The Wake

Yes I went to the memorial service and wake. The memorial service was very respectful, funny at times. At one point I had tears in my eyes even though I didn't know the man who was being memorialized, other than through reading his blog. The young son that he lost contact with broke down and cried at the end. That boy will have some issues from this I am afraid. I hope someone saves the man's archives so that his son, when he is grown, can see how much his dad loved him, no matter what.

I wasn't required to take pictures at the wake, which is a good thing because I am told that it didn't break up until 1:00 a.m. I felt very out of place there, amongst family and friends of someone I had never met. I stayed long enough to show my respect, then quietly snuck out. I expect a lot of those pictures will turn up on blogs around the country in the next few days, there were a LOT of people there, a large percentage of them bloggers. It was odd, I saw several people that I recognized from their profile pictures on blogs that I have been reading for quite some time now. I felt like I was among celebrities.

;-)

My Poor Child

My son has been trapped in this apartment for days now. I've been struggling with going to work and still being kind of sick, so every night I come home and collapse, not feeling very well. He is here during the day, not doing much, just trying to keep himself occupied. One of the ways he is occupying himself is to catch up on all four of the Harry Potter movies, which is fine, he has never seen them, but the problem is that is all he has watched for around 4 days straight now.

Last night I came home and he was in an alarmingly good mood. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was playing (for about the 30th time). I told him he needed to change movies, at which point he giggled.. which should have warned me there was something going on, but I was tired and didn't really notice (because ya know, 15 year old boys just don't normally giggle).

I started to notice the real problem when he was quoting the movie at the same time of the movie. I looked at him and said, "Noah, we need to change this movie." He giggled again and practically yelled NOOOOO, he likes this one! He then started asking me bizarre wizard questions, such as if a wizard wanted to commit suicide would they just turn their own wand on themselves and do the killing curse, or could they force their own will on themselves and put themselves under their own control. It then evolved to what happens during a wizard war, do they have machine wands and how can wizard kids possibly survive without videogames.

I decided then that something drastic had to be done. When he wasn't looking I put on a vampire movie and tonight I'm taking him out to dinner and to see Superman.

I hope he isn't damaged permanently. Pray for us.

And So It Starts

I have mentioned in a couple of earlier posts about Boss #1's brother having passed away a few days ago, and about how he was a pretty well known blogger. I have been reading the comments on what was his blog, and reading posts on other blogs about the man. It seems everyone pretty much claims to have known him best. The guy was a tortured soul and I am not sure anyone really knew him.

I never met him at all, so I am not really one to judge. I do know the man's brother, however, and the outpouring of love on his brother's blog has overwhelmed and comforted him beyond measure. I mentioned yesterday that if only his brother had known how much he was loved. Boss #1 agreed.

The guy is gone, never to return, but his family is still here. If the "I knew him best" stories comforts them, then so be it. Let them continue.

The Painters Are In

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that this particular phrase usually means something completely different than how I mean it now. Normally for me it means that its that time of the month (she says in a discreet whisper, fully aware that the menfolk like to pretend that that particular phenomenon is the stuff of myths).

But..... on this particular day, when I say the painters are in, I mean the painters are in. They are just arriving at the carriage house for a day of painting. I can see them out my window and have watched them hauling their equipment up the stairs, some of them in their shorts. It may just be a nice day.

Not that I'm sexist or anything.

;-)

Funerals

I hate them. I would just about rather gnaw my own leg off than go to one. When I die I am putting it in my will that there are to be no funerals.

Here is my dilemma. As I posted earlier, Boss #1's brother died on Sunday. The service for him in Thursday afternoon. I feel obligated to go, even though I didn't know the man, to support Boss #1 who's family members are sadly dwindling. However, the brother is a pretty well-known blogger, and I expect there will be a large amount of people at the funeral, some flying in from all parts of the known world. I read the man's blog on a regular basis, and will miss his acerbic wit and charm.. but at the same time I feel like I will be invading Boss #1's privacy by going.

