

Body and fur are very similar to this & her face is kind of similar to this
Do Not Chase

AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

Vagueness and not catching the dog is the way to go when looking for a lost dog, I guess.

Randomness

This photo is the one that brings the most blog hits here. I am not sure why. The poor dog has been ogled at enough, let him live his life in peace and privacy after his tussle with the local neighborhood porcupine.

He is shocked and dismayed that these photos have become so popular amongst the internet elite, but asks that you let him move on from this embarrassing episode of his life and let him recover quietly. He will issue another statement in the future, if one is needed. He says he's fine and only occasionally suffers traumatic flashbacks.

Moving on....

Also popular amongst bloggers is a post I once did for the book Wicked. Apparently there are a lot of people on the lookout for homework cheats. We are an immoral generation. DO YOUR OWN DAMN HOMEWORK.

Moving on...

Since I posted the Cuss-O-Meter, I had sorta, kinda, been on a mission to up my cussing percentage on this blog. It is not working. I just did a check up and my cussing has actually dropped to 10.2%. I am a failure at dirty language. Fuck.

And finally...



This is the motorcycle that The Handsome JC has bought, the Harley-Davidson Rocker C. It seems he will take delivery of it next week, which means that he will have it when I am at his house over Memorial Day weekend. Luckily for me, at the moment it does not have a passenger seat, but he seems to be on a mission to acquire one. I do not like motorcycles, but I won't count anything out until I try it. That thing looks way too fast for my liking though.

That is all. Have a lurvely Thursday.

AH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

My friend gave birth at age 65.

With all the new technology regarding fertility in recent years, a 65-year-old Friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked

"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty more minutes passed and I ance again asked, "May I see please your new baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I anxiously asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?" "Okay...Alright .... WHEN HE CRIES ... WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE .... I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT HIM .... Okay ?!!

The Po Leese

I am a self admitted cynic. In some ways I am as naive as I was when I was kid and I find myself unpleasantly surprised when someone does something nasty to someone else. I just don't expect it and when it does I am shocked and dismayed. However, when it comes to the local police departments, I fully expect THEM to do nasty things. I know I know, they are there to "serve and protect," and that we should give them our full support, blah blah blah, but I rarely see any police officer doing anything other than trying to catch everyday normal citizens doing something out of the ordinary so that they can be separated from their hard earned cash. I drive back and forth between here and Maryland on a fairly regular basis. I have seen unmarked white Mustangs with people pulled over. Now... is it just me or does that just seem WRONG?? The police spill their usual crap about how they are trying to keep us safe, but wouldn't a marked police car, which would deter speeders, make more sense? Deterrence means that we are all safer, right? But no, they put a sports car on the road so that they can catch anyone speeding so that yes, they can have the extra cash for those donuts, or so that they can fill their quotas. Then we have the jaded and burned out police officers who are only in it for the pension.

Recently one of the attorneys at work was in need of a local police officer's deposition regarding an accident that he investigated. The police officer was completely uncooperative (you would think testifying about accidents would be part of his job). That particular police officer was more interested in getting his appearance fee than in doing the job he is already being paid for. Sad, it is.

Then we have the "Police Benevolence Associations" calling our house and asking us for even more of our hard earned cash, throwing the guilt upon our heads about taking care of these officer's family, should they die on the job. Well ya know, let me see... they already get paid more than I do, they are in a job that they chose to do and they knew the risks, not to mention the fact that if something were to happen to me on the job (explosion, ghostly presence, disgruntled client), would anyone be soliciting donations from strangers to take care of my family? I think not. That, coupled with the fact that these "Benevolence Associations" get a very large chunk of the profits from whatever they take in, it is all a crock of shit.

I will insert the usual disclaimer here. I am sure there are good, honest and decent police officers in the world of law enforcement. I, personally, have yet to see those rare creatures.

When the boat crashed next to my apartment a couple of years ago there were 5 police cars with lights blazing outside my apartment, and I was the one being yelled at because I didn't have the truck tag number of the owner or that I didn't get the make and model of the pickup truck. Sorry guys, I was too busy laughing and lamenting the fact that the boat didn't crush my car. Let's see........ no damage, crashed boat, embarrassed boat owner, woman bawling her face off because a boat came loose from a truck and forced her to hit her brakes. A recipe for social disaster apparently since it took 5 police units to respond to the phone call. Police work at its best, I guess.

