Friday, January 23, 2009

Hamlet (as retold by the Boondoggled staff)

I did this a while back but removed it for a perfectly good reason, I'm sure. I just can't remember what that reason is now, so thought I would put it back just for fun. After this is the street version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. :-) I know you are excited.

Act I
Scene 1

It is midnight and time for changing of the guards. Bernardo and Francisco are waiting for their nightly replacements, Horatio and Marcellus. When Horatio and Marcellus arrive, the four of them begin discussing a ghost that they have seen and are trying to decide if it is for real. Sure enough, here comes the ghost.

Bernardo, Francisco & Marcellus push Horatio forward, telling him, “You are the smart one, YOU go talk to it.” Bernardo says it looks like their dead king. Horatio says it scares him. Finally, Horatio says to the ghost, “Hey you! What are you doing wandering around this time of night and what business do you have going around looking like our dead king??”

Horatio’s friends then accuse him of offending the ghost. (“See it stalks away!) The ghost leaves without speaking to Horatio, so the boys continue discussing whether that was the ghost of their beloved dead King Hamlet, as he appeared to be dressed as he was when he fought against Norway. The ghostly king comes back and they try to fight it. Of course the dead king isn’t interested. He just floats away. They decide to tell Prince Hamlet that they saw his dead daddy.

Scene 2

Claudius, who has taken over as king since King Hamlet’s untimely demise, comes into the room with Queen Gertrude, who he married after her husband, King Hamlet’s, death. Claudius is King Hamlet’s brother, and poisoned King Hamlet by putting poison in his ear, so he could take over the crown. Nobody knows this at this point of course. Laertes is there, as well as Laertes’ father, Polonius. Laertus is asking King Claudius’ permission to go back to France. Claudius then asks if that is okay with Polonius. Polonius says to the king, “Whatever, let him go.”

Claudius and Gertrude then turn their attention to Prince Hamlet, and ask him why he’s still moping. Hamlet says, “Duh, my father just died you idiots.” They say, “Yeah so? It is how nature intended, we live, we die… no need to go moping around like you are, you are depressing us dammit.”

Everyone leaves but Prince Hamlet, who goes on to lament the fact that his own mother couldn’t keep her legs together for a month before she married her own husband’s brother, that strumpet.

In come Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus to tell Prince Hamlet about seeing his father’s ghost. They tell Prince Hamlet that his poor dead father looked sad. Hamlet says he will sit with them that night so he, too, can see his father’s ghost.

Scene 3

Laertus is talking to his sister, Ophelia. He is telling Ophelia that it is all well and good to have a crush on Prince Hamlet, but the prince has too many responsibilities to do her justice. Polonius then walks in and sees Laertus still there. He tells him goodbye again. (Laertus is going back to France, remember?) Polonius then wrangles out of Ophelia what she and her brother were discussing. She tells him about Prince Hamlet attempting to woo her. Polonius tells her that Hamlet is just trying to get into her pants and it best that she stay away from him. Ophelia agreed.

Scene 4

Prince Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus go to the platform where the ghostly king was seen the night before. After a long and seemingly pointless speech on the part of Prince Hamlet, the ghost of Prince Hamlet’s father makes his appearance. He beckons for Hamlet to come to him. Horatio and Marcellus tell him the ghost is probably trying to lure Prince Hamlet to his death. Prince Hamlet is determined to see why the ghost wants him to follow. Horatio and Marcellus grab hold of Prince Hamlet to stop him going, but he goes and follows the ghost anyway. They decide they’d better follow the ghost and Prince Hamlet because “something is rotten in Denmark.”

Scene 5

Prince Hamlet and the ghost are having a conversation. The ghost tells Prince Hamlet that he is the spirit of Prince Hamlet’s father and that he has to go to hell to pay for his crimes, and that if it weren’t forbidden he could tell Prince Hamlet tales that would curl his hair. The ghost then goes on to tell Prince Hamlet that he is to revenge his father’s foul and unnatural murder at the hands of Claudius, who poured poison into his ear. The ghost leaves and Horatio and Marcellus finally locate Hamlet. They talk him into telling them what the ghost said. He tells them that the new king is a villain. They say, “Oh yeah, we already knew that.”

Prince Hamlet then swears them to secrecy.

