Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Breaking News

No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder
August 9, 2006 | Issue 42•32


BROOKLYN, NY—The New York Police Department released a statement today confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local asshole Don Hewson, 34, and to avoid pursuing leads as long as possible. "Mr. Hewson was found with multiple stab and gunshot wounds in his smug fucking face and puffed-up chest, and while we recovered a number of weapons, we are neither testing them for prints nor tracing any serial numbers," Detective Travis Calloway said. "Nor will we follow up on the explicit eye-witness descriptions of the car seen leaving the scene, the calls to Hewson's phone, or interview the scores of people who had good reason to want this guy dead. There may have been a murder here, but we're having a hard time identifying any actual crime." Calloway said anyone calling NYPD's crime hotline with information on the murder would be eligible for fines of up to $10,000.



HAHAHAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA

(Wiping tears long enough to tell you that this is courtesy of The Onion.)

2 comments:

Odat said...

phew.....i'm off the hook???

irv said...

I love the onion! (thanks to you)

I once mused that if I took up a collection of five dollars from each of (my worst) ex-boyfriend's ex'es, said proceeds would easily pay for a clean, professional hit. If, as an assurance, we also chose to include a 'suicide' note chronicling his boastful misdeeds, the case would never be pursued...

i sent him a severed cow's head instead. dry-ice shipping is so expensive nowadays!....

On to hamlet, act three (god forgive me)....