I'm not sure what I will do. I will probably go.

Skunks

I have a peculiar trait. I like the smell of skunk (in small doses, that is). Not because I think it is a pleasant smell, it isn't by any means, but it is an evocative smell. When a person smells that particular odor, it immediately takes them back to their funniest skunk story (or maybe that's just me).

Here's mine:

It was around early March of 1989 or thereabout. My husband (at the time) and I had just spent four years building our house from scratch and paying for it as we went, so there was no mortgage. Our daughter (yes that one) was 3 or 4 years old at the time. My first baby was a tiny terrier dog named George. That was one spoiled dog, but that is beside the point.

We had all moved into our nice, shiny new house, brand new carpet, new paint in the walls, etc.. boxes hadn't even all been unpacked. It was getting to be around bedtime, so I was in the bath (as was my want and habit). While I was in the bath my husband (at the time) decided to let George out to do his bedtime duty. George was well-trained, he would not cross property lines, so we trusted him to run out and do his thing and come back inside with no supervision. HOWEVER, that night, there was a cute little furry thing in the yard that George felt the need to investigate. Yup. Skunk. George decided he would be friendly with the pretty kitty and do what dogs do and run up and smell its ass.

George got a face full.

About that time, unbeknownst to my husband (at the time), who had opened the door and yelled for George to come inside, George came inside. At a dead run trying to escape the smell. I could hear my husband (at the time) start yelling and my daughter start screaming and crying, "Is he going to die, daddy???" George thought he could escape that horrible stench by running at a dead run through our brand new shiny house, with brand new carpet, with his face down on the carpet trying his best to rub that smell off.

Of course it didn't work, it just shared the joy.

George slept outside that night and we all slept in our brand new shiny house with brand new carpet with every window in the house open. It was about 40 degrees outside. Needless to say we all cuddled as close as we could get.

Now tell me the next time you smell skunk smell that you won't think of your funniest skunk story. ;-)



P.S. and FYI: Carpet Fresh for Pet Odors works WONDERS with getting skunk smell out of carpets. I have sworn ever since that that stuff is the greatest invention ever.

I hope you guys are ready.

When my son heads back to his dad's house, I will have an extreme amount of extra time on my hands, not to mention needing something to keep me busy.. along with the fact that my solo trip out of the country will be zooming up very quickly and will start to scare the bejesus out of me. So... knowing all of that, you guys need to be prepared for a bombardment of posts. I will be whiny (first of all), possibly intoxicated (occasionally), who knows, maybe even completely bare assed.

I don't blog when my son is around mostly because I don't want him to know what I'm up to. (I'm bad I'm bad.) If he knew, he would read it. If he read it, I would feel the need to completely behave, which is no fun at all.

So for now, he can be clueless. ;-)

King Tut

I am probably giving away my age by saying I remember when this was a huge craze back in the 70s. It brings back a lot of memories... in fact, that was the first 8 Track I ever bought. hehe

Okay So........

Here I am. Of course it is the middle of the night. I know you guys are used to my rambling, middle of the night posts, but this time it is for a good reason.

My computer has been hijacked.

Not by a virus or worm. No, nothing that interesting.

It has been hijacked by a 15 year old Runescape fanatic. I get no computer time at all. He talked me into paying for a month's membership for him since he is here during the day with me at work... boredom, ya know mom?? So I, being the generous and loving mother that I am, paid for the month's subscription.

Now, when I am on the computer, he is behind me, hovering, asking me if I'm almost finished with what I'm doing. No. Fuck off kid. But mommmmmmmmmmmmm.............

I don't mind really. At least he's getting my money's worth out of the game. ;-)

I Have Done It

I have taken the plunge. I have decided to be brave. I can't back out now. I have bought my tickets to Scotland.

You have to understand, other than Canada (and I'm not sure that counts anyway, not when 90% of my family are from there), I have never been out of the U.S. The WRS has pointed out to me many times that the majority of Americans don't even have passports, much less ever been out of the country. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I took it as a challenge, so I got my passport (step one) and bought my tickets (step two). He tells me that my actions has thrown his statistics into turmoil.

This is the year of life changing experiences for me. I may as well run with it, eh?

I can't wait. ;-)

Something to Occupy Your Time

While I slowly recover.

Whack Your Boss

This is funny in an odd, twisted sort of way.

O Misery

I am so miserable. My sore throat turned into a full blown, I wanna die, illness. Obviously I haven't dragged myself from my bed of affliction to post here.

Sorry.

Hopefully things will be back to normal soon. Or I'll die a horrible, painful, fever wracked death, one or the other.

Sniffle - Coff Coff

After everything my son had, I wound up with the sore throat. I HATE having sore throats. I have a sensitive throat to where if it hurts, I just would rather someone kill me now.

Or maybe I'm a big baby. Either way I'm miserable.

Coff Coff

Everything smells funny too.

Its Inspirational Song Time!

(It would have been funnier if the spelling had been better, but oh well, we can't have everything, can we.)

;-)

A Brilliant Idea

As the title says, I have just had a brilliant idea (or a cunning plan, as the WRS puts it). My red nose.. if I wear a pink or red shirt today, everyone will just think its a reflection, not an actual Rudolph nose.

This will be great................

Monday

Yup. Its here again. Monday. The day that we all wake up from our weekend of fun induced comas. The day that we drag ourselves our of our comfy beds, with the mantra playing in our head - - "We must get to work we must contribute we must pay our taxes we must get to work we must contribute we must pay our taxes...."

I had a decent weekend, my son keeps me more active than I am used to being and yet still has the nerve to tell me he's bored. WTF*???

I am actually a little bit embarrassed to go to work today. When I went to the beach yesterday, I made sure I slathered myself generously with sunscreen. It apparently wasn't generous enough. My NOSE is RED. I look like fucking Bozo the Clown. But no, I will not behave in an embarrassed fashion. I will walk proudly, my nose glowing, yet I will stand strong and feign ignorance at the cruelty and laughter, and attempt to be blissfully unaware of how fucking obnoxious my red nose truly is. Do not pity me, I will prevail. I will go bravely forward, paving the way for people with red noses so that they, too, can walk in public, free from embarrassment. Its a tough job but someones gotta do it.



*WTF = What The Fuck to the lingo uninitiated.

I. Am. Still. Here. Dammit.

I have gotten all ready, I'm in my beach attire, I have my beach bag packed, camera & MP3 player ready to go. I have had my coffee. I am covered from hairline to toenails in sunscreen.

My son won't get outta the fucking bed.

Argh.

I Think I'm in Trouble

I need to get a babelfish.

Coffee Coffee Coffee

I just woke up. I am so so so sleepy.

But I promised the kid we'd hit the beach today, and if we don't get there early we have to walk for miles to get a parking spot. The nice thing is I can sleep when I get there. He wants to go so he can eyeball the girls, I believe. I never thought my perfect little angel would become a hormonal slutpuppy of a dude.

Not that I have anything against slutpuppy dudes.. I just didn't want him to turn into one. I had visions of him being celebate until the age of 47, when he decided a life of charity and celibacy was a bit overwhelming and that he'd like a normal life for a short while, now that his mother was dead.

Or something like that.

Awwwww

Odat has written a poem for me, based on my late night last night rantings. hehe

She's so good to me. ;-)




*What's an iambic pentameter??*

When Does Funny Become Cruel?

My son was sitting here on my computer last night watching videos of funny stuff from a particular website. There was a video on there of a guy who goes in his pickup to where some Mexican men are standing around waiting for someone to hire them. He convinces all of them that he has a job for them, and they all climb into the back of his pickup truck. He then proceeds to take them to the INS office. When they realize where they are, the Mexican men scatter to the four winds, as fast as they can possibly go.

On one hand yes, its a little bit funny. But it is cruel as well. The men may be here illegally, but there is no call for anyone, ANYONE, to be cruel to them.

