I Am SOOOO Going to Hell

See that face? I could not ever consider eating anything that had a face as cute as that. Until today.

I went and had lunch with a friend at an Indian cuisine restaurant today. I tried several things.. some edible, some not, but by far my favorite thing there was the lamb curry. Yes. I ate lamb. I ate something that once had a face as cute as the one in the picture.

I feel so guilty.

But he sure was tasty.

I Forgot

I was too busy to get online yesterday, much less leave a post telling you about how busy I was going to be. I now have 30 seconds to breathe, and thought I would tell you I am going to be very busy this weekend and posting will be sporadic.

We will get back to our regularly scheduled world class entertainment on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

Work Email

My office partner and I were emailing back and forth yesterday, even though we work in the same room. This is the entire conversation, sent back and forth in 17 separate emails:

*Players - OP (Office Partner) & Me*

OP (after getting her new email account): Here I am!!

Me: And here I am.

OP: Guess we are here together

Me: It looks that way. Can I borrow your stapler?

OP: uhh ok

Me: I can tell you don't want me touching your stapler. Its fine... no really, I'll do without.

OP (After sitting on hold on the telephone for ages with the water services department): You can have the freakin stapler if it is that important to you. You know what else would be nice? If these water people would pick up.

Me: Yes they are a bit annoying aren't they. Dare you to yell into the phone that they are a bunch of morons and they don't deserve your business.

OP: but I do need water. apparently it is a vital part of living.

Me: Yes I guess. I would appreciate it if you would bathe occasionally as well.

OP: I don't do that now and you haven't said much...WHAT NOW!

Me: DAMN. I thought that was BETTY! (a/k/a Potty Monitor - I heard her giggle when she read that one.)

OP: JESUS CHRISTO! ANSWER THE PHONE!

Me: I'm telling your mother.

OP: Go for it...I shall kill you.

Me.: You probably won't get the chance. The boyfriend will do it this weekend and bury me under the second tree from the right, down by the Chesapeake Bay.

OP: Eh, well, have fun while you can. What a great story it will be for me to tell though...

We were cracking up by this time, since we do literally sit about two feet apart.

We're such nerds. hehe

*Gossip Alert*

Here is what I heard from a reliable source:

A prominent professor at a prominent UK university (which shall remain unnamed), has allegedly been arrested for the alleged murder of his alleged wife. After a quick three second search of the BBC, it has been concluded that the press has not picked up on the story as of yet. You, my dear friends, are the first to know. Updates will be provided as they are available.

Don't you love knowing these things first?




;-)

Conversations With My Genetic Remnants

My kids. I love them. They drive me insane. I am only still free and wandering the streets because I want to make sure I am as much of a burden on them as I can possibly be when I get old(er) (HAHAHAHAAAAAA).

Anyway.

I was speaking to my daughter a couple of nights ago. She is getting married in 3 weeks, and I am trying to help out and send her money for the wedding. She called me asking when I was going to send the money, and I told her. I said I also had to send money to her brother as well, since his birthday is this next week. She said he could wait, her wedding was more important. I informed her that no, he could not wait.. it is his 16th birthday and he has plans for the money. She said, "But he's been such a dick lately! He doesn't deserve it!"

Okay.

Fast forward to the next day. My son called asked if I had sent his birthday money yet. I answered him and told him how much it was (because he asked and I'm cool that way). I told him I couldn't send more because I was helping his sister out with her wedding. He said his birthday was more important. I informed him that no, as important as his birthday is, her wedding is just as important. He said, "But she's been such a bitch lately! She doesn't deserve it!"

(You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not.. the conversations were almost word for word identical)

I informed them both that they needed to be nicer to each other.

They are so going to regret driving me crazy like this.

hehe

Dutifully Retracted

I have been asked to post a retraction. In my post about My Life as a Legal Assistant, I explained the presence of my cell phone on my desk in the following way:

Fig. 5 - My cell phone, waiting forlornly for the phone call that never comes - the phone call from my Prince Charming asking me to run away with him and escape the drudgery of my servitude. Or something like that.

It has now come to my attention that Prince Charming (a/k/a The Handsome JC) did not appreciate that part of my post, and has demanded that I post a retraction or he will no longer call me up on said cell phone. I believe that reaction is a bit extreme, and as I explained to him (after a few moments of fast thinking to come up with a good excuse), the picture was taken before he came along.

However, since he was offended by what I wrote there, I will retract it, and am now substituting the following description for Figure 5:

Fig. 5 - My cell phone, waiting patiently for the phone call from the Handsome JC so he can tell me how wonderful I am and that he is the luckiest Prince Charming in the world.

;-)

Useless Trivia

I tried to confirm these on Snopes, but the ones I looked up weren't there, so I'm taking that as a OMG THEY ARE TOTALLY TRUE sign.

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. ( Lucky pig!)

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. (I've seen this before, but nobody can tell me what it means - obviously a lung issue, but Merriam-Webster doesn't recognize it.)

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic. (100,000 points to anyone who can name the company....)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. (Ya hear that JC??)

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. (I bet Christmas was a nightmare at his house.)

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow. (Some of us girls are that way too.. HAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA...)

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. (Still thinking about that pig.....)

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. (EWWW)

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. (Jonas Grumby - what a cool name!)

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. (HAHAHAHA)

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. (If anyone knows any British pilots from WWII, ask them if this is true.)

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. (splat)

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." (snicker)

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (I learned this in the movie Boondock Saints.. the guy in the movie said maybe it should be called "rule of wrist.")

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork. (So many inappropriate comments, so little time......)

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. (AWWWW, baby armadillos are adorable. I want one!)

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas. (I never thought I'd be jealous of a pig...)

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." (JC? Ya getting this?)
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. (Sudden craving for bacon....)

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. (stupid pigs)

*Hysterical Giggling*

Sometimes The Chickens get it just right.

Have You Ever...

Gone along with your life, having adjusted to the changes, having made up your mind that what happened was for the best, when out of the blue the person who forced the changes on you is standing right in front of you?

I have. As a very good friend of mine said, yesterday was a day full of ghosts.

I was driving home from work yesterday with my radio blasting (it wasn't Bach this time though), when I pass the ex boyfriend (yes that one) walking down the side of the road.

Choice..... offer him a ride or continue on?

After 2 quick seconds of calculations, of thinking that my life is so much better these days, that I don't need to open that door again - I passed him and went on.

I know. It was just a ride. To everyone else.

More Work Stuff

Most days the things at work are fairly routine - and dare I say it - possibly even boring. But sometimes something crosses my desk that can't be ignored.

The following is an actual scan of a page from an actual Operations Manual from an actual company. This is page 2 of a list of events that should be reported to management:



Do you see anything a bit odd about this page?


HAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

The Life of a Legal Assistant

For 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, this desk is my universe. Sad but true. Note the aura of quiet desperation that surrounds it. The attempts to make it my personal space have miserably failed. (If you would like a better view, click on the picture. I've left it all big for you.)



Fig. 1 - Obviously this picture was taken at some point of time prior to St. Patrick's Day. Everyone in the office got one of these nifty head decorations. Mine is still up there, somehow precariously balanced on the lamp shade.

Fig. 2 - Photographs of my babies. The pictures have been buried amongst the rubble, but I know of their comforting presence.

Fig. 3 - Souvenir magnets. One is from Canada, and there are two from the Oklahoma City Zoo. If you will look closely, the giraffe magnet has slipped down below sea level, leaving only the shark. This has now been remedied, and the magnets were moved to a less precarious location.

Fig. 4 - My water bottle. I drink buckets of water. Enough water that the regular styrofoam cups provided by the office isn't enough. I need a bucket. Hence, the bucket.

Fig. 5 - My cell phone, waiting forlornly for the phone call that never comes - the phone call from my Prince Charming asking me to run away with him and escape the drudgery of my servitude. Or something like that.

Fig. 6 - My orchids. I LOVE orchids and they love me (obviously). They bloom like this for about 7 months of the year.

Fig. 7 - More orchids. I love them so they get two entries.

Fig. 8 - Air roots. These things creep me out. They used to come out and point directly at me, but I kept turning the pot. Now they have attached themselves to things and I can no longer turn the pot. When Prince Charming does sweep me away, I will have to leave my orchid behind, as it is now a part of the building.


That's it. Welcome to my world.

Okay

I know this is old and everybody has probably already seen it, but its new to me and I thought it was a scream, so I'm posting it for Mother's Day. Don't make fun of me for being behind the times.



And this one, just for a laugh. It doesn't have anything to do with Mother's Day, but his conversation with an insurance agent is pretty funny.

Mother's Day Weekend

Those of you who may have forgotten about this weekend being Mother's Day, I am posting a handy dandy link to online Mother's Day e-cards, courtesy of The Onion. Some examples of their sentimental favorites are:

Outside: Thank You Mom
Inside: For giving up your dreams, wants and needs to raise an ungrateful shit like me. Happy Mother's Day

Outside: Dear Mom: To me every day is Mother's Day
Inside: That's why you are getting this two weeks late. Happy Mother's Day

Click here to send your mom a special, one of a kind card.

After the hard work of choosing a special card for your mom on her special day, you can continue on and read the Women's Timeline. Better yet, I'll just post it here for your convenient review:

Women's History Timeline

For The Onion's salute to the Woman, our Advisory Board on Matters Pertaining to Women voted on the most important events in the history of the Woman and presented them in chronological order for easy reading, for women!

9000 BC – Stairs invented; Women provided with effective excuse for injuries sustained from abusive, alcoholic husbands.

220 BC – First woman ordered back to kitchen.

40 BC – Early obstetricians achieve a medical breakthrough with the discovery that women can give birth lying down instead of squatting over pointed rocks; infant mortality drops 75%

1450 – Johannes Gutenberg invents printing press, prints first unachievable female body type.

695 – Gills completely bred out of human female population.

1278 – Development of mirror reveals existence of vagina.

1431 – Joan of Arc, national heroine of France, revolutionizes the short hairstyle for women.

1839 – While cooking for her owners, Harriet Tubman expands a two–serving recipe into a four–serving recipe.

1920 – American women win right to be disenchanted with political process.

1941 – Joan Fontaine overcomes the gender barrier by becoming first woman to win an Academy Award for Best Actress.

1950 – Women largely ignored for a decade.

1952 – Women gain long overdue respect in workplace with the first observance of National Secretaries Week.

1953 – Female exhibitionists win long struggle to get Hugh Hefner to start Playboy.

1963 – Betty Friedan fucks her way to the top of the Modern Feminist Movement.

1982 – Home Shopping Network premieres.

1984 – Women in the workplace jump ahead 20 years when Mac's unveils the first power suit.

2004 – "The Rachel" finally goes out of style.

2007 – Scientists announce they're ten years away from an effective speculum warmer.

Have a good weekend! :-)

Answers to the Word Puzzles

1. Space Invaders (Get it? There's a space in vaders)
2. Ice Cube (Yeah okay, that one should have been easy.)
3. Toucan (Two can)
4. Tennis Shoe (Ten issue)
5. Neon Lights (Knee on lights)
6. Paradox (Pair of docs... get it? hahahahaha)
7. 3 Blind Mice (no i's)
8. Walk in the Park (easy)
9. Tuna Fish (Two Na Fish)
10. Ready for more (Red E Four More)

Word Puzzles

Back in the days of my domestication (before I went feral), I used to go for my yearly girl checkups at a doctor's office who thought it was their duty to distract you while THAT was being done to you. They would post things on the ceiling for you to look at while they did their thang. I went once and above my head were a bunch of word puzzles. The funny thing about it is that it worked - I was so intent on figuring out the puzzles that I barely paid any attention to what was being done to me at the other end of the table.

I have always loved word puzzles, and thought I would post a few here. I'll leave it for you guys to figure out. I'll post the answers tomorrow. ;-)

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

UFO-wtf-LOL

Yes, you read that right. UFO WTF LOL. I received an alert in an email that this thing is flying around causing havoc.

Now I am not normally such a skeptic (snort), but I must confess to being a tad unconvinced at the validity of this claim.

Apparently, the person who took the pictures is worried for his and his pregnant wife's health. (More pictures and the entire story found here.) I can't say I blame him with the worrying about his health thing. If I saw something like this above my head I would probably think it had given me cancer, as well.

Okay, maybe not. That was my stab at trying to be sympathetic to the guy's plight.

I can poke fun and be skeptical, but it has happened to me. One day I was sitting here in my apartment, minding my own business, when I got a knock on the door. I opened it up, there stood an alien intent on probing me.

Oh no wait... that was my ex boyfriend.

Nevermind.

I'm Famous

Yesterday I was at work (as is my habit), sitting at my desk, minding my own business, working on something extremely important, I'm pretty sure... when in walked a couple of friends of my office partner. I had never met them before, but had, of course, heard about them.

The office partner introduced me to her friends, I did my "hellohowareyaI'veheardtonsaboutyounicetomeetyou" thing. It was all polite and nice. Until one of the friends looked at me, then looked at my office partner.. then said....... "is this the one who did the emails???" We looked confused until she started gesturing at the lights, then it dawned on me, she was talking about the "bathroom" incident.

Yes. Yes that was me.

They both got a huge grin on their faces and started laughing. My office partner had blogged it on her MySpace page. They told me I was famous.

Anyone want my autograph?



P.S. The light thing is still ongoing, but at least potty monitor has decided to be a little more subtle about it. She waits until I'm out of the vicinity before she stomps in there to turn the light back on. I, of course, turn it off whenever I walk by. It's the least I can do.

Monday

Yes, as the title says, this is Monday. Again. I spent the entire weekend sick in bed. Oddly enough I feel fine this morning, so I have decided to have a Monday rant.

I was sick! The two days of the week that I don't have to work were spent sick and stuck in bed. Alone! And sleeping 90% of the time! I don't think that is fair at all and I demand a do over!

Okay. Rant over.

No. I'm not 12.

*whimper*

The South

Most of you know I live in Savannah. A beautiful city, but definitely in the deep south of the U.S. I moved here from Oklahoma, so the culture shock wasn't as acute as it might have been, but I thought I should post this handy guide to anyone who might be considering a move.

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to people moving to the South from The North or anywhere else.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it by someone.

2. Just because you are able to drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Best stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 3 men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Their names will be Billy Bob, Virgil,and Roy.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the location of local hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from 'round here, are you"?

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either. Yer even.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective; "big ol", as in: big ol truck, or big ol boy, big ol dog etc..

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse yet, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eatin.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December to git drug out.

14. If there is the prediction of, or the slightest chance of, or even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is expected at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're spos'ed to do.

15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is, in fact, a valid defense.

Who's On First

Shakespearean Insult Gum

I have found the perfect gift. I will love forever anyone who gets this for me. Its true. I would be yours forever. And NO, before you say it, that would NOT be a punishment dammit.


Get it here.

Quiz Time

I spotted this quiz over at Steve's Blog and thought I'd umm.. "borrow" it for this post, seeing as how I've got nothing useful to contribute today. I don't think I'm quite as intense as it makes me out to be, but the accepting help thing hits it on the head. I've been fussed at for that, actually.

Your Birthdate: October 28

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego. You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. Your strength: Your bold approach to life Your weakness: You don't accept help Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Pyramid Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

And this one, that seems to get it a little closer:

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hello

Yes. I have returned. Did you miss me? Not all that much I see, but that is okay. I love you anyway despite the lack of affection on your part. ;-)

I had a very nice weekend, seeing and doing things that I normally don't bother with. I was looking at Savannah through the eyes of a tourist, which I haven't done in 8 years. I also saw myself through the eyes of another person, which I haven't done in a while either. I seem to be a bit of an odd duck. We went to the bookstore and I bought Macbeth in paperback (yes, Shakespeare again), and I bought a huge leather bound volume of Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. It was gorgeous actually, but I was laughed at just a bit. Its okay. I embrace my weirdness.

Saturday afternoon was spent at Forsyth Park at the Sidewalk Art Festival. Basically, people enter a contest to draw on the sidewalk with chalk. I still don't know who won, but some of those chalk drawings were excellent. A lot of the people entering were students at SCAD (Savannah College of Art & Design). The talent is amazing.









This one reminds me of my ex boyfriend, for some strange reason.

This one I took for the handsome JC, who seems to have a pirate fetish. Whoever heard of such a thang?? (hehe)

After wading through the crowds (I think everyone in Savannah was at the park Saturday afternoon), and after listening to muttering in Russian (holy moley was that ever cool), we wandered over and found a table and listened to the live band play. The band was Florez, who impressed enough that both of their CDs were bought. If you get a chance to go see these guys, do it. You won't be disappointed.

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So there you have it.. or at least some of it.