So there you have it. My weekly rant. I have a cartoon about this but it is on my computer at work. If I remember I will attach it when I get there.

Later, my fellow reprobates.

Actual Work Conversation (as of 12 minutes ago)

Me: I believe that Armageddon has already happened and we are already in Hell.

Jess: No that's global warming!

Proof that Al Gore is Satan? You decide...... Discuss.

Lazy Days and Bad Dreams

I had nightmares last night. All night. Every time I would wake up and drift off back to sleep I would slip into a different dream but with always the same basic theme: a tornado is heading straight towards me. This does not make for relaxing sleep... although this could be a throw back from my growing up in Oklahoma. An observation here. When I tell anyone who knows that I grew up in Oklahoma that I have never seen an actual tornado, they get an incredulous expression on their face and say something along the lines of, "What the fuck??" I then go on to explain that the most probable explanation of that is that when we knew a tornado was coming we hastily made our way to the storm cellar. Or maybe I was just lucky. (This is also the same expression I see when they find out that I'm living in Savannah but that I despise seafood. It just doesn't seem to compute.)

THEN... I wake up this morning and realize that I have been absolutely unmotivated. I don't want to work, and normally this is a job that I love. My motivation has dropped to the nether regions.

How does a person get their motivation back once it has abandoned us?

Whine whine bitch piss moan. This is my blog and I can if I want ta. hehe

Equality?

Before I launch into this, let me preface this by saying no, I am not racist. But then of course I'm pretty sure even the most racist people in the world would deny being so. Does Al Sharpton concede to being racist? I doubt it. Is he racist? Absolutely.

That being said, I was having a discussion with the Handsome JC today about the state of entitlement that this country seems to have settled on. At this point I don't believe it is any particular race or sexual orientation that has decided they are owed the world. It is more like an entire generation that has settled upon that attitude in life. We raised our children as spoiled little brats, if they mess up then it must be someone else's fault. So why should we be surprised when they have that attitude as adults? I have found that the hardest lesson to instill into my children's hard heads is that when they mess up it is THEIR fault, not the person next door. I keep telling them that we all make mistakes, but it is what we do with ourselves after that mistake is made that defines where we go in life. Do we learn from it? Do we move on from it and take the steps necessary to insure that mistake never happens again or do we blame someone else and continue on with the same old mistakes?

I live in the south where 150 years ago black individuals were kept as slaves. As a country mistakes were made, but from what I can see the country has really gone above and beyond what is necessary to make amends for that. Affirmative action anyone? But now I see that living in the south black Americans (I say black Americans because unless they actually are from Africa, they aren't freaking African in my opinion) have a sense of self entitlement. Their great great grandparents were slaves so white Americans MUST pay the price. But when does the paying stop? How long is society to pay for mistakes made 150 years ago? Minorities today have the same opportunities that everyone has, i.e., go to university and improve your life. Work for what you want/need as opposed to expecting it to be given free and clear. I was wondering the other day that at that point in the future when white Americans become the minority, will we be afforded the same preferential treatment. Will affirmative action be available to us? Will we be allowed to have white pride parades? Will we have scholarships to universities based solely on the fact that we are white? Would we have White Entertainment Television (WET) stations? Would we even want that? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want that, but I would like for the preferential treatment of races and sexual orientation to stop.

As individuals we are what we are. We are born into families that do right by us or we don't. Every single person on the face of the earth has baggage to deal with. Deal with it and move on and attempt to improve your life rather than blaming it on the fact that you are black/hispanic/gay and the white/straight man is keeping you down. It is not my fault, or the guy next door's fault, your ex-husband/wife's fault, or your Uncle Albert's fault that you aren't going where you want in life.. it is your fault.

That is my rant for the day. That is just what is going through my mind.

Black/Hispanic/Gay Pride? Sorry, but that just seems all outdated and silly. American pride? There you go, maybe we should all just settle on that and move on from the inequality bullshit. I think everyone would benefit from that.

Brevard, North Carolina

Friday afternoon I drove up to Brevard, North Carolina to see The Handsome JC, who had driven down from Maryland to meet the newest addition to his family (the fresh grandson). It was a 4 1/2 hour drive for me, a 9 hour drive for him. I had a really nice weekend though, lots of adventures (in and out of the hotel room, hehe), meeting the other daughter that I had not met yet, and holding the little noobikin, who is absolutely adorable and has inherited his grandfather's freakishly long toes. Brevard is a beautiful town, I would like to visit there again sometime.

