Boondoggled

PEOPLE PLEASE

2011-05-11T10:14:00.002-04:00

Please please PLEASE check the facts in an email before you decide you must forward it for the good of the people.

Also, attaching a photo of a disabled American Vet does not make the email any more true.

Congressmen and senators do NOT get 100% pay when they retire: HA

Families, friends and co-workers of congressmen and senators DO have to pay back student loans: IN YOUR FACE

And being disgruntled because you didn't plan for retirement doesn't make the stupid email any more relevant. If it is full of untrue statements, DON'T FORWARD IT.

Fun Stuff

2011-05-03T09:45:00.000-04:00

The title is a lie.. this is totally not fun, but it is somewhat of an explanation on why I've been absent.

This is what is left of my daughter's home. The pile of charred fluff just to the left of center was, at one time, her sofa.

J and I were on our way to the hockey game in DC the other night when I get a phone call from my daughter, who was hysterical. It was strange because I had only just been talking to her 5 minutes before and she was fine. After I finally got her to slow down I was able to ascertain that her apartment building was currently on fire. After we hung up she heard sirens outside so she went to her window and looked out, only to observe a growing crowd of people who saw her in the window - who then started yelling for her to get out of there. She grabbed her purse, her camera and her computer and went outside. Thankfully the peanut was at her other grandmother's house and did not have to witness her home going up in flames.

Aside from the few things my daughter picked up on her way out the door, she has lost everything she owned, and is not taking it at all well. I am currently fielding frequent phone calls and bouts of hysteria, along with making phone calls for her. I keep reminding her that it was only stuff and stuff is replaceable, that thank God nobody was hurt. Apparently that is small consolation and I have to confess that I have never lost everything in one fell swoop like that, so I have really no idea how to comfort someone in that position.

I have discovered that my daughter is obsessively sentimental and has recovered the music box that I had since I was a child and had given to the peanut. It was charred on the outside but it still worked, but my daughter is quite upset at the loss of her blankie that she has had since the day she was born that I made for her when I was pregnant. I told her it was ugly anyway, but that only made her cry (oops). I told her I'd make her another. Maybe it won't be the same but maybe I can make it a little more attractive.

So there you go, this is what I am trying to handle at the moment. I swear to God this is no exaggeration, she called me 20 times yesterday (I just looked on my phone log and got a bad case of incredulous giggles).

Gratuitous Cuteness

Email

2011-04-26T06:40:00.000-04:00

I got this in an email and liked it a lot - well, liked it doesn't really fit, it made me squirm. I imagine some of you who see this will be outraged, but I have to agree with it. (Sorry) It was said to be a quote from the Czech Republic. Two minutes of research stated that it was a quote from Prager Zeitung of April 28, 2010, I have confirmed the existence of the newspaper but since it seems to be published in gibberish, I can't go any farther than that (sorry again).

"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America . Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of Ass-Holes such as those who made him their president."

Contrary

2011-04-19T09:04:00.001-04:00

I was having a phone conversation with J yesterday and his son came into the room. I wasn't feeling well (still am not really), but was coughing and making all the sick people noises I could make to garner sympathy. J's son stands there looking at me for a minute and begins talking to me, and it was apparent to his dad that what he was saying was annoying me, and told me that he didn't mean to be contrary, he thinks he's being funny. I said yes he does mean to be contrary - name me one 21 year old that doesn't. He laughed and said good point.

The conversation with the son went like this:

Me: *cough*
Him: Still sick eh?
Me: Yes well, it was only 2 hours ago that you noted I was sick, do you know anyone that gets better that quickly?
Him: I never get sick.
Me: You do too, you were sick a few weeks ago.
Him: That was 3 months ago.
Me: Well you get sick then, don't you.
Him: Rarely.
Me: 3 months doesn't seem rare to me.
Him: But it is, I rarely get sick!
Me: You see that I'm on the phone, right?

After later considering this conversation, and contemplating his dad feeling the need to point out that his son doesn't mean to be contrary.. and especially now after reading how the conversation went, I have come to a difficult conclusion.

It was me being contrary. Yes, I was the contrary one. But that's okay, cause I'm sick. And its my house. And he ate all my picante sauce.

Have Ya Ever....

2011-04-16T07:19:00.000-04:00

Been going about your business and it suddenly dawned on you that you would remember that moment for the rest of your life? It was a quiet and unobtrusive moment, nothing special happening, we were just driving down the street.

This was playing on the radio:

The windows were down, it was kind of warm, we had just left the hockey game in downtown D.C. - traffic was a little slow going.

For some reason that moment has imprinted in my brain. Its not a bad thing to remember, a warm(ish) night, good music, hanging with my man.

