Have You Ever.......

Told a Brit that the only thing Americans know about them is what we learn from Monty Python, and that when we meet them that we're usually unpleasantly surprised to find that they really aren't that funny after all?

You should try it. It pisses em off. hehe

Halloween

In the world of my youth, Halloween was a huge production. We (as in all the neighborhood kids) would plan our costumes down to the tiniest details. I can't remember any of my costumes that I ever wore, but I do remember one of the neighbor boys going as a mummy, drifting gauze and all. As soon as it was dark outside we would be in our costumes and waiting at the door for our friends to show up, so we could go Trick or Treating in the 10 block radius around our houses. Our parents didn't have to come to protect us from the roaming pedophiles, because at that time we were mostly innocent, and trusted our neighbors. We would Trick or Treat until we couldn't take another step or until our bag got too heavy to carry.

We would ask the other kids which houses had the best treats and which ones were too scary to walk up to. I specifically remember one house that had cedar trees across the front of the porch, and the other Trick or Treaters telling us there was a man in a gorilla suit hiding behind the trees. I bypassed that house. I may have been a greedy kid, but I was definitely not stupid. The kids would warn each other.. Don't go to THAT house, she's giving out popcorn balls! I always went because I liked popcorn balls, and because it was usually a little tiny old lady who was having as much fun handing them out as we were having roaming the neighborhood.

Today the kids have no idea what they are missing. The innocence is gone. The kids are afraid to go Trick or Treating, and the sad thing is, they have reason to be.

Oops

I just spent the last hour on the phone with the WRS, and now I'm late for work and now I can't post anything fun and earth shatteringly interesting and now I must go to work with all the frustrated creativity flowing through my veins and now I won't be able to concentrate on the important work that I must do when I get to the office and now society as I know it will collapse in a dirty heap of disappointment.

Its all the WRS's fault.

Homework Cheats

Since yesterday I have gotten about 5 search hits (all from the UK) for "what's the name of the sister of the wicked witch who gets squished by a house" or "what's the name of the wicked witch who gets squished by a house in Wizard of Oz." Obviously this is some kind of weird assignment and I am all about helping, so I will help you guys out.

Elphaba Thropp is the name of the wicked witch. I can't remember her sister's name and I have loaned the book to someone, but I'm sure you can find a synopsis online. The book is called "Wicked." (Come on, you don't expect me to do ALL the work for you, do you??)

OH FINE. Look in Wikopedia. I have done ALL the work for you, you slackers.

This reminds me. I need to ask for that book back. She's had it for months.

I Have Made a Discovery

I was given the Monty Python's Flying Circus DVDs for my birthday. But you know that because I already told you.

The discovery is this:

The name Harry Potter is not original. (Cue dramatic musical exclamation point here.) Actually, the original Harry Potter was known as Harold Potter. He was turned into a Scotsman by a tennis obsessed blancmange.

Hey don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger. I must tell it as I see it.

Now, for your viewing pleasure....... Hell's Grannies

Have You Ever Wondered......

Why, in movies, in shootouts where the people are wearing bullet vests, the ignorant shooters still shoot at them in the chest or back, when a clean headshot or even a shot in the kneecap would obviously get the job done?

Examples:

Mrs & Mrs. Smith
Superman Returns

Yes I know. I need a life.

Offend the Masses

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 350,000 Mexicans have died and over a million have been reported injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to assist the country. Europe is sending food and money.

Texas is sending 350,000 replacement Mexicans.

Pumpkin Collection (continued)

hehe

Happy Birthday to Me

Tomorrow is my birthday. The only ones who remember it these days are the people at work. (Sad but true, when you reach my age nobody feels the need to acknowledge it anymore I suppose.)

But today, the office furnished donuts for my birthday (mmmmmmmm donutssss), my boss gave me presents (DVDs of Monty Python & The Flying Circus, a $50 gift card, and the most awesomest pirate birthday card, hehe), and then they all took me to lunch at an Indian/Tibetan restaurant. My mouth still burns.

Birthdays aren't so bad.

;-)

Another one for the pumpkin collection.

Games

Shhhhhhhhhhh

These are time waster games for when you are at work. I won't tell your boss that you know about them, if you don't tell my boss that I told you about them.

The first is a parking game. You have to try to park the car, and it is harder than it looks.



The second one is a helicopter game, also addictive and harder than it looks (as you can see from the screen rip, I caught it just as I was about to run into a wall).



These games sugar free, low fat and no carbs, so play them as much as you want without the guilt.

A Social Commentary

I found this article completely offensive to 600 pound dead people.

A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on.

Fire officials said the six-hundred pound man was in being cremated when his body fluids were too much for the oven.

The body fluids seeped out onto the floor and ignited causing a fire at the Garner Funeral Home in Salt Lake City. "Those fluids can be very flammable," said Scott Freitag of the Salt Lake City fire department. "Sort of like a grease fire."