There is a small gourmet type store there that we went in that had a plethora of stranged named beers. I bought a few, gave one to JC (I can't remember what it was called but it looked like it was in a moonshine jug with a cork stopper and all) and kept the below one for myself.



I bought the Monty Python Holy Ail for my boss, since he and I both are Monty Python fanatics. He took one look at it, burst into laughter and said that he was going to have to take it home because if he leaves it at work "someone" would take it and drink it. (I failed to mention that it might be me who is the "someone.") The label on the bottle cracks me up, it says, "Tempered over burning witches."

*insert snide ex-wife/ex-girlfriend joke here*

Now, to keep up the spirit of the Cuss-O-Meter, here is my daily addition: BASTARD

The Cuss-O-Meter

Apparently my language isn't colorful enough.


Created by OnePlusYou

I'm experimenting. Be Right Back................ (Ignore the below if you are easily offended)

fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother
fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother
fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shit
bags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck
shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker
damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a
bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker
damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags
son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit
fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit fuck fuckity shitbags son of a bitch mother fucker damn hell suckit fuck shit damn damn damn

Ok.. lets see what this did to my Cuss-O-Meter. Be Right Back Again.

Fuck. It did nuthin. I am going to have to spice it up more often, I'm thinking.

The Joy Internetting

Facebook. I believe it is here to stay. For a while anyway. My parents have discovered the joy of posting baby pictures of my brother, who is now an airline pilot, and myself (I'm not an airline pilot). As adorable as this sounds, it has led to some interesting misidentifications of a few photos. Luckily for me I was the only one around with long brown hair and huge soulful eyes (insert big shiteatin' grin here), so I was always identified correctly. My brother, however, was misidentified in one photo. My parents posted a picture of me playing in a backyard pool with the two neighbor kids, one being a small girl without a shirt on. They thought it was my brother and tagged the picture that way. I did correct them and told them who it was, but the damage is done. I can now make fun of my brother until the end of time, reminding him that at least our parents knew who I was in baby pictures.

I have had an ongoing argument with him over the last 20 years over who is the favorite. This development has given me a huge advantage. Life is good. hehe

Me, at about 3 or 4.

Happy Shakespeare Birthday!

You know I had to post a celebration.



I found this the other day. Scenes from the movie Pulp Fiction translated into Shakespeare speak. I had ta laff, I really did. It makes me want to go back and watch Pulp Fiction again, which I haven't seen in several years, just to compare the scenes.

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.


...


J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

This site is dedicated to translating the entire movie into Shakespeare speak. Funny as hell it is. Go have a read. :-)

This About Sums It Up

This video perfectly reports my life as of late. I love it when the international news agencies report something that hits so close and I can relate to so well.

Have You Ever Noticed.......

That when a celebrity has a new album or a new movie to promote, suddenly they decide to "come forward" with their own personal struggle with depression/abuse/eating disorder, or that they are suddenly, happily gay? Why is it that they choose that particular time to talk about it... or why do they even talk about it at all? Is it to make them feel as if they are identifying with the little people and that they, too, have the same human struggles that us common folk have? I call bullshit on that. Sure they may get depressed. Sure they may have been abused... sure they have the same emotional ups and downs as the rest of us, but to be perfectly honest here, they are celebrities because we need fantasy lives to imagine ourselves in. I imagine myself with 50 million plus bucks in the bank. I may have an occasional blue day (can you say PMS??), but I suspect I will be much less stressed about things. I can imagine that not having to worry about my credit card bill would make me much, much happier. I can almost imagine myself being about to sign a two year cell phone contract without hyperventilating.

Gwyneth Paltrow has a new movie to promote, and suddenly she is coming forward with her struggle with mild postpartum depression. All you moms say it with me.. GROAAAAN. It is ridiculous and nearly every new mom I have ever known has had that struggle to some extent. It doesn't make her any better because she survived it without going on a killing rampage. It just means she is a normal person. I don't exactly see why it should be celebrated or should have dozens of articles written about it. (On a side note, she also claims that her husband gets very upset with her if she mentions him in interviews.. good for him, she needs to take a hint and keep her mouth shut.)

Is it just me or does it seem that the bigger the mystique, the bigger the star? The ones that constantly talk about themselves or put themselves in tabloid heaven are the ones that us general public people get sick of hearing about.

Anyway, that is my rant for the day. Sorry for the long absence, but I have been feeling strangely uncreative lately. Hopefully normal blogging will resume shortly.