I debated on posting a link to the video. I didn't want to give it anymore airtime than its already had, but you can't really decide for yourselves without seeing it. If I will post the links to the muslim cartoons (damn infidel) I suppose I should post this as well.

Being offended is just a state of mind as far as I'm concerned.

Decide for yourselves. Let me know what you think.

Explain This to Me Please

I was looking through my site stats this morning, and it showed a hit from a search for "Grandpa Smurf Having Sex."

[Insert befuddled expression here.]

What the.........? First of all, WHO would be searching for something like that, and second, WHY would it hit on this blog???

Okay, I know I did do the post with the 7 types of sex, and Smurf Sex was one of them, but it was a JOKE people... I am not into kinky cartoon sex. (We can discuss the kinky real sex later.)

How would kinky cartoon sex go anyway, just at the critical moment one of the participants (probably cute and furry) would stop and hold up a sign saying "Harder Faster," while the other participant (probably a little creepy looking, think Elmer Fudd), would hold up another sign saying, "You want this baby?" While pulling the cute furry participant's oversized ears.

Okay I have hit a new low. This post is disturbing on so many levels.

So This Is How it Happens...

My son, who is visiting from Oklahoma, is sick. As a damn dawg. He was up most of the night with a 102 fever and throwing his guts up. We don't know if he ate something bad (although I don't see how that can be, all I've had in the place is oatmeal packets and pretzels), or if he picked up a virus from the plane ride. That is an aside point anyway.. he's just sick.

And male.

And whining like a little girl.

I'm pretty sure he has been taking moaning lessons from his dad.

I feel sorry for him, I do, truly I do. He is the best kid ever and I love him dearly. I am sympathetic, and the kid is finally asleep. Everytime I woke up last night he was on the computer or wandering through the apartment or throwing up.

Also, just so you guys can be prepared, if I get this from him, I expect full sympathy from all of you while I sit here and moan about wanting to die and stuff. k?

Ok.. so....

We're hanging out here at my place yesterday. Since I am a former smoker, I have lighters all over the place. My son decided he wanted to show me this really cool trick, but that it would take tearing up one of my lighters. Oh fine.. just leave me a couple (just in case ya know). So he rips apart this lighter and gets the flint out of it, sticks it into this tiny spring thingie that I guess came out of the destroyed lighter, and drags me outdoors. He uses another lighter to heat up the flint to glowing red, then throws it down on the ground.

IT FREAKING EXPLODED. It scared the everloving shit out of me! Sparks flew everywhere!

I had no idea. My son is a genius.

On a side note, I realized this morning that you guys know more about my life than anyone who is truly in my presence (with the exception of the WRS, who knows more than he'd actually like, I'm sure). I'm not sure if that is a disturbing or a comforting thought. I'll get back to you on that one. ;-)

T O R N A D O

When I was down in Jacksonville, picking up that handsome young guy, a tornado came through my neighborhood (from that tropical storm). My son, pistol that he is, said that he thought he was escaping that kind of thing by leaving Oklahoma. Wrong.

I dreamt about a tornado last night. I'm not sure if it was just because of the one hitting nearby, or the usual thing and just one of my bizarre dreams. I have dreamt of tornados several times, always a scary thing, always heading right towards me but I dodge it at the last second. I know dreams are supposedly to mean something, but I've no idea what that one means. I'm not sure I want to know. Its probably something profound and life changing, which would suck.

;-)

Jacksonville

I am leaving in a few minutes to drive to Jacksonville, Florida to meet a guy that I have been talking to on the phone for months. I've seen his picture, he's tall, kind of thin, long hair, and young.

Its drastic, I know, but I've been wanting to see him since the first of the year.

The thing is, I've never been to Jacksonville. So I'm going to be driving down there in the midst of a tropical storm. At night. To an unfamiliar town. To an unfamilar airport. And then back here. Its going to be a lonnnnnnnng night.









P.S.: The guy is my son. hehe

Email of the Day

How to Speak Like a Rapper

1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.

