Happy New Year- Help me

The Dallas airport sucks donkey dicks. Apologies for any offended sensibilities, but it does. Here I sit, waiting for my flight and listening to the blissfully in love married couple who are sitting next to me argue. Love is grand, isn't it? I still don't like blogging via cell phone. I'll be home soon. I hope.

Oklahoma is Burning

Fires everywhere, all around us. OMG we're all going to die!!!

Okay Okay, its not THAT bad. In fact, I've not even seen any smoke, but from the sounds of it the fires are pretty bad and are expected to get worse on New Years Day.

My dad, who is a panicker, is already planning their escape route.

I'll be back home in Georgia by then, so I'll just have to watch helplessly from a distance as my mother, in her infinite wisdom, refrains yet again from killing my dad when his back is turned.

Okie dokie, I'm off for the day. See ya later.

Something new

This is a new experience for me, blogging from my cell phone. Just so you know, l have had no time alone until now to update, and doing it via cell phone is immensely unsatisfying. Shaddup about the typos. The zoo pics turned out great. Too bad you can't see them until i get home. I could sure abuse a cigarette right now.

Nice!

Its going to be 70 degrees today. We're going to the zoo if I can ever get my slacker brother to get out of bed.

Pics to follow. :)

More Wine

White Goat Wine. Another Christmas gift. Sounds tasty doesn't it.

To All My Dear Dear Blog Friends

I truly mean that too. Merry Christmas to Everyone!!!

ahhhhhh

Have you ever gotten home at the end of a very hectic day, and swore that when you sat down and took your shoes off you could hear the tsssssssssssssssss sound of the steam being released.

Neither have I.

But I am home at the end of a very hectic day, and I haven't taken my shoes off yet. Blog first. I have my priorities right. I couldn't get the receptionist to tell Boss #2 that I had broken my leg, although I did get him almost as good when he called to make sure I had started the project, and I told him I had a few things come up and that I would be starting really soon, I promise. hehe

It turned out to be a not so bad day. Everyone in the office left for the day at noon except Boss #1 and Boss #2, and me because I was Very Very Busy, but I had two attorneys at my beck and call (which I loved). I mentioned to Boss #1 that I needed a caffeine hit and there were no cokes in the fridge, oh well I'd do without. Next thing I knew he brought me a coke. What service I tell ya. Boss #2 brings me a $100 gift card for the local mall (to go along with the $50 one that I already had gotten from Boss #1). They have spoiled me this year.

I should have asked for a back rub and a soft pillow, too.

Ummmmm.....

I should be getting ready for work, but for the life of me I can't figure out why I'm not.

I've decided that today will be "Mess with Boss #2 Day." He has a very very long, very very important document that has to be filed with the court today. He swears I'm the only one he trusts enough to do it right (uh huh, he's just trying to flatter me so I'll do it). Anyway, I have decided that when I get there I am going to have the receptionist tell him when he calls in to check on me (and I know he will) I have broken my leg and can't make it in to work. Hilarity will ensue.

hehehe

Oh the weather outside is frightful.....

Okay its just cold. 24 Degrees! That's freezing for this part of my world.

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to fly to my folk's place. They don't know I'm coming. I had told everyone I couldn't make it this year, but the closer Christmas got the more depressed I got, so I decided on Tuesday that I would go. I'm meeting my brother in Dallas and I'm riding up with him. It should be interesting anyway since for the last two weeks every time I would talk to my mom & dad they would say that they wished I was going to be there for Christmas. hehe

I will continue my quest for blog perfection while I'm there, but it will be few and far between since getting any private computer time at all takes me being awake at 3:00 a.m.

Even checking email is risky business, here is a typical conversation:

Mom walking by: Who is that email from?
Me: A friend, Mom.
Mom stopping and looking at my email list: Where did you meet that person and what kind of name is that are they a pervert??
Me: No mom he's a system analyst for Microsoft.
Mom: That doesn't mean he's not a pervert, he could be a rapist or a murderer, he just wants one thing from you.
Me: Mom he's married and has 14 kids!
Mom, finally walking away: What and you think that means anything these days??

Yup, that would be me, sitting there looking all befuddled and wondering why I thought I was going to miss this.

The good news is that now my daughter is 20 and I make her have the same reaction, and it just struck me that I do it on purpose just to aggravate her. I wonder if my mother does it on purpose too. hmmm. That would change the entire nature of our relationship, as well as the previous conversation, which would go more like this:

Mom, sneaking up without me noticing: Who is that email from?
Me: A friend, Mom.
Mom stopping and looking at my email list, snickering to herself, knowing that I'm getting irritated: Where did you meet that person and what kind of name is that are they a pervert??
Me: No mom he's a system analyst for Microsoft.
Mom, secretly laughing and wishing my dad were inside so that he could witness her brilliance: That doesn't mean he's not a pervert, he could be a rapist or a murderer, he just wants one thing from you.
Me: Mom he's married and has 14 kids!
Mom, finally walking away, triumphant in her victory: What and you think that means anything these days??

I'm going to have to keep a close eye on her.

I got this for Christmas today. I mostly drink white wine, if I drink anything at all, but I'll give it a try. Every merlot I've tried before has been too dry and bitter. Maybe this one will be better.

Ho Ho Ho

Today was the Christmas party at work. I have been unusually Scroogish this year, but I have to admit that we do have a good time, and I came home with a helluva haul. Presents from Boss #1: DVD of Eating Raoul. I've never seen it but he's been telling me for ages that I need to rent it. DVD of a collection of B horror movies called Garden of the Dead Zombie Collection. Boss #1 knows I love those old B movies. He also got for me a $50 gift card from the local mall, yeahhh baby.

Boss #2 got me a HUMONGOUS, GIGANTIC and even HUGE food basket full of really cool chocolate stuff, Godiva chocolates and Ghirardelli chocolates, biscotti, (and oddly a package of smoked salmon that seemed really out of place), among other things. He also got me a gift box from Hickory Farms. And a giant tin of chocolate gourmet cookies, and a bottle of wine with which to wash it all down with. I think he must have decided I look hungry.

One of the other attorneys in the office gave me a big box of peanuts.

And another a package of cookies.

And another a coffee cup with chocolates in it.

From one of the other assistants in the office I got a package of cookies from her mom, some bath goodies and a nice smelly candle.

What I figured out from these gifts is that the people I work with think am warped, I smell funny and that I am on the verge of starvation.

David Letterman, Sexy God of Love

This article describes the very thing that Brad Pitt has been putting me through since June 19, 1997. He told me (in coded body language) that the only way he can survive the torment that is his life is by knowing that he and I will eventually be together. I answered him (in coded body language) that he's just too ugly for me, but if he comes around maybe I could learn to love him for him enough that I would stop being rupulsed by his looks.

I tried to watch the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but the "mental harrassment" went on all the way through the movie, even though I have begged Brad to cease his constant barrage on me.

Its such a relief to know that someone else in the world is going through the same thing that I am. I wonder if I should start a support group.

Stunt Ass?

According to experts, my adult industry job would be... Stunt Ass Not all adult actors want to have their backsides on camera. This is where you come in and stand in. Your perfect job is a Stunt Ass Take the Adult Industry Job Quiz

Alrighty then. I think that's clear. I just realized that I only take these silly quizzes when I can think of nothing else to write about on my blog.

Honesty is the best policy you know.

*GASPING FOR BREATH*

Victoria Beckham wasn’t acting very posh when a Spanish TV star expressed interest in the former Spice Girls’ hubby, soccer star David Beckham. “Why would he be interested in an old lady like you?” Beckham reportedly snapped at 50-year-old Ana Obergon, who according to the London Mirror was decked out in pink satin hot pants and pink legwarmers. “Go get some clothes on and act your age.”

OMG is that line not a total scream?? I'm in stitches people...STITCHES.

5:35 a.m.

Why is it that I always get the urge to post something at this ungodly hour? I think I went to bed waaaaaaaaay too early last night. I woke up an hour ago and have already taken a bath. I'm sitting here now watching (sort or watching) I Robot. Not a bad movie really, but I need to know where I can buy a bot like Sonny. Maybe they will take cats as a trade.

Speaking of cats, I have one sitting on the back of the chair staring at me as we speak. Sometimes I swear she hates my guts, other times she gazes at me like I'm the most loveliest thing she's ever seen. Today it seems to be somewhere in between the two. She's already been fed so I know its not a hunger thing.

I have decided that I hate cats.

Halo

I've been playing Halo online with my son. Isn't that the game that has the reputation of being the ultimate geek game or something? All I know is it's fun, but I get motion sickness from it. I can't play for long or I'll throw up. lol

BAD

Can't help it, this is just funny.

I know girls aren't supposed to laugh at this stuff, but...........

I think I've posted a link to this game before, but it was ages and ages ago, long enough that I'm sure anyone who saw it then has totally forgotten about it and I can pretend that this is a whole new idea. I can't remember where I found this before, but I thought it was a scream then.

It's still a scream.

Mental Health Day

I have taken the day off from work. I decided not to subject all my co-workers to my insane ramblings, my uncontrollable weeping for no particular reason or my animalistic snarling.

Actually I am lucky that way, they are all pretty understanding about what has been going on in my life lately. I think they are surprised I haven't cracked before now. But a day of laying around in my pajamas, watching trashy movies and not doing anything more constructive than taking the dog out for a pee will do me a world of good.

I think I'll ask my boss tomorrow how he feels about having an assistant that has 98% lost the plot. If I know him, he'll probably say its good for an occasional laugh. ;-)

Christmas Shopping

If you are doing last minute Christmas shopping, I would suggest these for that hard to buy for person. They cover almost every category, useful, decorative, whimsical. I personally would love forever the person who bought these for me for Christmas. (Mailing address provided upon request.)

I love weird stuff. lol

If you are interested, they also have wind up hopping lederhosen.
You can find that stuff here.

P.S. I first heard of these wonderful items on the website of
The Sneeze. He has ran a couple of contests giving them away, but since I never win anything so far I haven't been able to score. I may have to actually break down and *gasp* buy them. ;-)

Ex Husbands

I have one. I am sure there was something about him that I liked at some point, but for the life of me I can't remember what that was. Now I find him annoying, judgmental, a master of exaggeration, a person who loves to be seen as "the martyr," among other things that will come to mind later I'm sure, but are probably not postable.

Case in point... my grandmother died yesterday. When I told him, it was as if it was HIS grandmother who died, and that HE and HE ONLY had the right to grieve. Where the hell did that come from??

Another case in point... my son called me this morning telling me that according to his dad my ex mother in law had a massive stroke. Scared the hell out of my 15 year old son, until he got into the exam room to see his grandmother sitting up and looking around and talking. No "massive" stroke there.

What is it about some people that they just can't tell the basic truth no matter what, they feel the need to exaggerate every detail, even when they know that they are going to be found out as liars. I just do not understand how people's minds work.

Thank You.

You know who you are.

Just Thank You.

Dead Alive

I saw a movie called Dead Alive last night, a pre LOTR effort made by the (seemingly) great Peter Jackson. I expected epic scenes, I expected jaw dropping special effects.

What I got was juvenile sniggering over the topic of sex. More blood than should be allowed in any movie, scenes that actually made me want to gag (and I have a very strong stomach). It did run a bit long, but I guess it takes a while to kill a room full of zombies with a running lawn mower.

It was great. hehe

What do you do.

What do you do when someone that you swore that you'd never speak to again has a heart attack, and will die before the night is over. There is no way to get there to make amends because its halfway across the country, and even if you could there, they probably wouldn't know you anyway.

What do you do when you realize that the although the reason you weren't speaking to that person was a good one (or so it seemed at the time), it doesn't adequately cover this new situation.

What do you do when you have such guilt about this new situation, but there is nothing that can be done to fix it.

What do you do when a family member needs you, and you can't get to them.

What do you do when its just too late.

What do you do.

Sorry folks. I'm a in reflective mood tonight.

Gnite.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

Speaking of coffee......

I have never been a coffee drinker. I could tolerate it if it had a lot of sugar and a lot of milk in it, in which case I'm better off with tea or hot chocolate, which I do like. But since I stopped smoking (one month and 6 days), I have had an odd craving for coffee. It's almost as if my body will not allow me to have no vices at all, if I give one up, I have to find another. I guess coffee is a pretty harmless one to take up.

Oh, and by the way, a little advice for anyone who plans on quitting smoking for their New Years resolution... water. Drink LOTS of it. I have noticed that on the days that I drink a lot of water, the craving for cigarettes isn't as bad. I now drink 2 1/2 gallons a day. Okay okay I'm kidding.. but I do drink about 2 liters a day. And on the bright side, the smoke breaks that you give up are are still taken and used but for bathroom breaks instead. hehe

FINE

It's official. The DVD burner is going back where it came from. That particular brand is not satisfying me technically, so I'm divorcing it. Lord knows I tried. I put all my efforts into making the relationship work, but no. The burner just laid there, day after day, not one time contributing anything to make me happy. I even went out and bought it fancy DVD-Rs so it could show me what it could do, but that wasn't good enough. Oh no, the burner was still contemptuous of me. I tried different programs, I thought if I could make it more comfortable with its surroundings, it might be happy. But no.

I've grown weary of the fights. I've grown tired of groveling, begging it to give me what I need.

I want a divorce.

New kid on the block.

A very good friend of mine has just started a blog. Swing over there and tell her hello. :-)

I love this stuff.

Nasa Site

I do this every time I hear about it.. my name is going to be plastered from one end of the universe to the other. hehe

One More........

Calvin & Hobbes

It was always my favorite comic strip. I stopped reading comics when it stopped appearing. It was a sad sad day. But occasionally I see one or two that really cracks me up.

I know victory is within my grasp.......

Ok so I buy this DVD burner. I install the software. I hook it up. I pop in a DVD to make sure it'll read it. NOTHING.

I check the drive letters. I changed the drive letter on the DVD player software setup. Nothing.

Basically, when it comes to this DVD burner, the lights are on, but nobody's home.

ACHOO.

And I also have a cold.

Sniff.

Wow

I am 15,736 days old. I didn't calculate in leap years though, now that I think about it, so I'm a few days older than that.

Here's your mission.... guess my birthday from that information.

(Geesh, I gave you an easy one today.)

I'm a bad bad girl.

BAD. Yes. Me.

I indulged in a bit of retail therapy tonight. I went Christmas shopping and decided that I would buy a little something for myself as well, just to ease my boredom and my holiday angst (the cause of which is a very interesting story, I might tell you about it someday). I was also shopping specifically for the person at work whose name I drew to buy a present for this year. She is fairly new in the office, and I really don't know her well enough to know what to buy, so I was walking through the store, looking for something generic, yet nice, when lo and behold I found myself in the computer department. (Don't ask me, my feet just took me there without any conscious thought.) So I stood there for a bit, admiring all the bits of technology that I can't seem to get enough of, when there it was....... a laptop computer for $549. It was love at first site, but mainly because I have wanted a laptop for so long. But then I remembered my online project from the spam website claiming they have a laptop reserved just for me, so I reluctantly dragged myself away. I just know my freebie one will be a better one anyway.

I turned the corner and started looking at the computer gadgets.. wireless mouse (got it), wireless keyboard (nice but don't need it), CD-Rs (still have plenty), joystick (what the hell for you moron).. then there is was.. love at first site again. An HP Lightscribe DVD-R. I had to have it. I am ashamed, but yes, I bought it. It was cheaper than my CD-R drive that I bought a year and a half ago (that was my justification anyway).

So now I have all evening to play with my new toy. Anyone need any DVDs burned?

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

I just watched a video on MSN Videos that says that 50 (for women) is the new 30. Does that make me at 43, the new 23??

Works for me, baby.

Important Stuff to Know, Part 2

We have a winner!

In his early years, Ralph the Wonder Llama was an accomplished mountaineer, gymnast, and covert CIA operative. He later became a well-known cultural icon. Although a llama by name and considered human by throngs of adoring fans, he was actually an alpaca.

He was fluent in all the Germanic languages as well as in Spanish and seven dialects of Chinese, a remarkable feat considering his lack of vocal cords or advanced auditory cortex. He is also credited with the creation of ARPANET, the predecessor to today's Internet.

Following retirement, Ralph the Wonder Llama became well-known within the entertainment industry. He made his first appearance on The Tonight Show in 1983 and on Saturday Night Live in 1984, where he sang Oh My Papa to a standing ovation.

He is occasionally credited as the producer of Monty Python and the Holy Grail*, a designation that arose purely out of a labour dispute with the actor's guild and required a disinterested intermediary to fill the producer role. It is a well-documented fact that Ralph the Wonder Llama was actually in Peru during the entire filming of the movie.

Until recently, it was widely believed that Ralph the Wonder Llama had no surviving family. However, recent unconfirmed reports suggest that he may have had a second cousin, twice removed named Tony the Wonder Llama, of Quatloos fame, and that jealousy issues prevented the two from developing a familial bond.

Ralph the Wonder Llama died, tragically during an unfortunate accident involving a steamroller, in 1992 while vacationing in Bolivia. His wool was subsequently presented to the Smithsonian Institution, where is it displayed adjacent to the Hope Diamond, the Baskin-Robbins Miniature Pink Spoon, and other memorabilia.

*The answer!

Sassan Sanei is now 500,000 points richer and officially on the Smartest People Ever list (as soon as I make it). I will also have that margarita in his honor (on Friday night so I don't have to worry about having a hangover at work the next day because you know, margaritas are like potato chips, you can't have just one).

God I love this blog stuff. hehe

Important Stuff to Know

500,000 points to anyone who can tell me who Ralph the Wonder Llama is.

And I'll have a margarita in your honor.

And if I am sufficiently impressed, I might even list you on the sidebar on my "Smartest People Ever" list (that isn't there yet but will be as soon as I make it).

Anyone? Hmmmm?

Now stop distracting me, I have work to do.

Look at this -----> Yes This

Yikes.

$450 to fix my car. I still have another car that needs to be looked at as well.

I was just kidding about funding their Christmas for God's sake!

Good Morning

I only have a minute cuz I have to take my car to the shop and let them rip hundreds of dollars out of my savings account, but what the hell, they have to have a Christmas too, then I will walk the 6 blocks to my job (walk???).

I found a website yesterday called fatwallet.com. I'm probably the last person on the face of the earth to have found it. Anyway, they have a section in their forum for free stuff, and I spent the evening last night signing up for all sorts of free crap. So far I have ordered a Johnny Walker Whiskey Valet (not exactly sure what that is, but I'm sure its very cool), a pint of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (mmmmmmm baby), a year's free subscription to American Greetings online card thing (hey I'll use it, everyone I know will get an ecard a day now), and loads of free samples of God knows what. (I've slept since I ordered them, give me a break here.)

I LOVE free stuff. hehe

OH NOOOOOOOO

I thought my blog was gone forever. I tried to log in and I got the page not found error.. okay (thought I), it must be a Blogspot thing and it'll be fixed before long. So I waited, and tried to log in again. Blogspot seemed to be back in working condition, but when I tried to go to my blog it said Blog Not Found. Oh My God. My blog is dead. It's dead. Panic set in. I tried another blog that I have bookmarked, it was working fine. OH MY GOD its dead its dead its dead. I tried mine again. Blog Not Found. I tried logging in.. yup, I could log in. I tried another blog that I had bookmarked. WHEW.. it was gone too. Blogspot was still fixing glitches.

That was my adrenaline rush for the night. I'm exhausted.. time for a nap.

Useless Blog Stuff

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen


I'm Han Solo?

Just FYI

Jolly Rancher Gummies tastes like fish bait if you eat too many at one sitting.

Thought you ought to know.

Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase

This is all I want for Christmas this year.

Please please please Santa. I've been so good this year, I swear!