To: All Employees
Date: July 20, 2006
Re: Foul Language
It has been brought to our attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended (and you know who you are), this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated. I know you all love a challenge so I don't think this will be a problem.