Happy New Year to Me.

See the bottle above? J's son decided to celebrate the incoming New Year with a bottle of Jagermeister, just like the one above. Not being the kid's actual parent, I decided to shy away from adding my input to the decision, seeing as the kid is of legal drinking age, and the fact that his father was sitting across the room from me... and if his father was okay with it who was I to say no. Right? RIGHT?

Oh how I regret not speaking up.

The kid is in school during the week and he left last night to return to school. He had closed his bedroom door, but since we have 3 cats in the house (see post below), I thought I heard a noise in his room so opened the door to make sure there wasn't a cat locked in there (I swear that's all I was doing!). Anyway... I opened the door to this bedroom... in what I still consider J and my brand new house.... I opened the door... and I swear to fuck it looked like a murder scene in there. RED Yagermeister vomit all over the carpet. Beige. Carpet. It was a damn good thing the kid had gone back to school or it would have been an actual murder scene.

I thought he was being awfully quiet the last couple of days.

Now to come up with an appropriate - yet severe - response to the damage he has done.

No. I'm not going to kill him. I slept on that decision and ruled against it. But any response should make him wish I had just gone ahead and put him out of his misery.

Any suggestions?

They Are Still Here.

*whimper*

The Christmas season has now come and gone and life can go back to its normal routine.  IF ONLY.

I can't remember if I told you about the cats we are babysitting, and I can't be bothered to scroll back and look right now so I'll just tell you again.  If it is like a self-repeating record then it will just reinforce my extreme unhappiness at the situation.

We moved into our new house at the end of October.  Exactly one week later, J's daughter called her dad up crying, saying the people who were taking care of her cats were going to take her cats to the pound if someone didn't come get them (and she was staying with someone else so couldn't take them there).  J, good father that he is, totally ignored my extreme displeasure of having these cats in our brand new house, went to pick them up to come and visit with us for a few weeks.  That was two months ago.  On Christmas Day, the cat's REAL mother was here and casually let it slide into the conversation that she won't be getting her own place for at least another month.  That was her way of telling us another month of kitty hell in our new house.

Now don't get me wrong, I like cats, I do, I really do....   in fact we have a cat.  Borden.  He's one of the gang along with our two dogs.  (Its like a zoo around here.)   You are thinking to yourself, "What's the big deal, you already have all those creatures running around, why is keeping two extra cats so hard?"  Well I'll tell  ya.

They ain't my cats!  They should be at their own house, damaging cabinets, beating up on each other, and eating all the food they can locate.

I woke up yesterday morning to this:

Okay, I concede she's cute.  But she needs to go home.

Holiday Chickens!

I have neglected my holiday posting, mostly because I have been unusually Scroogish (is that a word?) this year. So in light of my failings I have decided to make it up to you by posting a few cartoons from my favorite Chicken Artist. If this doesn't earn your forgiveness for my obvious failings, nothing will.

And yes, I am aware that this one is totally not a holiday toon, but it made me laugh so I'm putting it here anyway.

P.S.: I have bitch cat trying to get all up in my grill at the moment.. which is fine (I guess) because I am laid out across the sofa like I was Jabba Da Hut... but the problem is she keeps staring over my shoulder, acting kind of startled. Seeing as how it is 5:30 in the morning and nobody else is up, there shouldn't be anything over there for her to be staring at and I don't wanna turn around to see in case it is a zombie behind me.

The Escape Artist

This is Jake, taken last year before we moved to the new abode. At this house we have a large back yard, completely fenced in, with no (apparent) way of getting out. He, however, has proven me wrong. I let him out to do his business and went back 15 minutes later to let him in and he was gone.. MY DOG WAS GONE!!

I grabbed my shoes, jacket, purse, keys (forgot my phone) and took off, driving around the block to look for him. I knew he hadn't gotten far, but considering his former reputation for bad assedness, I feared for the neighbor's safety. What I had forgotten is this 13 year old dog doesn't give a shit about being bad assed anymore, as long as the house is warm and they feed him.

I located him about 5 houses down from ours. The lady there had hold of his collar and was calling the vet's number that was on his tag. I pulled up and she told them his owner just showed up, thanks anyway, then she brought him to the car where he happily jumped in and settled in like he had been in the adventure of a lifetime. The neighbor (Bonnie, as I now know), was very nice, had given him a chew bone and kept him there until she could locate Jake's owner. Jake was behaving toward her as if he'd known her all his life.

It was kind of cute, actually.

But now he's home, warm and has been fed. His life is good.

Busy Busy Busy

Christmas Day and the days surrounding it were quite busy.  We had J's kids here.. which was interesting and included a physical altercation between siblings.  I was in the kitchen whilst their father physically restrained and removed one sibling from the room (the man is stronger than he looks)...  and was happy to stay there. 

J's grandson, however, was here as well.  I was quite entertained by this 2 year old North Carolina boy and we spent nearly all waking minutes of his four days visiting together, just chillin.  He kept laying his head on me telling me he liked me... at one point he told me he didn't like me, right before he laid his head on my shoulder and cuddled up.  I didn't believe him.  There was one problem I had with the child though.  He flat refused to sit still!  I was trying to take pictures of him and in every single picture of him, one body part (or more) was a blur from his wiggling all over the place.  So to combat this problem I decided to take a video of him and then just run it and pick out a good shot of him to use as a picture.  Bad move.  He had decided he didn't want to be videoed and he told me to stop it.  I told him I was just trying to get a good picture of him... he commenced to cussing me out like a freaking sailor.

Ooops.

And I got it on video.  HAHAHAHAAA

Anyway...  I mentioned to his mother (after she had used a few choice words in a conversation) that her boy has been cussing at us.  She smiled, ruefully, and said that she has told him those fucking words were fucking bad, he knows they are bad, and then continued on as if nothing was said. 

The boy did try to back down when I told him those were bad words.  He tried to tell me he was a bad boy.  I said no, you are a good boy, but that word is bad.  NO I'M A BAD BOY!!

*sigh*

And The Lord Did Grin.

Merry Christmas everybody.  Grin with the Lord for the holiday.  :-)

In Days Gone By...

One evening, whilst I was still chilling with my homies in Savannah, I received a phone call from my son - who at the time was approximately 12 years old.  He was in the car with his dad and was giving his poor father loads of shit because his dad had a date that night.  So he called me.

I, of course, joined in the fun.


What's her name?  Fluffy Butt (I just made that up right here in the spot, I crack myself up).  Anyway, it continued on for a bit..  and the conversation got around to where he met her at.  He told us (my son was relaying all the information back and forth between his dad and myself).  I told my son to tell his dad that it was better than where I met my last boyfriend.  Of course this peaked his dad's interest and he had to ask.. where did you meet your last boyfriend?

In rehab.

I heard the wariness creep into his dad's voice, he wasn't sure if I was serious or not. 

He finally asked (through my son, who was suppressing gales of laughter), was I still with him?  I said no, I broke up with him and went back to my ex girlfriend.

Silence.

My son, on the other hand, was about to bust a gut.    It was great.  hehe

Not As Good As A Zygmie.. but nearly..........

This was forwarded to me by a friend, I had no choice but post it.  



*insert inappropriate giggles here*

Oh Em Gee...

J and I have been playing a video game (that will rename unnamed, lest you call me geeky names).  Okay, the thing is, I have a thing for mini people.. dunno why, its just the way I roll.  Midgets...  love em.  Gnomes - omg - what can be better than magical mini people??  But now I have discovered a new love...  PYGMIES! 

Mini people with killer attitude?  For the love of gawd I can't take the cuteness overload! The only thing that could get better than that would be if there were zombie pygmies. 

I just realized, this is another post that reveals how totally odd I truly am.

Speaking of Sweeping....

My grandmunchkin, adorable little tyke... has made a friend.

This is the little beauty:

And yes.  She is every bit ornerier than she even looks here.  She also has a bit of a weird streak.  See this thing here:

My mother has one of these and she has played a game with chasing Little Britches around the house with it when she is sweeping.  Now LB has decided that thing is her best friend and is all the time pulling it out of the closet to have my mom sweep.  She has named it Buddy.  She says, "C'mon Buddy." (Pulling it out of the closet.)  She then drags it over to my mom and makes her sweep the floor with it while LB runs around in front of it.  Told ya she was a bit strange.

At least Mom's floors stay clean.

I Love The Sweep Function

I have a junk email address that I never... well, hardly ever.. even look at. That is vaguely bad because I do have a few important emails (think IRS important) going to that email address and if they emailed me to tell me I was on my way to prison, I have been living in blissful ignorance.

So yesterday I ordered J's Christmas prezzie and logged onto my junk email account to check to see the order status since I used that email address. I logged on to 3,829 unread emails.

You read that right. Three Thousand (comma) Eight Hundred and Twenty Nine. Unread. Emails.

What is so cool though is that a big chunk of them can be swept away. I can checkmark an email address and hit the SWEEP button, and Hotmail (in a moment of divine genius) will automatically delete every one of the emails from that particular sender. Brilliant, I say! One particular email sweep automatically deleted 483 emails from the same sender.

Ahhhh life is good. I am currently down to 2,796 unread emails. It may take me a while to get them all, I can feel the boredom setting in - hence the stupid blog post.

;-)

Ugh

I've heard the song Hallelujah covered by practically everyone who sings. Last night it was sung on a Christmas special... its not a Christmas song as far as I'm concerned, but to each its own. Its depressing if you listen to the words.

But.. I still love it when its sung by the man. Leonard Cohen wrote it and nobody can sing it like he does.

Yay!

We have a winner (who wishes to remain anonymous).. so virtual cookie via email, I guess.

I'm told that the weird thing below is a weaving shuttle from an old loom and NOT a vagina (sorry Jess).

Thanks for playing!

What Is It??

This thing is hanging on the post right outside our back door. It is about 12 inches long and I am hoping someone out there might see it and can tell me what it is.

Anyone? Anyone?

I'll give ya cookie.....

Sprickets Everywhere!

When I lived in Savannah I had to tolerate Palmetto Bugs... gigantic cockroachy things that sneak in your house no matter how diligent you are about cleaning, no matter how much money you had, no matter where you lived. They were just there and you had to live with it (or do like me, get a dog whose greatest pleasure was killing them).

Here in Maryland we have Sprickets a/k/a Camel Crickets. I realize they are just weird looking crickets, but I was told they were part spider and that was enough for me.

They live in your house and there is nothing NOTHING that you can do about it. I was also told they bite, which makes it even creepier.

BUGS ARE TAKING OVER! And cats. Cats are taking over too. I think I shall go hide in my bedroom now.

Have Ya Ever.....

Had a friend that you knew was doing something that was so excruciatingly difficult for them to do, that you weren't sure they would go through with it?  Something that you personally didn't think should be that hard to do, but you never had to do it, so you just don't know. 

A very close friend of mine felt the need to do something that should have been done ages ago.  She was brave, she was honest, she did what had to be done and her family still loves her.  (Told ya.)

Well done Jess.  You make me proud. 

We will all dance at your wedding.  :-)

The Case of (da da daaaaa) The Missing Peanut Butter Fudge

I must brag on myself a little here. I make the best peanut butter fudge on the face of the planet (as well as mashed potatoes but that is a different story). Anyway, I made some peanut butter fudge for J's son to take to his wife's family's house for the holiday. There was a lot left so I put it in a green (yes green) container. That container has gone missing.

The last time I saw the container or the fudge was Thursday night, we were both propped up in our bed watching television and snarfing fudge. It has since disappeared.

J ain't talking.

I have ways to make him talk.

When asked where it was, he stared at me then said (in a tone.. he used a tone)- but he said, "its downstairs."

I'm downstairs now and I see no green container of peanut butter fudge anywhere.

Something sinister is afoot. I am on the case.

Update: The missing fudge has been located. No questions please. *hands over the camera*


Move along. Nothing further to see here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am not a poet, but in honor of Thanksgiving Day I have been inspired to new heights of poetic inspiration.  Enjoy.

The Lament of the Unwashed Dishes

a poem, by Deb

Thanksgiving Day, a day of thanks and gratitude,

of turkey dinners and pumpkin pie,

of unbuttoned pants and family angst;

A day of love and honor and working together,

to enjoy a family meal.

As I walked into the kitchen my heart swelled 

with affection and gratitude that you had done the dishes the day before.

No dirty dishes in the sink to hinder my creativity.

But alas - 

alas.

Upon opening the dishwasher to remove a spoon it was discovered,

the horror.

You had not washed the dishes, you had piled them in the dishwasher.

Unrinsed.

You had not placed dishwasher soap in the soap bin.

You had not started the dishwasher.

The dishes.  They were dirty with last night's spaghetti.

They were coated with your extra helping of Chef Boyardee Ravioli.

The truth.  It was ugly.

Alas.

Another Thanksgiving Day. 

The End.

I hope this poem inspires you to help with the dishes. :-)

I Totally Did That!

I was skimming over old blog posts.   Believe it or not this blog has been around for 5 1/2 years, with my first post being on March 25, 2005.  Anyway.. I found a post that had the following paragraph in it, from September of 2005:

That almost makes me wish I had a life so I could have fun with it. I think I'll plan a solo vacation, to Scotland. I'll stay in a tiny bed & breakfast in a tiny town, and walk the back roads and explore the nooks and crannies, and have people laugh at my accent (or lack of one actually), find a nice, devastatingly handsome scot to have a holiday affair with, and then go quietly on my way, leaving him behind to pine for me.

Sounds like a plan. hehe

I realized that the bed & breakfast was a Holiday Inn in Glasgow, but I so totally did the above, and it was GREAT. I love it when my ridiculous fantasies come true. I wonder if he still pines for me. ;-)

Airport Xrays

I was wondering, with my knee in the sorry shape it is in, can I just book a cheap flight and go through the x-ray machine at the airport?  That would probably cost less than a doctor visit.

Maybe not.

I'm not sure how many people outside the U.S. is hearing about the furor over here with being x-rayed before a flight.  We can "opt out," but if we do we get the sexual assault treatment, which includes getting your man bits or lady bits felt up.  I dunno about you guys, but if us ladies were all that interested in smuggling something illegal through the security lines, we have a built in hiding place... pretty soon they will have their screeners checking that out as well.  Anyway, that is beside the point...

I've done a bit of research (about 2 minutes worth), and I came up with a couple of images for you to peruse.

I'm not sure about you, but this one above seems pretty damn explicit to me.  What the point of this is I have yet to ascertain.  And why is this image being released?  TSA claims the images aren't saved... if they aren't saved then I shouldn't have been able to find these images, should I?  I love how our government treats us like a bunch of wayward kindergarteners.  Tell us what they think we want to hear, true or not.. and hopefully we'll shut up and take our naps and leave them alone to further advance their agendas (do I sound like a conspiracy theorist?  I hope so, I always wanted to be one of those weirdos). 

This is an x-ray I found of shoe bombs.  I couldn't be bothered to read the entire article, but it is here on the TSA website, if you are interested.  Now this is technology I can understand.  Hollowed out shoes.  It has been proven and reported that there are idiots out there in the world that are trying to hurt us infidels.  By blowing off their feet on a crowded airplane.  I understand the x-raying of shoes and fully support it.  I take my shoes off without complaint when I go to fly somewhere.  In some weird way it makes me feel a little bit safer... but ...  x-rays of all my lady bits does not.  It makes me feel violated.

Baby Brother O'Mine works for one of the major airline carriers as a pilot.  I asked him what the policy on the x-rays and pat downs for the air crew is.  He says they were told by their union not to comply.    I just wish us regular folks had that choice.  As it is the only choice we have is to comply or don't fly.

I did find a link on the TSA website to another article that claims that 4 out of 5 Americans support the policies.  I call bullshit on that one.  Read for yourself.  Bullshit.

Later.

Another One.....

I guess you guys are getting tired of the complaining about my life posts, but some things are just too weird not to post so shut up, suck it up, and read this shit...

Bacon. It is not designed to be eaten raw. It is by nature a delicious treat, when cooked and all the nasties are removed from it, but unless you have something like this:

....  then eating raw bacon is a bad idea.  It can make you deathly ill, give you parasites and weird ass diseases, and according to an episode of House can give you tapeworm of the brain. 

Unfortunately for J's son, he never saw that episode.

Last night I went into the kitchen to cook dinner (nothing fancy, pancakes & bacon).  However, upon opening the refrigerator door and removing the package of bacon, it was discovered that the bacon was mostly gone.  The package was nearly empty.  I was taken aback...when did I cook that?  Did I sleep cook?  I don't remember smelling bacon cooking..  OMG I'm losing time I must have multiple personalities.  When did my other personality cook that bacon??

No.  Nothing so interesting.  J's son ate it. 

Raw.

