Hamlet (as retold by the Boondoggled staff)

I did this a while back but removed it for a perfectly good reason, I'm sure. I just can't remember what that reason is now, so thought I would put it back just for fun. After this is the street version of A Midsummer Night's Dream. :-) I know you are excited.

Act I
Scene 1

It is midnight and time for changing of the guards. Bernardo and Francisco are waiting for their nightly replacements, Horatio and Marcellus. When Horatio and Marcellus arrive, the four of them begin discussing a ghost that they have seen and are trying to decide if it is for real. Sure enough, here comes the ghost.

Bernardo, Francisco & Marcellus push Horatio forward, telling him, “You are the smart one, YOU go talk to it.” Bernardo says it looks like their dead king. Horatio says it scares him. Finally, Horatio says to the ghost, “Hey you! What are you doing wandering around this time of night and what business do you have going around looking like our dead king??”

Horatio’s friends then accuse him of offending the ghost. (“See it stalks away!) The ghost leaves without speaking to Horatio, so the boys continue discussing whether that was the ghost of their beloved dead King Hamlet, as he appeared to be dressed as he was when he fought against Norway. The ghostly king comes back and they try to fight it. Of course the dead king isn’t interested. He just floats away. They decide to tell Prince Hamlet that they saw his dead daddy.

Scene 2
Claudius, who has taken over as king since King Hamlet’s untimely demise, comes into the room with Queen Gertrude, who he married after her husband, King Hamlet’s, death. Claudius is King Hamlet’s brother, and poisoned King Hamlet by putting poison in his ear, so he could take over the crown. Nobody knows this at this point of course. Laertes is there, as well as Laertes’ father, Polonius. Laertus is asking King Claudius’ permission to go back to France. Claudius then asks if that is okay with Polonius. Polonius says to the king, “Whatever, let him go.”

Claudius and Gertrude then turn their attention to Prince Hamlet, and ask him why he’s still moping. Hamlet says, “Duh, my father just died you idiots.” They say, “Yeah so? It is how nature intended, we live, we die… no need to go moping around like you are, you are depressing us dammit.”

Everyone leaves but Prince Hamlet, who goes on to lament the fact that his own mother couldn’t keep her legs together for a month before she married her own husband’s brother, that strumpet.

In come Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus to tell Prince Hamlet about seeing his father’s ghost. They tell Prince Hamlet that his poor dead father looked sad. Hamlet says he will sit with them that night so he, too, can see his father’s ghost.



Scene 3

Laertus is talking to his sister, Ophelia. He is telling Ophelia that it is all well and good to have a crush on Prince Hamlet, but the prince has too many responsibilities to do her justice. Polonius then walks in and sees Laertus still there. He tells him goodbye again. (Laertus is going back to France, remember?) Polonius then wrangles out of Ophelia what she and her brother were discussing. She tells him about Prince Hamlet attempting to woo her. Polonius tells her that Hamlet is just trying to get into her pants and it best that she stay away from him. Ophelia agreed.

Scene 4
Prince Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus go to the platform where the ghostly king was seen the night before. After a long and seemingly pointless speech on the part of Prince Hamlet, the ghost of Prince Hamlet’s father makes his appearance. He beckons for Hamlet to come to him. Horatio and Marcellus tell him the ghost is probably trying to lure Prince Hamlet to his death. Prince Hamlet is determined to see why the ghost wants him to follow. Horatio and Marcellus grab hold of Prince Hamlet to stop him going, but he goes and follows the ghost anyway. They decide they’d better follow the ghost and Prince Hamlet because “something is rotten in Denmark.”

Scene 5

Prince Hamlet and the ghost are having a conversation. The ghost tells Prince Hamlet that he is the spirit of Prince Hamlet’s father and that he has to go to hell to pay for his crimes, and that if it weren’t forbidden he could tell Prince Hamlet tales that would curl his hair. The ghost then goes on to tell Prince Hamlet that he is to revenge his father’s foul and unnatural murder at the hands of Claudius, who poured poison into his ear. The ghost leaves and Horatio and Marcellus finally locate Hamlet. They talk him into telling them what the ghost said. He tells them that the new king is a villain. They say, “Oh yeah, we already knew that.”

Prince Hamlet then swears them to secrecy.

End of Scene 1.
To Be Continued….

On to Part 2

Hamlet, Part Deux (that is Part 2 for the uncultured swine amongst us)

Act 2
Scene 1

Polonius and Reynaldo are discussing Reynaldo's trip to France to spy on Polonius' son. Reynaldo leaves, and Ophelia comes in all disheveled, saying that Prince Hamlet has just frightened her (his stockings were foul'd, ungarter'd and down-gyved to his ancle, and was not wearing a hat). Polonius asked her if Hamlet was mad for her love (snicker). Ophelia says that Hamlet didn't say a word, just shook her arm and looked pitiful, and she rebuffed him, as her father ordered her.

Polonius assumes that Hamlet is acting strange because of Ophelia rejecting him. He thinks they should go tell the wicked king what is going on with Hamlet.

Scene 2



King Claudius and Queen Gertrude are talking to Prince Hamlet's old buddies, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They are asking them to spend time with Hamlet to try to find out why he has changed so much. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern agree and leave.

In comes Polonius again (he just never seems to go away). Polonius tells Claudius that he knows what is wrong with Hamlet. Claudius then tells Gertrude. Gertrude says to Claudius that Hamlet is just upset because of the death of his father and the fact that she and Claudius married to quickly.

In comes Voltimand and Cornelius from Norway to tell the king that Norway will be paying $3,000 crowns a year in annual fee (yeah yeah whatever get back to what's going on with Prince Hamlet). Voltimand and Cornelius then leave.

Polonius tells King Claudius and Queen Gertrude that Hamlet is crazy. He reads to them a love note that Hamlet has written to Ophelia. He then says that he ordered Ophelia to not speak to Hamlet and that she has obeyed, and that Hamlet has gone crazy because he can't be with Ophelia. They plot to prove the point by having Ophelia meet with Hamlet with everyone spying on them.

Hamlet comes through reading a book. Polonius speaks to Hamlet and Hamlet does, in fact, behave as if he is one fry short of a happy meal. Polonius leaves.

Hamlet's two friends, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern then meet up with him. Hamlets asks his friends what they have done to deserve to be sent to prison, then goes on to say Denmark is a prison. He then guesses correctly that the King and Queen sent for them. After some talking Polonius shows up (again). Hamlet mentions Polonius' daughter in passing to his two friend, and Polonius takes it that Hamlet can speak of nothing else but her (thinks a lot of his kid, he does). Some actors then show up and they all begin playacting a bit. [But who, o who has seen the mobled queen... 'The mobled queen?' That's good, 'mobled queen' is good...] After a bit everyone wanders off and leaves Hamlet alone.

