She's Baaaaaaaaaack

I arrived home last night at about 10:30, after driving for 19 hours. Yes. N I N E T E E N fucking hours. That is torture and I don't want to do it anymore. When I called the few I needed to call to let them know I made it home, the reaction I most often got was, "You're home already??" I wanted to yell at them and ask them do they not understand the significance of driving in a car, stopping only for gasoline, for 19 long hours. I was talking to myself by the time I got home. I was holding conversations with someone who wasn't there.

Nineteen hours is a full month (minus one day) of lunch breaks at work.

I'm tired, but I wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you who kept up with the limited posts and encouraged me not to kill my ex husband while I was away.

ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou

Apologies to anyone I left out, and I promise to post something extremely witty and shockingly entertaining later.

Holy Moley

You would NOT believe the bullshit going on in this itty bitty town this week. I remember now why I ran away to Savannah after my divorce. Have I mentioned lately that I can't stand my ex husband? Just in case I haven't, there it is... I can't stand him. But on the bright side, he has given me blog fodder for the next 6 months. This blogging thing is better than talking to a psychiatrist. ;-)

I haven't been posting much because my parents' computer is slow and they are on dial up. I run out of patience before I am even logged on, that and the fact that I am never, ever alone. My creativity has been stifled.

Other than the ex issues, the visit has been pretty okay. He thinks I am the bitch from hell, but he has no idea that I am barely refraining from strangling him with my bare hands. I think I'm doing pretty good.

Okay, I'm off to take my kid clothes shopping. This should be interesting.....

Later Gators

OKC

I am, at this very moment, at The Fitness Nazi's house in Oklahoma City. We are about to go to Lowe's for a gift card for my ex husband (from my son, not me), and then go find a place to eat some lunch.

I have already this morning greatly pissed off the ex husband, when he informed my mother that he was taking my brother to a hockey game tomorrow night, his one and only night in town. I told him no way, that I have seen my brother for 10 minutes in the past year and he's NOT removing him to a hockey game on our one and only night to see each other. The ex husband stormed out of the house. Bastard.

Anyway, Christmas with the family (and ex family). There are always issues, aren't there.

Conway, Arkansas

I gave up last night and stopped at a hotel. A hotel with a king size bed. A hotel with a king size bed and cable TV. A hotel with a king size bed, cable TV and a jacuzzi.

Do squatters' rights apply to hotel rooms?

*Insert picture of myself being dragged from the room by the police*

Christmas Prezzies

My gift list for this year:

1. The Onion- Embedded in America, News Archives. My favorite present ever, I think. I was skimming the headlines at work and could not stop laughing. I am taking this with me to keep myself entertained in the quiet moments.

2. A $100 gift card. Yeah baby.

3. A food basket full of chocolates.. and a random package of smoked salmon and jar of mustard:


I'm taking this to my mom.

4. A big box of peanuts. My dad will love them.

5. A jar of homemade fudge that is absolutely the best fudge ever.

6. A Starbucks mug and a Starbucks gift set.. coffee and cookies and stuff. Yummy.

7. A flower pot for one of my orchids. (That reminds me, I forgot to water my plants before I left work, hang on while I email a friend to do it for me.)

8. A huge box of brownies from the local candy store. Those brownies are an inch thick, I swear to God, and frosted, and covered in nuts. Absolutely sublime. They would be perfect for an after sex snack, or even an instead of sex snack, that is how good they are.

9. A 5 pound can of tuna. No shit. Five. Fucking. Pounds. Of. Tuna. Obviously a joke gift but my gawd!

That's it. My car is gassed up and I have my energy drinks bought. I am going to go sleep for a bit now and then I will be off. Those of you that have my cell phone number (and you know who you are), call me tomorrow to help break up the monotony. I fear I will die of boredom.

I will post when I can.

Aloha

Oy

It's That Time (Almost)

This is it. My last day. Tonight I will be leaving for my long, long, long long lonnnnnnng drive to Oklahoma. That drive takes me 18 hours. I will be worthless when I arrive there and worthless when I get home from there, but in between, LOOK OUT. hehe

I won't be posting much because i) my parents rarely leave me alone long enough to be able to post; and ii) I will be on the go for most of the time I'm there. I will post when I can, but here is a warning for Odat:

I'm going to the zoo again while I am there and I am taking my camera.

I will probably be posting tonight so I can list all my prezzies from the bosses (I hope they give me lots of alcoholic refreshment, like they did last year. hehe), but I will be leaving shortly after.


This should hold you over until I can post again. ;-)

Have a very wonderful Christmas everybody.

Email of the Day

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

An Oldie

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal, while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A.: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal?

Huh?

My bestest blog buddy Sassan has posted a joke that he called, "The Funniest Joke in the World."

But I don't get it.

I hate not getting jokes. Help.

Have You Ever.....

...gone along at an even keel, everything is okay, nothing major going on to shake things up, but then suddenly

BOOM!

You wake up one morning and all the losses, mistakes, stupid moves and regrets of the last few years have fallen on your head and you feel them all, every one, as if they only just happened?





Neither have I.

I SO Need a USB Toaster

These are great. If I weren't so ummm "frugal," I would have gotten these to wrap Christmas gifts in.

Salt of the Month Club. Brilliant.

Build Your Own Umbrella. Hilarious.

Bleh

This is it. The week I dread all year long. I know, that sound unusually scroogish of me and completely against my normally upbeat demeanor. I am on the final countdown, four days until I get to make that long long, long long long.... extremely lonnnnnnng drive to Oklahoma. Eighteen hours in a car, just me and my dog. Then a few days later I get to do it again to come back home. Sounds fun, does it not?

Not.

I have my Christmas shopping done (more or less), I just found out my brother is bringing his new girlfriend for Christmas, so I have to go get something for her. Bleh.

Scrooge is my hero.

Quiz Time (A Sure Sign of an Inspirationless Life)

Your life is 28% crappy!

You have a pretty good life. There might be areas you'd like to improve, but overall, life's pretty sweet.

How crappy is your life?
Quizzes for MySpace

Inspirational Moment

Please pause for a moment and listen to this spiritual song. It is for the good of your soul.

Sorry, your browser doesn't support the embedding of multimedia.

(Patience is a virtue, it takes a minute for it to load.)

Perceptions

I was just over at The CEO's blog and he was talking about what we think other bloggers look like. I just want to say this:

I have a video featuring the world famous Odat, taken this past August, and I am accepting bribes.

Also, Mark has posted a picture of him (well, the back of his head anyway) and The Curmudgeon.

I still find it odd that bloggers look so deceptively normal.

Last Year

I was sitting here in my mouse-free apartment (so far so good anyway), trying to think of things that have changed since last Christmas. There are a few differences.

Last Christmas I was still holding on to a relationship that was all but dead.

Last Christmas the only ones that read my blog were Sassan and Markoos. These days neither of them post as much as I'd like them to.

Last Christmas my daughter had just moved from Savannah back to Oklahoma.

I'm still at the same job, still in the same apartment, still have the same dog, still have the same kids. My daughter now lives in Seattle, my ex husband is marrying a woman who apparently looks like me, has the same first name as me, and as was recently discovered, we even have some of the same relatives. The fact that my ex husband is a freak has not changed since last year.

Last Christmas I had not been out of the U.S. This year I have passport stamps and I'm very proud of them. ;-)

Last Christmas I drove a granny car that I loved.. this year I drive a piece of shit Lancer that I hate. (I also get weird looks if I tell anyone around here that I drive a Lancer. Apparently only 18 year old guys who like to race are allowed to drive those.)

Last Christmas I was a year younger. This year I'm a year older.

Last Christmas things were a little different, but not much.

(How's that for coming up with an entire post about nothing at all? hehe)

Monday Morning

This had me in stitches. What a great way to start a Monday. :-)

Why

I seem to have become jaded in the last year. I have a hard time seeing the good in people these days, mostly what I see is people using each other to get what they want, people doing whatever it takes to get something for nothing, people suing anyone who looks at them sideways in an effort to pad their bank account. When I do start to see the good in someone, they do something to completely prove my point, which disappoints me beyond all description.

Whatever happened to people just being who they are? Is it that impossible to get ahead in this life without stepping on and hurting someone else to get there, and if the only way to get there is to hurt someone, is it worth doing? Has everyone seemed to have forgotten that behind those faces that they kick in to fuel their own agendas, is a real, live person with real, live feelings?

Enough already.

This past year has not been pleasant, and it seems to be going downhill from there.

And don't even get me started on the old cliches about how we make our own happiness, etc. That's bullshit. Making our own happiness is all well and good until someone comes along to beat us down, for no other reason than its because they CAN. I realize now that nobody is going to care about how I feel about things, with very few rare exceptions.

Yup. I have had enough.

Email of the Day

I liked this a lot.


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Morning Randomness

I made that banner a long time ago and can't remember where I made it at. Probably the credit in the corner is a hint. ;-)

******

I still have a mouse, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have never had to deal with this sort of thing without a husband to carry the dead mouse out for me. I informed my boss yesterday that if I kill it in a trap, I was going to phone him up and flat refuse to come to work until he comes over and gets rid of the mouse brains on my floor.

******

Remember the Lite Bright? I spent countless hours when I was a kid, creating wondrous works of art on mine. I loved it and got one yesterday for one of the angel kids that I'm buying for. I am pretty sure he will hate it because it isn't videogame related and/or cool, but I don't care. He's getting it and he's going to like it dammit. I found this site, if you (like me) still like them.

******

My daughter phoned me last night from Seattle. She asked was she supposed to leave if the fire alarm was going. YES get out of there! But no, she was in the middle of her game of Warcraft, and as soon as the fire trucks get there she will vacate.

That's my girl.

Thank God when the fire trucks got there they went to another building in their complex. Geesh.

******



My office partner and I got the above rubber stamp collection for our bosses for Christmas. I think they will come in handy.

******

Okay, I got distracted there by reading old emails. Some of them are REALLY old and should be deleted I guess. Maybe I'll do that tonight. In the meantime, I have my bottle of Sangria, and I think when I get home I'll add whatever it is that is supposed to be added to it, and enjoy it tonight. It is supposed to be painfully cold today, so my plans are: 1) work cuz I hafta; 2) after work, come home and light a fire in the fireplace; 3) drink sangria and possibly cook my stuffed peppers, but since there is a mouse living under my stove that doesn't sound very nice; 4) drink sangria and delete old sentimental emails that I have held on to for years; 5) drink sangria and watch Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest; 6) drink sangria.

That is my Friday night plan. Sounds fun eh? I know you are jealous.
;-)

******

That is all of the randomness for today. I think I'll go have a nice hot bath before work.

Shhhh

If you are bored at work but you don't want the mess of making an actual paper snowflake (personally I think the mess it makes is part of the fun), here is a site that will entertain you:

Make a Flake

Its actually fun, making all the snips and seeing what it does. I was going to include the one I made but Blogger seems to have decided it was jealous of my artistic abilities and wouldn't let me upload it. You will just have to use your imagination, but take my word for it, it was amazingly beautiful.

;-)

New Blog

While reading Mrs. Joseph's blog I stumbled across an interesting new blog called The World From My Point of View. Dave's profile is what caught my attention at the start:

I am great. Read my blog for more of my greatness. I had to blur my picture up so my greatness won't blind you.

It cracked me up.

His posts also cracked me up (but don't tell him that, he might be offended). I told him I wanted to continue to read his blog so as to soak up the gloriousness of his being. He has graciously allowed my continued soaking.

The only thing is he doesn't post often enough. Maybe if he knows we're looking he'll rectify that.

;-)

Oh The Weather Outside Is...........

Lovely. But I'm still, somehow, after many long years of Scroogeness, feeling the Christmas Spirit again. I'm sure it will pass. But until then:



I also had a Christmas gift from Maker's Mark when I got home. I can't wait to try it out.

;-)

OH Shit

Elvira has tracked me down. I woke up this morning to find a pile of sharp instruments on the floor of my kitchen. A nail, a needle and two push pins. I think she left that as a message to me that she is on to me and knows that I have reported on her treachery, either that or its meant as a little mousey curse. Jake knows where she's getting in at, I just know it. I just hope he's not in on it.

And the "OH Shit" title? Yep, there was some of that too.

Elvira is going to have a fight on her hands. I know what she did to Stewart and Bucky. She will not get away with it.

Christmas Fun

My kids are grown... well, the youngest is 15 and isn't all that fun to shop for Christmas gifts anymore. Give him money and he's a happy camper.

So this year, as with last year, I have adopted a child from Salvation Army. We're given a list with their names, age and sizes, and asked to buy Christmas presents for them. I am having a ball doing that.

Boss #1 has also adopted a child, but given me the responsibility of buying for her (a 2 year old girl), and the ex Boss #2 has adopted three (count em 3!) and has also asked me to do the shopping for them. So I have 5 small kids to shop for and I'm having a ball. I tend to go for the loud toys, the ones I know the parents wouldn't want to buy them. I found a remote control car the other day that played low rider music while it bounced up and down. Pure culture I tell ya. I also hit the Macy's sale and got them all coats.

The deadline is December 11 and I still have some shopping to do. When I have grandkids I am going to be completely out of control, I can just tell. hehe

OMG

The weather is absolutely perfect for me... rainy and cold. I opened the patio door just a bit and I have built a fire in the fireplace.

I love it. ;-)

A Survey

Two friends of mine, one a lesbian, the other a world reknowned scientist, are in the midst of a debate regarding the following:

One says that sushi - specifically salmon - has the texture and the "bouquet" of labia. The lesbian says no way, the scientist says way.

Since I have had neither I can't be a good judge, so I am forced to bring this scientific study to you for your unbiased opinion.

What do you think?

*Update*

We have an official vote for Eel from The CEO.

HA HAHAHAHAHAAAA

My 30 Seconds of Summer video got a You Tube honor. How cool is that???

Ok I know it was an obscure honor, but I like it anyway. :-)

Happy Friday!

Today has been a pretty good day. I heard from a friend that I thought I had lost track of, and I found out my rent wasn't going to be raised after all. It was about 70 degrees here today and rainy, my perfect sort of day. The only thing that would have been better would have been if it had stormed as well.

I do feel for you guys who are sitting in snow, or waiting for the snow to hit. In your honor, I am including the following:



30 Seconds of Summer - Enjoy.

;-)

Confound it, the batteries are dead!

Yesterday's quote, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb," was of course a quote from Batman, in Batman The Movie. It was obscure enough that I pretty much knew that anyone that got it right looked it up. I know, that was playing dirty. But on the other hand, I get to keep the points and use them at Christmas. Bonus!

I bought this movie last week at the Walmart Black Friday sale for $3.44. I remembered seeing this as a kid and had to have it. The funny thing is I haven't seen it since I was a kid, and some of the jokes are truly funny, and would have been over my head at that time. They were genius with obscure clues to a crime. Example: "It happened at sea...... C? C for Catwoman!"

Things I have learned from Batman:

1. If ever I would like to be anonymous, all I have to do is put a mask over my eyes and give myself an exotic new name, and none of my friends, family or co-workers will recognize me.

2. Life is so much easier when everything is clearly labeled.

3. Even Batman can be distracted with hints of sex, and doesn't get it in the end anyway.

4. Even bad guys have a mother, every one.