1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
5. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
6. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
7. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
8. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
9. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
10. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.