Hamlet kicks himself for being too cowardly to avenge his father's death, but then comes up with a plan to have the actors do a play where the villian kills the hero by pouring poison in his ear, and Hamlet will watch King Claudius' reaction to try to get proof of what he had done to his father.

End of Scene 2
To be Continued


On to Part 3

Hamlet, Part III (shaddup ya heathens)

Act 3
Scene 1

The King & Queen, Polonius (of course), Ophelia, and Hamlet's two friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are all gathered together in a room in the castle, discussing how best to handle the dilemma of a crazy Prince Hamlet. The Queen is questioning Rosencrantz and Guildenstern about how they thought Hamlet was. They tell her that he seems distracted but not too awfully bad. They tell them that Hamlet has put together a play and was rather happy about it, and that he wants them to come see the play. The King tells Hamlet's two friends to keep encouraging him. They agree and leave. King Claudius then tells Queen Gertrude to leave them as they have sent for Hamlet and are going to spy on him when he speaks to Ophelia. Queen Gertrude tells Ophelia that she hopes that it is just Hamlet being lovesick that is causing his problems. She then leaves. They hear Hamlet coming so King Claudius and Polonius hide in the shadows. Ophelia sits quietly reading a book when Hamlet comes in.

Hamlet begins talking to Ophelia, wondering aloud if it would be better to just die than to have to suffer through life (extremely short version). Ophelia tells Hamlet that she has gifts that he had given her that she musts return. Hamlet denies giving her anything. Ophelia gives him the gifts and tells him that she believed that he loved her. He told her she should never have believed him. Hamlet tells Ophelia that she should never marry. After Hamlet wanders away Ophelia is very upset, saying that things are all the worse now, to have experienced his love only to have it taken away (And I, of ladies most deject and wretched, That suck'd the honey of his music vows). King Claudius and Polonius return. Claudius says that being lovesick is not Hamlet's problem, that there is something more happening. Polonius still insists that Hamlet's problem began with neglected love(the origin and commencement of his grief sprung from neglected love). He just won't let it go will he.

Claudius agrees that Hamlet has gone mad and that he must be watched.

Scene 2

Hamlet is instructing the actors on how best to perform his play. He tells them if they overact he will be very upset, but not to underact either. He tells them to go get ready. Rozencraft, Guildenstern and Polonius come in.

Hamlet asks if the King is coming to see the play. Polonius answers that he is, and the Queen as well. Hamlet yells at the actors to get a move on dammit and asks Rozencraft and Guildestern to go hurry them up.

Hamlet calls for Horatio (the guard that spoke to the ghost king). He tells Horatio what he is planning for the play, and says that when it gets to the scene that is like the one of his father's death, that he would like for Horatio to watch the King and note his reactions so that they can compare notes after the play.

The play begins, King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Polonius (of course), Rozencrantz and Guildenstern all come in and engage in small talk. The King asks Polonius about his acting days at University. Polonius tells the King that he was Julius Ceasar and Brutus killed him (hehe).

Hamlet begins to flirt with Ophelia. She notes aloud that he seems to be in a good mood. He says why not be merry and says to look how happy his mother is even though it has only been two hours since his father's death. Ophelia reminds him that it has been much longer (twice two months).

The play begins. The first scene shows a king and queen together behaving very lovingly toward each other. The queen leaves and an actor comes in and pours poison in the actor king's ear. The actor queen comes in and finds the dead actor king. The poisoner comes in and grieves with the actor queen, and then proceeds to woo her and then to marry her.

The play continues and the King gets more and more upset as it goes along. After the play the King and Queen go to bed. Rozencrantz comes in and tells Hamlet that his mother would like a word with him. He asks Hamlet what has been bothering him, but Hamlet won't tell him. Guildenstern comes in and Hamlet asks him to play music for him, Guildenstern refuses, saying he doesn't know how to play. Hamlet insists, then accuses Guildenstern of trying to play him like an instrument.

Polonius comes in and tells Hamlet that the Queen is insisting on seeing him.

Scene 3

The King is speaking to Rozencrantz and Guildenstern. He is asking them to take Hamlet to England. They agree and leave.

The King is feeling guilt for what he did to his brother.

The King kneels by his bed and begins to pray. Hamlet, spying on the King, sees this and says that he cannot kill the man and help him into heaven, that he must wait and kill him when he is assured of going to hell.

Scene 4

The Queen and Polonius wait for Hamlet. Polonius is telling the Queen that she must be stern with Hamlet. When they hear Hamlet coming, Polonius hides behind the curtains.

Hamlet and his mother talk. Hamlet is being rude to his mother to the point of her being afraid of him. She calls for help and Hamlet hears Polonius behind the curtain. He stabs the curtain through with his sword and Polonius (behold, I am slain!) falls dead. The Queen is shocked and says what a horrible deed it was. Hamlet says almost as horrible as killing a king and marrying his brother. He goes on to be very nasty to his mother about her marrying her husband's murderer.

The ghost king comes in. Hamlet speaks of the ghost but his mother can't see or hear it and is further convinced of Hamlet's madness.

Hamlet asks his mother not to sleep with his uncle but to go back to being virtuous. He reminds her that he is being sent to England, but that he will take care of dead Polonius first (I'll lug the guts into the neighbor room).

The Queen leaves and Hamlet leaves, dragging Polonius.

End of Scene 3
To Be Continued


Part 4

Hamlet, Act IV

Act 4
Scene 1

King Claudius, Rozencrantz & Guildenstern. Queen Gertrude comes in and asks to speak to the King alone. Rozencrantz and Guildenstern leave.

The Queen then tells Claudius what happened with Hamlet, that Hamlet is insane (mad as the sea and wind). She tells him what happened to Polonius. The King is horrified and worried about everyone's safety. He asks where he has gone and she says to take care of Polonius' body. The King calls Rozencrantz and Guildenstern back in and tell them what has happened, and ask them to locate Hamlet and bring Polonius' body back to the chapel.

Scene 2

Rozencrantz and Guildenstern find Hamlet and ask him what he has done with Polonius' body. Hamlet won't give them a straight answer. He then tells Rozencraft that he can't be ordered around by a damn sponge. Rozencraft questions that and Hamlet proceeds to tell him that he soaks up everything the king hands to him, just like a sponge (Ay, sir, that soaks up the king's countenance, his rewards, his authorities). They again ask Hamlet where he has put the body, but Hamlet goes on a rant, talking nonsense.

