Conversations with my Kid

The following is an actual conversation I recently had with my son*. 


The most awesome son ever:  Hey, you should ask Lulu (not her real name) to ask Wayne Coyne if I can take him to lunch. Maybe it will help that I'm in college now?

Me:  Would probably be more helpful if you had actual cash to take him to lunch with?

Awesome son:  I can spare some money for WAYNE COYNE. Gosh..

Me:  lol   You're so cool.

Awesome son again:  Seriously though.


*  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Oh. My. Gawd - Thank the Good Lord

I just read this article - Filming of Jon & Kate kids halted.

I swear to god I have never been so sick of stupid TV drama since the days of Anna Nicole.  Through all of their bullshit I have thought often of those kids, what they are being told, etc.  They have lived their entire lives in front of a camera with parents who's only talents seem to be the ability to massively procreate.  Their dad stepping in and putting a stop to it is finally the right thing to do, even if he did time it badly to the point of making it look like it is just sour grapes, since he was basically being phased out... although phasing out the father of 8 kids would be a bit of a difficult task.  I guess he put them in their place, didn't he.

I think I like him more than the fame grubbing mother.  Even if her haircut did get Jessica an enormous amount of blog hits.

Maybe they will all go away now.

Karma

It gets ya every time.

JC's son is visiting with us this week.  On Saturday, his mother called him practically yelling at him over the phone.  Apparently he had ran the cell phone bill up, A LOT (when JC asked how much, the number was $800).  What I find so amusing was the expression of delight on JC's face when he heard this, and here is the reason why - When his son's birthday came up in May, we went shopping and got him a prepay cell phone for his birthday, and splurged on a goodly amount of minutes for him.  When JC told his ex wife what he had gotten his son, she seemed all for it, said she would pitch in for minutes, etc.  She then went down and bought a brand spanking new cell phone and put JC's son on her plan....  so the birthday gift that JC had gotten was completely useless.  Needless to say that did not go over well, but JC being JC, decided to just let it go instead of stirring a fuss over it.  We just have this silly phone now that nobody can use.

Fast forward to this past Saturday and his ex wife with an $800 cell phone bill.  I had never seen JC's face light up like that.. not even when we.........  back behind the.............   that made him happy, but the $800 cell phone bill made him delirious. 

I just had to laugh.  Karma can be such a bitch sometimes. 

Sunday Morning

It's fall, the weather is cool.. it is my first fall season in about 11 years.  After living in Savannah which seems to have only two seasons - hot summer and approximately two weeks of cold weather that I suppose counts as winter - I am enjoying ACTUAL FALL WEATHER.  It puts me in the mood to get up on weekends and cook what I cooked this morning.  Banana pancakes with butter pecan syrup.

Yeah baby.  Life is good.   :-)

Pillagin' an' Plundering

Its Talk Like A Pirate Day! As I be havin' spake, this be me favorite holiday o' th' voyage. If someone wants t' start a petition t' make 't a national holiday, I be th' first t' sign. Hopefully I be able t' do several posts today in celebration o' this auspicious tide - that be unless me own swabbieal swashbuckler keeps me too busy t' get t' another post. But first, here be some cartoons from me favorite chicken site:

Sprail th' marnacles, that totally made me giggle.   The Chickens toons can be found at Savage Chickens.  I be indebted to ye Mr. Savage.

I'm a Winner

I just got the good news in an email:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59
 
Dear Selected winner,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash Prize of 
£615,193.00 (Six Hundred and Fifteen Thousand, One Hundred and Ninety Three 
Pounds Sterling in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in the United Kingdom.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our 
computerised email selection system from a database of over 250,000,000 email 
addresses drawn from all the continents of the world which your email was among 
the first seven (7) lucky winners.
To file for claim contact the claims officer via email by providing the 
following information:
 
Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................
 
For due remittance of funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691
 
Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.
 
