Oh SHIT

If you are like me, you receive lots and lots (and lots and lots) of credit card applications in the mail. Also, if you are like me, you rip them in half before throwing them away. I always thought that was sufficient, until I read this.

Now what.. are we to be required to BURN our junk mail now for safety? If the companies aren't being careful about it, someone has to be.

I propose we just pop the blank applications back into their little pre-paid envelopes and mail them back to the companies. Let it be their problem. I think I'll start doing that.

Interrupted Threesome

PORT RICHEY - It was 8:20 a.m. Tuesday when a Port Richey police dispatcher got the call.

A resident on Sunset Boulevard reported seeing an injured dolphin near Harbor Pointe at channel marker 17, at the mouth of the Pithlachascotee River.

The animal was bleeding. Preparing for the worst, officials sprang into action.

The dispatcher called Florida Marine Patrol at 8:24.

A veterinarian from the Clearwater Marine Aquarium was called at 8:30

At 8:45, the Port Richey Police Department's marine unit arrived in wet suits and went down the river using two boats borrowed from a civilian.

At 9:15, the Port Richey Fire Department was called.

Police Sgt. David Brown said the scene "gave the appearance the other dolphins were trying to help by nosing, or pushing, the injured dolphin to the surface.

Closer inspection by veterinarian Janine Cianciolo told a different story: A female dolphin was surrounded by two male dolphins. She was bleeding because the trio had been horsing around.

The injury was minor, leading the Fire Department to cancel the call at 10:47.

"What looked like dolphin distress turned out to be a mating procedure," Brown said. "It wasn't a dolphin in distress call. It was a Mother Nature call. I'm sure the dolphins were saying, "Go away, leave us alone.' "

Council member Phyllis Grae, who lives nearby, said the dolphin behavior was something she has seen before.

"They love to mate on those waters," she said. "We see that a lot. I guess it's calm and serene."

Now tell me, and be honest... Am I the only one that has the urge to snicker like an adolescent over this story?

;-)

Email of the Day

Everyone has probably gotten this email at least once over the last few years, but I can't help it, everytime I get it in my email it makes me laugh.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is
taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

?!?!?!?!?

What the....?

Many Newfoundlanders aren't laughing over news an Edmonton police officer cited someone's status as a "newphie'' as a reason for apprehension under the Mental Health Act.

I'm torn between being offended and being amused. (Being half Newfie, get it?? *snort*)

Kid Stuff

I am a sucker when it comes to children's books. I tend to love em, even though my kids are too old for them anymore. They still catch my eye when I'm in the bookstore.

I found a list of The Best Selling Children's Books of All Time. I only listed the top 100 here, and have put the ones I've read in bold. Seems I still have a lot of reading to do. ;-)

1. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White; illustrated by Garth Williams (1974)

2. The Outsiders, S. E. Hinton (1968)

3. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Judy Blume (1976)

4. Love You Forever, Robert Munsch; illustrated by Sheila McGraw (1986)

5. Where the Red Fern Grows, Wilson Rawls (1973)

6. Island of the Blue Dolphins, Scott O'Dell (1971)

7. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, J. K. Rowling (1999)

8. Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, Judy Blume (1972)

9. Shane, Jack Schaeffer (1972)

10. The Indian in the Cupboard, Lynne Reid Banks (1982)

11. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (1974)

12. Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

13. Little House in the Big Woods, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

14. The Incredible Journey, Sheila Burnford (1984)

15. The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1968)

16. Johnny Tremain, Esther Forbes (1969)

17. Just Me and My Dad, Mercer Mayer (1977)

18. Go Ask Alice, Anonymous (1976)

19. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. J. K. Rowling (2000)

20. Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great, Judy Blume (1976)

21. Blubber, Judy Blume (1976)

22. The Witch of Blackbird Pond, Elizabeth George Speare (1972)

23. Superfudge, Judy Blume (1981)

24. Bridge to Terabithia, Katherine Paterson (1987)

25. Freckle Juice, Judy Blume (1978)

26. On the Banks of Plum Creek, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

27. That Was Then, This Is Now, S. E. Hinton (1972)

28. Sideways Stories from Wayside School, Louis Sachar (1985)

29. The Catcher in the Rye, J. D. Salinger (1951) (This is a kid's book??)

30. Farmer Boy, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

31. Just Go to Bed, Mercer Mayer (1993)

32. Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak (1984)