Scene 3

King Claudius is wondering what to do with Hamlet and realizes that he can't do much because the people love him. Rozencrantz comes in and tells the King that Hamlet won't tell where he has hidden Polonius' body. The King asks where Hamlet is. Rozencrantz tells him he is just outside under guard, awaiting to know what the King wants to do with him.

Gildenstern comes in with Hamlet. The King asks where is Polonius. Hamlet says he is at supper, which startles the King (At supper! Where?) Hamlet says he is not where he eats but where he is eaten (a certain convocation of politic worms are e'en at him).

[Damn this is getting good...]

Hamlet explains the icky process wherein a king may "progress through the guts of a beggar."

The King again asks where Polonius is and Hamlet tells him to look for him in heaven, but if he is not there to go look in hell, then tells the King that if he doesn't find Polonius soon then he'll soon be able to smell him as he goes up the stairs.

The King sends attendants to look for Polonius, and tells Hamlet he is being sent to England ASAP.

Scene 4

On a plain in Denmark, and army led by Prince Fortinbras of Norway is marching. Prince Fortinbras is sending his captain to ask King Claudius for permission to cross Denmark for an attack on Poland. The captain meets up with Hamlet, Rozencrantz and Guildenstern. Hamlet asks the captain if the army is marching against all of Poland or just a small part. The captain explains that it a very small and worthless part but that a fight if building over it. Everyone leaves except Hamlet, who goes on another lament about how so many people are willing to die for a small plot of land and there he stands, unable to revenge his father and his "stain'd" mother.

Scene 5

Meanwhile, back at the castle....

A man is talking to Queen Gertrude about Ophelia, saying she is to be pitied. The Queen allows Ophelia to enter and it soon becomes obvious that Ophelia has lost her mind. King Claudius enters and tries to reason with Ophelia, but as anyone who has ever had dealings with an insane person, we know how that works out.

Ophelia leaves and King Claudius says to his wife that when sorrows come they come in waves.

After a bit, a man comes in and tells King Claudius that Laertes (Ophelia's brother) has arrived and is stirring an uprising to take over the kingdom. Laertes arrives at the castle and makes his way to the room where the King and Queen are. He demands to know where his father is. Queen Gertrude tries to calm him down but he again demands to know where his father is. King Claudius tells him that he is dead. Laertes demands to know who is responsible for Polonius' death so he can be revenged. The King tells him, "It wasn't me!" Ophelia wanders back in singing and acting crazy and her brother witnesses her madness. King Claudius offers Laertes sympathies over what has happened. Laertes wants to know the circumstances of everything and King Claudius tells him he will know.

Scene 6

A sailor comes through looking for Horatio. He hands Horatio a letter and tells him it is from the ambassador that was bound for England. Sure enough, the letter is from Hamlet, telling Horatio that he has been kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts (okay I made that part up, just to see if you were paying attention). Hamlet was kidnapped by pirates and that he has a lot to tell Horatio, and asks Horatio to come to where he is. Hamlet tells Horatio that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are still on their way to England and that he has a lot to tell Horatio about those two.

Scene 7

King Claudius is talking to Laertes about everything that had happened. He tells Laertes that he can't do anything to Hamlet because he is too well loved by the public and that anything he does would backfire. He tells Laertes that they loved Polonius.

A messenger comes with letters to the King and Queen. When the King opens the letter to him he sees it is from Hamlet, telling him that he was set naked on the coast and asking his pardon to come and explain what had happened and why he was back.

Laertes says he is looking forward to confronting Hamlet (That I shall live and tell him to his teeth, 'Thus didest thou').

King Claudius hatches a plot with Laertes so that Hamlet would be killed, but that it would look like an accident so that nobody will get the blame. Claudius asks Laertes how much he loved his father, did he love him enough to actually revenge his death, and what would Laertes do if he could. Laertes tells Claudius he would cut Hamlet's throat. Claudius tells Laertes that it can't be that obvious, and that they should set it up to look like sword practice. Laertes goes on to describe a poison, that if he put it on the edge of his sword that even a small cut would kill Hamlet. Claudius then says he will have a poisoned drink available for Hamlet, in case Laertes' poisoned sword doesn't cut Hamlet as planned.

Queen Gertrude enters and is very upset, telling Laertes that Ophelia has drowned. She tells him that she had gone to the brook to pick flowers, but that she fell in, and being crazy as she was didn't notice that she was about to die. Queen Gertrude tells Laertes that Ophelia chanted snatches of old tunes until her wet clothes dragged her under the water. Laertes storms out of the room.

King Claudius tells the Queen that it took him a long time to calm Laertes down, but now he is afraid that Ophelia's death will set him off again (the dirty rotten king).

End of Act 4
Next.... The Thrilling Conclusion


Part 5

Hamlet v.5 - Yorick's Revenge

Act 5
Scene 1

The scene opens with two guys digging a grave in a cemetery, and having a conversation about how could a person possibly get a christian burial considering she drowned herself. They come to the conclusion that because she was a "gentlewoman" that the rich folks can bury her as they like, suicide or not.

They then go on to a discussion about Adam and whether he used a shovel. (The Scripture says 'Adam digged:'could he dig without arms?) After a bit they see Hamlet and Horatio off in the distance, and one guy sends the other to fetch some alcoholic refreshment. The one left behind begins to sing while he digs. Hamlet hears the man singing and questions why the man is so happy. Horatio basically says its his job, he's relaxed, no big deal. The gravedigger continues to sing and tosses up a skull. Hamlet wonders about the skull, how it could be a politician or a beggar. The gravedigger, continuing his singing, tosses up yet another skull. Hamlet asks the gravedigger what man he digs for. The gravedigger tells him no man, Hamlet then asks what woman. The gravedigger says no woman, but someone who was a woman when she was alive. Hamlet fusses about the gravedigger being so absolutely literal and asks the gravedigger how long he has done that job. The gravedigger, not recognizing Hamlet, says he has done the job since King Hamlet overtook Norway, then goes on to gossip about Prince Hamlet being sent to England because he was mad.

Hamlet starts asking the gravedigger morbid questions about how long a person will last when they are buried before they rot away. The gravedigger tells him around 8 or 9 years. The gravedigger then finds another skull and tells Hamlet that it has been in the ground for 23 years. Hamlet asks who the skull belonged to. The gravedigger tells Hamlet that the skull belonged to Yorick, the king's jester. Hamlet remembers Yorick and goes on about what a good guy Yorick was. (Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy;)

Hamlet says its a shame to have such great men die and go to dust, only to have their dust be made up into something to patch a wall.