Did anyone miss me? ;-)

Meatloaf Day

Meatloaf Day is what I call periods of time when I have had pretty much zilch to blog about. Nothing is really going on, good or bad, all the funny things I seem to see are things I've already posted about, etc.

HOWEVER, in a discussion with my partner in crime, Jess, she was talking about how someone read and commented on her blog and that she was writing them an email to thank them. I said, "You are sending them an email to thank them for reading your blog?"

Her response was, "Well, yeah."

My first thought was HEY... then I pointed out to her that she doesn't ever thank me for reading her blog.

Speechlessness abounds in these here parts now. I love it when I can render her with nothing to say. I just knew I had to blog about it.

hehe

Thus ends my post on Meatloaf Day.

I Just Received This...

And thought I would post it. It is an open letter written by the police officer who arrested Dawn Wells a/k/a Mary Ann.

Dear Deb:

Yes it was me. I am the fool who arrested America's fantasy, Mary Ann. But it wasn't my fault! The woman was stoned! It was my job! I had no choice! The world can stop making fun of me now. I realized at the time that arresting Mary Ann would be opening me up to all sorts of backlash, but it had to be done. If it had been any other famous person (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, etc.), I would have been applauded. As it was I have gotten nothing but grief from anyone who knows, which at the moment, unfortunately, seems to be the entire population of the United States.

Life has been relatively peaceful since it happened in October. Other than a few officers I work with nobody really knew that Mary Ann had been arrested, but when it hit the national news the shit hit the fan. People point at me on the street. My own grandmother has chastised me for picking on Mary Ann. I can't drive down the street in peace now. When I pull someone over for speeding the first thing out of their mouth is, "You're the one who arrested Mary Ann! What the fuck were you thinking you idiot!" They then laugh when I give them their tickets instead of looking chastised and sorry like they are supposed to. I had one guy actually say that he couldn't wait to tell his friends that he got a ticket from the asshole who arrested Mary Ann.

Ms. Wells told me at the time that I pulled her over for swerving that she was swerving because she couldn't find the heater in her car. All four windows were down, no wonder she needed to turn the heater on. Yes okay I know that I am resorting to sarcasm, but I need my life to go back to normal. She had four half smoked joints in her car! What was I supposed to do...? Blame it on Ginger, or maybe the Professor??

Please, let my life go back to normal. I only did what my job made me do.

Stop calling me Little Buddy.

Officer J.G.

Paolo Nutini

This guy was recommended by Diane, so I thought I would check him out... turns out she was absolutely correct in her recommendation, the guy is GREAT. She gets 598,923 bonus points for him being Scottish. hehe

My Current Favorite CD

Mika - Life in Cartoon Motion



Except I left it sitting on my desk at work. :-(

Email Stuff

I hadn't spoken to the WRS in weeks. Apparently he was busy working on a huge ass grant worth $2 million, but that is no excuse as far as I'm concerned. Our friendship should come first, but oh well. Last week the grant app was done and I still hadn't heard from him, so I thought I would prompt a little bit of contact with an email. Nothing big really, I just told him I was moving to Russia with the handsome JC and that I was pregnant with twins.

Sure enough, that elicited a response:

Congratulations!!! Я надеюсь вы john и близнецы имеет сказовое время в земле Putin. Май ваши младенцы имеют более малых младенцев внутри их... .and настолько дальше.

No I don't know what it says other than Congratulations, John and Putin. So I ran it through the Babelfish translation site. The translation was:

Congratulations!!! I hope you john and twins has fantastic time in earth Putin. May your babies have the smaller babies inside of their.....and so further.

I'm pretty sure that isn't what he intended to say, but who knows. My response was, "I was just kidding you freak, god almighty what am I going to do with your fucking ass??"

For shits and grins I ran it through Babelfish as well, to translate it from English to French. It looked like this after translation:

J'étais juste vous badinant anormal. toute-puissant d'un dieu ce que la baise suis moi allant faire avec votre âne.

I love how the French can make the most insulting lines sound elegant. Just to be sure I thought I would translate it from French BACK to English to see how garbled it came out. This was the result:

I was right badinant you abnormal all-powerful of a god what kisses am me active to make with your ass.

I'm also pretty sure that isn't what I meant to say, but I swear that Jess and I laughed until tears were streaming.

That's good shit right there. hehe

Pornographic Vegetables

I got these pictures in an email. They didn't make me hungry but I was sort of turned on...........

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA