Offend the Masses

Since I have made it my life's goal to make sure everyone, at some point, gets offended on Sundays, I have decided to target specific demographic areas for mass offensiveness. Today is married couples.

I received this letter in my email:

Dear D:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.

Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Sincerely,

your bud

And........

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

There. I have done my Sunday best to offend. Enjoy.

Tonight

I have the above bottle of Riesling (Product of Germany). German wine.. sounds tasty, does it not? I believe I will imbibe and celebrate the birthdays of a couple of people who are no longer in my life, but who I think of often. One is today and the other is tomorrow, and since its the weekend I have no reason not to. First, I will go and put clean sheets on my bed along with a pile of blankets since it is starting to get cooler at night, and then rehang my curtains where they fell (dunno why), walk the dog, and put on the scariest movie I own and watch it and enjoy the wine.

Sounds like a bittersweet plan.

Happy Birthday you two, wherever you are.

I Have Been Tagged (Again)

Odat has tagged me for another meme thing. (What are the origins for the word "meme?") It sounds like a mysterious disease....

Oh my god she's got the Meme!!! Run for your lives!

Anyway, I will do my best to answer, although it is a bit too serious for my taste.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Have a house in Glasgow;
2. Pay off my rat trap car;
3. Pay off my parent's house;
4. Buy my daughter a house and ship all her crap that is stored in my dining area to her;
5. Buy a new sofa.

Five bad habits:
1. I live on junk food;
2. I can't go to sleep without a movie playing;
3. When I like someone I tend to think they can do no wrong;
4. When I dislike someone I tend to think they are responsible for all the world's woes;
5. I don't get nearly enough exercise.

Five things I hate doing:
1. Folding and putting away laundry;
2. Scheduling depositions;
3. Carrying out the trash;
4. Eating cauliflower;
5. Plucking my eyebrows.

Five things I would never do:
1. Go bungee jumping;
2. Get a tattoo;
3. Pierce a nipple (OMG OUCH);
4. Get back together with my ex husband;
5. Buy a Kia.

Five things I regret doing:
1. Moving to Savannah;
2. Giving away my cat;
3. Giving up painting;
4. Trying Wasabi;
5. Smoking.

Five favorite things:
1. Blogging;
2. Jake (my dog);
3. Scotland;
4. A fire in the fireplace on a cold night;
5. Talk Like A Pirate Day.

There. Done. I am going to tag EVERYONE. If you read this list, consider yourself tagged. Answer if you like, don't answer if you don't wanna. ;-)

Saturday

Remember Jolt Cola? I haven't had that in years, but I found it in a store near here yesterday. I bought some and I'm having it for breakfast as we speak. I expect it will give me so much energy I'll have this place completely redecorated and cleaned before noon.

I'll let you know if it works.

Email of the Day

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their Beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of Caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

HA HA HAAAHAHAHA HA HAAA

Pranks

I love pulling pranks on people. I don't do it very often or it will completely ruin my credibility and none of the pranks will work. My very best one though was one that I pulled on a girl I used to work with. She was about 8 months pregnant. One day at work, I called the office and disguised my voice (I had a friend in on it with me who went into the girl's office with her, just to keep her calm.. we didn't want any premature labor or anything going on). So anyway, I call and ask for her husband. She says he isn't there he is at work, but that she is his wife and can she help me....? I said, would you give him a message, tell him that his paternity tests are back and he needs to call the clinic.

"WHAT??? OMG!" (Of course at that time people rarely said OMG, they always said the full ohmygawd, but for time and space purposes I modernized it.)

I could not contain myself then, I burst out laughing, the friend in the office burst out laughing, and the girl figured out what was going on. I feared for my life. Good thing she couldn't catch me with that big baby belly of hers. hehe

I TOTALLY have a plan for my next prank. The next person that I hear who is having their dog neutered, is going to get a call from the vet's office, informing them that the dog had been neutered, but in the process it was discovered that the dog was a hermaphrodite and needed to be spayed as well.

That's going to be so fucking great. hehe

Happy Halloween

Another one for the pumpkin collection.

Funny Commercials

These things crack me up.

I Don't Get It

Why are these women so popular? Neither of them have any talent, they seem to just coast by on their tabloid worthiness. Jessica Simpson looks utterly deranged these days. And whats up with her dumping a guy that has a reputation as being one of the nicest guys around? If she can't get along with him she can't get along with anyone.....?

Now granted, at one time I liked Lindsey Lohan, back when she was a cute redhead. Now she looks like a washed up, constantly hungover barfly.

I saw these pictures and had to do an analysis. Here goes:

Jessica Simpson: Only famous because she didn't know what tuna was made from. Has a dad who is proud of his little girl's D cups. Sells wigs. Has an ego the size of the Asian Continent. Has eyeballs that look as if they will soon pop out and hit an unsuspecting paparazzi in the forehead. Can't get a date (probably because of those buggy eyes). Has supposedly made CDs, but oddly I, and nobody I know, has ever heard any of them. I personally wouldn't be caught dead with a Jessica Simpson CD in my car.

Lindsay Lohan: Still a kid so she may eventually come to her senses. She used to be adorable, now she looks washed up. Covers her gorgeous red hair with horrible black shit. Uses enough makeup to put Tammy Faye Baker to shame. Parties until she collapses then has her mother claim that the poor dear "works so hard that she's exhausted." Can't seem to get along with anyone. Hangs with Paris Hilton (ewww). I would never go see a movie that she is in.

I know that you were aching to hear my opinion on these two talented artists (snicker). Feel free to quote me.

My Theme Song

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The Reanimator

I have talked about my boss, and how well we get along. We usually have a bullshit session every day. Yesterday it was about a movie.

We share a love of cheesy horror movies. Usually the cheesier the better. A few weeks ago he lent me a movie called The Reanimator. It was right up there in badness. Since then he has rented the sequel, Reanimator 2. He was telling me about the movie yesterday and I was asking questions about characters from the first movie. In the first movie there was a mad doctor who was bringing dead folks back to life, and at the end of the movie he was seemingly murdered by one of his experiments. Yesterday I asked my boss was the mad doctor in the second movie. Yes, yes he was. (You have to understand this discussion is done with all seriousness.) I said that I was surprised he was in it since he was strangled with someone's large intestine at the end of the first one.... that usually when that happens the people stay dead. My boss said that has always been his experience.

I look over at the person I share an office with now and she is not even reacting, not cracking a smile, didn't even turn and look at us. No reaction whatsoever. How can someone not react to a conversation like that??

I think I'm going to like that girl. hehe

Its Lurvely

I love oriental art. At one time I was fairly good at it, but as with everything else, life got in the way and I stopped doing it. This video makes me want to start again, even if it is meant for demonstrating 3D rendering.

I'm Sleepy

I came home from work sleepy. I've been sleepy all afternoon. I think that is the side effect of having lunch at a yummy mexican restaurant. But on the bright side, I scored MAJOR brownie points today, with the card, and the latte (oh yeah, I didn't mention the latte did I), and then lunch, and only minimum whining about a last minute deadline.

And I tried very very hard, but I don't think I quite succeed, at sounding interested in his weekend football analysis. He took my "awww too bad" at his news of his two teams losing as a little insincere.

Good thing I thought of the latte.

Happy Boss Day!

Today is Boss Day, which I imagine is another one of those things cooked up by the card companies to guilt people into buying their cards. It worked. I bought my boss a card. I'm also taking him to lunch today. He's a good boss and I like him, so its all good, although Boss Day is probably one of those days that will be ignored by 98% of the population.

If you are an employee, don't forget to wish your boss a Happy Boss Day. If you are a boss and your employee doesn't acknowledge it, maybe you should look inside yourself to see what you are doing wrong, because obviously you are not well liked.... also its too bad that I'm not your employee... I'd be buying you lunch at a mexican restaurant. ;-)

(Turns out that Boss Day was started in 1958 by an employee of State Farm Insurance. Obviously State Farm wasn't keeping her busy enough.)

Welcome to OFFEND THE MASSES SUNDAY

I think I may make this a weekly event, "Offend the Masses Sunday." It has a nice ring to it. And really, what better day, Sunday, the holy day, the day of worship. The day to offend as many people as possible.





I live in Moderation, Georgia.


I may have posted this one before but I am too fucking lazy to go scan old posts to see. If I have, I humbly apologize for being redundant (bite my ass loser).


This one is for Odat and Bikerbabe. *snicker*


Completely self-explanatory. I should get this to wear on first dates.


This one made me giggle.



Ditto with this one.. it was on a blue shirt on the website.


This pretty much applies to this post as well. It says absolutely nothing about anything, which is basically what I was shooting for, so I have met my goal! woooo hooooooooo
(As always, these lovely fashion statements come from TShirt Hell.)

*Rant Alert*

I have, in the past, spoken about a former long-term relationship that I was involved in. I was crazy about that man.

Now I have no idea why.

When I first started blogging, I told him what I was doing, and I got nothing but attitude from him, that blogging was a ridiculous waste of time, etc. I continued because I enjoyed it. We parted ways (not because of the blog thing) and life went on.

However, now he has started a blog of his own. That is all fine and dandy and more power to him. I like to read his blog on occasion, because he is a very intelligent and imaginative writer, and so I know that things are well with him, but also because he tends to write.. lets just say…. offensive things about me, but in a snide, underhanded way, so that he can deny it later if it comes down to it. He forgets how well I know him.

He attempted to ban me from the blog (HA HA HA HA, I SPIT ON YOUR BAN), and then it just became a challenge to see what he was trying to hide. The last time I looked at it he had posted something about me, stopping just short of saying I was stalking him. Let me elaborate on something here - this is the man who has hacked my computer, had his hacker friends watching everything I did on the internet (or so he said anyway)… told me that he had someone in my apartment complex watching my every move, so I’d better not dare bring another man there, called the phone company to find out who I had been calling, called me a whore because I called someone in Dallas (my brother), etc.

I would like to say, right here, for all the world to see… that I know the man’s full name, where he works, his cell phone number, where his family members work, the town where his dad lives, his dad’s name, his brother’s name, etc. If I wanted to stalk the man, he would know he was being fucking thoroughly stalked. Through my job I have access to records that are made for specifically locating someone and everything about them, including any professional licenses and their neighbor’s names and phone numbers. He might be surprised to know that I can't be arsed to even do that.

What a fucking ego. He destroyed our relationship, and I just don’t give a flying fuck anymore. I have deliberately left my blog where it has always been and he is free to come and go as he likes, read what he likes, and I have made a point of trying not saying anything nasty about him, or to even refer to him.

This is the only time I will be nasty. Tomorrow I will go back to being respectful of the man.

But at this moment, he is a complete egotistical moron, and I have no need to stalk anyone, least of all him.

That is all. Rant over.





(I shouldn't be blogging in the middle of the night, its possibly not good for my stress levels, hehe)

Stewart

Stewart, the Homicidal Cereal Killer Rodent from New Jersey, as he has come to be known, has been spotted in the home of Boondoggled patron, Bikerbabe. There are those of you who may be unfamiliar with the world reknowned mouse's history, the highlights of which follow:

Stewart was one of a set of twins, born to his unwed mother in the field four houses down from the home of Bikerbabe. Stewart's childhood was uneventful, with no known traumatic issues to explain the reason for his turn to a life of crime. When contacted by this reporter, Stewart's elderly mother, Elvira, stated, "He was a good boy, a little quiet, but he never caused a speck of trouble, not a speck!" When asked about her other son, Bucky, Elvira said, "NO COMMENT!" She then ended the interview. Further attempts to contact Elvira have been unsuccessful.

The body of Stewart's twin brother, Bucky, was recently discovered in the basement of Bikerbabe, and the story began to unfold. Also discovered in the vicinity were four other deceased mice, believed to be the bodies of Stewart's first four wives, who have been reported missing by their families. From clues found with the grisly discovery, authorities have come to believe that Stewart discovered illicit relationships between his wives and his twin brother, and killed them all in a jealous rage. At this time the cause of death is unclear, but is being investigated by the state pathologist.

Stewart still remains at large.

Bikerbabe is offering a large reward for his capture.

Body Building

I have a good friend who is into the whole fitness thang. She goes to the gym twice a day, she will answer my stupid questions about what exercises will flatten tummy muscles (although I never do them, it was actually just a test to see if she knew). She will tell me what I should eat to lose weight, and I can hear her roll her eyes when we're talking on the phone and I tell her I just had pizza (she can't help but mutter "whatever," though, because she freely admits to having to have the last word about everything). Anyway, during one of our many bullshit on the phone sessions, she let slip a few secrets of bodybuilding contests. I told her I was going to put them on my blog. Her only request was that I don't say where they came from.

So her code name, when I refer to her, is The Fitness Nazi. ;-)



Okay, so she told me that when these people get ready to go up on stage and do these body building contests, they spray themselves with some orange shit, like fake tan, so their muscles can be more defined. She said it looks horrible and embarrassing in public, and doesn't wash off easily, but it looks great on the stage.



They also spray themselves with Pam, you know, the cooking spray shit, to give them that oily look.



Also, before they walk out onto the stage, they will either eat chocolate, or drink a glass of wine, because it makes their veins stand out.

From what I understand... and I could be completely wrong on this part so don't scream if I am because I will correct it in a later post..... these people don't look like this all the time. When they know they are going to do a contest they limit themselves to a very specific diet (I will find out what it is and post that later), and that they are practically dehydrated (which is why the wine works so well on enhancing their veins). If you see them a couple of months AFTER a contest they wouldn't look like this at all.

Interesting.


(P.S.: When I informed The Fitness Nazi of her new name, she was not amused. hehe)

Oh The Satisfaction

I found someone to rip to shreds.

I had to order a certain weight of cardstock for some appeals briefs that were to be filed. It was an emergency order, and the guy I ordered it from knew it. He brought the ream of cardstock to me and gave it to me with an invoice, which I failed to look at while he was there. After he left I glanced at it and HOLY FUCKING SHIT he charged me $120 for one ream of cardstock!

I was livid. Now granted that money does not come out of my pocket, but it was the principle of the thing dammit.

THEN.. when I started doing the appeal briefs, I open the package of cardstock (half expecting to be laced with pure gold), and it turned out to be paper. I was being made to pay $120 for a ream of paper.

I called the guy and politely asked did he MEAN to charge me $120 for one ream of the wrong fucking shit. He said he didn't mean for it to be the wrong stuff, but the price was correct.. then had the BALLS to ask me did I want to keep it.

NO COME GET IT. At that price I would be afraid to touch it.

He was a little unhappy with me. I was a LOT unhappy with him. Too bad too cuz he was damn cute, which explains why I didn't look at the invoice when he was there. I was too busy checking out his ass.

;-)

The Great Pumpkin Shortage of 2006

I was just reading The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile, and he was commenting on the possible pumpkin shortage this year (okay panicking a little about it actually).

I thought I would do my part to ease the minds of anyone who might be buying into the paranoia:





I have my jack-o-lantern. :-)

OK. I'm Better Now.

And to prove it, in the spirit of lighthearted fun, I am posting the following jokes. In no way should these be taken as men bashing, because I have in the past posted picking on women jokes.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, A2: three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You're not holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women ... ? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email? A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manual".

Oh shut up. You know you laughed.

muttermutterbitchwhinemoanmutter

I was in a hellish mood today. I was hoping someone would be nasty to me so I could rip their heads off. Unfortunately everyone was fairly polite and noted the scowl and stayed out of my way.

Chickenshit assholes.

Maybe someone will be nasty tomorrow. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Weird Dreams

I had very busy dreams last night (as usual). This time I tried to make an effort to remember the things I saw in the dreams. The list is:

Snakes
Ostrich
Rotten Fish
Flood
Antique Cars

So I, in my ongoing quest for self knowledge, looked up on the Dream Moods website to see what these particular things meant.

Snakes: To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Ostrich: To see an ostrich in your dream, suggests that you are not facing reality and living in a world of your own. You may be in denial or unwilling to accept a situation. Alternatively, the ostrich can symbolize truth and justice.

Rotten: To dream that something is rotten, suggests that you are wasting away your potential. You have failed to make use of the opportunities that have come your way.

Fish: To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish, represents insights which have been brought to the surface. The fish is also an ancient symbol of Christianity and Christian beliefs. Consider also the common phrases "like a cold fish", "fish out of water" or something that is "fishy" about a situation. It may also imply a slippery or elusive situation. To dream that you are eating fish, symbolizes your beliefs, spirituality, luck, energy and nourishment. It is food for the soul. To dream of cooking fish, indicates that you are incorporating your new realizations with your spiritual feelings and knowledge. To dream that you are cleaning fish, suggests that you are altering your emotional expression in a way that will be presentable to others. You are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel.

Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood for indications of where in your waking life may a situation be the source of stress and tension.

Antique: To dream of antiques, represent your time honored values, tradition and wisdom. It symbolizes something genuine or proven. It also symbolizes things in your past that may be worth holding onto or worth keeping. If you do not like or appreciate antiques, then is suggests that you are moving away from outdated childhood conditioning or old modes of thinking. On a negative note, you may be discarding or rejecting something of value that you should really be embracing and heeding.

Car: To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.

Okay so, from the above list, I can conclude that:

1. I am unable to accept my hidden fears and worries which is causing me to waste my potential and hide my true feelings from everyone, and such repression is causing me emotional distress, that I am trying to hold on to the past but that I should turn my efforts and energies elsewhere; or

2. I am undergoing positive change and finally facing the truth, but that I have failed to go for opportunities that have come to me, that I am a "fish out of water" with repressed emotions, that I'm moving away from outdated thinking and that I am discarding something of value that I should be holding on to; or

3. I am a bored individual with too much time on my hands and that I need to get my fucking ass to work.

The End.

;-)

People Are Funny

Our computer network at work was broken yesterday. All of the information that we needed to access was on a server that bit the dust. While the IT people worked on it (it took all day), we mostly just twiddled our thumbs and did small things to look busy(ish). My boss had dictated some stuff that I typed up but couldn't finish because the information I needed was on the broken server. But yeserday afternoon boredom had started to set in, so instead of waiting for the server to be fixed I just pulled out old letters to get the information I needed to finish up the new stuff.

When I had that finished, I had several people asking me if the server was fixed. "No." How are you doing that? "I'm just clever that way." No really, how are you accessing that info? "We have older letters we can go by, ya know, how the fuck did you people survive before computers??." Silence, as they walk away.

Really.. HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?

Email of the Day

This is an old one but it still makes me giggle.

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping". To the Scotsman, he says "You're in charge of shoveling". And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies,but he hasa disappeared and I coulda find him nowhere".

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"SUPPLIES!"

A Nice Day

I had something happen today that hasn't happened in a very long time. I had ordered something at work, and when the owner of the company that I had ordered from brought what I had ordered, he told me that I looked different, that my hair was different or something, and stared at me as if I were a t-bone steak and he was a starving man.

I thought my days of being somewhat edible looking were long over. My ego appreciated it. ;-)

Searches

I have been getting the weirdest search hits. Thanks to Roll who took over while I was in Scotland, I am getting several hits a day from people searching for "pubic waxing," some looking for videos, some not. Sickos. Next is "nudist." Freaks. In a close third comes people who are obviously looking for homework cheats about Hamlet. Lazy slackers do your own damn work.

I've had searches for meatloaf recipes.. yeah, this blog is all about spreading culinary joy. Also searches for "ex husband's new girlfriend." Okay, I admit to that one being funny and think everyone should have a look at that one. (My ex husband would strangle me if he knew what I had done, hehe.)

I've had a search for "skunk, open window, wife." I'd love to know the story behind the reason for that particular search.

Now, just for your entertainment (I live to entertain), I am including the following extremely pointless video. I equate it to watching grass growing, but for some reason it seems to be very popular on You Tube. I guess lots of people like this kind of entertainment. Enjoy.

I Want A Water Buffalo.......

Sorry guys, I have a thing for Larry.

(No cucumber jokes please.)

How Could This Happen?

Austrian’s body found 5 years after death

Man’s rent continued to be automatically withdrawn after he died

Updated: 1:41 p.m. ET Oct 4, 2006
VIENNA - Austrian authorities have discovered the body of a man who apparently died at home in bed five years ago, a Vienna newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The corpse of Franz Riedl, thought to have been in his late 80s when he died, went undetected for so long because his rent had been paid by automatic order from the bank account into which he received his pension, the daily Kurier said.

I think that has got to be one of the saddest stories I have read in a while, an old man dying alone in his bed, and not a soul on the face of the earth missed him, not even his neighbors, and nobody noticing for five years. FIVE YEARS!

Why was the old man so alone in the world?

Sonic Sucks

I was hungry for a cheeseburger. A Sonic Drive-In cheeseburger. I go there and I order. I get my order and I come home. When I get home I open it up and what do I get? NO CHEESE. I paid for the cheese! I specifically asked for the cheese.. what kind of moron leaves cheese off of a cheeseburger??

ARRRGGGHHH

Sonic sucks.

Email of the Day

Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods

***DATING (Outside the Family) * **

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some Will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records

HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

OMG What Happened to Harry???

I'm shocked, SHOCKED I say!

(But I still laughed.)

Sassy

This is the tragic, epic tale of Sassy, the pet cicada. My son, the one who liked weird pets, once had a pet cicada that he named Sassy. (This was before Hank.) My son's grandfather had caught Sassy and tied a string around her so she could fly, but not far. He gave her to my son. My son was about 4, I guess, and he LOVED that bug. He took her outside for exercise every day, and she lived in a jar in his room at night. She only lived with us for a short time for reasons you will learn shortly.

One day my son had taken Sassy outside for her exercise. He let her fly around for a bit and then reigned her back in, and then put her in a tree so she could climb around a little bit. I was inside the house.

Now to complete the story, I must tell you about our family cat, Jessica. Jessica was the best cat in the world, I loved that cat. But she was, at the end of the day, a cat. A cat who liked to catch things. A cat who liked to eat things.

Yes. Jessica saw Sassy up in the tree and jumped up there and ate poor Sassy, right in front of my son's eyes. He was horrified.

He came into the house screeching, "JESSICA ATE SASSY JESSICA ATE SASSY!!!" After I got him calmed down enough to actually understand what was going on, I had a hard time not laughing, but the poor kid was so upset at seeing his friend eaten before his very eyes.

There you have it. The tragical tale of Sassy the cicada. Now your day is complete.

Remember This Song?

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms,
Long, thin, slimy ones; Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.

How about this one:

Great green gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts,
Mutiliated monkey meat,
Chopped up birdie feet!

French fried eyeballs mixed in with baby mush,

I for-got my spoon!

So I'll use a straw...

My New Motto

I have not been in a good mood lately. In fact, the last few days, I have been positively morose and horrible to be around.

Shit happens... but why does it always seem to happen to me. lol

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I've been awake since 2:30. I tried watching an actual TV program, but I got too interested in it to go to sleep. I tried shutting off all the lights and laying in the dark, but my brain wouldn't shut up. I tried watching a movie I have seen a thousand times, but the noise bothered me.

Have you ever wondered, in the Harry Potter movies... when they transform an animal into a teacup, does it hurt the animal? Is the animal aware its been turned into a teacup? Would you want to drink out of it?

I wish I could sleep.

The Benevolent Dictator

My son has confided to me his secret plans for world domination. I told him his teachers need to give him more homework, to keep that overactive brain occupied. I finally conceded that if/when he becomes a dictator, I would stay home and bake cookies so he will have them when he comes in from a hard day of conquering. I then asked him to remember how nice I have been to him.

He told me that if nothing else, my death will be quick and painless.

What a guy.

I've Been Tagged

Odat has tagged me in this ongoing meme thing. She tells me I am to post 10 secrets about myself. The thing is, I can't think of anything I haven't already told you guys, but I suppose I will come up with something.

Here goes, not necessarily in the order of importance, I just typed em as they came to me.

1. I can't stand bad spelling. An occasional typo is fine, but bad spelling makes me want to go for the throat. When I got divorced and my ex husband and I started communicating primarily through email, I realized how utterly stupid he truly was. His spelling is atrocious.

2. Nobody in my family knows about this blog except my brother, and he can't remember the address. Some secrets are best kept to yourself.

3. I would be perfectly content to be a hermit and to never have to deal with anyone. I've become a misanthrope.

4. My greatest wish is to buy a house. The ex b/f told me once that the only way I would ever get one is if I marry someone who already has one. He constantly underestimated me.

5. When people know me only superficially they think I'm a bit of a ditz. They are often surprised when they find out I know about a few things after all. This is mostly because I prefer to keep my conversations light and off of the topic of politics and/or religion (other than an occasional rant).

6. At one point in my life I was very very good at sketching animals. I haven't done this in so long now though that I don't think I can do it anymore. I would love to paint with oils and be good at it, but my perspective skills suck.

7. I have one of my daughter's baby sleepers folded up in my underwear drawer, as a reminder of how small she once was. I also have a set of my son's pajamas for the same reason. They don't know this.

8. I used to be a Sunday School teacher, but I haven't attended church now in 8 years. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to church. I fully expect to burn in hell.

9. Kinky Friedman mystery novels are one of my guilty pleasures.

10. If I don't recognize your number when you call me, I won't answer the phone.

Okay I have done my duty. From what I understand I am supposed to tag 2 people to do the same thing, so I am sitting here looking at my blog list and trying to decide who is most likely to cooperate and who hasn't already been tagged....

hmmmm

How about Nihilistic and Mist.

I Love My Lips

There is nothing I could add to make this any better.

The Trees

Part of the reason I moved to this area of Savannah was the trees. They were everywhere and I loved it. (The other part was because it was near the ex b/f, which turned out to be a major wasted effort.) Anyway, the trees made this area so pretty. There were the usual stores and parking areas, but they were mostly surrounded by very large and very pretty trees. Unfortunately, the powers that be (the greedy bastards) have decided that the trees are in the way of them making a few extra bucks, so the trees are quickly becoming a thing of the past. They are being pushed down to make room for more stores, more banks, more more more.

And this area is quickly losing its charm, which was the last reason I had for staying.

I Think I'm in Love

Could someone please finagle me an introduction??

Queen of Everything

My magnets were noticed, and I have been called to the carpet for it. My office partner made magnets of her own (with my expressed permission to touch my label maker) that said she is the princess of other things. She then made magnets that say GO AWAY. Of course I had to add to that and made some that say Make Me.

One of the other secretaries in the office who does not have access to my happy shiny fun label maker is upset because she doesn't have magnets. I think on Monday I am going to use Mist's idea and make one that says that she is jealous of me, and stick it to the fridge in the kitchen.

That oughta liven things up. hehe



P.S.: I never claimed to be mature.

New Toy

I have a labelmaker. Its mine. Its also the one and only one in the office so nobody can use it without my expressed permission, or I will accuse them of grand theft.

Anyway, I bought a new label cartridge for it, but instead of it being stickers, its magnets. I am leaving magnetic messages all over the office about how wonderful I am and how I am the queen of everything.

So far nobody has noticed.

Hank

I have told you about my son, and our Christmas adventures.

I will now tell you another story about my son. When he was about 5 or 6, his dad used to take him crawdad fishing, just for fun. You know, where you wrap a piece of bacon with string and toss it in the creek, and the crawdad grabs hold and starts eating it and forgets to let go when you pull it out of the water. Anyway, they went through a phase where they did that rather regularly. Well one day they came home with a LARGE crawdad, about 3 or 4 inches long. My son announced that he was keeping him and said the crawdad's name is now Hank.

Hank lived in our family for a long time, in a fish tank in my son's room. It was discovered that Hank had a fondness for McDonald's french fries, so everytime my son had some he would save one or two for Hank. Hank came out for family time, he would crawl around the house with my son following behind to make sure it didn't crawl under furniture or something.

One day, my son was carrying Hank around, as was his habit. He brought Hank outside where I was standing on the front porch doing something domestic. Hank was waving his little pinchers around, trying to get my attention. I stuck my finger out, Hank grabbed hold and pinched the everloving shit out of me. I yelped, jerked my hand back, and Hank went FLYING across the porch. My son was livid. He picked Hank up, who had sustained a compound fracture of his body armor in the unexpected flight. My son turned around and accused me of trying to murder Hank.

I tried to deny it, but what could I say, I did send the thing flying across the porch.

Hank eventually returned to normal, the crack healed up and Hank lived a good long time after that. I learned my lesson though. Crawdads are not trustworthy.

I Am Ashamed

(But I laughed anyway.)

Thanks Lea. ;-)

Elmo is The Devil

I always thought Elmo was the most annoying character on Sesame Street. Now I know he's just plain evil. This is the new Elmo toy that has been released. If my kids were small and they asked for this, I would have grounded them for 2 months and taken away their Super Nintendo. The wicked little Elmo worshippers.



One of the comments on You Tube about it was "That fucking thing moves around in my closet when I throw it in there at night. I swear to god, that toy is possesed. I fear for my life :[[[." That made me giggle.

My Ex's New Woman

I have finally received a picture of my ex husband's new girlfriend. I was a little surprised, but really only a little, considering my ex husband. She looks a bit slutty actually.

If you'd like to see, here is the picture. I will concede that she has better legs than me.

Awwwww #2

I heard a great story today. This is the kind of thing I only hear about in passed around emails, but I'm never sure how true or accurate the stories are. This one I heard from someone who was there and witnessed it.

Last night at a local Italian restaurant, there was a group of soldiers just back from Iraq. They were celebrating their return home with a lot of food and a lot of beer. Their tab ran well over $300. When they were ready to pay their bill, they were informed that someone from a neighboring table had already paid their entire tab, including the tip, as a thank you for what they had done in Iraq. They wanted to thank the person, but the generous soul had already left. Nobody knows who he is, except him.

I thought that was a wonderfully generous thing to do. I'm glad to know that people like this do still exist.

Awwww #1

I got a thank you note from the boss today, thanking me for helping him out after his brother (the famous blogger) passed away. He said at the end of the note that he wished I had met his brother, that he would have liked to have seen the two of us go at each other.

I had read his brothers blog for quite a while.. I'm pretty sure that the man would have ripped my head off and spit in the hole if ever I tried to get one up on him. Anyway, he held somewhat of a celebrity status, which would have caused me to be completely tongue tied and shy (shaddup, it happens).

Can't Keep My Thumb Out of Things

As you can see I have been mucking around with the template. You should have seen it earlier (HOLY MOLEY), but I changed it back.

Feel free to offer input/advice. What I like may be offensive to you guys and cause you to have an uncontrollable urge to gouge your own eyes out.

I wouldn't want that (unless you video yourself doing it so I can post it here).

10 Things I Know You Guys Were DYING to Know About Me

1. I cannot be trusted with cookies.

2. I have an out of control adventurous streak and not enough money to feed it.

3. The WRS is the only one I'll listen to (except when it comes to eating fish pakora).

4. I like spiders. I once named a baby one that lived in my bedroom Chuck. But the cat ate him.

5. I'm not afraid of snakes or lizards.

6. I like ketchup on my mashed potatoes.

7. I still haven't unpacked from my vacation to Scotland.

8. I never spend my change. I throw it all in a bucket.

9. I have four (4) clocks in my apartment and none of them are right.

10. I buy wine according to how pretty the bottle is.

There you have it. More proof that I'm crazy (toys in the attic, truly gone fishing).

I Hate When That Happens

I have had this happen to me on occasion. I am not a very good decision maker. I'm glad to see I'm not alone.

Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor
September 18, 2006 | Issue 42•38


TALLAHASSEE, FL—Tallahassee resident Hannibal Grant found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to him at a local Cold Stone Creamery Monday, sources close to Grant report. "I was ready to pick out just one nice flavor of ice cream without second guessing what might be good and what was more of a risk, but there's—they have over fortysomething flavors," said an exasperated Grant, who eventually returned home empty-handed after a self-imposed order-line delay of 26 minutes. "Chocolate cream, mint chocolate-chip, chocolate chunks, white chocolate, just to name a few. And I don't even like chocolate." Grant is expected to recover well enough to return to his job as a research librarian by Friday

Courtesty of The Onion.

I've Gone Feral

I used to be married. Yes I did, at one point, find a man who was naive enough to take me as his bride. That lasted for 17 years. I refer to those days as "my days of domestication," or "back when I was domesticated." That usually brings on an uncomfortable chuckle from the guys. I then go on to point out that I have since then gone feral. After they run to the dictionary to make sure they know what that means, that brings on another uncomfortable chuckle.

Men can be so cute sometimes.

;-)

Blogger Beta

I hate it. I want it to die.

I don't seem to be able to upload images. Oh it gives me a false sense of hope, telling me that my images have been uploaded and that all I need to do is press the "Done" key and life will be wonderful and rosy. Except for the fact that the "Done" key seems to be amongst the missing and never appears.

Maybe its been stolen by pirates!

OMG

Avast Ye Scurvy Dogs!

I'm practicing for Talk Like A Pirate Day.

To start helping us get into the correct frame of mind, I'm posting some helpful nautical terms.

• ASTERN - In back of the boat, opposite of ahead.
• BATTEN DOWN - Secure hatches and loose objects both within the hull and on deck.
• BITTER END - The last part of a rope or chain.The inboard end of the anchor rode.
• BLACKJACK - A pirate flag with a skull or skeleton was referred to as a jolly roger. A black and white jolly roger (used from 1690 onward) was referred to as a blackjack.
• BOOTY - The goods seized from enemy ships in times of war. Other terms are loot, plunder or spoils.
• BOUCAN - The Buccaneers used this knife when they hunted wild pig and oxen on the Islands around Santa Domingo and Jamaica. Boucans came in all sizes and shapes and looked like a cut down cutlass. These knives were primarily used as a utility knife, but could be used in combat to hack or slash an enemy in battle.
• BOUNTY - The reward offered for the capture of a pirate. The person doing the capturing of the wanted pirate is called a bounty hunter.
• BUCCANEER - Buccaneers got their name from the French word boucan which means barbecue. Buccaneers were originally pig and cattle farmers and the term referred to the way they barbecued their meat on grills as taught to them by the local natives. Buccaneer referred to the pirates and privateers who were based out of the West Indies.
• CABIN BOY - A young boy who worked aboard pirate ships as a servant. Many cabin boys made their way aboard ship by being kidnapped by pirates or were runaways looking for a means of escape.
• CAREEN - To clean or repair a pirate ship by beaching it and turning it over on its side. This was the time when pirate ships were most vulnerable to attack.
• CAT O' NINE TAILS - This whip was designed with nine knotted cords fastened to a handle. The name of the whip comes from the scars it left on the backs of the pirates who were flogged with the whip. The marks resembled cat scratches.
• CORSAIR - This term is used for privateers who operated in the Mediterranean. The most famous were the Barbary Corsairs from the Barbary Coast of North Africa (so called by the European crusaders who called their Muslim opponents barbarians) who were authorized by their governments to attack the shipping of Christian countries. The Maltese Corsairs were sent out by Knights of St. John in a religious war against the Turks, but the rewards of privacy soon became more important.
• CUTTHROAT - Someone who robs or plunders at sea or plunders the land from sea without having a commission from a sovereign nation; a ruthless pirate.
• DEAD ASTERN - Directly aft.
• DOLDRUMS - Located between 5 degrees north and 5 degrees south of the equator, the doldrums are a belt of very still air near the equator that stalled sailing ships.
• DOLPHIN - A group of piles driven close together and bound with wire cables into a single structure.
• EBB - A receding current.
• FATHOM - Six feet.
• FLOTSAM - Flotsam is a term for floating remnants of a shipwreck.
• FREEBOOTER - Another name for a pirate or buccaneer, Dutch pirates were known as "vrijbuiters," the word "vrij" meaning free, "buit" meaning loot, and the ending "er" meaning agent. The word "vrijbuiter" eventually morphed into "freebooter" in English and "flibustier" in French.
• FORE-AND-AFT - In a line parallel to the keel.
• FOULED - Any piece of equipment that is jammed or entangled, or dirtied.
• GIBBET - Public gallows used for displaying hanged criminals to the public. It was a custom to display pirates in this way as a warning to would-be pirates entering a city, town or harbor.
• HOLD - A compartment below deck in a large vessel, used solely for carrying cargo.
• JACOBS LADDER - A rope ladder, lowered from the deck, as when pilots or passengers come aboard.
• JETTY - A structure, usually masonry, projecting out from the shore; a jetty may protect a harbor entrance.
• KEEL - The centerline of a boat running fore and aft; the backbone of a vessel.
• KEELHAUL - This was a form of punishment for pirates, which originates from the Dutch and English navies. A sailor was hauled under the keel of a ship, hanging by ropes attached to the yardarms on each side.
• KNOT - A measure of speed equal to one nautical mile (6076 feet) per hour.
• LADE - Put cargo on the pirate ship.
• LAZARETTE - A storage space in a boat's stern area.
• LEE - The side sheltered from the wind.
• LEEWARD - The direction away from the wind. Opposite of windward.
• LETTER OF MARQUE - The papers a government issues to privateers granting permission to attack, take by force and return the goods from enemy merchant ships.
• MOORING - An arrangement for securing a boat to a mooring buoy or a pier.
• MUTINY - When the crew rises against the those in charge of the ship, taking over command.
• NAUTICAL MILE - One minute of latitude; approximately 6076 feet - about 1/8 longer than the statute mile of 5280 feet.
• OUTBOARD - Toward or beyond the boat's sides. A detachable engine mounted on a boat's stern.
• PILLAGE - The act of seizing by force the goods from a merchant ship in time of war. The pillaged goods are referred to as plunder, loot, booty or spoils.
• PIRATE - To raid a merchant ship. Although the terms are often used interchangeably, the difference between a pirate and a privateer is that the privateer was commissioned by a government and the pirate was non-commissioned. (See Privateer)
• PLUNDER - The act of stealing goods from a merchant ship in time of war. The stolen goods are referred to as plunder, loot, booty or spoils.
• PRIVATEER - A privately-owned, armed sea vessel commissioned by a sovereign government to attack and raid the merchant ships of a hostile nation. The term also applies to the ship's owner, its captain or crew.
• QUARTERDECK - This smaller deck located above the main deck is where the officers control the ship.
• RUN - To allow a line to feed freely.
• SALMAGUNDI - A highly-seasoned pirate dish made from available meats or fish.
• SCUPPERS - Drain holes on deck, in the toe rail, or in bulwarks or (with drain pipes) in the deck itself.
• SCURVY - Many sailors on long trips got scurvy, which debilitates and then kills its victims. When the cause of scurvy was determined to be caused by a dietary deficiency in vitamin C, limes which are high in the vitamin were brought along for long voyages. After which, the British sailors who were forced to drink the lime juice in prevention of scurvy became known "limeys."
• SCUTTLE - To sink one's own ship on purpose.
• SQUALL - A sudden, violent wind often accompanied by rain.
• SWABBIE - A swab is type of mop made out of rope-yarns or threads. A person who mopped the decks using the swab was called a swabbie.
• TRANSOM - The stern cross-section of a square sterned boat.
• WINDWARD - Toward the direction from which the wind is coming.
• YAW - To swing or steer off course, as when running with a quartering sea.
  

(Shamelessly looted, pillaged and plundered from this site and this site.

Hmmmm

I was reading the BBC news website today, and saw an article where there had been a tornado in the town the WRS lived in. So I, being me, IM'd him and asked him about the tornado. His response was that yes, there was a tornado, that yes, he had to dodge some limbs on his trek home from work, but that Brits, being Brits, have stiff upper lips and short term memory loss and soon forgot about the tornado and life goes on.

I asked was that a stab at American hysterics.....?

His response was... no no no no no, well yes.

Okay.... BUT... I am from Oklahoma. To people like me, a tornado isn't just a stiff wind that blows down a few tree limbs. It destroys entire cities. If they ever have one like that let's see the stiff upper lip and short term memory loss. I bet we see a few hysterics, as well.

SO HA.

An Old One

I got this in an email years ago and saved it for some reason. Since I am now sharing my office with another person, this seemed very topical (to me anyway).

Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work
1. It is an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communication.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on hangovers because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what they think management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages car-pooling.

9. It increases job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you just don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

There you have it. I'm convinced.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

I have always had a fascination with pirates.. no idea why. I think I just like their tattoos. Anyway, I found out that September 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day. I still strive to make sure every post that day will be done in a way that all pirates will be able to relate.

That oughta be interesting.

Sorry for the Lapse

As always there is some screaming drama going on in my life, usually to do with a particular family member that most of you are becoming well familiar with.

I won't go into details but just suffice it to say that it zaps me of all desire to do anything other than to curl up into a fetal ball in the corner and wish for death.

On a brighter note, someone visited my blog from Glasgow and I wanted to say HIIIIIII.. and that I loved it there and I want to come baaaaaaaack. ;-)

I Think.....

Yes, I think I am on the downside of this horrible Scottish disease that I carried home with me. I am, as I type, sitting here having a cocktail of orange juice, Tylenol (extra strength), vitamin C, B Complex, E and a multi-vitamin. If that doesn't kick this sore throat in the ass nothing will.

I think I'll get myself up and going and go walk in the park before work. If we're very lucky there will be something hysterically funny to tell you about afterward.

;-)

September 11, 2001

Today is the 5th anniversary of an event that changed the way we live our lives. Before that day we were a mostly carefree nation, going about our business as if we were untouchable.

We weren't.

I remember where I was the second that it happened, as I'm sure most of us do. I was here, in my apartment, waiting for the maintenance guy because my toilet (of all things) was broken. I was watching Good Morning America, as was my habit, and right at the end they mentioned an explosion at the World Trade Center. They panned the camera over to show the smoke billowing out, and as I was watching, another plane flew into the second tower. It was horrifying. I called the people at work, I called my ex husband, I called the WRS (who was in England and had no idea what was going on). I was glued to the televison, watching the horror unfold. I cried when the towers collapsed because I knew what that meant, that hundreds, if not thousands, of people just died right before my very eyes.

The maintenance guy came and left, and I had no other excuse but to go on to work, but the mood there was subdued. The television played constantly, usually with a group of people around it.

Since that day our lives have revolved more around terrorism and what to do about it, how to avoid it, how to spot it. We seem to live our lives in fear. In some ways the terrorists won on that day.

In Case Anyone is Looking...

I am seriously sick. My throat is sprouting tentacles. My little Scottish cold has escalated into an all out war.

I'll be back when I'm better, if I don't die.

Inappropriate Humor Alert

NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole

NEW YORK—Days before the fifth anniversary of the destruction of New York's World Trade Center by terrorists, city officials gathered on the site where the Twin Towers once stood to dedicate the newly completed 9/11 Memorial Hole.

"From the wreckage and ashes of the World Trade Center, we have created a recess in the ground befitting the American spirit," said New York Governor George Pataki from a cinderblock-and-plastic-bucket-supported plywood platform near the Hole's precipice. "This vast chasm, dug at the very spot where the gleaming Twin Towers once rose to the sky, is a symbol of what we can accomplish if we work together."

Pataki then cut a ceremonial ribbon to release a giant blue plastic tarpaulin, reportedly the largest of its kind, which fluttered and snapped while slowly settling into the detritus and mud at the bottom of the 70-foot Hole, drawing a long, tired sigh of resignation from the estimated crowd of 50,000 who had assembled to watch and shake their heads.

Brings a tear to the eye, does it not?

Courtesy of The Onion.

How I Spent My Three Day Weekend

Sick.

Coff Coff.

The WRS had a cold/virus when I was over in Scotland... he shared the joy.

Sniffle.

A Message

This message is meant for anyone who has not updated to the new Blogger Beta (Brian J., this means you). I am unable to comment on your blog. A small tidbit of information that Blogger didn't sufficiently inform me about before I updated (either that or I just didn't bother to read the fine print, one or the other).

Anyway, I want you guys to know I am still reading your blog, and sometimes I really REALLY want to comment, but it isn't allowed for now.

:-(

(That is a sad face, seeeee?)

Rocky Horror Picture Show

When I was in Glasgow we happened to go down a street that was filled with Rocky Horror characters. It took a few minutes for it to register what I was seeing, I thought they were all just weirdos. hehe

I knew that as much as I love that movie, you guys would love it just as much (just because I say so), so here are some of the highlights.

I see you shiver with antici ................................ pation.

Dammit Janet



So Brad & Janet decide to go visit their old teacher, the one who was responsible for bringing them together. They have car trouble on the way and go to a nearby house for help.

Time Warp



Obviously Janet isn't in the mood for folk dancing.

Sweet Transvestite



Brad & Janet then allow themselves to be stripped of their wet clothes and taken to the lab to see Frank's new creation. Eddie (Meatloaf) pays a visit......

Hot Patootie



Brad & Janet's old teacher makes an appearance......




After finding out they were having Meatloaf for dinner ((snicker))...

Janet Weiss


Hilarity ensues........

The Floor Show


Frank has to face his punishment for being a moral reprobate.

Going Home


Of course there is more to the story (although not much), but I can't post it ALL here can I? ;-)

Kopi Luwak

I used to hate coffee. Hard to believe now, as much as I drink. (Speaking of which, I had to go make a cup, sorry for the pregnant pause...)

There is one particular type of coffee that I don't think I would be brave enough to try. It is produced in Sumatra. A civit type animal eats the whole coffee bean, and then shits it out, partially digested. The beans are then picked up and processed and ground into coffee. It is supposedly delicious, but I am thinking that I would just as soon do without my coffee than to have to drink something that was shit out by a cat creature.

I just want to know who was the first one who said, "Hey look at what that thing shat out.. lets grind it up and drink it!"

If you are interested in giving it a try, you can get it here.

You would have to be a braver soul than I am.

Good Gawd Almighty. Ignorance abounds in record levels.

Suspicious Liquid On Plane

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- Air passengers from Charlotte to Little Rock, Arkansas, had to hurry off their plane Friday after someone found a suspicious liquid on board. The flight landed at Little Rock as scheduled Friday afternoon. But about seven miles before it landed, a crew member reported two passengers with two bottles of liquid. Police, firefighters and the bomb squad were called in, but the liquid turned out to be water.

Police, firefighters and bomb squad?? A teeny bit of an overreaction, wouldn't you think??

Courtesy of Roll

I was cleaning out my email inbox and found this one from Roll. Seems about right, doesn't it.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true. No more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Lemon Chicken

I saw this recipe for a lemon breast chicken that looked really good. I thought I would share it with others who are forced into the kitchen several times a week. Anyway, here it is:


Ingredients:

1 whole chicken (weight is dependent on how many servings are required)
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken until it is completely coated.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up. This way the juice from the lemon will coat the breast. Season skin of chicken to your preference; place sprig of rosemary into the chicken. Cover and place in oven for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes, depending on size of the bird.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit! (see below...)

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights

One of my all time favorite songs ever.

Hmmmm

I just switched over to the new Blogger Beta thing. It seems a little buggy and it is irreversible (like terminal brain cancer).

I will be playing with it until I get it figured out, so if you see weird happenings on this page, it is probably me. ;-)

The Last One

This was my favorite view of Scotland.

;-)

One More... Ron Mueck

I have one more thing to post about and then I suppose I must get ready for work. While I was in Edinburgh, I happened upon a museum that had an exhibition that I had been hearing about for a long time now. I never thought I would ever get the opportunity to see it, but there it was. I was awestruck, and I stood in the line to go see it.








The exhibit is absolutely amazing. The sculptures are so realistic that you start to feel just a little bit guilty for staring at them. It makes you feel as if you are invading their privacy. The sculpture of the couple laying down was only about a foot long, but the details were so wonderful that you could even see that their toenails needed a trim.

I didn't take these pictures, cameras weren't allowed.

Albannach

These guys were playing in the park at Edinburgh when I was there. I watched them for quite a while, as they are very entertaining. I am hoping to get to see them when they come to the U.S. This video is why my memory card was full, but there was no way I was going to delete it.





P.S.: I bought their CD and drive around Savannah with this stuff blaring. Funny. hehe

Edinburgh At Last

After my adventures finding the museum, I found my way back to the hotel for a well deserved nap. It is exhausting trying to be cultured and stuff.

I slept for a bit and then The WRS came by to pick me up to go eat. We headed to a couple of pubs, the Wetherspoon, which I am told is a chain and not that big of a deal, but I liked it - and I am not sure the name of the other one, Bon Arrow or something like that. I had some Belgium beer which was odd tasting and some Scottish beer which was odd tasting. I probably shouldn't drink beer, seeing as how I don't like it much anyway, but I thought I was in Scotland and that I needed to do what the Scots do. hehe

We then found an Indian Karaoke restaurant. It was loaded with very drunk singers, but we found a quiet corner and ordered some take out and took it to the hotel room to eat.

On to Sunday Morning - -

I woke up feeling adventurous and headed out to find the train station. I was determined to see Edinburgh. I located the train station and got on, pretending I knew what I was doing. I found a seat, and soon found myself surrounded by.. and I hesitate to sound stereotypical here.. but if I were a suspicious type person, I would have called them "terrorists." Sitting next to me, across from me, around me, and they were all together and they were all speaking in tongues and taking loads of pictures. One guy walked by looking for a seat in the middle of all of this and the terrorists leaned together and whispered "American" in an awed type tone. I decided then I was keeping my mouth shut for the entire train trip.

So I blended. At least until I got to Edinburgh and one of the terrorists was polite enough to let me out first. I said, "Thanks!" In my American midwestern with a slight southern twang accent. I have to be at least a little defiant ya know.

Now on with the show........


This is Bothwell Street in Glasgow, it is about 2 blocks down from my hotel.




George Square in Glasgow.




This was my first view of Edinburgh as I came out the door of the train station. I must have looked like a kid in a candy shop, standing there looking around like I was, my mouth hanging open in awed fascination.




This was on the door to one of the attractions in Glasgow. I thought it very funny, and so politically incorrect. If this was on a shop door in the U.S. I can only imagine the offended howls that would take place. It says, "Shop Till You Drop." A riot I tell ya.




Another picture of Edinburgh. I can't remember what it was though, just pretty is all, I suppose.




Edinburgh.




This is a tower that was in the park I was heading to. I took loads of pictures of this, but the Sin City signs below it look a bit out of place.




This is looking up Princess Street. The park is to the right and behind me.




A closer view of the tower. You can go up in the tower and look around, but I didn't do it. I'm scared of heights.




This was taken up in the direction of the Edinburgh castle.


That is all for the pictures, my memory card was full and my battery ran out. I have learned my lesson though, when being a tourist always have an extra memory card and an extra battery. ;-)