An employee used an extinguisher to put out the fire.

The room is self-contained and has its own drainage system. "There really is no risk or a hazard of it getting into the sewer system, the water system or into the general public," said Freitag.

Firefighters rarely see these kind of fires. But they say a six-hundred-pound body can create problems during a cremation. "It really does condense or breaks down that fat into a greasy product, just like a grease fire," said Freitag. "Only a little bit can cause a flame to go up."

The crematorium is back in business and the funeral director said they'll notify the family to assure them their loved one wasn't harmed.

• First of all, to describe a family member's cremation as "a grease fire," is offensive.
• Second of all, how can they notify the family that their loved one wasn't harmed, when obviously he was being cremated. The harm came from calling the guy a grease fire.
• Thirdly, to assume the fire was a byproduct of the guy's girth is offensive. It could possibly have been because he had drank a gallon of gasoline before his death.
• And finally, to add the line "A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on" is totally offensive, implying that the guy turned himself into a grease fire on purpose. I'm pretty sure he was a complete accidental grease fire.

The offensive article is found here. I am going to make it my life's goal to point out (make fun of) any article that can be deemed as offensive.

My powers must be used for the good of mankind. (Snicker)

Urban Legends

I was looking up Urban Legends, just for shits & grins, and came across a few that were interesting. I am listing some of them here. Your job is to tell me which ones are true and which ones are false. 37,583 points to the person who gets the most right. :-)

1. Disgruntled worker decides to lace the office coffee with "biological substance" (pee). TRUE, and ewww.

2. Goat murders owner who regularly abused him.
TRUE, and yes, the goat was given a pardon.

3. 21 people died in a tidal wave of molasses. TRUE.

4. Man commits suicide with a deck of playing cards. TRUE, and very clever.

5. 9 people died in a tidal wave of beer. TRUE.

6. There are recorded incidents of people "dying laughing."
TRUE. I could think of worse ways to go.

7. Man cuts off head of his wife's lover and gives it to her as a gift for the birth of her baby. TRUE.

8. "Hanging Man" in local funhouse turns out to be the corpse of a real person. TRUE.

9. Lightening strikes have killed people who were talking on the phone. TRUE, and ouch.

10. A golfer dies after chewing on his tee. TRUE,and what a dumbass.

Nihilistic said something about going to Snopes, which is where I got all of these from, but since he didn't (or didn't tell us if he did), the points go to....... ODAT...... who got 7 of the 10 right.

yayyyyy Odat. ;-)

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

That could almost be my theme song, except I have sniffed a stink bug.

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Me But Were Afraid to Ask

I am getting to the point that I think these meme things are a bit silly, but I liked this one and "borrowed" it from another blog before anyone got a chance to tag me with it. I freely confess to using this as filler content to keep from having to come up with anything original. So sue me.

Nine-Layer Cake
A meme to peel aways the layers of you.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Deb ;-)
-- Birth date: October 28, 1962
-- Birthplace: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
-- Current Location: Savannah, Georgia
-- Eye Color: Very dark brown, nearly black
-- Hair Color: Brown (and that's all I'm saying about that)
-- Height: 5'6"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Newfoundlander & Native American (I'm a white newfie squaw chick)
-- The shoes you wore today: Burgandy mules.
-- Your weakness: Ponytails, killer sarcasm & Scottish accents.
-- Your fears: That my daughter will never be okay.
-- Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni with extra cheese and extra sauce.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Immediate goal: To become certified paralegal; Long term goal: To live in another country, just for fun.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: I don't use AIM anymore.
-- Your first waking thoughts: OMG I'm late!
-- Your best physical feature: I have nice fingernails.
-- Your most missed memory: I think I'll skip this one for now, thanks.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Jolt Cola
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds. I am hooked on the Monopoly game.
-- Single or group dates: Single.
-- Adidas or Nike: Whatever is on sale.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither.. Red Rose.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: mmmmmmmmmm chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Both.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Not for a year.
-- Cuss: As often as fucking possible.
-- Sing: I will hum "It's a Small World" at work just to annoy my office partner.
-- Take a shower everyday: I never take showers, but I love baths and take 1 or 2 a day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes.
-- Want to go to college: Maybe, but who knows.
-- Liked high school: It was okay. I was too busy being responsible and shit to have much fun.
-- Want to get married: Been there done that, wrote the book. No way will I do it again.
-- Believe in yourself: If I don't, who will.
-- Get motion sickness: Umm, yeah, I'm a big baby that way.
-- Think you're attractive: I don't frighten small children or dogs.
-- Think you're a health freak: Definitely not. I think about doing better though.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes, most of the time.
-- Like thunderstorms: Almost my favorite thing.
-- Play an instrument: I play a mean set of spoons.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: No (Tylenol PM, but I don't think that counts)
-- Made Out: Not since Scotland. :-(
-- Gone on a date: No.
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No
-- Eaten sushi: ewwww NO
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: No(ish)
-- Gone skating: No.
-- Made homemade cookies: Yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: I am in definite need of a dye job.. maybe tomorrow.
-- Stolen Anything: No

