The Carcass

The players: Jake (dog), Maybe (dog), Oreo (cat), Borden (cat)

Setting the scene: Since I am a morning person (at least more so than JC), I get up to make coffee when the obnoxious alarm sounds. Mostly I do it so the alarm won't keep buzzing in my ear since JC requires 3 to 4 snooze sessions before he is able to drag himself out of bed. So, I get up and wander my sleepy way to the kitchen. Laying in the middle of the floor is a wet mass of something. I assumed the cats puked again, and since cat puke makes me want to puke, it is an unwritten understanding between JC and I that HE will be the cat puke cleaner upper, so I make a wide berth around it on my way to the kitchen.

A few minutes later I notice Jake carrying the wet mass around with him. Suppressing the inevitable gag reflex, I inform JC that one of the cats puked and that Jake was playing with it. He, knowing my aversion to such disgusting animal instincts, drags himself from the warmth of the bed to put a stop to it before I start with the fit throwing.

Turns out it wasn't cat puke. Oreo (we know it was Oreo because Borden is too lazy to do it), Oreo killed a mouse. Jake adopted the dead mouse and was carrying it around with him. He wasn't eating it, just carrying it around with him. JC took the mouse away and disposed of it. The receptors in my brain that deal with such traumatic episodes kicked in and I promptly erased all memory of what Jake looked like with a dead wet mouse dangling from his jaws.

But at least it wasn't like this:



I love at the end when he yells, "I HATE YOU!!!" at the raccoon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Actual Morning Conversation

Me (after bringing him coffee, letting the dogs out, cleaning up cat puke and getting dressed): Just out of curiosity, does morning perkiness make you want to kill me?

JC (from somewhere beneath a few blankets and with the pillow covering his face): mmm hmmmmmmm

Me (with a smirk): cool *snicker*

The Grandmunchkin

As many of you possibly, maybe know, I went to Oklahoma to visit the beloveds over Christmas. It was a nice visit, I even got up at 6:00 a.m. on the day after Christmas to go shopping with the ex husband. I think we had more fun than we ever had when we were married (snicker) (and no, not in that way you pervert). But the most fun I had was with the grandmunchkin Brooke (see photo, above). The kid is a firecracker, constantly on the go and curious about EVERYTHING. She's only 6 months old and has more hair that I do. JC and I got her a musical dance tower thingy for Christmas which has turned out to be her favorite gift apparently but I think its mostly because she can see that the bear has something in his hands and she is determined to get it from him. The presence of the camera is an obvious distraction for her, she was always trying to eat it when she came within eating proximity of it as evidenced by this photo:



I have a video of her eating the camera but the tv in the background has someone talking about masturbation and calling people faggots. Educational television, what can I say.

But her absolute cuteness can only be seen in a video:



This picture is the one I've had the most fun with. Those big blue eyes of her crack me right the fuck up (yes I said fuck in the presence of my grandbaby's photos - so???):








I think I have too much time on my hands. hehe

Catnip

We have a cat, Borden. He's big, white, fluffy, timid and lazy. And he flat refuses to play, period. He will occasionally put away his dignity long enough to take a short nap in your lap, but then he is gone to hide again, only to be next seen around breakfast time.

But I have discovered his one weakness. Catnip.

JC had tucked away a package of loose catnip. Borden saw that in my hand and came running, so I took out a bit and gave it to him. He promptly ate it. I gave him a bit more. He ate most of it and rolled on the rest... a bit more and he wallowed in it like a pig in a mudhole.

He then began to play, batting at Oreo, the other cat. Bat bat bat... right across the face. He stared defiantly at Oreo, daring him to do anything about it. I had given Oreo catnip as well, and it made him somewhat playful, but he wasn't used to seeing Borden in this state of mind so he was more befuddled at Borden's sudden transformation than anything else. He kept stealing quick glances at him but knew better than to stare back, as Borden had badass written all over him. JC walked by and Borden attempted to attack his ankles. I just sat back and laffed at the indignity that Borden had suddenly embraced.

The catnip WILL be coming out again today, that is just too entertaining to pass up.