At that point the funeral procession comes along with Ophelia's body. Hamlet and Horatio are unaware of whose funeral it is, so step back into the shadows. Hamlet, hearing the service, realizes who is being buried. Laertes, in a fit of grief, leaps into the grave with Ophelia. Hamlet leaps in as well. Laertes then attacks Hamlet and they fight while still in the grave with Ophelia's body which, of course, causes an uproar at the funeral. Hamlet declares that he loved Ophelia, and his words are taken as coming from a madman. Hamlet leaves the funeral.

King Claudius asks Horatio to watch over Hamlet. He then reminds Laertes of their evil plan to kill Hamlet.

Scene 2 - The Climax

Hamlet and Horatio are back in the castle. Hamlet is telling Horatio about finding Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's orders from the King, still sealed, and that he found out that they are to lop off Hamlet's head when they get to England. Hamlet tells Horatio that he stole the original orders from the king and replaced it with fake orders, telling the people in England that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are to be put to immediate death. He tells Horatio that it was after this that he was kidnapped by the pirates, and that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern continued unknowingly to their fate.

Hamlet and Horatio discuss how horrible of a person King Claudius is (Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon-- He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother). Horatio reminds Hamlet that the King will soon know what happened to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

In comes Osric (new guy) to give Hamlet a message, but Hamlet gets distracted with the fact that Osric isn't wearing his hat. Osric tells Hamlet about the wager the King has on his head for sword play with Laertes. Hamlet asks what was wagered (6 horses against six French rapiers and poniards, with their assigns, as girdle, hangers, and so). Hamlet agrees to the sword play.

Horatio tries to talk Hamlet out of the fight, saying he's going to lose. He tells Hamlet that he will go tell the King and Queen that he is not fit for the fight. Hamlet refuses and says he has been practicing with the sword so he should do okay.

The King and Queen and their attendants, and Laertes, and a small crowd of others all arrive for the sword play. The King puts Hamlet's hand in Laertes hand. Hamlet apologizes (sort of) to Laertes for all the wrongs he has done. They begin the sword play and Hamlet gets the first hit. The King urges Hamlet to come have a drink with him (what a git, remember he poisoned it), but Hamlet refuses.

Hamlet gets in another hit. The Queen grabs a cup of wine and takes a drink from it, and sees that Hamlet is out of shape and having trouble and sweating, so she goes on to urge him to take a drink (she took the poisoned cup), but Hamlet refuses the drink. The King realizes what she has done but knows it is too late to stop what has happened.

The sword play continues, Laertes gets a hit on Hamlet and cuts him, which results in a scuffle. Hamlet gets Laertes' sword from him and cuts Laertes. Laertes realizes what has happened and knows that he will now die from the poison on the sword.

Queen Gertrude collapses. King Claudius says she has just fainted from seeing the blood, but the Queen says no, it was the drink, it was poisoned. The Queen dies.

In a rage, and still unaware that he himself has been poisoned, Hamlet orders all the doors locked. Laertes confesses to Hamlet what he had done with the poison on the sword, and tells him he only has a few minutes to live, that there is no cure for the poison. He tells Hamlet that the King is to blame for all of it. Hamlet takes the poisoned sword and stabs the King with it.

The watching crowd is in an uproar and starts yelling of treachery. The King asks for them to defend him, as he is only injured. Hamlet forces the King to drink the wine that his mother had drank. (Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?) The King then dies.

Laertes, watching all of this, tells Hamlet that the King deserved what he got. He then tells Hamlet that he forgives him for everything. Laertes dies.

Hamlet, in his dying words, asks Horatio to let his story be known. A loud noise is outside and Hamlet asks what it is. Osric tells him that it is Fortinbras, on his way home from his conquest in Poland, and ambassadors from England. Hamlet knows that he will not live to speak to them, tells Horatio to tell Fortinbras everything, and that Fortinbras has the power to speak for him. Hamlet then dies.

Horatio is heartbroken over Hamlet's death. (Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!)

Fortinbras and the ambassadors come into the hall and see the dead bodies everywhere and asks what the heck is going on. One of the ambassadors say that they had come to deliver a message that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, but that anyone that it was to be told to are all dead as well. Horatio says to Fortinbras, "Boy do I have a story for you."

And let me speak to the yet unknowing world
How these things came about: so shall you hear
Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts,
Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,
Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,
And, in this upshot, purposes mistook
Fall'n on the inventors' reads: all this can I
Truly deliver.

Fortinbras tells him to tell his story quickly. He says that he has some rights in the kingdom and that he is claiming those rights (taking over as king, I think). He orders that the dead be taken away and that Hamlet is to be honored as a soldier.

The End

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This has got me befuddled. It is a website that sells affirmation CDs. I guess that is okay, but seriously, does anyone really believe the insincere recordings of a stranger telling you how wonderful you are? Really? Now don't get me wrong, they sound sincere enough, but a faceless person who wouldn't know you if you walked up and bit them on the nose telling you that you are the greatest. I can't imagine that it would have much, if any, effect on a person's self esteem. I'm just contrary enough that that sort of thing would make me feel worse.

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Amazing, but it seems to me that if someone is that special to you, that you appreciate them to that extent, it would be so much better all the way around to look them in the eyes and tell them they are important to you how much you appreciate them.

But that's just me.

Shoes

I love high heel shoes. I rarely wear them though because I have spoiled myself to comfort rather than the Fuck Me look. I want these first shoes though in a major way:


These are Carlos Santana shoes. Carlos Santana? The singer? I dunno, but I love his shoes.


I like the style of these but the color... not so much. If they had these in slut red I'd be all over them.


Ummmm..no. Not even in slut red. These are Carlos Santana shoes as well. The first ones that I liked so much must have been a fluke.


Love these too. They have flowers imprinted on the bottom so when you are a murder suspect you are easily identifiable by your footprints. The color is interesting. It sort of reminds me of those fancy bowling balls that you see at the bowling alleys.


These are nice. Sensible, yet sexy. Something that schoolteacher who moonlights in the evenings at Temptations* would wear.


Shoes for the discriminating mummy wench. Although I am not sure how she is going to handle having that strap thing between her toes after the thousand years of being entombed in flats.


These shoes speak to me. They are saying, "Pssssssssst hey you! Where did you hide the paint remover??" Just kidding.. I actually kind of like these. They are unusual and slightly quirky, just like my friends.

Okay, I'll stop for now. I had loads of fun with this post. I think I may do this again sometime.







*Temptations - Strip club (and I mean that in the raunchiest sort of way) that is just across the border into South Carolina from Savannah.

My Replacement

If you have read this blog for any amount of time, you know I worked in Savannah for the best boss ever. The decision to leave his employ was a difficult one. However, since the decision had been made, I dragged Larkin into the job, a person who I thought at the time could handle the busy-ness of it and who would take care of our favorite Acid Brother. She seems to have taken to the job like a duck to water.

