Friday, October 13, 2006

OK. I'm Better Now.


And to prove it, in the spirit of lighthearted fun, I am posting the following jokes. In no way should these be taken as men bashing, because I have in the past posted picking on women jokes.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, A2: three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You're not holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women ... ? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email? A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manual".

Oh shut up. You know you laughed.

11 comments:

Odat said...

I like the sperm one!!! LMAO
Peace

mist1 said...

Okay, I laughed.

Nihilistic said...

My favorite is the Whistle on the toilet one...

curmudgeon said...

Okay, on that note:

Q- How many men does it take to open a beer?
A- It should already be open when she brings it to you.

Q- Why are the refrigerator and stove white?
A- So they will match the diswasher's wedding dress.

Q- How many PMS'ing women does it take to change a light bulb?
A- ONE. ONLY ONE!! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT ONLY TAKES ONE? BECAUSE I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!!!
BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IN THIS HOUSE KNOWS HOW TO CHANGE A DAMN LIGHT BULB!!!
YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW THE BULB IS BURNED OUT. YOU JUST DON'T CARE!!!
YOU WOULD RATHER SIT IN THIS GAWDFORSAKEN HOUSE IN THE DARK FOR DAYS THAN FIGURED IT OUT!!!
AND ONCE YOU FIGURE IT OUT YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIND THE DAMN LIGHT BULB EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE BEEN IN THAT SAME STUPID CUPBOARD FOR THE PAST UMPTEEN YEARS!!!
BUT IF YOU DID, BY SOME CHANCE, SOME MIRACLE, ACTUALLY FIND THE LIGHT BULBS, A WEEK LATER THE CHAIR THAT YOU DRAGGED FROM TWO ROOMS OVER TO STAND ON TO CHANGE THE STUPID LIGHT BULB WOULD STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE GAWDDAMN LIGHT BULB CAME IN!!! WHY?!!! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE BUT ME EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Just D said...

I'm torn between the ex husband one and the whistling one. But then if I kill my ex husband I will have nobody to make fun of here.

Curmudgeon that PMS one had me cracking up at work. Good job. lol

Maricopa Mark said...

My favorite:

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. She can cook in the dark. [mild version since it's not my webs pace]

Just D said...

Yes Mark, we're all about politeness and being as inoffensive as possible around here. Remember that bitch.

Matt said...

i liked the last one. reminded me of how i "hacked" into both of my ex-girlfriend's email accounts....

"The wedding is off!" she told one of her friends. then some interesting stuff about the new lesbian bar being the new "hangout."

Hmmm, you think you know someone.

the toilet paper thing would make a great gag gift.....

Just D said...

I had that hacking thing done to me before. Its annoying as shit, and now the guy is whining because I sometimes read his blog. I don't think the two things compare at all.

lol

heartinsanfrancisco said...

These are great! I can't wait for my husband to wake up so I can read them all to him.

And no, reading a blog, which is in the public domain, is not at all the same thing as reading someone's Private e-mail folder.

Doe said...

I laughed!
Here’s one for you:
Men are like...blenders; you think you’d need One, but you're not quite sure why.