Bathroom Encounters

Setting the scene: Emergency stop at McDonalds to use the facility after drinking a very large diet Coke on the way to Frederick, Maryland (JC wanted to eat at Checkers but when ya gotta go ya gotta go). Whilst in the facilities, the following conversation took place between an elderly red headed female and myself while I washed my hands:

Her: BURP BELCH BRRRRRRP

Me: Not paying attention really.

Her: "Oh, excuse me." Brrrrrrp

Me: Small smile but continuing about my business.

Her: "I have not been well."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Her: "I died twice."

Me: "Oh my."

Her: "They brought me back."

Me: "I see this."

Her: "I'm relearning to walk."

Me: "You're doing good."

Her: "I'm not well."

Then she walked out of the restroom, leaving me standing there fighting off a fit of the giggles.

The giggles started when I got back into the car.

The End.

I Come Before Thy Throne of Graaaaace....

And throw myself upon my faaaaace. I know that I am but a woooorm.... so step on me God and watch me squirrrrrm.

I don't feel well. In fact I feel awful. I came back from Oklahoma sick. Sick enough that I have stayed in bed since I got home and JC is waiting on me like a nurse tending to someone in their last moments of life. Apologies to the people sitting next to me on the plane. You're next.

What's weird about it all is that church hymns have been stuck in my head for the last two days. I keep humming and singing them. I'm either 1) delirious; or 2) near death.

Jeeeeeeeesus hold my hand I neeeeed thee every hour. Through this pilgrim laaaand protect me by they power... heeeaaaar my feeble pleaaaaa ohhh Lorrrrd look down on meeeee. When I kneel in prayer I hope to meet you there blessed Jeeeeesus hold my hannnnnnd......

*cough cough sniff*

Actually....

I forgot that I can schedule posts, so I think I shall schedule this one to occur sometime in the next few days. It will be a surprise to all of us.

I've been through some serious shit lately. Things haven't worked out exactly as I wanted or expected, but I can make a choice of letting it turn me into a bitter old hag, or I can shake it off and move on. I choose to shake it off. I refuse to let anyone or anything destroy who I am at my core.

I've been thinking a lot of about Happiness vs. Contentment. To me, happiness is fleeting. It is a new television, a new puppy, a new relationship. THINGS make us happy but the happiness only lasts until something knocks us off of our happy pedestal, such as a broken remote, a pee puddle or infidelity. Contentment, however, comes from within. I choose to be content with my life because the alternative is too difficult to deal with on a day to day basis. I can be happy in the morning and be pissed off in the afternoon, but none of that will affect my basic contentment with who I am and how I choose to live my life. Basic contentment gets me through a lot of bad times. Can fleeting happiness do that? I wouldn't think so, but that is just my opinion.

Who knows, maybe I am just confusing contentment with blind oblivion. Whatever it takes to get me through the day. I choose to be content. I choose to be comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what has been done around me.

Merry Christmas

As is probably fairly obvious from my last post, things haven't been very happy here in Happy Land, but are settling down again (I think). I haven't blogged because it would have been very depressing for the two of you who read this, so I have made a deliberate attempt to spare you.

HOWEVER....

I found this and have been having a good time making this animation for your viewing pleasure.



I am flying off into the sunset tomorrow evening, going to spend Christmas with my family and my darling grandmunchkin Brookelet.



If you've hung out with me for any length of time, you probably know the drill. Parents house, dial up internet (ewww spit phhtooey), and the fact that they know nothing about this blog and I prefer to keep it that way, and the fact that I am NEVER NEVER alone when I am there, and the fact that I totally intend to spend every waking moment with that adorable face... that means more than likely no posts until after Sunday when I fly back to Happy Land.

So... Merry Christmas to everyone. I wish nothing but contentment to both of you. ;-)

Insight

Insight is something you gain when you have lived (or are living) through something awful. Insight makes you look back on your actions and think.. ah yes, that is where I went wrong. Insight builds wisdom, but can also build bitterness if not handled correctly.

Life never turns out the way you expect it to. There are no happy endings. How's that for insight?

Word Of The Day

Douchenozzle

hahahahahahaaahahahaaa

Oh.My.God that made me giggle.

Yesterday I was called Slut Bucket in an email. I liked that one too.