As a bonus, she has started blogging and she is funny as hell. Go check her out. Tell her I sent you. :-)

And remind her to water my orchids.

Jenny

A while back I blogged about an incident when my daughter was little where I tossed her doll across the room and she accused me of murdering Jenny (the doll's name).

A couple of days ago I was talking to my daughter on the phone and we started talking about that incident. She tried to make me feel guilty and told me she never wanted to play with dolls again after that, that I had ruined the experience for her. I said, "Well now you know that Jenny wasn't dead after all." My daughter responded with, "Yes she was!" I said, "Now don't be silly, you know Jenny wasn't dead, she was probably just in a coma."

Her response to that was, "OH.MY.GAWD! I have to go and tell Mike what you did to Jenny!"

She then hung up. I was laughing like a loon.

Yup.... still laughing.....

Children

JC works as a subcontractor at one of the super secret government agencies that claim to be responsible for the safety of the American public. Unfortunately, the people that work there are mean, vindictive, petty and more concerned with furthering their careers at the expense of others than they are with doing their own job well. The backstabbing that goes on is awesomely horrible. These are people that are responsible for our national safety. I have been sorely disappointed at the constant flow of politics that are played. I suppose I am an optimist and still think that people (for the most part) will treat each other with respect, but that doesn't seem to happen there. Mostly I'm just disturbed that this is our government at work.

It's a mad world.

The Carcass

The players: Jake (dog), Maybe (dog), Oreo (cat), Borden (cat)

Setting the scene: Since I am a morning person (at least more so than JC), I get up to make coffee when the obnoxious alarm sounds. Mostly I do it so the alarm won't keep buzzing in my ear since JC requires 3 to 4 snooze sessions before he is able to drag himself out of bed. So, I get up and wander my sleepy way to the kitchen. Laying in the middle of the floor is a wet mass of something. I assumed the cats puked again, and since cat puke makes me want to puke, it is an unwritten understanding between JC and I that HE will be the cat puke cleaner upper, so I make a wide berth around it on my way to the kitchen.

A few minutes later I notice Jake carrying the wet mass around with him. Suppressing the inevitable gag reflex, I inform JC that one of the cats puked and that Jake was playing with it. He, knowing my aversion to such disgusting animal instincts, drags himself from the warmth of the bed to put a stop to it before I start with the fit throwing.

Turns out it wasn't cat puke. Oreo (we know it was Oreo because Borden is too lazy to do it), Oreo killed a mouse. Jake adopted the dead mouse and was carrying it around with him. He wasn't eating it, just carrying it around with him. JC took the mouse away and disposed of it. The receptors in my brain that deal with such traumatic episodes kicked in and I promptly erased all memory of what Jake looked like with a dead wet mouse dangling from his jaws.

But at least it wasn't like this:



I love at the end when he yells, "I HATE YOU!!!" at the raccoon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Actual Morning Conversation

Me (after bringing him coffee, letting the dogs out, cleaning up cat puke and getting dressed): Just out of curiosity, does morning perkiness make you want to kill me?

JC (from somewhere beneath a few blankets and with the pillow covering his face): mmm hmmmmmmm

Me (with a smirk): cool *snicker*

The Grandmunchkin

As many of you possibly, maybe know, I went to Oklahoma to visit the beloveds over Christmas. It was a nice visit, I even got up at 6:00 a.m. on the day after Christmas to go shopping with the ex husband. I think we had more fun than we ever had when we were married (snicker) (and no, not in that way you pervert). But the most fun I had was with the grandmunchkin Brooke (see photo, above). The kid is a firecracker, constantly on the go and curious about EVERYTHING. She's only 6 months old and has more hair that I do. JC and I got her a musical dance tower thingy for Christmas which has turned out to be her favorite gift apparently but I think its mostly because she can see that the bear has something in his hands and she is determined to get it from him. The presence of the camera is an obvious distraction for her, she was always trying to eat it when she came within eating proximity of it as evidenced by this photo:



I have a video of her eating the camera but the tv in the background has someone talking about masturbation and calling people faggots. Educational television, what can I say.

But her absolute cuteness can only be seen in a video:



This picture is the one I've had the most fun with. Those big blue eyes of her crack me right the fuck up (yes I said fuck in the presence of my grandbaby's photos - so???):








I think I have too much time on my hands. hehe

Catnip

We have a cat, Borden. He's big, white, fluffy, timid and lazy. And he flat refuses to play, period. He will occasionally put away his dignity long enough to take a short nap in your lap, but then he is gone to hide again, only to be next seen around breakfast time.

But I have discovered his one weakness. Catnip.

JC had tucked away a package of loose catnip. Borden saw that in my hand and came running, so I took out a bit and gave it to him. He promptly ate it. I gave him a bit more. He ate most of it and rolled on the rest... a bit more and he wallowed in it like a pig in a mudhole.

He then began to play, batting at Oreo, the other cat. Bat bat bat... right across the face. He stared defiantly at Oreo, daring him to do anything about it. I had given Oreo catnip as well, and it made him somewhat playful, but he wasn't used to seeing Borden in this state of mind so he was more befuddled at Borden's sudden transformation than anything else. He kept stealing quick glances at him but knew better than to stare back, as Borden had badass written all over him. JC walked by and Borden attempted to attack his ankles. I just sat back and laffed at the indignity that Borden had suddenly embraced.

The catnip WILL be coming out again today, that is just too entertaining to pass up.

Bathroom Encounters

Setting the scene: Emergency stop at McDonalds to use the facility after drinking a very large diet Coke on the way to Frederick, Maryland (JC wanted to eat at Checkers but when ya gotta go ya gotta go). Whilst in the facilities, the following conversation took place between an elderly red headed female and myself while I washed my hands:

Her: BURP BELCH BRRRRRRP

Me: Not paying attention really.

Her: "Oh, excuse me." Brrrrrrp

Me: Small smile but continuing about my business.

Her: "I have not been well."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Her: "I died twice."

Me: "Oh my."

Her: "They brought me back."

Me: "I see this."

Her: "I'm relearning to walk."

Me: "You're doing good."

Her: "I'm not well."

Then she walked out of the restroom, leaving me standing there fighting off a fit of the giggles.

The giggles started when I got back into the car.

The End.

I Come Before Thy Throne of Graaaaace....

And throw myself upon my faaaaace. I know that I am but a woooorm.... so step on me God and watch me squirrrrrm.

I don't feel well. In fact I feel awful. I came back from Oklahoma sick. Sick enough that I have stayed in bed since I got home and JC is waiting on me like a nurse tending to someone in their last moments of life. Apologies to the people sitting next to me on the plane. You're next.

What's weird about it all is that church hymns have been stuck in my head for the last two days. I keep humming and singing them. I'm either 1) delirious; or 2) near death.