As in uncooked.  He said he didn't know it had to be cooked.  He's 21 years old!  Hasn't his mother ever told him don't eat raw pork or chicken?  What the hell???

I was quite upset, not least because bacon is a helluva expensive item to buy these days, but because now I've got a 21 year old, 6'0" dude living under my roof that is going to get tapeworm of the brain, and I just know I'm going to be asked to change his diapers.

Things are definitely not going as planned.

Great Googly Moogly!!!

So I may (or may not) have told you about J's son now living with us. He's married, but nobody will take in him and his wife - I am pretty sure that the reasons being just their pure power to annoy the living shit out of everyone around them. Anyway, he is now staying with us. Our grocery bill has now tripled.

Example - last night we ordered one of those HUGE Pizza Hut Big Italy pizzas... along with 2 orders of bread sticks (when J asked my why I got two orders, I just said I would like to get one). So the pizza arrives, J gets a few slices, I get a few slices and I grab a package of the bread sticks, and he and I head down to the family room. Fast forward 30 minutes later with J's son hollering down could he have the other package of bread sticks. Since J and I had already split the other package, J told him yes, he could have them. We then went to go outdoors for a cigarette and passed by the EMPTY pizza box EMPTY!! This was a Big Italy, which, according to Wikipedia, is nearly 2 feet long! He ate the whole thing and then came back for the bread sticks!

Oh.MY. GAWD.. I can't even type that right I'm so amazed.

Then.. THEN... I get up this morning and wander through the kitchen thinking I might like a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal (I love that stuff). Actually it is the Malt-O-Meal brand but it tastes just as good. Anyway, last week we had bought the big gigantic bag of cereal (because we knew). That bag of cereal was approximately the size of a 20 pound bag of potatoes, it was a LARGE LARGE bag. I filled a cereal container with it and put it on the counter. Within 2 days it was half gone. So I refilled the container with what was left in the bag. I have had two (count em 2) bowls of my beloved Captain Crunch. But when I went in to fetch a bowl today was I able to get any? No. All that is left in the container is Captain Crunch dust. Taunting me.

He also ate my chicken that I had left over from our pub dinner the other night. Gone. Just gone.

*sigh*

Oh.. maybe I should put J's multiple containers of grits on the cabinet in the hopes that his son will snarf it up. I hate that crap.

The Final Countdown

Before you read this post you are required to click the play to the above video. It sets the tone.

Got it? Good.

Okay, we are on the final countdown of house moving. Almost everything is moved over, but now we have to go over and clean the place up. The bad part is that my knee is the approximate size and shape of a smallish basketball. It hurts... but I am trudging through, knowing that it has to be done. Also unfortunately, we are reaping the benefits of having two long haired dogs and a long haired cat. Piles of hair underneath every spot that there was unmovable furniture. Its icky.

On a side note, I'm listening to the above music while I type this, it is trying to inspire me to be overly dramatic about everything.

So, let me ask you guys' opinion. J has been busy moving his stuff over.. things he had packed in boxes, etc., that I have never laid eyes on. I was perusing the goods this morning and discovered three (count em' 3) pairs of girl shoes. Obviously they do not belong to him because his feet are bigger than that**. Anyway - I like em, they fit me, but I do believe they belonged to an old girlfriend of his. Would it be kosher of me to steal them? I have no qualms whatsoever of wearing old girlfriend hand-me-downs, but what if we run into her at the mall and she sees me wearing her shoes?? I've lived with him in heathen sin for 2 years now, I'm assuming she has no plans to come back for them, but still...... what do you think? (Hey, Brian J., if you are reading this, what would Dr. Creepy do??)

And another question!  Now that I'm in overly dramatic mode...   Why, oh WHY, can't my phone (Samsung HTC Epic) send pictures I have taken to my email.  I can take the pictures, it says they are emailed, but the emails never arrive THEY NEVER ARRIVE!  Nevermind..  it just arrived.

Dramatic Tree

This was taken in the front yard of our brand spanking new house.  Yes I know, I should be taking house pictures, but there are boxes everywhere and our pool is covered with some weird and unattractive barrier so that I can't access it.  I'm told its a pool cover, but it seems to have just been put into place to thwart me.  So you get trees.

I'm out.  Love ya mean it!!!


P.S.:  I had finished this post and was goofing off on the computer and decided to have a look at my sitemeter.  Someone was referred to this blog from doing a search for.......   wait for it.........  "peeing grannies."  That is just so wrong on so many levels.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA






**What is it with me and cross dressing lately??

Have You Ever...

Just looked at someone and known that they needed immediate help?  J's daughter was over last night - the poor girl looks about as beat down as one person can get.  I told J its time to invite her to stay and he has agreed, so it looks like we will now have two (2) grown adult kids living with us. 

I am suddenly very tired.

Although to be fair, that could be because I thought I was waking up at a normal person time, and got up to find out that the clock next to my bed is extreme in its wrongness and it was only 4:30.  But... on the bright side...  the alarm will be coming on in about 15 minutes and J will be quite pissed.  I will just laugh my evil laugh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA because I asked him last night to set the clock to the correct time. 

In other man news - I got a text message from my daughter on Saturday night, telling me that she heard something crazy about her dad and that I was supposed to call her ASAP.  Well, I didn't.  I texted her back and said if she is talking about his cross dressing habits then I already knew about that. 

Some people have no sense of humor.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd She's Back (Yet Again)

There is something sublime about being able to sit at my desk in the middle of the night & chain smoke and drink energy drinks and play on the internet.  Except now:

NEW HOUSE NEW RULES

We don't smoke in the house anymore. I have to go outdoors, in frigid Maryland weather, if I want a cigarette. Its getting to the point that it is too cold to bother with. Thank God I have my e-cigs.. but... unfortunately... for me... cuz I'm a stoopidhead... I lost the charger in the move. Well, its not lost, its packed and I have been unable to locate it, so no e-cigs for now. Those things are great though, they create water vapor instead of smoke, so you can use them anywhere (they say), no secondhand smoke, and they plug right into your USB port to recharge (if you don't lose your charger in oh.. say.. a house move).

In further news, J's son is now living with us. A 21 year old married man, but nobody will allow the two of them to live together in matrimonial bliss, so she lives with her parents still and he has just moved in with us. (Its a long long story.) Anyway, chores and him are unfamiliar friends and it seems to be up to me to make sure he pitches in and does some stuff around here. Last night after dinner I had cleaned the kitchen and about an hour later he comes down with dishes from his bedroom, which he piled in the sink and left for me to clean. Considerate, eh? I marched to the stairs and politely screamed JOSEPH!! GET DOWN HERE AND WASH THESE DISHES! He came down, rinsed them and went back up the stairs, leaving the rinsed dishes in the sink. I again politely went to the stairs JOSEPH!!! Him: Whut? Me: When I say wash the dishes, I mean turn on the freaking hot water, soap up the sponge, WASH THEM, dry them, andthenputthemwheretheybelongbecauseifyoukeepdishesinyourroompastthetimeofmeloadingthedishwasheritisuptoyoutowashwhatyouhavetherebecauseIamnotafreakingservanttowashyourdishesatyoureverywhim. Ya got it??? Him: Yes. I expected his dad to be a lil mad at me, but he just looked at me and smirked. I do love him lots. hehe

Another issue I am having is with my left knee. It hurts. A lot. I'm not sure what I did to it, twisted the hell out of it somehow, but walking the stairs in this place is sometimes quite painful, and unpacking is being done very slowly. I have no kneecap really, where it should be is approximately the size and shape of a basketball. Ace Bandages rule.  (I started to add something here about my ability to be on my knees and how lucky J is that it hasn't affected that, but I thought that would be uncouth and I'm all about couthiness on this blog.)

So there ya have it, a complaint post. Feel free to poke as much fun of me as you like.. I welcome your sarcasm and ridicule. Anything to take my mind off the 21 year old married man that is living in what should be J and my sex shack but has turned into a familial compound. (There's another post, his daughter informed us she was bringing her two cats for us to babysit.. for two months.  Ya think I went apeshit over the dishes?  That was nothing.)  

;-)

In Honor of Halloween (and because I'll be offline for a few days)

I thought I'd put together a list of the all time top 5 horror movie titles with the cheesiest descriptions (in my inflated opinion, that is). Without further ado:

#5 Buttcrack

The gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' Preacher Man Bob must right the universal karma accidently set wrong when Brian inadvertantlty kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.  (I have actually seen this one and laughed my ass off BWAHAHAHAHAHAA...  was a Christmas gift from the former boss dude.)

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#4 Rabid Grannies

When given a demonic present by their black sheep nephew two kindly old grannies are transformed into demons who proceed to gorily knock-off their greedy relatives.

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#3 Killer Condom

A professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him. But when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.

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#2 Pot Zombies 

Radioactive weed turns people into zombies with the munchies for human flesh!

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#1 Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren't the only ones crying fowl!

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Personally I can't wait to watch the Poutrygeist movie  (I bet I never look at KFC the same again.).  I totally plan to watch all the rest for Halloween.  :-)

This Song Is Stuck In My Head

Just FYI - my methods are totally scrutable.

Halloween's a Comin'

I am attempting to get the house packed, but am getting very little cooperation. I was going to write a haunted post, but thought I'd do this instead. :-)



(p.s. Jess: I had a WEIRD ASS dream about having an affair with DRS last night. OMG it reminded me of you and some of our conversations in the office, LOL)

Anyone Seen My Head?

It was totally bit off this morning.  I've been unable to locate it ever since....

Love It

This song brings back so many memories from when I was a kid.... and some from adult years.

I think I'll make this my theme song.*






*subject to frequent changes of mind

Moving Moving Moving

I may have mentioned (once or twice) that I hate moving.  I prefer to be lazy and just let it all find its way to the new house somehow.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening, so up off my arse it is.  I've just discovered that J hasn't made the cable guy appointment yet either, so we are likely to be without internet for a bit.  (OHMYGAWDWTF HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE??)   Luckily my fancy new phone (HTC Epic) is a mobile hotspot.  I rather doubt the connection will be worth much, but I'll let ya know how it works. 

Topic change:   Last night I had a 15 minute conversation with God.  (Yes, I do believe I was dreaming.)  I remember asking questions, I remember the questions being clearly answered.  I do not remember the questions or the answers.  It sucks...  a God conversation and I remember none of it.  The story of my life. 

If you could have a 15 minute conversation with God and knew he would answer anything you asked, what would you ask?

Why haven't I won the lottery?    -  Because you don't play.
Why aren't I thin and beautiful?  -  Because you are a lazy arse who likes chocolate too much.

Things like that?

lol

I Stole This From A Friend's Facebook

This makes perfect sense to me.  Obviously dogs have less sense of humor than birds.  Either that or birds are too easily influenced and dogs have an inner maternal streak.  Either way, if my dogs start trying to dictate when I consume any alcoholic recreational beverages they are going to be locked in the bathroom for the duration.

Just sayin.

I'd have loved to have heard the police officer's conversation as they drove away from that one.   hehe

T Minus 18 Days (plus a bit of randomness)

We will be moving into the new place in 18 days.  I hate moving.  We've barely started packing and its crazy insane how much two people can accumulate.  I hate moving.  Our basement is packed wall to wall with mostly my crap from my Savannah days (which I never unpacked in anticipation for moving).  I hate moving.  Fortunately, when we get moved into the new house, I will finally finally FINALLY get to unpack my crap.. it will feel like Christmas morning since I haven't laid eyes on that stuff in ages.  I hate moving.  Unfortunately (and as I have lamented in earlier posts), our pool will be closed down and unusable until next summer.  I hate moving.  I also need to make an appointment to get the extremely furry dogs shaved so we don't have dog hairballs from one end of our brand new house to the other. I hate moving.

Random aside moment:  I just saw a commercial for Burn Notice.  I like the show and watch it rather often, but one thing bugs the shit out of me.  Have any of you noticed that in the first season Fiona had an Irish accent (albeit a really horrible one), but she was supposedly a member of the IRA, etc.. but second season she totally lost the accent.  Do you Irish folks lose your accents that easily?  (/end random aside)

Oh wait.. another random aside:  Anything @twitter makes me cringe.  I hate it.  (/end second random aside)

So anyway..  I think I may have mentioned that I hate moving.

Dear Dawn Wells:

I did a blog post a while back, back in your party days.. back when you, like the majority of Americans, dabbled with the apocynum cannabinu, piddled with the pretendica, fondled the flowers (sorry, I love Urban Dictionary) - smoked the ganja - okay okay I'll stop - you got busted with the weed.  I did this post from the perspective of your arresting officer and, personally, I thought it quite clever.   However, looking back I can spot one mistake that I made in that post.  I posted a picture of you from Gilligan's Island days.  You were smokin' hot in that pic and apparently lots and LOTS of people thought so as well since I get the majority of my blog hits from people Googling that picture.

I love ya Dawn, I really do, but this development has started to bug me.  I have done so many other posts that were cleverer, yet they don't receive any of the attention that you in your itty bitty shorts do.

But I'm not bitter.

Most people would be thinking about now that any attention to my blog is better than none (and to be fair, if not for your hotness, this blog would be receiving none).

Wait.. wait.. okay. I'll take it.  I concede that most people would be right.  Keep it coming people - Dawn Wells rocks the farm!

My apologies for the complaints Dawn. I take it all back. In fact I will post another picture of your current hotness (damn woman look your age for gawd's sake). It isn't fair that you are still this gorgeous at your age.

Ginger who?

(Sorry, I had to.)

Guess What I Get To Do Today??

I get to go learn how to close a swimming pool for the season in our brand new house with our brand new pool.

Fuck My Life.

LOL

I Need A New Title

"Inspirational Moments from the Duly Busted" had its moment but that moment has passed.  I chose that name back in the day when I lived in Savannah and somehow my employers found out about this blog and pointed out that they didn't find some of my posts humorous.  Well... to be fair.. most of the ones they were protesting was about a stupid jerk of a bitch who worked in the office with us and not about the office itself, which is probably the only reason they didn't fire me.  They knew she was a stupid jerk but they had to at least pretend to be concerned.  So I added that title and all was well, but it is no longer relevant and I need a new one.   I'm thinking of using Jess' description of me - slutmonkey cootercanoeing hobag - which I find quite amusing.

In further news - it has come to my attention that this blog currently comes up as #1 starred Google search for "Controversial Toys."  I did one (1) blog post on that topic and suddenly I'm the #1 Google expert on it?  I'm not even mentioning the part where I'm linked in an Iowa Newspaper for the same thing.  I'M FAMOUS!    hehe

Okay, so since I'm already famous for that, I might as well add a few more, eh?

What kid doesn't want bloody cat guts for their birthday?   Actually, this is from a crafting site.  I really really like the tiger holding the bloody human arm in his mouth.  Can one of you creative people make that for me, please?

Next up is Lego Terrorists (not made by Lego).  These are custom designed by a company called Brickarms and, of course, some of the militant Muslim faith take offense at these.  Dunno why. Oh.. and that company also sells Nazi soldiers for your Lego set.  It would be a deprived child that doesn't have a toy Nazi.

This adorable little puppy is Squirt, the Humping Bulldog.  Oddly enough I just thought of the Georgia Bulldogs when I saw this - but that is beside the point.  Strap him on and watch him go (oh the inappropriate visuals that accompanied my typing that line).  He can be found here,


And last, but definitely not least:

The Jesus Saves bank.  Not exactly a toy, but just as entertaining as one.  I believe (bwahahaha) that if you take the money from one beer a week and deposit into your Jesus Saves bank, at the end of 3 months your Jesus will have saved you up enough for one 12 pack of beer.  A miracle!


Okay, that is all for now.  Seeing as how I seem to be the (self-proclaimed) expert on controversial toys, this post should only add to the legend that is me.


Love ya mean it!

Where's Deb??

I was in the process of removing all my posts and I was just going to leave one that said "Goodbye," but I have found myself noticing the absurdities of life again lately and need an outlet to post them.  Facebook doesn't do it for me because my parents (and all my Canada-ian relatives) are listed as friends there, and any fucking bad language would cause my parents to disown me and remove me from their will.   Soooo..  here I am, back again.

I've been gone so long that I don't know what all the Blogspot does these days, so I will have to spend some time exploring all the various bells & whistles (and do lots of button pushing) to see what is what.  Hopefully I won't screw my blog up because 1) I no longer have a backup of it since I reformatted my computer; and 2) there is no 2 really, I just thought numbering my sorry excuses made them look more plausible.  Hopefully there will be a few of you who remember me.  If not, maybe a few more friends will wander this way.  

Okay so let's start with current news.  We (as in J and myself) have bought a house that we will be moving into at the end of the month.  It has a pool.  The rest of the house is irrelevant.  Unfortunately, moving into a house with a pool in Maryland means that the pool will be unused until next spring, and that fucking pool will be mocking me all winter long.  Stupid pool.