2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

13. KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

15. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy.

16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."

19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't but FASCINATE.

HA HA HAAAHAHAHAHA HAHA HA

Another Very Close Call

My daughter... yes, the one that nearly died from a serious infection less than two weeks ago, was in a horrible car crash this past weekend. She, as well as her boyfriend, were ejected from the vehicle that they were passengers in. She was knocked unconscious, he sustained horrifying injuries to his leg, but they both survived and they will both heal up just fine.

Now if only they would both wake up. A person can't survive two close calls like this and not have it wake her up to some extent...... can they?

Ahhhh, the joys of parenthood.

If you want intelligent, thought provoking things to read, don't read this blog.

I think I am a fairly intelligent person. I'm not the smartest person on the face of the earth, nor am I the dumbest. I lie somewhere firmly in the middle. The thing is, there are tons of blogs being written by very intelligent people, about politics, physics, probably even a chemical analysis of a piece of cheese, if anyone was so inclined to look for it.

This isn't that kind of blog.

I just thought I'd point that out to anyone who may not have noticed.

Other than occasional mood swings and hot flashes, I do this blog for my own entertainment. I post what strikes me funny.

The End.

;-)

But I Want to Gooo (whine whine whine)

I intended to go to the beach today, but its supposed to be hellishly hot. I love going, but I don't believe in torturing myself.

Maybe I'll torture myself tomorrow.

Have You Ever........

Gone out in public, walked around as if everything was peachy keen, only to realize that you had your shirt on backwards the whole time?

......................... Neither have I.

Insulted by a Celebrity

I went to high school at Classen High School in Oklahoma City. I was a year behind Wayne Coyne, who is now the lead singer for the Flaming Lips, a semi obscure band who nobody has really ever heard of, but who apparently has won a Grammy and is drooled over for their originality. (Or maybe I'm just bitter.)

Okay.. here is what happened. My daughter happens to have heard of them and asked me to see if I could wrangle her free tickets to their concert. Okie dokie.. so I call up my best friend from high school who was married to the original lead singer and brother of Wayne Coyne, who is the lead singer now, and ask her if she can get my kid in to the concert. Sure thang babe.. so my kid goes to the concert, free of charge.

After the concert is over, she meets Mr. Coyne and says, "My mom went to high school with you." Wayne looks at her, and says gravely, "Wow, she must be really old."

There ya have it. Insulted by a celebrity.

Someday, if ever I see him face to face, I will kick him in the shin.

My Dog

My dog's name is Jake (or Jack, as he is known in his more social circles). I just discovered a wonderful talent that he has. He is, at this moment, laying on the fireplace hearth, staring at me as if I am the most beautiful thing on earth. (Good dog! Have a steak!)

So I'm sitting here watching him watch me, and I tell him, "If you can understand me, blink once." No response. I try again, "I know you can understand me, just blink once so I'll know." BLINK

"GOOD DOG!! Do it again so I will know the first time wasn't a fluke.. blink once if you can understand me." BLINK

My dog understands proper queen's English spoken with a cross of midwestern/southern drawl! WHAT A GUY! This is a momentous day and the beginning of what I'm sure will be many long and interestingly deep & philosophical conversations.

Chat Abbreviations

I chat online on a game site called Pogo. Its just a place to hang and play some online games. Fun, distracting.. a bit annoying too at times, but what isn't these days. The chat includes a lot of abbreviations that I try not to use because I tend to type them in when I'm at work. Better for my state of mind and level of embarrassment if I keep things simple and type things in the queen's English as they are supposed to be. However, I realize that a lot of people enjoy using the abbreviations, so I will list some here, for your convenience:

LOL = Laugh Out Loud

TY = Thank You

YW = You're Welcome

LOAP = Lets Order A Pizza

BRB = Be Right Back

AFK = Away from the Keyboard

BBIAB = Be Back in a Bit

ASL = Age/Sex/Location? (That one is a classic, everyone loves it, use it often)

YMIAD = Your Mama is a Donkey

CYA = See Ya (I use this one often at work for Cover Yer Ass)

MDHF = My Dog Has Fleas

WTG = Way To Go

GPOTI = Go Play On The Interstate

LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off

CYABAB = Could Your Ass Be Any Bigger?