NOTE: YOUR RESPONSE SHOULD BE SENT TO THE CLAIMS 
OFFICER MR. WILLIAM PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Now I have to decide what to do with my new windfall. First thing first though - I must translate the above letter into pirate for Talk Like A Pirate Day:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59

Dear Selected winner,
This be t' inform ye that ye ben selected fer a cash Prize o'
£615,193.00 (Six Bucketfull o' an' Fifteen Thousand, One Bucketfull o' an' Ninety Three
Pounds Sterlin' in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in th' United Kingdom.
Th' selection process be carried ou' through random selection in our
computerised email selection system from a database o' o'er 250,000,000 email
addresses drawn from all th' continents o' th' world which yer email be among
th' first se'en (7) lucky winners.
T' file fer claim contact th' claims officer via email by providin' th'
followin' information:

Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................

Fer due remittance o' funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691

Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.

NOTE: YER RESPONSE ORTIN' TA BE SENT T' TH' CLAIMS
OFFICER MR. WI BE PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Pirate booty! I won pirate booty! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Woot!

Hey guys! I know ye be on top o' this, but I jus' thought I would remind ye that two, count em TWO, days from now be Talk Like A Pirate Day, a/k/a me most favorite holiday o' th' voyage. I be so excited! A round o' grog fer sea dogs an' land lubbers! Time t' pillage an' plunder! Time t' act like th' wench I be!

Arrr. I feel better now, but look ou', thar be more like this on th' way.

Help Meeeeeeeeee!

Okay, maybe out of the two of you that read this, you will know why (oh why) my uploaded pictures are coming out so FREAKING GIGANTIC in blog posts such as the one below this one.  I've tried everything, even renaming them and reuploading them.  Nothing fixes it.

Its driving me crazy.  Yes I'm whining.  Help?

Zombie Fun

I am in a time pinch here..  JC will be home from work in approximately two hours, and I must make it look like I have not been a completely useless slouch for most of the day, but I thought I'd do a blog post on these must have zombie items, for your viewing pleasure. 

1)  The Dismember Me Plush Zombie

Every child should have one of these, to prepare them for the eventual zombie onslaught. If they know which parts remove easiest, they will have a head start (get it.. head??) on all their friends and they may survive the invasion with most of their body parts intact.

2) The Poseable R/C Zombie

 

Fun for the entire family. What better way to play with your cats. I can see it now, wake the cats up from their blissful nap with a walking, groaning brain eater. It would entertain me them for hours.








3)  For you literary types (Brian J.), Pride & Prejudice and Zombies

I personally have not perused this literary classic, but I have now added it to my reading list, if for nothing else than to expand my horizons, heighten my sense of elegance and maybe, just maybe, there will be hints on how to survive the upcoming zombie invasion.








4)  And finally, I have saved the best for last - the Crawling Zombie Torso Gelatin Mold

How else do you expect your loved ones to harden themselves to the eventual zombie invasion?  Life-like Jello molds always do the trick!  Although the informative description on the website is quite entertaining, this is serious business people!  Zombies are coming.. in fact I think some of them have arrived (think ex husbands and/or boyfriends).  Be prepared, is what I like to say.

There you have it, my contribution to society for today.  Now I'm off to make this place impeccably clean for when we are on lockdown to save ourselves from the zombie horde.

Thank you for your attention.  This has been a public service announcement.

P.S.:  For some reason Blogger is making my visual enhancements totally huge, but I can't be arsed to fix it right now, so oh well.  ***UPDATE - FIXED, YAYYY****

Holy Crap

Talk about causing childhood flashbacks.  I think I still love this song.. even though I was only 8 or 9 when this came out.  



I love my XM radio.. just an FYI.

My Desktop

This is my computer desktop. I was looking at it, studying its symmetry and depth. In awe of its beauty, and mostly just reading the Calvin & Hobbs cartoons that I just installed as a desktop gadget. I just had to share the joy.  (You are going to have to click on the pictures for the full color glory.)

View of my desktop:

A clear view of where exactly my Calvin Hobbs desktop gadget thingy resides:

Annnnd.. it flies out and I get a C & H cartoon. Its like magic!

This could keep me entertained for hours.

Yankee Goat

So, I spent the better part of an hour on the telephone with a girl with a fake American accent in the Philippines, attempting to get my brand spanking new, shiny radio up and going. (Remember the days when all ya had to do was turn it on and go?)