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
-- Been caught "doing something": I've done lots of things, been caught at some of them, gotten away with some of them. This question needs to be more specific, such as: Been caught having sex behind the bushes at the local tourist trap cemetery? I would have to answer no to that one too, because we were never caught. ;-)
-- Been called a tease: Yes
-- Gotten beaten up: No... who would want to beat me up? I'm much too cute.
-- Shoplifted: No
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No. Love me or leave me the fuck alone.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you are hoping to be married: No way.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: There are two.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Okay, I'm falling off a cliff to certain death, and next to me in the fall is Brad Pitt and an Elvis impersonator minister, Brad and I get married just so we don't have to die single. Plus it made Elvis happy to be of use in the last few moments of his life.
-- How do you want to die: Falling off a cliff with Brad Pitt & and Elvis impersonator minister.
-- Where you want to go to college: Come on, college is for kids.. University is for the academic snobbery. One day, when I'm retired and bored, I will go to university.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Comfortable in my own skin
-- What country would you most like to visit: Italy is next on my list to visit, but I would love to go back to Scotland to explore for a while longer.

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: None.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: My parents, my son, the WRS.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Not that many.
-- Number of piercings: None
-- Number of tattoos: None. Vibrating needles are scary things.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Ummm.. I was framed I tell ya!
-- Number of scars on my body: Two - one where I ripped my arm open trying to catch a frog (shaddup, I was 12), and one on my forehead where I had stitches when I was 3. That one has turned into a wrinkle. I call it my character wrinkle.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: There are a few, some minor, some major. I would imagine that you will eventually find them all out as long as I continue to blog.

There ya have it. My last meme (until the next one). I refuse to be sucked into the tagging thing, so I won't tag anyone specific. If you want to do this one, go for it. If not, you will have bad luck for 13 years and you will sprout hideous tentacle-like zits on your forehead.

Or not.

HA HAHAHAHAAAAA

This is the funniest headline I have seen in a long time:

"GOP challenger denies calling Hillary Clinton ugly"

Who cares about the actual story, but I will link it just to be fair. The story will never ever be able to measure up to the promise of the headline.

I'm still snickering over it.

;-)

Email of the Day

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

Oops. hehe

Offend the Masses

Since I have made it my life's goal to make sure everyone, at some point, gets offended on Sundays, I have decided to target specific demographic areas for mass offensiveness. Today is married couples.

I received this letter in my email:

Dear D:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.

Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Sincerely,

your bud

And........

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

There. I have done my Sunday best to offend. Enjoy.

Tonight

I have the above bottle of Riesling (Product of Germany). German wine.. sounds tasty, does it not? I believe I will imbibe and celebrate the birthdays of a couple of people who are no longer in my life, but who I think of often. One is today and the other is tomorrow, and since its the weekend I have no reason not to. First, I will go and put clean sheets on my bed along with a pile of blankets since it is starting to get cooler at night, and then rehang my curtains where they fell (dunno why), walk the dog, and put on the scariest movie I own and watch it and enjoy the wine.

Sounds like a bittersweet plan.

Happy Birthday you two, wherever you are.

I Have Been Tagged (Again)

Odat has tagged me for another meme thing. (What are the origins for the word "meme?") It sounds like a mysterious disease....

Oh my god she's got the Meme!!! Run for your lives!

Anyway, I will do my best to answer, although it is a bit too serious for my taste.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Have a house in Glasgow;
2. Pay off my rat trap car;
3. Pay off my parent's house;
4. Buy my daughter a house and ship all her crap that is stored in my dining area to her;
5. Buy a new sofa.

Five bad habits:
1. I live on junk food;
2. I can't go to sleep without a movie playing;
3. When I like someone I tend to think they can do no wrong;
4. When I dislike someone I tend to think they are responsible for all the world's woes;
5. I don't get nearly enough exercise.

Five things I hate doing:
1. Folding and putting away laundry;
2. Scheduling depositions;
3. Carrying out the trash;
4. Eating cauliflower;
5. Plucking my eyebrows.

Five things I would never do:
1. Go bungee jumping;
2. Get a tattoo;
3. Pierce a nipple (OMG OUCH);
4. Get back together with my ex husband;
5. Buy a Kia.

Five things I regret doing:
1. Moving to Savannah;
2. Giving away my cat;
3. Giving up painting;
4. Trying Wasabi;
5. Smoking.

Five favorite things:
1. Blogging;
2. Jake (my dog);
3. Scotland;
4. A fire in the fireplace on a cold night;
5. Talk Like A Pirate Day.

There. Done. I am going to tag EVERYONE. If you read this list, consider yourself tagged. Answer if you like, don't answer if you don't wanna. ;-)