33. Goodnight Moon, Margaret Wise Brown; illustrated by Clement Hurd (1977)

34. The Long Winter, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

35. The Berenstain Bears' New Baby, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1974)

36. By the Shores of Silver Lake, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

37. Little Town on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

38. The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1983)

39. The Pigman, Paul Zindel (1978)

40. The Yearling, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings (1961)

41. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, E. L. Konigsburg (1973)

42. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad, Mercer Mayer (1982)

43. Just Grandma and Me, Mercer Mayer (1975)

44. Just for You, Mercer Mayer (1975)

45. Sarah, Plain and Tall, Patricia MacLachlan (1987)

46. When the Legends Die, Hal Borland (1984)

47. Bunnicula, James Howe (1980)

48. James and the Giant Peach, Roald Dahl; illustrated by Nancy Burkert (1988)

49. The Berenstain Bears Go to School, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1978)

50. The Night Before Christmas, Clement Hurd; illustrated by Douglas Gorsline (1975)

51. These Happy Golden Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

52. All By Myself, Mercer Mayer (1983)

53. Stuart Little, E. B. White; illustrated by Garth Williams (1974)

54. The First Four Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder; illustrated by Garth Williams (1971)

55. Hatchet, Gary Paulsen (1988)

56. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Barbara Robinson (1979)

57. The Cay, Theodore Taylor (1970)

58. Kristy's Great Idea (Babysitters Club #1), Ann M. Martin (1986)

59. The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1985)

60. Then Again, Maybe I Won't, Judy Blume (1973)

61. I Was So Mad, Mercer Mayer (1983)

62. Berenstain Bears Meet Santa Bear, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1984)

63. The Giver, Lois Lowry (1994)

64. The Berenstain Bears and Too Much TV, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1984)

65. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl (1988)

66. The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1985)

67. The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1985)

68. Julie of the Wolves, Jean Craighead George (1974)

69. The Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1981)

70. The Berenstain Bears and the Truth, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1983)

71. Gremlins, George Jipe (1984) OP

72. Stone Fox, John Gardner; illustrated by Marcia Sewall (1983)

73. I Just Forgot, Mercer Mayer (1988)

74. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Judith Viorst, illustrated by Ray Cruz (1976)

75. How to Eat Fried Worms, Thomas Rockwell (1975)

76. The Mouse and the Motorcycle, Beverly Cleary (1980)

77. When I Get Bigger, Mercer Mayer (1983)

78. The Berenstain Bears in the Dark, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1982)

79. 500 Words to Grow On, Harry McNaught (1973)

80. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry, Mildred Taylor (1984)

81. Merry Christmas, Amelia Bedelia, Peggy Parish; illustrated by Lynn Sweat (1987)

82. Number the Stars, Lois Lowry (1990)

83. The Trumpet of the Swan, E. B. White; illustrated by Edward Frascino (1973)

84. The Cricket in Times Square, George Selden; illustrated by Garth Williams (1970)

85. Misty of Chincoteague, Marguerite Henry (1956)

86. It's Not What You Expect, Norma Klein (1976) OP

87. Matilda, Roald Dahl; illustrated by Quentin Blake (1990)

88. The New Baby, Mercer Mayer (1983)

89. The Chocolate Touch, Patrick Catling (1984)

90. Corduroy, Don Freeman (1976)

91 The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis (1970)

92. The Berenstain Bears Go to the Doctor, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1981)

93. The Berenstain Bears Get in a Fight, Stan and Jan Berenstain (1982)

94. Sounder, William H. Armstrong (1972)

95. The Return of the Indian, Lynne Reid Banks (1987)

96. The Kitten Book, Jan Pfloog (1968)

97. Dinosaurs, Peter Zallinger (1977)

98. Wee Sing Children's Songs and Fingerplays (1977)

99. The Truck Book, Harry McNaught (1978)

100. Barney's Hats (1993)

Nuff Said

There is no possible way to improve or enhance this story. The last line is the one that got me.

Dog Chows Down On Man's Penis

March 10, 2006 12:35 p.m. EST


Ayinde O. Chase - All Headline News Staff Writer

Dueren, Germany (AHN) - A German man playing with his brother's Jack Russell is rushed to the hospital after the dog chomped on the his penis.

Daniel Dietmaier says the dog nearly bit it off after his brother's girlfriend told it to "attack" as a joke.

Following his visit to the hospital, Dietmaier is seeking substantial damages, alleging the woman did not even help him as he lay on the floor writhing in agony after beating off the dog.

Her reason for not helping- she fell to the floor laughing.

MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Don't mess with me baby.

I've been having problems with a person here at work. I have accepted their abuse with a smile (mostly) and have lulled them into a false sense of security. They think they have my neck under their feet, but anyone that knows me at all knows that I carry very large grudges. I like everyone, until they give me a reason not to.

That person has now made themselves out to be a complete idiot in front of their boss. (With my seemingly innocently assistance, of course.)

Life is good. hehe

Yes I know.

I have been slack lately. I have discovered the joys of internet tv and have been a couch potato. Yes I admit it.

I have, however, run across this article about how some people, mostly teenagers and young adults, are putting too much information online and are now being forced to face the consequences for what they've posted. I think it draws a fine line between censorship and freedom of speech, and I'm not exactly sure which side I come down on yet. Granted, having a daughter that age, I can see her assuming that anyone who really matters is not going to see her My Space page (considering that even I don't know what the address for it is, and prefer it that way). But then there are also the arguments for showing some common sense and realizing that they don't live in a box, that their page IS going to be seen, occasionally by people they aren't expecting, and that maybe they shouldn't be stupid enough to post something that could get them in trouble.

I'd be interested to know what you think about this topic.

Coming soon, to a seafood restaurant near you......

Yummy.

Important News

It has been brought to my attention that there are odd happenings going on in the world, to which I was heretofore unaware. It is, needless to say, shocking, to say the least, and I suspect due to out of control global warming. I feel it is my duty to help spread awareness.

Please Read This. It may be the most important thing you will read all week.

Daily Horoscope

If anyone can convince someone else do try something, because just deciding to go for it is more than half the battle....well, let's face it, it's you. That's going to go double now. Your quest is to use this amazing skill only on those who have used it on lesser beings themselves with little or no conscience about it, or on someone who appreciates skill and technique in this department so much that they'll actually get a kick out of it.

I was just doing this to boss #2 regarding something at work. Let's see if I will win, shall we? ;-)

Strange Days

I am fighting some oddness in my life at the moment. I think I waited too long to make plans, and now the fog of an epic depression is descending upon my head.

So, in honor of my epic depression, I am going to post occasional plans and see if they seem feasible. Next year, when my son turns 16, he and I have made a promise to go skydiving for his 16th birthday. That is on down the road though, a bit too far into the future to look forward to. Around December I'll start getting geared up (and very afraid).

My goal for this week is to get my passport. Yeah, I'll start with that.

Geek Humor

In these days of everything having warning labels, I've come across a page of scientific warning labels that might come in handy someday.

WARNING
This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING
This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE
This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

ADVISORY
There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE
According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT
In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW
Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION
Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER
The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE
Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS
The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

I confess to posting only the ones that I somewhat understood. There are a few more, found here. Enjoy!

I know you have often thought.....

She'd be dangerous if she were on broadband.

Well now I am, so look out. I was on cable internet for quite a while, but the bug of frugalness struck me and I dropped it about a year ago. Since that time I have been on extremely cheap dial up (can you say $4.95 a month). It did okay for what I needed.

But now I'm on Bellsouth's Extreme DSL (yeah baby, 10 MB download in 19 seconds, that was way cool).

The only problem with it is that it is considerably more expensive than my $4.95 a month dial up.

I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it, considering my cheap ass ways (she wonders, detachedly).

The Fog of Idiots pretending to be important.

New Orleans mayor expresses "sinking feeling" about Katrina video

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin says he has a "sinking feeling" after seeing video of President Bush and key administration officials being warned of the catastrophic damage Hurricane Katrina could produce.

The videotape, obtained by The Associated Press, shows Bush and top officials were warned that the storm could breach levees, put lives at risk in New Orleans' Superdome and overwhelm rescuers.