Also, I have discovered that "Do you have a blog?" is now an accepted job interview question.  How am I supposed to answer that??  Do I confess to having a blog and have them find out that I'm an irreverent cow, or do I lie?  Its a conundrum.  ADVISE ME PLEASE!

In further news, our dog Maybe has gone senile.  She is 16 years old and for the most part acts like a puppy (when she's not asleep), but she has also forgotten that she is housetrained and that peeing on the carpet is a definite no-no.  How do you discipline a 16 year old senile dog?  I can't smack her on the nose with a newspaper cuz it might make her pee again.. plus that would feel like I'm trying to discipline someone's grandmother.. it would be disrespectful.   Another conundrum.

So there ya go.  Posting my mundane daily issues make them seem more interesting really.

I MISSED YOU GUYS!!!

Ta Daaaaaa

I am only doing this so I can go back to the top of Jess's blog list. 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Conversations with my Kid

The following is an actual conversation I recently had with my son*. 


The most awesome son ever:  Hey, you should ask Lulu (not her real name) to ask Wayne Coyne if I can take him to lunch. Maybe it will help that I'm in college now?

Me:  Would probably be more helpful if you had actual cash to take him to lunch with?

Awesome son:  I can spare some money for WAYNE COYNE. Gosh..

Me:  lol   You're so cool.

Awesome son again:  Seriously though.


*  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Oh. My. Gawd - Thank the Good Lord

I just read this article - Filming of Jon & Kate kids halted.

I swear to god I have never been so sick of stupid TV drama since the days of Anna Nicole.  Through all of their bullshit I have thought often of those kids, what they are being told, etc.  They have lived their entire lives in front of a camera with parents who's only talents seem to be the ability to massively procreate.  Their dad stepping in and putting a stop to it is finally the right thing to do, even if he did time it badly to the point of making it look like it is just sour grapes, since he was basically being phased out... although phasing out the father of 8 kids would be a bit of a difficult task.  I guess he put them in their place, didn't he.

I think I like him more than the fame grubbing mother.  Even if her haircut did get Jessica an enormous amount of blog hits.

Maybe they will all go away now.

Karma

It gets ya every time.

JC's son is visiting with us this week.  On Saturday, his mother called him practically yelling at him over the phone.  Apparently he had ran the cell phone bill up, A LOT (when JC asked how much, the number was $800).  What I find so amusing was the expression of delight on JC's face when he heard this, and here is the reason why - When his son's birthday came up in May, we went shopping and got him a prepay cell phone for his birthday, and splurged on a goodly amount of minutes for him.  When JC told his ex wife what he had gotten his son, she seemed all for it, said she would pitch in for minutes, etc.  She then went down and bought a brand spanking new cell phone and put JC's son on her plan....  so the birthday gift that JC had gotten was completely useless.  Needless to say that did not go over well, but JC being JC, decided to just let it go instead of stirring a fuss over it.  We just have this silly phone now that nobody can use.

Fast forward to this past Saturday and his ex wife with an $800 cell phone bill.  I had never seen JC's face light up like that.. not even when we.........  back behind the.............   that made him happy, but the $800 cell phone bill made him delirious. 

I just had to laugh.  Karma can be such a bitch sometimes. 

Sunday Morning

It's fall, the weather is cool.. it is my first fall season in about 11 years.  After living in Savannah which seems to have only two seasons - hot summer and approximately two weeks of cold weather that I suppose counts as winter - I am enjoying ACTUAL FALL WEATHER.  It puts me in the mood to get up on weekends and cook what I cooked this morning.  Banana pancakes with butter pecan syrup.

Yeah baby.  Life is good.   :-)

Pillagin' an' Plundering

Its Talk Like A Pirate Day! As I be havin' spake, this be me favorite holiday o' th' voyage. If someone wants t' start a petition t' make 't a national holiday, I be th' first t' sign. Hopefully I be able t' do several posts today in celebration o' this auspicious tide - that be unless me own swabbieal swashbuckler keeps me too busy t' get t' another post. But first, here be some cartoons from me favorite chicken site:

Sprail th' marnacles, that totally made me giggle.   The Chickens toons can be found at Savage Chickens.  I be indebted to ye Mr. Savage.

I'm a Winner

I just got the good news in an email:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59
 
Dear Selected winner,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash Prize of 
£615,193.00 (Six Hundred and Fifteen Thousand, One Hundred and Ninety Three 
Pounds Sterling in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in the United Kingdom.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our 
computerised email selection system from a database of over 250,000,000 email 
addresses drawn from all the continents of the world which your email was among 
the first seven (7) lucky winners.
To file for claim contact the claims officer via email by providing the 
following information:
 
Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................
 
For due remittance of funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691
 
Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.
 
NOTE: YOUR RESPONSE SHOULD BE SENT TO THE CLAIMS 
OFFICER MR. WILLIAM PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Now I have to decide what to do with my new windfall. First thing first though - I must translate the above letter into pirate for Talk Like A Pirate Day:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59

Dear Selected winner,
This be t' inform ye that ye ben selected fer a cash Prize o'
£615,193.00 (Six Bucketfull o' an' Fifteen Thousand, One Bucketfull o' an' Ninety Three
Pounds Sterlin' in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in th' United Kingdom.
Th' selection process be carried ou' through random selection in our
computerised email selection system from a database o' o'er 250,000,000 email
addresses drawn from all th' continents o' th' world which yer email be among
th' first se'en (7) lucky winners.
T' file fer claim contact th' claims officer via email by providin' th'
followin' information:

Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................

Fer due remittance o' funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691

Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.