End of Scene 1.
To Be Continued….

On to Part 2

Hamlet, Part Deux (that is Part 2 for the uncultured swine amongst us)

Act 2
Scene 1

Polonius and Reynaldo are discussing Reynaldo's trip to France to spy on Polonius' son. Reynaldo leaves, and Ophelia comes in all disheveled, saying that Prince Hamlet has just frightened her (his stockings were foul'd, ungarter'd and down-gyved to his ancle, and was not wearing a hat). Polonius asked her if Hamlet was mad for her love (snicker). Ophelia says that Hamlet didn't say a word, just shook her arm and looked pitiful, and she rebuffed him, as her father ordered her.

Polonius assumes that Hamlet is acting strange because of Ophelia rejecting him. He thinks they should go tell the wicked king what is going on with Hamlet.

Scene 2

King Claudius and Queen Gertrude are talking to Prince Hamlet's old buddies, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They are asking them to spend time with Hamlet to try to find out why he has changed so much. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern agree and leave.

In comes Polonius again (he just never seems to go away). Polonius tells Claudius that he knows what is wrong with Hamlet. Claudius then tells Gertrude. Gertrude says to Claudius that Hamlet is just upset because of the death of his father and the fact that she and Claudius married to quickly.

In comes Voltimand and Cornelius from Norway to tell the king that Norway will be paying $3,000 crowns a year in annual fee (yeah yeah whatever get back to what's going on with Prince Hamlet). Voltimand and Cornelius then leave.

Polonius tells King Claudius and Queen Gertrude that Hamlet is crazy. He reads to them a love note that Hamlet has written to Ophelia. He then says that he ordered Ophelia to not speak to Hamlet and that she has obeyed, and that Hamlet has gone crazy because he can't be with Ophelia. They plot to prove the point by having Ophelia meet with Hamlet with everyone spying on them.

Hamlet comes through reading a book. Polonius speaks to Hamlet and Hamlet does, in fact, behave as if he is one fry short of a happy meal. Polonius leaves.

Hamlet's two friends, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern then meet up with him. Hamlets asks his friends what they have done to deserve to be sent to prison, then goes on to say Denmark is a prison. He then guesses correctly that the King and Queen sent for them. After some talking Polonius shows up (again). Hamlet mentions Polonius' daughter in passing to his two friend, and Polonius takes it that Hamlet can speak of nothing else but her (thinks a lot of his kid, he does). Some actors then show up and they all begin playacting a bit. [But who, o who has seen the mobled queen... 'The mobled queen?' That's good, 'mobled queen' is good...] After a bit everyone wanders off and leaves Hamlet alone.

Hamlet kicks himself for being too cowardly to avenge his father's death, but then comes up with a plan to have the actors do a play where the villian kills the hero by pouring poison in his ear, and Hamlet will watch King Claudius' reaction to try to get proof of what he had done to his father.

End of Scene 2
To be Continued

On to Part 3

Hamlet, Part III (shaddup ya heathens)

Act 3
Scene 1

The King & Queen, Polonius (of course), Ophelia, and Hamlet's two friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are all gathered together in a room in the castle, discussing how best to handle the dilemma of a crazy Prince Hamlet. The Queen is questioning Rosencrantz and Guildenstern about how they thought Hamlet was. They tell her that he seems distracted but not too awfully bad. They tell them that Hamlet has put together a play and was rather happy about it, and that he wants them to come see the play. The King tells Hamlet's two friends to keep encouraging him. They agree and leave. King Claudius then tells Queen Gertrude to leave them as they have sent for Hamlet and are going to spy on him when he speaks to Ophelia. Queen Gertrude tells Ophelia that she hopes that it is just Hamlet being lovesick that is causing his problems. She then leaves. They hear Hamlet coming so King Claudius and Polonius hide in the shadows. Ophelia sits quietly reading a book when Hamlet comes in.