Jeeeeeeeesus hold my hand I neeeeed thee every hour. Through this pilgrim laaaand protect me by they power... heeeaaaar my feeble pleaaaaa ohhh Lorrrrd look down on meeeee. When I kneel in prayer I hope to meet you there blessed Jeeeeesus hold my hannnnnnd......

*cough cough sniff*

Actually....

I forgot that I can schedule posts, so I think I shall schedule this one to occur sometime in the next few days. It will be a surprise to all of us.

I've been through some serious shit lately. Things haven't worked out exactly as I wanted or expected, but I can make a choice of letting it turn me into a bitter old hag, or I can shake it off and move on. I choose to shake it off. I refuse to let anyone or anything destroy who I am at my core.

I've been thinking a lot of about Happiness vs. Contentment. To me, happiness is fleeting. It is a new television, a new puppy, a new relationship. THINGS make us happy but the happiness only lasts until something knocks us off of our happy pedestal, such as a broken remote, a pee puddle or infidelity. Contentment, however, comes from within. I choose to be content with my life because the alternative is too difficult to deal with on a day to day basis. I can be happy in the morning and be pissed off in the afternoon, but none of that will affect my basic contentment with who I am and how I choose to live my life. Basic contentment gets me through a lot of bad times. Can fleeting happiness do that? I wouldn't think so, but that is just my opinion.

Who knows, maybe I am just confusing contentment with blind oblivion. Whatever it takes to get me through the day. I choose to be content. I choose to be comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what has been done around me.

Merry Christmas

As is probably fairly obvious from my last post, things haven't been very happy here in Happy Land, but are settling down again (I think). I haven't blogged because it would have been very depressing for the two of you who read this, so I have made a deliberate attempt to spare you.

HOWEVER....

I found this and have been having a good time making this animation for your viewing pleasure.



I am flying off into the sunset tomorrow evening, going to spend Christmas with my family and my darling grandmunchkin Brookelet.



If you've hung out with me for any length of time, you probably know the drill. Parents house, dial up internet (ewww spit phhtooey), and the fact that they know nothing about this blog and I prefer to keep it that way, and the fact that I am NEVER NEVER alone when I am there, and the fact that I totally intend to spend every waking moment with that adorable face... that means more than likely no posts until after Sunday when I fly back to Happy Land.

So... Merry Christmas to everyone. I wish nothing but contentment to both of you. ;-)

Insight

Insight is something you gain when you have lived (or are living) through something awful. Insight makes you look back on your actions and think.. ah yes, that is where I went wrong. Insight builds wisdom, but can also build bitterness if not handled correctly.

Life never turns out the way you expect it to. There are no happy endings. How's that for insight?

Word Of The Day

Douchenozzle

hahahahahahaaahahahaaa

Oh.My.God that made me giggle.

Yesterday I was called Slut Bucket in an email. I liked that one too.

HAHAHA

Whew - early morning giggles are the best.

Ah The Domestic Life

I am slowly settling in to my domestic routine. I would say that it could soon become a rut, but I'm enjoying it immensely. Having lived on my own for the last 10 years it is nice to have a boy around the house to kill things for me and clean up the gross stuff (with 2 cats and 2 dogs, there is a plethora of gross stuff).

Last night I was sitting quietly, minding my own business, when I heard bangs in the kitchen. Well, me being me, and being conditioned to ignore anything that doesn't catch the place on fire, and with 2 cats and 2 dogs random bangs are the norm - I ignored it. A few minutes later I notice Oreo (the cat) out of the corner of my eye playing with something. I assumed he had discovered a long lost toy and continued minding my own business. Until that toy seemed to be awfully energetic. Still, even through that, the thought crossed my mind that JC owned a cat toy that moved a lot, and still minded my own business and watched Intervention (YO JESS!). Anyhoo.... the energetic cat toy finally caught my full attention when it leaped about 2 feet in the air with Oreo fast behind it. My attention was diverted from the train wreck I was watching on the television to the rodent tragedy about to unfold in my living room. I casually mentioned to JC that Oreo had discovered a mouse. His response was, "Oh yeah?" He was more interested in what he was working on as well.

I watched as Oreo chased the mouse in to where JC sat at his computer. I then lost sight of the action so I continued to watch the addicted on the television. It was then that I heard JC cheering Oreo on.. "CATCH IT OREO!"

Oreo caught it.

JC then casually wandered through the living room, carrying a cat, who was carrying a mouse in his mouth. Oreo had a smug expression on his face, JC was telling Oreo what a good kitty he was as he tossed him out the back door to play with his new friend.

At that moment I loved having cats in the house.

Until I stepped on a coughed up hairball whilst I walked through the dark house.

It was an action packed night.

The End

I'm Famous!

My blog has been linked in an Iowa Newspaper about controversial toys. I did that post two years ago and it has taken this long for anyone to notice, but I'll take what I can get.

The only question I have now is - Aren't there only about 8 people living in Iowa?

In any case, its about time I get the recognition I deserve. hehe

Midnight Conversations

Setting the scene: Me... snoozing. JC, watching tv.

JC: I see how it is, you don't even kiss me goodnight anymore.

Me: If you want a kiss you are perfectly welcome to give me one.

JC: No, no, I see how things are now. Its okay.

Me: Let's think about this for a minute, shall we?

JC: WAIT! (sitting up in the bed)

Me: What??

JC: Trying to remember where I put the fire extinguisher.

Me: (just confused)

JC: Or water.. water will work.

Me: (still confused)

JC: You thinking will probably cause a fire.

Me: (punching him in the arm)

JC: Yeah a glass of water will probably work.

Me: (getting annoyed)

JC: Of course it will be a SMALL fire.

Me: (attempting to push him out of the bed but overcome with a fit of the giggles)

I get no respect around here.

Intervention

JC is in need of an intervention.

He has a problem that I cannot grasp, one that I cannot seem to figure a way around. I told him this morning it is becoming a problem and he just looked at me as if I were insane.

Something must be done.

The man is addicted... yes ADDICTED.. to the snooze button on his alarm. He has two alarms set and both are within reaching distance for him. He hits the snooze button on both over and over until I finally go in there and ask him politely to stop hitting the snooze buttons and get up like normal people do.

I wonder if there are any snooze button rehab centers near here.

And They're Off!

What an exciting day at the job interview race!

First up is government contractor, second slot is taken up by law firm receptionist, and third in the race is masting/rigging company assistant.

Racing fans the world over are on the edge of their seats to see who will win this one -

Government contractor is in the lead... this one started off with a few disadvantages, such as a finance position which to most newbies sounds like an incredibly boring job but if the price is right then boredom can definitely be tolerated and this entry has the most potential to come out on top.