HAHAHA

Whew - early morning giggles are the best.

Ah The Domestic Life

I am slowly settling in to my domestic routine. I would say that it could soon become a rut, but I'm enjoying it immensely. Having lived on my own for the last 10 years it is nice to have a boy around the house to kill things for me and clean up the gross stuff (with 2 cats and 2 dogs, there is a plethora of gross stuff).

Last night I was sitting quietly, minding my own business, when I heard bangs in the kitchen. Well, me being me, and being conditioned to ignore anything that doesn't catch the place on fire, and with 2 cats and 2 dogs random bangs are the norm - I ignored it. A few minutes later I notice Oreo (the cat) out of the corner of my eye playing with something. I assumed he had discovered a long lost toy and continued minding my own business. Until that toy seemed to be awfully energetic. Still, even through that, the thought crossed my mind that JC owned a cat toy that moved a lot, and still minded my own business and watched Intervention (YO JESS!). Anyhoo.... the energetic cat toy finally caught my full attention when it leaped about 2 feet in the air with Oreo fast behind it. My attention was diverted from the train wreck I was watching on the television to the rodent tragedy about to unfold in my living room. I casually mentioned to JC that Oreo had discovered a mouse. His response was, "Oh yeah?" He was more interested in what he was working on as well.

I watched as Oreo chased the mouse in to where JC sat at his computer. I then lost sight of the action so I continued to watch the addicted on the television. It was then that I heard JC cheering Oreo on.. "CATCH IT OREO!"

Oreo caught it.

JC then casually wandered through the living room, carrying a cat, who was carrying a mouse in his mouth. Oreo had a smug expression on his face, JC was telling Oreo what a good kitty he was as he tossed him out the back door to play with his new friend.

At that moment I loved having cats in the house.

Until I stepped on a coughed up hairball whilst I walked through the dark house.

It was an action packed night.

The End

I'm Famous!

My blog has been linked in an Iowa Newspaper about controversial toys. I did that post two years ago and it has taken this long for anyone to notice, but I'll take what I can get.

The only question I have now is - Aren't there only about 8 people living in Iowa?

In any case, its about time I get the recognition I deserve. hehe

Midnight Conversations

Setting the scene: Me... snoozing. JC, watching tv.

JC: I see how it is, you don't even kiss me goodnight anymore.

Me: If you want a kiss you are perfectly welcome to give me one.

JC: No, no, I see how things are now. Its okay.

Me: Let's think about this for a minute, shall we?

JC: WAIT! (sitting up in the bed)

Me: What??

JC: Trying to remember where I put the fire extinguisher.

Me: (just confused)

JC: Or water.. water will work.

Me: (still confused)

JC: You thinking will probably cause a fire.

Me: (punching him in the arm)

JC: Yeah a glass of water will probably work.

Me: (getting annoyed)

JC: Of course it will be a SMALL fire.

Me: (attempting to push him out of the bed but overcome with a fit of the giggles)

I get no respect around here.

Intervention

JC is in need of an intervention.

He has a problem that I cannot grasp, one that I cannot seem to figure a way around. I told him this morning it is becoming a problem and he just looked at me as if I were insane.

Something must be done.

The man is addicted... yes ADDICTED.. to the snooze button on his alarm. He has two alarms set and both are within reaching distance for him. He hits the snooze button on both over and over until I finally go in there and ask him politely to stop hitting the snooze buttons and get up like normal people do.

I wonder if there are any snooze button rehab centers near here.

And They're Off!

What an exciting day at the job interview race!

First up is government contractor, second slot is taken up by law firm receptionist, and third in the race is masting/rigging company assistant.

Racing fans the world over are on the edge of their seats to see who will win this one -

Government contractor is in the lead... this one started off with a few disadvantages, such as a finance position which to most newbies sounds like an incredibly boring job but if the price is right then boredom can definitely be tolerated and this entry has the most potential to come out on top.

Second up is the law firm receptionist position... which unfortunately was doomed from the get go. Low pay and having to answer the phone all day does not sound like the job to have at the moment, although if the offer is good and it carries good benefits in the saddle then it could overcome its obstacles and come out the winner.