Hamlet begins talking to Ophelia, wondering aloud if it would be better to just die than to have to suffer through life (extremely short version). Ophelia tells Hamlet that she has gifts that he had given her that she musts return. Hamlet denies giving her anything. Ophelia gives him the gifts and tells him that she believed that he loved her. He told her she should never have believed him. Hamlet tells Ophelia that she should never marry. After Hamlet wanders away Ophelia is very upset, saying that things are all the worse now, to have experienced his love only to have it taken away (And I, of ladies most deject and wretched, That suck'd the honey of his music vows). King Claudius and Polonius return. Claudius says that being lovesick is not Hamlet's problem, that there is something more happening. Polonius still insists that Hamlet's problem began with neglected love(the origin and commencement of his grief sprung from neglected love). He just won't let it go will he.

Claudius agrees that Hamlet has gone mad and that he must be watched.

Scene 2

Hamlet is instructing the actors on how best to perform his play. He tells them if they overact he will be very upset, but not to underact either. He tells them to go get ready. Rozencraft, Guildenstern and Polonius come in.

Hamlet asks if the King is coming to see the play. Polonius answers that he is, and the Queen as well. Hamlet yells at the actors to get a move on dammit and asks Rozencraft and Guildestern to go hurry them up.

Hamlet calls for Horatio (the guard that spoke to the ghost king). He tells Horatio what he is planning for the play, and says that when it gets to the scene that is like the one of his father's death, that he would like for Horatio to watch the King and note his reactions so that they can compare notes after the play.

The play begins, King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Polonius (of course), Rozencrantz and Guildenstern all come in and engage in small talk. The King asks Polonius about his acting days at University. Polonius tells the King that he was Julius Ceasar and Brutus killed him (hehe).

Hamlet begins to flirt with Ophelia. She notes aloud that he seems to be in a good mood. He says why not be merry and says to look how happy his mother is even though it has only been two hours since his father's death. Ophelia reminds him that it has been much longer (twice two months).

The play begins. The first scene shows a king and queen together behaving very lovingly toward each other. The queen leaves and an actor comes in and pours poison in the actor king's ear. The actor queen comes in and finds the dead actor king. The poisoner comes in and grieves with the actor queen, and then proceeds to woo her and then to marry her.

The play continues and the King gets more and more upset as it goes along. After the play the King and Queen go to bed. Rozencrantz comes in and tells Hamlet that his mother would like a word with him. He asks Hamlet what has been bothering him, but Hamlet won't tell him. Guildenstern comes in and Hamlet asks him to play music for him, Guildenstern refuses, saying he doesn't know how to play. Hamlet insists, then accuses Guildenstern of trying to play him like an instrument.

Polonius comes in and tells Hamlet that the Queen is insisting on seeing him.

Scene 3

The King is speaking to Rozencrantz and Guildenstern. He is asking them to take Hamlet to England. They agree and leave.

The King is feeling guilt for what he did to his brother.

The King kneels by his bed and begins to pray. Hamlet, spying on the King, sees this and says that he cannot kill the man and help him into heaven, that he must wait and kill him when he is assured of going to hell.

Scene 4

The Queen and Polonius wait for Hamlet. Polonius is telling the Queen that she must be stern with Hamlet. When they hear Hamlet coming, Polonius hides behind the curtains.

Hamlet and his mother talk. Hamlet is being rude to his mother to the point of her being afraid of him. She calls for help and Hamlet hears Polonius behind the curtain. He stabs the curtain through with his sword and Polonius (behold, I am slain!) falls dead. The Queen is shocked and says what a horrible deed it was. Hamlet says almost as horrible as killing a king and marrying his brother. He goes on to be very nasty to his mother about her marrying her husband's murderer.

The ghost king comes in. Hamlet speaks of the ghost but his mother can't see or hear it and is further convinced of Hamlet's madness.

Hamlet asks his mother not to sleep with his uncle but to go back to being virtuous. He reminds her that he is being sent to England, but that he will take care of dead Polonius first (I'll lug the guts into the neighbor room).

The Queen leaves and Hamlet leaves, dragging Polonius.

End of Scene 3
To Be Continued

Part 4

Hamlet, Act IV

Act 4
Scene 1

King Claudius, Rozencrantz & Guildenstern. Queen Gertrude comes in and asks to speak to the King alone. Rozencrantz and Guildenstern leave.

The Queen then tells Claudius what happened with Hamlet, that Hamlet is insane (mad as the sea and wind). She tells him what happened to Polonius. The King is horrified and worried about everyone's safety. He asks where he has gone and she says to take care of Polonius' body. The King calls Rozencrantz and Guildenstern back in and tell them what has happened, and ask them to locate Hamlet and bring Polonius' body back to the chapel.

Scene 2

Rozencrantz and Guildenstern find Hamlet and ask him what he has done with Polonius' body. Hamlet won't give them a straight answer. He then tells Rozencraft that he can't be ordered around by a damn sponge. Rozencraft questions that and Hamlet proceeds to tell him that he soaks up everything the king hands to him, just like a sponge (Ay, sir, that soaks up the king's countenance, his rewards, his authorities). They again ask Hamlet where he has put the body, but Hamlet goes on a rant, talking nonsense.

Scene 3

King Claudius is wondering what to do with Hamlet and realizes that he can't do much because the people love him. Rozencrantz comes in and tells the King that Hamlet won't tell where he has hidden Polonius' body. The King asks where Hamlet is. Rozencrantz tells him he is just outside under guard, awaiting to know what the King wants to do with him.

Gildenstern comes in with Hamlet. The King asks where is Polonius. Hamlet says he is at supper, which startles the King (At supper! Where?) Hamlet says he is not where he eats but where he is eaten (a certain convocation of politic worms are e'en at him).

[Damn this is getting good...]

Hamlet explains the icky process wherein a king may "progress through the guts of a beggar."

The King again asks where Polonius is and Hamlet tells him to look for him in heaven, but if he is not there to go look in hell, then tells the King that if he doesn't find Polonius soon then he'll soon be able to smell him as he goes up the stairs.

The King sends attendants to look for Polonius, and tells Hamlet he is being sent to England ASAP.

Scene 4

On a plain in Denmark, and army led by Prince Fortinbras of Norway is marching. Prince Fortinbras is sending his captain to ask King Claudius for permission to cross Denmark for an attack on Poland. The captain meets up with Hamlet, Rozencrantz and Guildenstern. Hamlet asks the captain if the army is marching against all of Poland or just a small part. The captain explains that it a very small and worthless part but that a fight if building over it. Everyone leaves except Hamlet, who goes on another lament about how so many people are willing to die for a small plot of land and there he stands, unable to revenge his father and his "stain'd" mother.

Scene 5

Meanwhile, back at the castle....

A man is talking to Queen Gertrude about Ophelia, saying she is to be pitied. The Queen allows Ophelia to enter and it soon becomes obvious that Ophelia has lost her mind. King Claudius enters and tries to reason with Ophelia, but as anyone who has ever had dealings with an insane person, we know how that works out.

Ophelia leaves and King Claudius says to his wife that when sorrows come they come in waves.

After a bit, a man comes in and tells King Claudius that Laertes (Ophelia's brother) has arrived and is stirring an uprising to take over the kingdom. Laertes arrives at the castle and makes his way to the room where the King and Queen are. He demands to know where his father is. Queen Gertrude tries to calm him down but he again demands to know where his father is. King Claudius tells him that he is dead. Laertes demands to know who is responsible for Polonius' death so he can be revenged. The King tells him, "It wasn't me!" Ophelia wanders back in singing and acting crazy and her brother witnesses her madness. King Claudius offers Laertes sympathies over what has happened. Laertes wants to know the circumstances of everything and King Claudius tells him he will know.

Scene 6

A sailor comes through looking for Horatio. He hands Horatio a letter and tells him it is from the ambassador that was bound for England. Sure enough, the letter is from Hamlet, telling Horatio that he has been kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts (okay I made that part up, just to see if you were paying attention). Hamlet was kidnapped by pirates and that he has a lot to tell Horatio, and asks Horatio to come to where he is. Hamlet tells Horatio that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are still on their way to England and that he has a lot to tell Horatio about those two.

Scene 7

King Claudius is talking to Laertes about everything that had happened. He tells Laertes that he can't do anything to Hamlet because he is too well loved by the public and that anything he does would backfire. He tells Laertes that they loved Polonius.

A messenger comes with letters to the King and Queen. When the King opens the letter to him he sees it is from Hamlet, telling him that he was set naked on the coast and asking his pardon to come and explain what had happened and why he was back.

Laertes says he is looking forward to confronting Hamlet (That I shall live and tell him to his teeth, 'Thus didest thou').