NOTE: YER RESPONSE ORTIN' TA BE SENT T' TH' CLAIMS
OFFICER MR. WI BE PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Pirate booty! I won pirate booty! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Woot!

Hey guys! I know ye be on top o' this, but I jus' thought I would remind ye that two, count em TWO, days from now be Talk Like A Pirate Day, a/k/a me most favorite holiday o' th' voyage. I be so excited! A round o' grog fer sea dogs an' land lubbers! Time t' pillage an' plunder! Time t' act like th' wench I be!

Arrr. I feel better now, but look ou', thar be more like this on th' way.

Help Meeeeeeeeee!

Okay, maybe out of the two of you that read this, you will know why (oh why) my uploaded pictures are coming out so FREAKING GIGANTIC in blog posts such as the one below this one.  I've tried everything, even renaming them and reuploading them.  Nothing fixes it.

Its driving me crazy.  Yes I'm whining.  Help?

Zombie Fun

I am in a time pinch here..  JC will be home from work in approximately two hours, and I must make it look like I have not been a completely useless slouch for most of the day, but I thought I'd do a blog post on these must have zombie items, for your viewing pleasure. 

1)  The Dismember Me Plush Zombie

Every child should have one of these, to prepare them for the eventual zombie onslaught. If they know which parts remove easiest, they will have a head start (get it.. head??) on all their friends and they may survive the invasion with most of their body parts intact.

2) The Poseable R/C Zombie

 

Fun for the entire family. What better way to play with your cats. I can see it now, wake the cats up from their blissful nap with a walking, groaning brain eater. It would entertain me them for hours.








3)  For you literary types (Brian J.), Pride & Prejudice and Zombies

I personally have not perused this literary classic, but I have now added it to my reading list, if for nothing else than to expand my horizons, heighten my sense of elegance and maybe, just maybe, there will be hints on how to survive the upcoming zombie invasion.








4)  And finally, I have saved the best for last - the Crawling Zombie Torso Gelatin Mold

How else do you expect your loved ones to harden themselves to the eventual zombie invasion?  Life-like Jello molds always do the trick!  Although the informative description on the website is quite entertaining, this is serious business people!  Zombies are coming.. in fact I think some of them have arrived (think ex husbands and/or boyfriends).  Be prepared, is what I like to say.

There you have it, my contribution to society for today.  Now I'm off to make this place impeccably clean for when we are on lockdown to save ourselves from the zombie horde.

Thank you for your attention.  This has been a public service announcement.

P.S.:  For some reason Blogger is making my visual enhancements totally huge, but I can't be arsed to fix it right now, so oh well.  ***UPDATE - FIXED, YAYYY****

Holy Crap

Talk about causing childhood flashbacks.  I think I still love this song.. even though I was only 8 or 9 when this came out.  



I love my XM radio.. just an FYI.

My Desktop

This is my computer desktop. I was looking at it, studying its symmetry and depth. In awe of its beauty, and mostly just reading the Calvin & Hobbs cartoons that I just installed as a desktop gadget. I just had to share the joy.  (You are going to have to click on the pictures for the full color glory.)

View of my desktop:

A clear view of where exactly my Calvin Hobbs desktop gadget thingy resides:

Annnnd.. it flies out and I get a C & H cartoon. Its like magic!

This could keep me entertained for hours.

Yankee Goat

So, I spent the better part of an hour on the telephone with a girl with a fake American accent in the Philippines, attempting to get my brand spanking new, shiny radio up and going. (Remember the days when all ya had to do was turn it on and go?)

The conversation was amusing on several levels. One, when I gave them my radio number, it had the letters YG in the string. When she repeated the numbers back to me, she said, "Y as in Yankee, G as in Goat." I think I was insulted, but I can't be sure. I had to suppress the giggles at that point. She then went on to ask for our mailing address, which I gave to her... she confirmed that was correct, it is, indeed, my address. (Tears were starting to flow over that one.)

At the end of the conversation after everything was said and done, she tried to sell me an XM Satellite radio. But.... but.... I have one. The fact that I was attempting to have it activated, and had a radio number (Yankee Goat) to give her, that might have been a small, tiniest bit of a clue that I actually had a radio already.

It would have been almost worth it to buy another radio to see what sort of insult she could have squeezed out of the new radio numbers. hehe

No Commercials?

JC has given me an XM Satellite Radio for my birthday. My birthday is two months away, but he already ordered it and the subscription started, so he gave it to me early. I don't know much about satellite radio besides what I've seen when we ride in his car, but I love the comedy channels. Blasting classical music is going to take on a whole new meaning now (although he has informed me that he would appreciate it if I turn it off when he gets home, the putz).

The radio has a hookup for my car and a docking station for the house, so I am set wherever I happen to be.

Are there commercials on satellite radio or is the no commercial thing just a myth?

Oh.. by the way....

There was one very good result of my stint at Target - I was constantly on the run, barely time for lunches - and I have now amazed JC with my level of physical flexibility. BWAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

The 80s

I have always had a fondness for old 80s music.. does that make me a freak? (Shaddup Jess). Since I now have a semblance of free time on my hands I was surfing You Tube for old 80s songs and enjoying myself in a major way. I know you are dying for me to share, so here we go.. some of my favorite 80s songs, for your listening pleasure (in no particular order of favoritism).

(This was before the days of George Michael's "potty breaks.")




It was a toss up between this song and Little Red Corvette, but the Prince picture on this one was cooler than the one for Little Red Corvette, so it won the toss.


Rick Springfield.. ahhh the fantasies. hehe




And, of course, we cannot have a favorite 80s list without AC/DC.


That's it for now. I am having fun listening to this old music though, so there will likely be more in the near future. :)