Last up is masting/rigging company assistant. This one has virtually no chance of winning and this announcer has no idea why it is even entered in the race, but one never knows, does one. This announcer has seen entries with worse odds than this one come out in first place.

Updates will be provided as they become available. Place your bets folks, before the starting bell rings.

Yeah Okay.... One More

This is our new President. You can't look at this picture without feeling a rush of pride at how far our country has come. Some say that the color of his skin isn't an issue, and on most points they are correct, but would this have happened 50 years ago? 20 years? Even 10 years ago? I think not.

I was never really an Obama supporter (nor a McCain one, for that matter), but he sure is one photogenic guy.

Here's to holding out high hopes that he can make this country a better place.


P.S.: When I was out and about with the Handsome J.C. last night, I was struck with the realization that I now live only 25 or so miles from the White House. WEIRD.

The Only Thing I Have To Say

Alrighty then. We have the president everyone expected we would have. I have to admit that he is a handsome, charismatic guy. Hopefully that will carry him through the tough times because, to be honest, I'm not sure he has any substance beyond that.

I sincerely hope that things aren't going to be as bad with him as some have predicted.

And just for the record, this post would be exactly the same if McCain had won. Well okay, the handsome part might have been reworded. Politics (and politicians) suck.

OMGWTFLOL

I wouldn't quite say that this is the life of a married woman because 1) I'm not married, and 2) I'm still happy. I will say, however, that living with the Handsome JC is providing a plethora of blog fodder (for the moment). This morning as he was getting ready for work I was lamenting (okay whining) about the fact that I don't have a job to go to and it was driving me crazy to be just sitting here. He stopped, looked at me, and said:

Level your toon in the game.

I don't mention it much here because it sounds so geeky, but he and I play World of Warcraft. I like it, its fun, but he LOVES it. What amazed me about that statement is that he did not ask me to do the dishes, do the laundry, mop the floor, or any of the other thousand things I could be doing around the house. Instead he tells me I should be playing a video game all day.

I think I've died and gone to Christmas morning. They have puppies here.

The Job Search So Far

I have put the hilarious Jess as a reference on a few job applications. She emailed me that she had already gotten a request for a reference, and sent me what she told them:

I have worked closely with Debbie for over two years. She was always eager and willing to help. After her sex change her confidence level went through the roof and she and I spoke of a long term relationship and having a family. We were going to adopt 3 Ethiopian kids and 2 of mixed race.

Of course you know that will get me a job. Confident transgender lesbian with a heart of gold. Who wouldn't hire that??

;-)

Adjustments

I am now settled (me and all my boxes) in the hotbed of sin with the love of my life. Living on a day to day basis with someone is... shall we say..... interesting. I have been here less than a week and have already washed all his dirty underwear and socks. That is something you don't really contemplate, washing someone's underwear and socks. You get a better understanding of that person. Handling someone else's dirty underwear is on a whole different level than is spending the night with them and having them handle their own dirty raiments.

Another thing I wasn't contemplating is the fact that Jake, my trusty guard dog who hates all dog things, has decided that Maybe (JC's dog) is his bestest friend and he keeps sticking his nose in her ears. She handles such irrational behavior with as much grace as a dog can muster, she sits quietly, with her front legs crossed (the dog crosses her front legs, its so stinking cute), and pretends that she is elsewhere, occasionally glancing at me with an expression that asks if he rode in on the short bus. Jake doesn't notice. Jake also likes Oreo the cat, but Oreo hasn't yet decided whether Jake is testing him to see if he tastes like chicken or if he is just being annoyingly friendly. Come to think of it, I haven't figured out which it is either.

Personal stuff. There are lots of personal things that I feel very funny about touching, much less being in the same room with them. I was putting my clothes in the closet last night and found a card to JC from a former wench. Obviously it wouldn't be right for me to read it, so I took it to him for him to decide what to do with it... although I have to confess I wanted to look SOOOOOO FUCKING BAD. But I didn't. He threw it away (good move).

Now I am about to send my resume out to yet more offices, in the hopes that someone will take pity on my plight and hire me. I don't really enjoy the retired life and I need to fund our Ireland trip somehow.

Changes. They can be good, right? RIGHT????

My tummy hurts.