King Claudius hatches a plot with Laertes so that Hamlet would be killed, but that it would look like an accident so that nobody will get the blame. Claudius asks Laertes how much he loved his father, did he love him enough to actually revenge his death, and what would Laertes do if he could. Laertes tells Claudius he would cut Hamlet's throat. Claudius tells Laertes that it can't be that obvious, and that they should set it up to look like sword practice. Laertes goes on to describe a poison, that if he put it on the edge of his sword that even a small cut would kill Hamlet. Claudius then says he will have a poisoned drink available for Hamlet, in case Laertes' poisoned sword doesn't cut Hamlet as planned.

Queen Gertrude enters and is very upset, telling Laertes that Ophelia has drowned. She tells him that she had gone to the brook to pick flowers, but that she fell in, and being crazy as she was didn't notice that she was about to die. Queen Gertrude tells Laertes that Ophelia chanted snatches of old tunes until her wet clothes dragged her under the water. Laertes storms out of the room.

King Claudius tells the Queen that it took him a long time to calm Laertes down, but now he is afraid that Ophelia's death will set him off again (the dirty rotten king).

End of Act 4
Next.... The Thrilling Conclusion

Part 5

Hamlet v.5 - Yorick's Revenge

Act 5
Scene 1

The scene opens with two guys digging a grave in a cemetery, and having a conversation about how could a person possibly get a christian burial considering she drowned herself. They come to the conclusion that because she was a "gentlewoman" that the rich folks can bury her as they like, suicide or not.

They then go on to a discussion about Adam and whether he used a shovel. (The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'could he dig without arms?) After a bit they see Hamlet and Horatio off in the distance, and one guy sends the other to fetch some alcoholic refreshment. The one left behind begins to sing while he digs. Hamlet hears the man singing and questions why the man is so happy. Horatio basically says its his job, he's relaxed, no big deal. The gravedigger continues to sing and tosses up a skull. Hamlet wonders about the skull, how it could be a politician or a beggar. The gravedigger, continuing his singing, tosses up yet another skull. Hamlet asks the gravedigger what man he digs for. The gravedigger tells him no man, Hamlet then asks what woman. The gravedigger says no woman, but someone who was a woman when she was alive. Hamlet fusses about the gravedigger being so absolutely literal and asks the gravedigger how long he has done that job. The gravedigger, not recognizing Hamlet, says he has done the job since King Hamlet overtook Norway, then goes on to gossip about Prince Hamlet being sent to England because he was mad.

Hamlet starts asking the gravedigger morbid questions about how long a person will last when they are buried before they rot away. The gravedigger tells him around 8 or 9 years. The gravedigger then finds another skull and tells Hamlet that it has been in the ground for 23 years. Hamlet asks who the skull belonged to. The gravedigger tells Hamlet that the skull belonged to Yorick, the king's jester. Hamlet remembers Yorick and goes on about what a good guy Yorick was. (Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy;)

Hamlet says its a shame to have such great men die and go to dust, only to have their dust be made up into something to patch a wall.

At that point the funeral procession comes along with Ophelia's body. Hamlet and Horatio are unaware of whose funeral it is, so step back into the shadows. Hamlet, hearing the service, realizes who is being buried. Laertes, in a fit of grief, leaps into the grave with Ophelia. Hamlet leaps in as well. Laertes then attacks Hamlet and they fight while still in the grave with Ophelia's body which, of course, causes an uproar at the funeral. Hamlet declares that he loved Ophelia, and his words are taken as coming from a madman. Hamlet leaves the funeral.

King Claudius asks Horatio to watch over Hamlet. He then reminds Laertes of their evil plan to kill Hamlet.

Scene 2 - The Climax

Hamlet and Horatio are back in the castle. Hamlet is telling Horatio about finding Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's orders from the King, still sealed, and that he found out that they are to lop off Hamlet's head when they get to England. Hamlet tells Horatio that he stole the original orders from the king and replaced it with fake orders, telling the people in England that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are to be put to immediate death. He tells Horatio that it was after this that he was kidnapped by the pirates, and that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern continued unknowingly to their fate.

Hamlet and Horatio discuss how horrible of a person King Claudius is (Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon-- He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother). Horatio reminds Hamlet that the King will soon know what happened to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

In comes Osric (new guy) to give Hamlet a message, but Hamlet gets distracted with the fact that Osric isn't wearing his hat. Osric tells Hamlet about the wager the King has on his head for sword play with Laertes. Hamlet asks what was wagered (6 horses against six French rapiers and poniards, with their assigns, as girdle, hangers, and so). Hamlet agrees to the sword play.

Horatio tries to talk Hamlet out of the fight, saying he's going to lose. He tells Hamlet that he will go tell the King and Queen that he is not fit for the fight. Hamlet refuses and says he has been practicing with the sword so he should do okay.

The King and Queen and their attendants, and Laertes, and a small crowd of others all arrive for the sword play. The King puts Hamlet's hand in Laertes hand. Hamlet apologizes (sort of) to Laertes for all the wrongs he has done. They begin the sword play and Hamlet gets the first hit. The King urges Hamlet to come have a drink with him (what a git, remember he poisoned it), but Hamlet refuses.

Hamlet gets in another hit. The Queen grabs a cup of wine and takes a drink from it, and sees that Hamlet is out of shape and having trouble and sweating, so she goes on to urge him to take a drink (she took the poisoned cup), but Hamlet refuses the drink. The King realizes what she has done but knows it is too late to stop what has happened.

The sword play continues, Laertes gets a hit on Hamlet and cuts him, which results in a scuffle. Hamlet gets Laertes' sword from him and cuts Laertes. Laertes realizes what has happened and knows that he will now die from the poison on the sword.

Queen Gertrude collapses. King Claudius says she has just fainted from seeing the blood, but the Queen says no, it was the drink, it was poisoned. The Queen dies.

In a rage, and still unaware that he himself has been poisoned, Hamlet orders all the doors locked. Laertes confesses to Hamlet what he had done with the poison on the sword, and tells him he only has a few minutes to live, that there is no cure for the poison. He tells Hamlet that the King is to blame for all of it. Hamlet takes the poisoned sword and stabs the King with it.

The watching crowd is in an uproar and starts yelling of treachery. The King asks for them to defend him, as he is only injured. Hamlet forces the King to drink the wine that his mother had drank. (Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?) The King then dies.

Laertes, watching all of this, tells Hamlet that the King deserved what he got. He then tells Hamlet that he forgives him for everything. Laertes dies.

Hamlet, in his dying words, asks Horatio to let his story be known. A loud noise is outside and Hamlet asks what it is. Osric tells him that it is Fortinbras, on his way home from his conquest in Poland, and ambassadors from England. Hamlet knows that he will not live to speak to them, tells Horatio to tell Fortinbras everything, and that Fortinbras has the power to speak for him. Hamlet then dies.

Horatio is heartbroken over Hamlet's death. (Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!)

Fortinbras and the ambassadors come into the hall and see the dead bodies everywhere and asks what the heck is going on. One of the ambassadors say that they had come to deliver a message that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, but that anyone that it was to be told to are all dead as well. Horatio says to Fortinbras, "Boy do I have a story for you."

And let me speak to the yet unknowing world
How these things came about: so shall you hear
Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts,
Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,
Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,
And, in this upshot, purposes mistook
Fall'n on the inventors' reads: all this can I
Truly deliver.

Fortinbras tells him to tell his story quickly. He says that he has some rights in the kingdom and that he is claiming those rights (taking over as king, I think). He orders that the dead be taken away and that Hamlet is to be honored as a soldier.

The End

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Our Daily Affirmations

For the low, low price of $12.95, YOU can be told on a daily basis, even around the clock if needed, that you are wonderful, that you matter, that you are a success, all you have to do is order the special edition recording from this website!

AND an added bonus (and for less than the price of a Big Mac Meal from McDonald's), you can have your very own applause recording. Feel like the rock star that you are! Bask in the admiration and adoration of the masses! Feel the glow of success without ever leaving your sofa!

This has got me befuddled. It is a website that sells affirmation CDs. I guess that is okay, but seriously, does anyone really believe the insincere recordings of a stranger telling you how wonderful you are? Really? Now don't get me wrong, they sound sincere enough, but a faceless person who wouldn't know you if you walked up and bit them on the nose telling you that you are the greatest. I can't imagine that it would have much, if any, effect on a person's self esteem. I'm just contrary enough that that sort of thing would make me feel worse.

Be sure to listen to the sample affirmations on this page, as well as a sample recording of the soon to be yours applauding audience.


For those hard to buy for folks on your gift giving list, this will tell that special someone how wonderful they are and how lucky you are to have them. (There is also a sample recording available.)

Amazing, but it seems to me that if someone is that special to you, that you appreciate them to that extent, it would be so much better all the way around to look them in the eyes and tell them they are important to you how much you appreciate them.

But that's just me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I love high heel shoes. I rarely wear them though because I have spoiled myself to comfort rather than the Fuck Me look. I want these first shoes though in a major way:

These are Carlos Santana shoes. Carlos Santana? The singer? I dunno, but I love his shoes.

I like the style of these but the color... not so much. If they had these in slut red I'd be all over them. Not even in slut red. These are Carlos Santana shoes as well. The first ones that I liked so much must have been a fluke.

Love these too. They have flowers imprinted on the bottom so when you are a murder suspect you are easily identifiable by your footprints. The color is interesting. It sort of reminds me of those fancy bowling balls that you see at the bowling alleys.

These are nice. Sensible, yet sexy. Something that schoolteacher who moonlights in the evenings at Temptations* would wear.

Shoes for the discriminating mummy wench. Although I am not sure how she is going to handle having that strap thing between her toes after the thousand years of being entombed in flats.

These shoes speak to me. They are saying, "Pssssssssst hey you! Where did you hide the paint remover??" Just kidding.. I actually kind of like these. They are unusual and slightly quirky, just like my friends.

Okay, I'll stop for now. I had loads of fun with this post. I think I may do this again sometime.

*Temptations - Strip club (and I mean that in the raunchiest sort of way) that is just across the border into South Carolina from Savannah.

My Replacement

If you have read this blog for any amount of time, you know I worked in Savannah for the best boss ever. The decision to leave his employ was a difficult one. However, since the decision had been made, I dragged Larkin into the job, a person who I thought at the time could handle the busy-ness of it and who would take care of our favorite Acid Brother. She seems to have taken to the job like a duck to water.

As a bonus, she has started blogging and she is funny as hell. Go check her out. Tell her I sent you. :-)

And remind her to water my orchids.

Friday, January 16, 2009


A while back I blogged about an incident when my daughter was little where I tossed her doll across the room and she accused me of murdering Jenny (the doll's name).

A couple of days ago I was talking to my daughter on the phone and we started talking about that incident. She tried to make me feel guilty and told me she never wanted to play with dolls again after that, that I had ruined the experience for her. I said, "Well now you know that Jenny wasn't dead after all." My daughter responded with, "Yes she was!" I said, "Now don't be silly, you know Jenny wasn't dead, she was probably just in a coma."

Her response to that was, "OH.MY.GAWD! I have to go and tell Mike what you did to Jenny!"

She then hung up. I was laughing like a loon.

Yup.... still laughing.....


JC works as a subcontractor at one of the super secret government agencies that claim to be responsible for the safety of the American public. Unfortunately, the people that work there are mean, vindictive, petty and more concerned with furthering their careers at the expense of others than they are with doing their own job well. The backstabbing that goes on is awesomely horrible. These are people that are responsible for our national safety. I have been sorely disappointed at the constant flow of politics that are played. I suppose I am an optimist and still think that people (for the most part) will treat each other with respect, but that doesn't seem to happen there. Mostly I'm just disturbed that this is our government at work.

It's a mad world.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Carcass

The players: Jake (dog), Maybe (dog), Oreo (cat), Borden (cat)

Setting the scene: Since I am a morning person (at least more so than JC), I get up to make coffee when the obnoxious alarm sounds. Mostly I do it so the alarm won't keep buzzing in my ear since JC requires 3 to 4 snooze sessions before he is able to drag himself out of bed. So, I get up and wander my sleepy way to the kitchen. Laying in the middle of the floor is a wet mass of something. I assumed the cats puked again, and since cat puke makes me want to puke, it is an unwritten understanding between JC and I that HE will be the cat puke cleaner upper, so I make a wide berth around it on my way to the kitchen.

A few minutes later I notice Jake carrying the wet mass around with him. Suppressing the inevitable gag reflex, I inform JC that one of the cats puked and that Jake was playing with it. He, knowing my aversion to such disgusting animal instincts, drags himself from the warmth of the bed to put a stop to it before I start with the fit throwing.

Turns out it wasn't cat puke. Oreo (we know it was Oreo because Borden is too lazy to do it), Oreo killed a mouse. Jake adopted the dead mouse and was carrying it around with him. He wasn't eating it, just carrying it around with him. JC took the mouse away and disposed of it. The receptors in my brain that deal with such traumatic episodes kicked in and I promptly erased all memory of what Jake looked like with a dead wet mouse dangling from his jaws.

But at least it wasn't like this:

I love at the end when he yells, "I HATE YOU!!!" at the raccoon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Friday, January 09, 2009

Actual Morning Conversation

Me (after bringing him coffee, letting the dogs out, cleaning up cat puke and getting dressed): Just out of curiosity, does morning perkiness make you want to kill me?

JC (from somewhere beneath a few blankets and with the pillow covering his face): mmm hmmmmmmm

Me (with a smirk): cool *snicker*

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Grandmunchkin

As many of you possibly, maybe know, I went to Oklahoma to visit the beloveds over Christmas. It was a nice visit, I even got up at 6:00 a.m. on the day after Christmas to go shopping with the ex husband. I think we had more fun than we ever had when we were married (snicker) (and no, not in that way you pervert). But the most fun I had was with the grandmunchkin Brooke (see photo, above). The kid is a firecracker, constantly on the go and curious about EVERYTHING. She's only 6 months old and has more hair that I do. JC and I got her a musical dance tower thingy for Christmas which has turned out to be her favorite gift apparently but I think its mostly because she can see that the bear has something in his hands and she is determined to get it from him. The presence of the camera is an obvious distraction for her, she was always trying to eat it when she came within eating proximity of it as evidenced by this photo:

I have a video of her eating the camera but the tv in the background has someone talking about masturbation and calling people faggots. Educational television, what can I say.

But her absolute cuteness can only be seen in a video:

This picture is the one I've had the most fun with. Those big blue eyes of her crack me right the fuck up (yes I said fuck in the presence of my grandbaby's photos - so???):

I think I have too much time on my hands. hehe

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


We have a cat, Borden. He's big, white, fluffy, timid and lazy. And he flat refuses to play, period. He will occasionally put away his dignity long enough to take a short nap in your lap, but then he is gone to hide again, only to be next seen around breakfast time.

But I have discovered his one weakness. Catnip.

JC had tucked away a package of loose catnip. Borden saw that in my hand and came running, so I took out a bit and gave it to him. He promptly ate it. I gave him a bit more. He ate most of it and rolled on the rest... a bit more and he wallowed in it like a pig in a mudhole.

He then began to play, batting at Oreo, the other cat. Bat bat bat... right across the face. He stared defiantly at Oreo, daring him to do anything about it. I had given Oreo catnip as well, and it made him somewhat playful, but he wasn't used to seeing Borden in this state of mind so he was more befuddled at Borden's sudden transformation than anything else. He kept stealing quick glances at him but knew better than to stare back, as Borden had badass written all over him. JC walked by and Borden attempted to attack his ankles. I just sat back and laffed at the indignity that Borden had suddenly embraced.

The catnip WILL be coming out again today, that is just too entertaining to pass up.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Bathroom Encounters

Setting the scene: Emergency stop at McDonalds to use the facility after drinking a very large diet Coke on the way to Frederick, Maryland (JC wanted to eat at Checkers but when ya gotta go ya gotta go). Whilst in the facilities, the following conversation took place between an elderly red headed female and myself while I washed my hands:


Me: Not paying attention really.

Her: "Oh, excuse me." Brrrrrrp

Me: Small smile but continuing about my business.

Her: "I have not been well."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Her: "I died twice."

Me: "Oh my."

Her: "They brought me back."

Me: "I see this."

Her: "I'm relearning to walk."

Me: "You're doing good."

Her: "I'm not well."

Then she walked out of the restroom, leaving me standing there fighting off a fit of the giggles.

The giggles started when I got back into the car.

The End.