The conversation was amusing on several levels. One, when I gave them my radio number, it had the letters YG in the string. When she repeated the numbers back to me, she said, "Y as in Yankee, G as in Goat." I think I was insulted, but I can't be sure. I had to suppress the giggles at that point. She then went on to ask for our mailing address, which I gave to her... she confirmed that was correct, it is, indeed, my address. (Tears were starting to flow over that one.)

At the end of the conversation after everything was said and done, she tried to sell me an XM Satellite radio. But.... but.... I have one. The fact that I was attempting to have it activated, and had a radio number (Yankee Goat) to give her, that might have been a small, tiniest bit of a clue that I actually had a radio already.

It would have been almost worth it to buy another radio to see what sort of insult she could have squeezed out of the new radio numbers. hehe

No Commercials?

JC has given me an XM Satellite Radio for my birthday. My birthday is two months away, but he already ordered it and the subscription started, so he gave it to me early. I don't know much about satellite radio besides what I've seen when we ride in his car, but I love the comedy channels. Blasting classical music is going to take on a whole new meaning now (although he has informed me that he would appreciate it if I turn it off when he gets home, the putz).

The radio has a hookup for my car and a docking station for the house, so I am set wherever I happen to be.

Are there commercials on satellite radio or is the no commercial thing just a myth?

Oh.. by the way....

There was one very good result of my stint at Target - I was constantly on the run, barely time for lunches - and I have now amazed JC with my level of physical flexibility. BWAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

The 80s

I have always had a fondness for old 80s music.. does that make me a freak? (Shaddup Jess). Since I now have a semblance of free time on my hands I was surfing You Tube for old 80s songs and enjoying myself in a major way. I know you are dying for me to share, so here we go.. some of my favorite 80s songs, for your listening pleasure (in no particular order of favoritism).

(This was before the days of George Michael's "potty breaks.")




It was a toss up between this song and Little Red Corvette, but the Prince picture on this one was cooler than the one for Little Red Corvette, so it won the toss.


Rick Springfield.. ahhh the fantasies. hehe




And, of course, we cannot have a favorite 80s list without AC/DC.


That's it for now. I am having fun listening to this old music though, so there will likely be more in the near future. :)

YAHOOOOOO

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST - Thank God Almighty I'm Free At Last!

JC has given me his blessing to leave the employ of that awful, awful discount department store. Working there has been a nightmare, with girl drama, drunken debauchery, long hours and low pay and various (albeit entertaining) scenarios, but which make the working atmosphere difficult to tolerate. No more "Morning Huddles," where the manager gathers all the opening employees together to tell them how much profit was made the day before (but still we get low pay). No more being told one thing by your trainer, only to find out when you are written up for something that the trainer gave you the wrong information. No more being excluded from possible promotions because you had been written up (for the bad info the trainer gave you). No more "guests" ranting to you about how they are uncomfortable buying a princess costume for their little toddler girl, because they are raising her to understand the power of women and that rescue from Prince Charming is not the reality of an empowered woman's life. No more middle-aged women asking me to find out if the teeny bopper bikini comes in a size 18. No more befuddled house husbands coming in to shop for a mu mu for their wife and asking to be directed to the mu mu department. No more going to management with a serious issue, only to be told to come back in 30 minutes... at which point they disappear and refuse to answer your phone calls.

No more incompetent team leads humiliating you in front of a crowd because you forgot to put your name tag on. No more being blamed for being unable to find something when it was another team's job to find it and give it to you, but they couldn't be arsed.

OKAY... ahhh I feel so much better now, getting all that off my chest. TARGET TARGET TARGET. hehe

Ooops

My domain expired and lots of my stuff expired along with it since I didn't bother to get it off of there, so as you can see, my blog is graphicless. Renovations are extremely needed, and I will get on that sometime in the near future.

I have come to a major life decision. Retail work is not for me. Now don't get me wrong, the customers of the store are (for the most part) friendly and somewhat entertaining, but the work SUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKS. The store that I work in (which shall remain nameless), takes itself much too seriously, is too lax in its efficiency.. which makes my job a thousand times more difficult and slow, and then I am yelled at because my work is inefficient and slow. I am written up for being just a few minutes late, but them keeping me for hours over my scheduled work time is expected to be appreciated and wanted on my part, with absolutely no gratitude from the store. The only thing I get out of it is yelled at for working over my scheduled hours - which wouldn't happen if the inner workings weren't so fucked up. As they say, shit rolls downhill, and I'm at the bottom of the hill.

I work with a know it all, pasty white bitch from hell. I can't tell you how many times people have expressed surprise that I am still working there, considering who I have to work with. Less than 2 weeks after I started I heard from two separate people that some of the people in the store were running a pool, with me as the topic. The bet was how long I would stay - again - considering who I am forced to work with. I had one guy come up to me a few weeks ago and express his surprise that I hadn't slit my wrists yet (considering who I work with). It is so very sad, yet somehow entertaining to me to watch how this absolutely despised person gets by on the job. My best strategy is to stay as far away from her as possible.

I don't think that is going to work forever, but I can sure as fuck try.

AND... She's Back.......

Sadly, my attention has been drawn away from the blogging world for the last few days (weeks.. okay months). However, I have been getting a tad bit of crap from some old friends for it, so I will suck it up and return to my former blogging gloriousness for their enjoyment. Happy now Jess??

Unfortunately, I have very little time at the moment to fill in the months of missing blog time, as my job as a price change specialist at one of the monster stores (which shall remain unnamed because if I want to blog about what is going on there, I must keep it anonymous... but it starts with a T and has a big red bullseye in its logo.)

I must head off to that horrid place.

ARGH.

See ya soon.. if I don't die from job boredom.

Hamlet (as retold by the Boondoggled staff)

I did this a while back but removed it for a perfectly good reason, I'm sure. I just can't remember what that reason is now, so thought I would put it back just for fun. After this is the street version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. :-) I know you are excited.

Act I
Scene 1

It is midnight and time for changing of the guards. Bernardo and Francisco are waiting for their nightly replacements, Horatio and Marcellus. When Horatio and Marcellus arrive, the four of them begin discussing a ghost that they have seen and are trying to decide if it is for real. Sure enough, here comes the ghost.

Bernardo, Francisco & Marcellus push Horatio forward, telling him, “You are the smart one, YOU go talk to it.” Bernardo says it looks like their dead king. Horatio says it scares him. Finally, Horatio says to the ghost, “Hey you! What are you doing wandering around this time of night and what business do you have going around looking like our dead king??”

Horatio’s friends then accuse him of offending the ghost. (“See it stalks away!) The ghost leaves without speaking to Horatio, so the boys continue discussing whether that was the ghost of their beloved dead King Hamlet, as he appeared to be dressed as he was when he fought against Norway. The ghostly king comes back and they try to fight it. Of course the dead king isn’t interested. He just floats away. They decide to tell Prince Hamlet that they saw his dead daddy.

Scene 2
Claudius, who has taken over as king since King Hamlet’s untimely demise, comes into the room with Queen Gertrude, who he married after her husband, King Hamlet’s, death. Claudius is King Hamlet’s brother, and poisoned King Hamlet by putting poison in his ear, so he could take over the crown. Nobody knows this at this point of course. Laertes is there, as well as Laertes’ father, Polonius. Laertus is asking King Claudius’ permission to go back to France. Claudius then asks if that is okay with Polonius. Polonius says to the king, “Whatever, let him go.”

Claudius and Gertrude then turn their attention to Prince Hamlet, and ask him why he’s still moping. Hamlet says, “Duh, my father just died you idiots.” They say, “Yeah so? It is how nature intended, we live, we die… no need to go moping around like you are, you are depressing us dammit.”

Everyone leaves but Prince Hamlet, who goes on to lament the fact that his own mother couldn’t keep her legs together for a month before she married her own husband’s brother, that strumpet.

In come Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus to tell Prince Hamlet about seeing his father’s ghost. They tell Prince Hamlet that his poor dead father looked sad. Hamlet says he will sit with them that night so he, too, can see his father’s ghost.



Scene 3

Laertus is talking to his sister, Ophelia. He is telling Ophelia that it is all well and good to have a crush on Prince Hamlet, but the prince has too many responsibilities to do her justice. Polonius then walks in and sees Laertus still there. He tells him goodbye again. (Laertus is going back to France, remember?) Polonius then wrangles out of Ophelia what she and her brother were discussing. She tells him about Prince Hamlet attempting to woo her. Polonius tells her that Hamlet is just trying to get into her pants and it best that she stay away from him. Ophelia agreed.

Scene 4
Prince Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus go to the platform where the ghostly king was seen the night before. After a long and seemingly pointless speech on the part of Prince Hamlet, the ghost of Prince Hamlet’s father makes his appearance. He beckons for Hamlet to come to him. Horatio and Marcellus tell him the ghost is probably trying to lure Prince Hamlet to his death. Prince Hamlet is determined to see why the ghost wants him to follow. Horatio and Marcellus grab hold of Prince Hamlet to stop him going, but he goes and follows the ghost anyway. They decide they’d better follow the ghost and Prince Hamlet because “something is rotten in Denmark.”

Scene 5

Prince Hamlet and the ghost are having a conversation. The ghost tells Prince Hamlet that he is the spirit of Prince Hamlet’s father and that he has to go to hell to pay for his crimes, and that if it weren’t forbidden he could tell Prince Hamlet tales that would curl his hair. The ghost then goes on to tell Prince Hamlet that he is to revenge his father’s foul and unnatural murder at the hands of Claudius, who poured poison into his ear. The ghost leaves and Horatio and Marcellus finally locate Hamlet. They talk him into telling them what the ghost said. He tells them that the new king is a villain. They say, “Oh yeah, we already knew that.”

Prince Hamlet then swears them to secrecy.

End of Scene 1.
To Be Continued….

On to Part 2

Hamlet, Part Deux (that is Part 2 for the uncultured swine amongst us)

Act 2
Scene 1

Polonius and Reynaldo are discussing Reynaldo's trip to France to spy on Polonius' son. Reynaldo leaves, and Ophelia comes in all disheveled, saying that Prince Hamlet has just frightened her (his stockings were foul'd, ungarter'd and down-gyved to his ancle, and was not wearing a hat). Polonius asked her if Hamlet was mad for her love (snicker). Ophelia says that Hamlet didn't say a word, just shook her arm and looked pitiful, and she rebuffed him, as her father ordered her.

Polonius assumes that Hamlet is acting strange because of Ophelia rejecting him. He thinks they should go tell the wicked king what is going on with Hamlet.

Scene 2



King Claudius and Queen Gertrude are talking to Prince Hamlet's old buddies, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They are asking them to spend time with Hamlet to try to find out why he has changed so much. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern agree and leave.

In comes Polonius again (he just never seems to go away). Polonius tells Claudius that he knows what is wrong with Hamlet. Claudius then tells Gertrude. Gertrude says to Claudius that Hamlet is just upset because of the death of his father and the fact that she and Claudius married to quickly.

In comes Voltimand and Cornelius from Norway to tell the king that Norway will be paying $3,000 crowns a year in annual fee (yeah yeah whatever get back to what's going on with Prince Hamlet). Voltimand and Cornelius then leave.

Polonius tells King Claudius and Queen Gertrude that Hamlet is crazy. He reads to them a love note that Hamlet has written to Ophelia. He then says that he ordered Ophelia to not speak to Hamlet and that she has obeyed, and that Hamlet has gone crazy because he can't be with Ophelia. They plot to prove the point by having Ophelia meet with Hamlet with everyone spying on them.

Hamlet comes through reading a book. Polonius speaks to Hamlet and Hamlet does, in fact, behave as if he is one fry short of a happy meal. Polonius leaves.

Hamlet's two friends, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern then meet up with him. Hamlets asks his friends what they have done to deserve to be sent to prison, then goes on to say Denmark is a prison. He then guesses correctly that the King and Queen sent for them. After some talking Polonius shows up (again). Hamlet mentions Polonius' daughter in passing to his two friend, and Polonius takes it that Hamlet can speak of nothing else but her (thinks a lot of his kid, he does). Some actors then show up and they all begin playacting a bit. [But who, o who has seen the mobled queen... 'The mobled queen?' That's good, 'mobled queen' is good...] After a bit everyone wanders off and leaves Hamlet alone.

Hamlet kicks himself for being too cowardly to avenge his father's death, but then comes up with a plan to have the actors do a play where the villian kills the hero by pouring poison in his ear, and Hamlet will watch King Claudius' reaction to try to get proof of what he had done to his father.

End of Scene 2
To be Continued


On to Part 3