Nagin, who watched the tape on a reporters' camera, recalled that federal officials blamed a "learning curve" for their slow response. But Nagin says the officials were apparently "fully aware."

Homeland Security officials have said the "fog of war" blinded them early on to the magnitude of the disaster.

Former FEMA Director Michael Brown blames what he calls "a fog of bureaucracy."

Here we go again. Let's blame the president for the weather. Idiots. Seems to me the actual MAYOR of the actual town that sustained the actual damage would be more in a position to know whether his town's levees are going to hold or not.

But then again, this is the mayor who wants his town to be "chocolate" at the end of the day.

Typical. Just typical.

Devoted husband wary of job offer

The Tribune-Democrat PAINT —

A company that fired a 13-year employee as his wife lay dying of brain cancer said Wednesday it has offered him his job back – with back pay.

But Bernard Chippie, a sales representative for carpet-cleaning company Rug Doctor, said he isn’t sure if the offer is valid – or if he’d take it if it were.

“I don’t think the offer is one of compassion. They’re afraid of what I might do (a lawsuit),” he said .

“They said the owner of the company would call me, but he hasn’t yet,” he said Wednesday evening. “I don’t know whether I would take it or not.”

One qualm would be the fear he could lose unemployment benefits if he didn’t take the job.

And while he hasn’t had any other job offers since the story broke in Wednesday’s Tribune-Democrat, he has had plenty of media interest. He said he has received calls from Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and Dallas.

Chippie said he notified his employer Feb. 13 that he would not be able to finish his weekly route because he had just learned his wife had between two days and a week to live.

“There was never a question of where I needed to be,” Chippie said. He went to Kathleen Chippie’s bedside at a hospice that day.

Three days later – a Thursday – his boss at Rug Doctor LP demanded that Chippie be at work the next day, Chippie said. He said he couldn’t and was fired, he said.

Kathleen Chippie died that Sunday at age 56.

On Wednesday, Plano, Texas-based Rug Doctor issued a statement saying that Chippie’s firing three days before his wife’s death was “unfortunate.” The company also said there would be no break in seniority if he took his job back.

“We believed this was the appropriate thing to do and look forward to him rejoining our organization with a new beginning,” the statement said.

Previously, company spokesman Jeffrey Rawlings said Rug Doctor went out of its way to accommodate Chippie, who was off many days in the months leading up to his wife’s death. Rawlings had said Chippie used all his vacation, sick days and unpaid leave well before Feb. 13.

Chippie said he was never off more than three days straight and that he had some vacation left.

The sad thing about this is that we all know good and well that this company would not have backed down on this if the media hadn't gotten hold of the story. They know it shows them for the heartless bastards that they are. All the groveling in the world won't change what they have shown themselves to be. I don't think the guy should go back, but that is just my opinion.

Email of the Day

It's not quite St. Patty's Day yet, but just to get ye warmed up

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? why'd ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad.... I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad.... As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... An invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... A prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus!.... Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a big hug!"

ha ha ha ha hahaaaaaaaaa he he he he

Another Online Quiz

I realize I take these things just to kill time, but they are sort of interesting. I took one that is quizzing whether or not I'm normal (shaddup)... here are the results:

Are You Normal?

Your Normalcy Quotient is: 71 out of 100.

Your quiz results make you a Quirky Character

You've found yourself mostly in the middle of the road, but you have enough quirky habits to not be entirely normal. You're probably glad to be more than ordinary, but you're normal enough to fit in. Sounds like a perfect balance.

Take this free personality test by Clicking Here>> or going to www.chatterbean.com/runormal/

Today's Horoscope

Getting close to someone is infinitely more difficult when you're smart enough to know what real intimacy involves -- and no sign knows like yours does. But even though you're quite familiar with all the highs and lows of intimate relationships, you're about to opt to take the chance again. Let's hope the lucky contestant knows what a huge compliment this is.

Yup.. that's me you see running and screaming for the hills......

Scary Story

I tend to go in cycles of being either a news junkie or an ostrich who prefers to not know. At the moment I'm in news junkie mode, but this story stunned me. I almost wish I had stayed in ostrich mode.

Oh the humanity.