Second up is the law firm receptionist position... which unfortunately was doomed from the get go. Low pay and having to answer the phone all day does not sound like the job to have at the moment, although if the offer is good and it carries good benefits in the saddle then it could overcome its obstacles and come out the winner.

Last up is masting/rigging company assistant. This one has virtually no chance of winning and this announcer has no idea why it is even entered in the race, but one never knows, does one. This announcer has seen entries with worse odds than this one come out in first place.

Updates will be provided as they become available. Place your bets folks, before the starting bell rings.

Yeah Okay.... One More

This is our new President. You can't look at this picture without feeling a rush of pride at how far our country has come. Some say that the color of his skin isn't an issue, and on most points they are correct, but would this have happened 50 years ago? 20 years? Even 10 years ago? I think not.

I was never really an Obama supporter (nor a McCain one, for that matter), but he sure is one photogenic guy.

Here's to holding out high hopes that he can make this country a better place.


P.S.: When I was out and about with the Handsome J.C. last night, I was struck with the realization that I now live only 25 or so miles from the White House. WEIRD.

The Only Thing I Have To Say

Alrighty then. We have the president everyone expected we would have. I have to admit that he is a handsome, charismatic guy. Hopefully that will carry him through the tough times because, to be honest, I'm not sure he has any substance beyond that.

I sincerely hope that things aren't going to be as bad with him as some have predicted.

And just for the record, this post would be exactly the same if McCain had won. Well okay, the handsome part might have been reworded. Politics (and politicians) suck.

OMGWTFLOL

I wouldn't quite say that this is the life of a married woman because 1) I'm not married, and 2) I'm still happy. I will say, however, that living with the Handsome JC is providing a plethora of blog fodder (for the moment). This morning as he was getting ready for work I was lamenting (okay whining) about the fact that I don't have a job to go to and it was driving me crazy to be just sitting here. He stopped, looked at me, and said:

Level your toon in the game.

I don't mention it much here because it sounds so geeky, but he and I play World of Warcraft. I like it, its fun, but he LOVES it. What amazed me about that statement is that he did not ask me to do the dishes, do the laundry, mop the floor, or any of the other thousand things I could be doing around the house. Instead he tells me I should be playing a video game all day.

I think I've died and gone to Christmas morning. They have puppies here.

The Job Search So Far

I have put the hilarious Jess as a reference on a few job applications. She emailed me that she had already gotten a request for a reference, and sent me what she told them:

I have worked closely with Debbie for over two years. She was always eager and willing to help. After her sex change her confidence level went through the roof and she and I spoke of a long term relationship and having a family. We were going to adopt 3 Ethiopian kids and 2 of mixed race.

Of course you know that will get me a job. Confident transgender lesbian with a heart of gold. Who wouldn't hire that??

;-)

Adjustments

I am now settled (me and all my boxes) in the hotbed of sin with the love of my life. Living on a day to day basis with someone is... shall we say..... interesting. I have been here less than a week and have already washed all his dirty underwear and socks. That is something you don't really contemplate, washing someone's underwear and socks. You get a better understanding of that person. Handling someone else's dirty underwear is on a whole different level than is spending the night with them and having them handle their own dirty raiments.

Another thing I wasn't contemplating is the fact that Jake, my trusty guard dog who hates all dog things, has decided that Maybe (JC's dog) is his bestest friend and he keeps sticking his nose in her ears. She handles such irrational behavior with as much grace as a dog can muster, she sits quietly, with her front legs crossed (the dog crosses her front legs, its so stinking cute), and pretends that she is elsewhere, occasionally glancing at me with an expression that asks if he rode in on the short bus. Jake doesn't notice. Jake also likes Oreo the cat, but Oreo hasn't yet decided whether Jake is testing him to see if he tastes like chicken or if he is just being annoyingly friendly. Come to think of it, I haven't figured out which it is either.

Personal stuff. There are lots of personal things that I feel very funny about touching, much less being in the same room with them. I was putting my clothes in the closet last night and found a card to JC from a former wench. Obviously it wouldn't be right for me to read it, so I took it to him for him to decide what to do with it... although I have to confess I wanted to look SOOOOOO FUCKING BAD. But I didn't. He threw it away (good move).

Now I am about to send my resume out to yet more offices, in the hopes that someone will take pity on my plight and hire me. I don't really enjoy the retired life and I need to fund our Ireland trip somehow.

Changes. They can be good, right? RIGHT????

My tummy hurts.

Goodbye Savannah

I have officially left my job, which was much more difficult to do than I thought it would be. Acid Brother (some of you know why I call him this...but I guess most of you don't), a/k/a The Boss Dude, was the best boss EVER and I do not expect to find such a great boss again. I bawled like a fucking 2 year old when I went in to say goodbye. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a flake. Well okay, I'm pretty sure he was convinced I was a flake long ago, but that is beside the point. I will miss him something awful and will have to keep up our morning bullshit sessions on the phone for a while until I adjust to the change, I suppose.

On Friday I will be on to new things and a new chapter with the love of my life.

Oh. My. Gawd. I am so freaking terrified.

Mommy....


Next week when I get settled in at the new abode in the new state and start suffering from culture shock, I will try to resume regularly scheduled posting.

Oh... today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

Oh The Humiliation

As some of you know, I am on Facebook. Mostly it is because my canuck family hang out there, but I have gotten accustomed to the convenience of sending one line messages to cousins and other relatives that I haven't laid eyes on in 20 years, as well as trashy bumper stickers to the strumpets that I work with.

Now, however, I have experienced a level of humiliation heretofore unknown to me and my family. I believe the rest of my family are still unaware of what is in store for them. I will not be able to cushion the blow, all I can do is duck and cover and wait for the fallout.

My family has never before known such trauma. This is what I discovered on Facebook.

Tanya is so excited to be going to see Celine Dion tonight!!!

My world will never be the same. I have a family member who..... no........ I can't even say it.

The New Normal

I used to be very interested in the art of politics. Until one day I woke up and realized it was more accurately an art of deception. Call it an epiphany if you like, but since that day I have paid as little attention to it as possible, to save wear and tear on my favorite ulcer.

But occasionally I will run across an article that sums up the way I feel about politics in a very articulate way. This is one of those articles.

Once upon a time, Americans were fond of looking upon backward nations, upon places where law was whatever the king said it was, and noting with pride that we do things differently in our country. But that was a day long ago and a country long gone.

I am impressed with the writing, but sad at the truths it contains.

This will be the only thing I have to say about current politics. Apologies for the lack of humor.

Down To The Wire

This is it. In one week I will be moving from the southern coast of Georgia (redneck country) to the scary hills of suburban Maryland (political pissant country). I am nervous about the big change, but happy to be moving in with the Handsome JC to live in utter sin (because I’m a whore - or something like that). I have only packed half of my apartment.. but just enough to do some damage. I was walking through yesterday and tripped on a box. Yes. Fell. On the floor. I lay there for a minute trying to assess the damage, when Jake, my trusty guard dog, came running up to check for injuries. He immediately stuck his nose in my ear and snuffed. I had no choice at that point. I started giggling.

Today I have a sore left knee, and twisted right ankle, and I have no idea which side to hobble on, but I think I will survive the ordeal. The receptionist and my boss, Acid Brother, both laughed at my misfortune and then both had the nerve to deny it.

Anyway, since I am unsure how much posting I will be able to do in the next week, I will post some Halloween hilarity.

First is Zombie Home, a website for Zombie Rights. Some of the comments really struck me:

"I just want people to know that there are plently of celebrities who are with us in this zombie cause. Here are some names: 1. Rob Zombie 2. Ozzy Osbourne 3. Marilyn Manson 4. The Undertaker 5. Tim Burton 6. Johnny Depp 7. Cher"

"I'm not even a zombie, I'm just really into Zombie sex... and I get discriminated against too!"

"I was walking down the street, having been a zombie for five years, and an old lady spat at me! So injust..."

Come on people! How can we just sit and pretend this travesty isn’t happening right under our noses?? Stand up and count yourself amongst the believers in Zombie Rights! Be strong! (And be able to run fast!)

And now...........



Turn up the sound for the REALLY REALLY scary part. I was horrified at what I heard!

(But the snails are kind of cute.)

That is all for now. I shall return soon.

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

A New Dating Site To Try Out

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

If ever JC and I ever call it a day I am SO going there.

~*Update*~

The first testimonial, given via MSN Messenger:

Zombie Kat says: Hey I just met a Zombie

Deb says: YAYYYY.. on that dating site? lol

Zombie Kat says: uh huh

Zombie Kat says: thanks!

Deb says: I'm so happy for you. does he like the same things you do? brains, livers... ripping people's arms off and beating them with them?

Zombie Kat says: and a lot more to boot!

Deb says: when are you going to meet up?

Zombie Kat says: Oct. 31st

Zombie Kat says: at midnite

Deb says: good night for it

Zombie Kat says: i thought so

Deb says: although you can go out earlier and everyone would just think it is clever costuming

Deb says: you could probably grab some unsuspecting drunk in an alley for dinner

Zombie Kat says: wow...that's a great idea

Zombie Kat says: i knew i liked you!

Deb says: not enough to eat my brains tho.. right?

Deb says: you are taking too long to answer

Zombie Kat says: only if i really couldn't control the urge

Zombie Kat says: and as long as i'm taking my meds

Deb says: god we're weird

If anyone else meets their zombie soulmate through that site, I will be happy to post your testimonial as well. I only want my friends to be happy.

For All My UK Pals

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you in advance for your expected co-operation.


(Yes I know, I stole this from an email that is going around everywhere, but I'm a busy girl dammit! I swear original posting will resume shortly. Maybe.)

A Major Award

This past Thursday I came home from work and had a voice mail from my apartment manager. I had won a major award. Well okay.. THEY called it the door prize, but I like to think of it as my major award.

Anyway, I went on Friday morning and picked it up, and it was a gift certificate to a restaurant I had never heard of called Beef O'Brady. (The receptionist at work said that sounded like the name of an Irish porn star.) Anyway, I picked it up and took it in to work and pulled it out of the envelope, and immediately noticed something odd about it.

Have a look. Its the story of my life.

Poker (a/k/a Get Shitfaced) Night

At our office we have been discussing having a girl's poker night at my place for the last year. It never came about until yesterday, when one of the gang said WHEN ARE WE DOING IT??? I said I have no furniture. Everyone else said who cares we're there to get play poker (get drunk), not admire your furniture... so it was settled. Girls poker night at my house on October 17. The really entertaining thing about it though was the emails that went flying around about it:

First one, from Jess: In honor of finally (getting rid of) Debbie’s departure to lands far, far away we are having a girls poker night at her house on Friday, October 17th . There will probably more drinking and less poker playing, but we will have this shin dig under the guise of poker night for the sake of not calling it "a bunch of chicks getting drunk night". Hope everyone can make it!!!

From me: HEYYYYY... that wasn't nice. Look behind you, I'm crying now.

From Jess again: She wasn't. She was giving me the one fingered salute

From me again: That was the Hawaiian Peace Sign. Geesh.

From Larking, receptionist/my replacement: Note: Furniture not included.

From me (again): Yes yes.. I have no furniture to sit on, but I do have my dining table and chairs (still), a fold up chair and 2 loungers. And lots of boxes. Hopefully someone will take pity on my plight and bring along a beach chair or two for temporary usage. Also, does anyone actually own a deck of cards or are we all going to gather around the computer and play computer poker?

From Frances (another reprobate): I do but not sure about them - they offend the light hearted

From Chris (another secretary): I don't know how to play poker, except for the scratch off ticket one -- it tells you on the back which hand is better so you know if you have won or not.

From me: Cool! Bring lots of money.. we'll teach you how to play. mwahahahahahahaaaa

From Jess: Beverly has come up with the fantastic idea of perhaps throwing this par-tay at her house...she claims to have furniture.

From Chris: I have been there and she really does have furniture.

From me: You mean people do actually own that stuff? Weird.

And it goes on and on. I'm really going to miss this place.

Self Destruct

I am sure everyone knows someone like this:

My son in law, whom has admittedly had some issues in his growing up years, is a very self destructive person. We have tried to pull him into the family and let him know that he is loved, etc., but for some reason every single time things start to look up for him and my daughter, he goes on a self destructive rampage. He just got a good job with full benefits. My daughter was just offered a job as a endo/scrub tech at a hospital near her. You would think that life would be sunny and rosy for him, but no.... he can't handle it and goes on a pill taking, screaming, pushing, bawling like a baby rampage. My daughter has been struggling to make a life for herself and their new baby and has weathered many obstacles to finish her schooling just so they can be independent and a family. She completed her schooling through a pregnancy, being hit head on by a drunk driver with no insurance, a broken back, and being broke beyond all belief. I'm very proud of her actually, to see her make it through all of that. He, however, just doesn't seem to get it. When he is straight (forward) and sober, he's a great guy and dotes on my daughter and his baby, but when he gets overwhelmed by too many changes, even the good ones - watch out.

What is it with some people who just can't accept the good things that come their way? Why do some people feel compelled to sabotage their life? Is there anything that can be done for them or are they lost causes?

I just don't know.