YHWTGAADKWHOA = Your Husband Wasn't That Great After All, Don't Know What He's On About

IDHIAH = I'd Do Him In A Heartbeat

PLS = Please

IJVIMS = I Just Vomited In My Shoe

I hope these come in handy for you. Just in case you ever visit me in Pogo land.

IJVIMS, LMAO -- CYA

I'm Obsessed

I got my new MP3 player last week. It will hold 20 GB of music, so I have been ripping all my CDs and putting them on the player. I can listen to anything at any time. I LOVE it.

Right now here are two of my favorites. (I kind of like obscure singers.) The first one is Amanda Marshall. I don't know much about her but I do think this song is brilliant and was my theme song from last weekend. ;-)




This one is Nick Drake. A guy from the 70s.. not well known, most people have no clue who he is. He's at the top of my favorite list.

Because I Can't

I just watched this video and laughed until tears ran. It brings back so many stupid memories, not least of high school and wishing I could dance. ;-) (Alas, I have accepted my shortcomings.. I cannot dance and can only admire from afar the ones that can.) Watching this video is like watching the last 30 years on MTV.

Artist Wannabe

I was playing with a very cool graphics program. It will take your photographs and turn them into a painted picture. I love things like that.

The Day of Evil

06/06/06, today is the day of the Anti-Christ.

Should we be worried? Of course.

Should we panic? Probably.

Should we take the day off from work and lay in bed watching cartoons and Montel and Maury all day just to be on the safe side? Most definitely.

Can't be too cautious these days, ya know.

Ugh.

Its the middle of the night. I, in my infinite wisdom, fell asleep almost the second I walked in the door from work. So now here it is the middle of the night, and it feels like it should be time to get up and get moving. Its not. So instead I took a QUIZ, yes its QUIZ time! yayyyy yippeeee!!!!

That is so sad. I can't even get a decent rank as a nerd. I should be hauled out and shot. No really, look at that, a score of 61, "Low Rank Nerd." That means that I am just nerdy enough to be uncool, but not nerdy enough to be decently smart. I am in the grey areas of nerdiness. The outer fringes of coolness. Its as if I don't exist.

I probably should stop taking these things in the middle of the night. I take them much too personally.

Tybee Island, v.2

I spent the day at the beach today. It was an absolutely perfect day. Just enough wind blowing to keep it cool. I am starting to get pretty brown, but I have some glaring tan lines. Oh well.. there is nobody in my life at the moment to laugh at them so why worry. ;-)

Things I've noticed when I go to the beach:

EVERYBODY wants to park their loungers by the waterline. And then have to move when the tide starts coming in. (Not me, I always park by the dunes.)

Bikinis should be outlawed, for two reasons. 1) 98% of the women should never be seen in one, its scary; and the 2nd reason is the 2% that look good in them shouldn't be seen in one, its scary.

When I first get there before the crowds come, I can smell the ocean, a combination of saltwater with just a slight fishy twang to it. Its not an unpleasant smell, by any means. As the crowds come in, the smell changes to a mixture of 3000 different sunscreens and cigarette smoke. Not pleasant at all.

The sound of the surf as the tide is coming in is my second favorite sound in the world. (Right behind the sound of a distant thunderstorm.)

If I park by the dunes, nobody bothers me, nobody parks near me. Until the tide comes in. Then everyone drags their loungers into my bubble. (bastards)

Some kids are absolutely free in their joy and are a pleasure to observe.

Guys with six-pack abs really do exist, not just in magazines, not many, but I saw one today.. off in the distance.

On days like this, my 4 hours on the parking meter wasn't nearly enough time.

Email of the Day

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called : Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night .

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex . This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone .

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on

HA HAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAHAHAHAHA