Quirks

The Handsome JC, the love of my life, the man of my dreams, is weird. Yes, its true, and I'll tell ya why.

A few days ago there were tornadoes in the area where he lives. He was at work and someone mentioned to him that there was severe activity in the vicinity of his house. Obviously there wasn't much he could do about it, so he stayed at work and finished out his day. On the way home from work, a 45 minute drive, he worried about one thing - no, not his brand new Harley Davidson Rocker C that was parked outside, nor whether he still had a roof on his house - he worried about whether the cover was blown off his hot tub again because he says that thing is hellishly heavy to carry back up the stairs from his yard to his deck.

Thankfully, when he arrived, his $25,000 motorcycle was intact, as was his roof, but I could hear the relief in his voice when he announced that his hot tub cover was firmly where it was supposed to be, on the hot tub.

Now, if it had been me, and someone had told me there was a tornado near my house, I would have i) panicked; ii) mourned the loss of my dog because I knew he would be in the midst of a fatal stroke; and iii) worried about my new cinnamon apple candle I just bought and hadn't had a chance to burn yet.

Or something like that. But if I had a $25,000 motorcycle sitting outside, I think my priorities would have been a bit different.

Yep, he's weird. That's probably why we get along so well.

Sheep

I've gone and done it now. I've joined the herd. I'm a LOLcat fanatic.



But they are so freaking funny. And sometimes they speak to me.

More Flight of the Conchords

A friend at work (no not that one) has decided that she is a huge fan of Flight of the Conchords. She has sent YouTube videos and outlined the television program plots. She has sang bits of every song they have ever done. I decided that drastic measures were needing to be taken, so I emailed them. Yes. I sent an email to Flight of the Conchords.

Dear Mr. Clement and Mr. McKenzie:

I am writing to you because we, at our office, need your help.

One of the girls here has formed an obsession with you (the both of you we think, but she has never specified really) and your musical antics. She has taken to describing the plots of your television program in detail, to sending clips of the two of you in funny situations, to laughing hysterically at the mention of either of your names.

She has also formed the annoying habit of walking through a room saying, “I’m the hiphopapotamus, my rhymes are bottomless..............” and leaving it open at the end so that we are all left waiting for the next line that never comes. IT NEVER COMES!

Please help us.

Deb

I was going to send her a copy but decided that she would more than likely send me to Jesus. As soon as I get a response (and I fully expect to), I'll then let her know what I've done.

She'll probably still send me to Jesus.

But at least it will be funny.

hehe

This Is My Life

Thank you Mr. Savage for summing up the blog wars with my office partner.

Well done. hehe

The Dumbest Quote EVER

"It makes it safer for everyone who's inside the prison system, both the inmates, the staff members -- the correctional custody staff," said Matt Gray from Taxpayers for Improving Public Safety. "Prison simply cannot function in a safe manner right now with all of the overcrowding."

Taken from this article about early releases from prison to ease prison overcrowding in California... because we're all about making sure the prison inmates are safe.

I don't live in California, but if you are interested in reminding them how much of a dumbass idea this is, or to point out that you had never heard a more dumbass quote, that on a level of dumbassedness that rates a 200 which makes Mr. Gray the king of all dumbasses, the email form is here.

Maybe I'm just missing something.

Have You Ever..........?

Had one of those moments when the only thing to do was to burst into tears and bitch and moan and cry and wonder why the universe hates you?

That was my weekend. Actually it wasn't all THAT bad, just until I got the mess cleaned up.

Friday at work was Very Very busy (with capital Vs). My intention was to come home, take a nice hot bath, have a glass of wine, and lay in bed and watch tv. Instead I came in to find a dog who had been sick from one end of my apartment to the other. The poor thing, I can't blame him really, but I took one look at the diarhea slung everywhere and burst into tears. I spent Friday evening cleaning and the rest of the weekend taking him outside every hour. I think the neighbors are now familiar with all my pajamas.

Hint here: He kept that up until last night, when I gave him a heaping helping of vanilla yogurt. He loved it and it seems to have shut the diarhea down. He ia almost back to normal.

That was my weekend. I demand a do over.

My Current CD

I bought this CD this past weekend and have been listening to it. It is pretty damn funny, but to be honest I prefer to watch these guys on the tv.

Bitch

This person has been awful and mean to me for most of the day. I mentioned that I was having trouble seeing without my glasses today (because they are broken), and she said, of course, that it was all due to menopause. I am not amused.

I'm pretty sure it is just a case of pure jealousy because we both entered a raffle and I have informed her that I will be winning the laptop, so to keep her drool off of it. She was not amused.

The drawing is next week. Let's hope that we don't kill each other before then, although she has posted her Christmas List and I have just informed her that I like the vacuum and do believe I will get myself one and not let her touch it.

MWA HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

**Update**

She just read this and her only comment was, "You suck." No imagination, I swear.

The Saddest Pictures I Have Ever Seen

This brings tears to my eyes.

Time for them to come home, I'm thinking.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. A 9 1/2 hour drive goes much much faster when it is somewhere you are looking forward to visiting.

2. A 9 1/2 hour drive is torture when you are not wanting to go home.

3. Our kids are annoying no matter how old they are.

4. Hot tubs get uncomfortably warm even when it is 50 degrees outdoors.

5. German Chocolate Cake will be wiped out before the birthday dinner.

6. So will deviled eggs.

7. New babies believe they are giving you a wonderful gift when they are pooping their diaper and spitting up on you at the same time... although it is very cute when they grin after gifting you. (Yes, it is a boy - the bodily function pride starts early, apparently.)

8. I'd still do Indiana Jones.

9. Washington DC drivers scare the everloving shit out of this country girl.

10. Pregnant daughters still need their mothers to tell them to get their pregnant baby bellies out of the 90 degree sun so they don't make the little peanut that she is gestating get overheated.

11. Holiday weekends are more tiring than a regular work day.

12. You guys kept me giggling with your car sex comments, so I guess that means I need to post something ridiculous before I go out of town from now on. No more serious posts.

13. I need Mexican food for lunch.

That's it. I may add to the list as I think of more, but I'm too tired.

Ummm..

Does jacking off inside a car count as having sex with it?

This is the stupidest story I think I have read all year.

As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Holyfuckingmoley

Why oh why did they identify this idiot as American.. we get bad enough press as it is.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Conversation with Odat

Some of you know that I am friends with the famous Ms. Odat. What you don't know is the strange and bizarre paths our conversations occasionally tend to follow. Here is a portion of this morning's conversation:

Deb says:
I gotta go to walmart and get Noah a birthday card, but if I leave a muslim will get my parking spot

Odat says:
lmao.....what??????????????

Deb says:
yeah after I read that the thought crossed my mind that this might just end up as a bloggable conversation. lmao

Odat says:
why, pray tell, will a muslim get your parking space?

Deb says:
cuz they are out to get me.. of course.

Odat says:
oh...ok, i get it now

Odat says:
aluminum hat time

Deb says:
actually its cuz my office is half a block away from the jihad church (it actually says jihad above the door), and I parked right in front of their door this morning when I got here

Deb says:
to make matters worse, the jihad church is directly across the street from the abortion clinic.

Odat says:
lmaooooooo

Deb says:
can you say the most dangerous street in savannah?? lol

Odat says:
sounds dangerous to me

Deb says:
when I got here this morning the catholics were in front of the abortion clinic saying hail mary's really really loud

Odat says:
omg

Odat says:
you should blog this

Deb says:
lol

Deb says:
maybe I'll log the entire conversation and just post that.. seems much easier. lol

Odat says:
that's easier

Deb says:
don't worry.. I'll use your fake name to protect your right to privacy. lmao

Odat says:
I know, you're a good friend that way

Deb says:
actually.. I won't do it if it bugs you.. just seems like a funny conversation. lol

Odat says:
no I wouldn't mind

Deb says:
oh cool.. your fans will be impressed that I am pals with you. hehe

There you have it. Another weird one. Thanks girlfriend.. you do keep me laffing. hehe

*P.S.: We decided to do the twin posts just for the comedic factor. Oh shut up, you know you laughed. (snicker)*

Holy Moley

It just struck me, just now, how absolutely crazy things are going to be for me for the next month or so. I am driving to Annapolis next weekend to spend JC's birthday with him. A week or so after that my daughter is due to have her baby and I will be taking off and driving to Oklahoma for that happy occasion (18 hour drive, OMG), but we'll have that cute little baby to cuddle. I will be bringing my son back with me for the summer and I plan to take him up to Annapolis to meet his impending step-brother and to haul him around D.C. and do the tourist thing. With all my trips up to that area I have only been into D.C. to go to sports events (goooo Caps!), so I'm looking forward to just walking around and gawking.

*I don't think JC has been reading my blog so I will put this here too...*

I think when I'm up there I will suggest we go get married, just for the opportunity to laugh at the reaction. My mom told me to take a picture of of the expression on his face. I said that he is liable to call my bluff and say okay let's go.... she then said, then have him take a picture of the expression on YOUR face. Thanks mom. hehe

I Stole This Post

I just visited the great Brian J. Noggle, who apparently borrowed the idea from the wonderful Dustbury. I liked it so much I thought I'd join in on the action.

What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish. Additionally, I have listed in green the ones that I have on my to read shelves to actually read.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno (and Purgatory and Paradise)
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes: a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Obviously I am not as well read as our Mr. Noggle. Apparently I have a lot of reading to do before I, too, can look smart. :-)

Lost Dog

This flyer for a lost dog was dropped off at our office. It has pretty much cracked everyone up.

click for the full effect

Body and fur are very similar to this & her face is kind of similar to this
Do Not Chase

AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

Vagueness and not catching the dog is the way to go when looking for a lost dog, I guess.

Randomness

This photo is the one that brings the most blog hits here. I am not sure why. The poor dog has been ogled at enough, let him live his life in peace and privacy after his tussle with the local neighborhood porcupine.

He is shocked and dismayed that these photos have become so popular amongst the internet elite, but asks that you let him move on from this embarrassing episode of his life and let him recover quietly. He will issue another statement in the future, if one is needed. He says he's fine and only occasionally suffers traumatic flashbacks.

Moving on....

Also popular amongst bloggers is a post I once did for the book Wicked. Apparently there are a lot of people on the lookout for homework cheats. We are an immoral generation. DO YOUR OWN DAMN HOMEWORK.

Moving on...

Since I posted the Cuss-O-Meter, I had sorta, kinda, been on a mission to up my cussing percentage on this blog. It is not working. I just did a check up and my cussing has actually dropped to 10.2%. I am a failure at dirty language. Fuck.

And finally...



This is the motorcycle that The Handsome JC has bought, the Harley-Davidson Rocker C. It seems he will take delivery of it next week, which means that he will have it when I am at his house over Memorial Day weekend. Luckily for me, at the moment it does not have a passenger seat, but he seems to be on a mission to acquire one. I do not like motorcycles, but I won't count anything out until I try it. That thing looks way too fast for my liking though.

That is all. Have a lurvely Thursday.

AH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

My friend gave birth at age 65.

With all the new technology regarding fertility in recent years, a 65-year-old Friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked

"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty more minutes passed and I ance again asked, "May I see please your new baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I anxiously asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?" "Okay...Alright .... WHEN HE CRIES ... WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE .... I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT HIM .... Okay ?!!

The Po Leese

I am a self admitted cynic. In some ways I am as naive as I was when I was kid and I find myself unpleasantly surprised when someone does something nasty to someone else. I just don't expect it and when it does I am shocked and dismayed. However, when it comes to the local police departments, I fully expect THEM to do nasty things. I know I know, they are there to "serve and protect," and that we should give them our full support, blah blah blah, but I rarely see any police officer doing anything other than trying to catch everyday normal citizens doing something out of the ordinary so that they can be separated from their hard earned cash. I drive back and forth between here and Maryland on a fairly regular basis. I have seen unmarked white Mustangs with people pulled over. Now... is it just me or does that just seem WRONG?? The police spill their usual crap about how they are trying to keep us safe, but wouldn't a marked police car, which would deter speeders, make more sense? Deterrence means that we are all safer, right? But no, they put a sports car on the road so that they can catch anyone speeding so that yes, they can have the extra cash for those donuts, or so that they can fill their quotas. Then we have the jaded and burned out police officers who are only in it for the pension.

Recently one of the attorneys at work was in need of a local police officer's deposition regarding an accident that he investigated. The police officer was completely uncooperative (you would think testifying about accidents would be part of his job). That particular police officer was more interested in getting his appearance fee than in doing the job he is already being paid for. Sad, it is.

Then we have the "Police Benevolence Associations" calling our house and asking us for even more of our hard earned cash, throwing the guilt upon our heads about taking care of these officer's family, should they die on the job. Well ya know, let me see... they already get paid more than I do, they are in a job that they chose to do and they knew the risks, not to mention the fact that if something were to happen to me on the job (explosion, ghostly presence, disgruntled client), would anyone be soliciting donations from strangers to take care of my family? I think not. That, coupled with the fact that these "Benevolence Associations" get a very large chunk of the profits from whatever they take in, it is all a crock of shit.

I will insert the usual disclaimer here. I am sure there are good, honest and decent police officers in the world of law enforcement. I, personally, have yet to see those rare creatures.

When the boat crashed next to my apartment a couple of years ago there were 5 police cars with lights blazing outside my apartment, and I was the one being yelled at because I didn't have the truck tag number of the owner or that I didn't get the make and model of the pickup truck. Sorry guys, I was too busy laughing and lamenting the fact that the boat didn't crush my car. Let's see........ no damage, crashed boat, embarrassed boat owner, woman bawling her face off because a boat came loose from a truck and forced her to hit her brakes. A recipe for social disaster apparently since it took 5 police units to respond to the phone call. Police work at its best, I guess.

So there you have it. My weekly rant. I have a cartoon about this but it is on my computer at work. If I remember I will attach it when I get there.

Later, my fellow reprobates.

Actual Work Conversation (as of 12 minutes ago)

Me: I believe that Armageddon has already happened and we are already in Hell.

Jess: No that's global warming!

Proof that Al Gore is Satan? You decide...... Discuss.

Lazy Days and Bad Dreams

I had nightmares last night. All night. Every time I would wake up and drift off back to sleep I would slip into a different dream but with always the same basic theme: a tornado is heading straight towards me. This does not make for relaxing sleep... although this could be a throw back from my growing up in Oklahoma. An observation here. When I tell anyone who knows that I grew up in Oklahoma that I have never seen an actual tornado, they get an incredulous expression on their face and say something along the lines of, "What the fuck??" I then go on to explain that the most probable explanation of that is that when we knew a tornado was coming we hastily made our way to the storm cellar. Or maybe I was just lucky. (This is also the same expression I see when they find out that I'm living in Savannah but that I despise seafood. It just doesn't seem to compute.)

THEN... I wake up this morning and realize that I have been absolutely unmotivated. I don't want to work, and normally this is a job that I love. My motivation has dropped to the nether regions.

How does a person get their motivation back once it has abandoned us?

Whine whine bitch piss moan. This is my blog and I can if I want ta. hehe