Blame it on my ADD baby.

EUREKA!

2011-04-15T06:55:00.001-04:00

I have a thang (yes a thang) for good, old-fashioned chicken fried steak. (Or country fried steak, as some of you prefer.) The problem is I didn't know how to cook it so the only time I ever got any was if we went to a restaurant that served it. We're mostly a fast-food family so that didn't happen often. I did get some a few weeks ago when the WRS was here, he said it looked disgustingly like something the Scottish would dream up.

Yum

So anyway, using my talents here to make a short story very long - it starts this way:

J had gone shopping at the Commissary and brought home a London Broil. I've had these before but had no clue how to fix them correctly because every time I tried it turned into a chewy lump.. tasted okay but nearly impossible to chew, so because of that the weird chunk of meat has set in our freezer for a while. On Monday I decided to tackle that thing and win.

I cut it in half, then sliced each half until I had 4 thinner steaks. I then proceeded to beat the living shit out of it with a meat tenderizer sledgehammer.

(Not the actual sledgehammer.)

IT WAS AMAZING! Those little 4 inch steaks, after I had beaten them to death had spread out to the size of dinner plates! It was like magic! Who knew.

After working all of my frustrations out on those innocent chunks of meat, they were ready for cooking. I dipped em in egg/milk, rolled em around in flour/salt/pepper/garlic powder, slapped them in the frying pan - they were big enough that I could only cook one at a time, and VOILA - country fried steaks.

Throw some white gravy on those babies and you are good to go.

Actually, I was pleasantly surprised. Most of my experiments turn out to be dismal failures. This one was a screaming success.

There we have it, another successful post about pretty much nothing at all.

I'm happy. :-)

The Internet So Cracks Me Up

2011-04-14T09:08:00.001-04:00

There I was, reading a forum, when this caught my eye and had me participating in side-splitting giggles:

pre-madonna

ITS PRIMA DONNA you idgit.

Ahhh that was fun.

Spring Has Sprung

2011-04-12T11:24:00.000-04:00

This is our back yard (unmowed - or should that be unmown). Anyway, I spent a good part of yesterday planting flowers and seeds. I still have 3 azalea bushes and our Christmas tree to plant, but it started raining so they will have to live in their pots for a couple more days. That screened building is about to be converted into an office/guest house. We decided to make it an office so that a certain person's son (who shall remain unnamed) can't try to claim it for his own. One end will be an office area for me, but it will be set up so that it is easily converted into a guest house when we have company. I've been looking at ideas for converting small spaces like that and have found several ideas, but holy moley they are expensive ideas.

Speaking of expensive, J's son is back in town after living with his girlfriend for a month and a half. She apparently kicked him out after using his laptop as a frisbee. So he's back to living here with no computer, which means he's bored, which means our groceries are disappearing at a rapid rate. I can't keep up.

Sometimes

2011-04-11T09:37:00.001-04:00

I get into strange moods and go shopping for weird items. The weirder the better and what is weirder than zombie gifts?

How To Speak Zombie. I swear this is the best idea EVER. How else would a couch potato like me survive other than totally fitting in? Its not like I will be able to run from them (sore knee), its not like I carry an axe around to destroy the brain or remove the head. I will only survive by pretending to be a zombie because, everyone knows, zombies don't eat other zombies. I love the pronunciation button. GOTTA HAVE.

As (I typed ass there, but I fixed it) - anyway, as most of you know, we recently moved into a new house. It needs to be landscaped and, in fact, my intention was to go down to the local home improvement store and buy some flowers. However, I think I would much rather have this under the bushes next to the front steps. I'm pretty sure it would keep those annoying neighbor kids off our lawn.

Easter is just a couple of weeks away and how better to celebrate the birth of our Lord but by handing out zombiefied bunnies. The website says this is made from white chocolate. Do we trust that?

The zombie cookie jar. The above photo shows it filled with yummy chocolate chip cookies, but personally I think oatmeal raisin would look more brain-like. But that's just me.

This is sold as a zombie magnetic poetry kit, and I must confess that out of everything I've posted so far I want this the most. It brings back the old law firm days of Jess and I rearranging magnets into insults on the filing cabinet next to my desk. Good times. They had me at "her skin is chewy."

Hungry for a mid-zombie apocalypse snack? Have some zombie jerky! What else are we supposed to do with all those headless zombie bodies??

There you go, I must stop now because it has already crossed my mind to send J a list for my upcoming birthday. If any of you are interested, these amazing items can be found at ThinkGeek, and email me and I'll send you my mailing address because you know you want to buy this crap for me. :-)

WAIT WAIT - HOLD THE PRESSES, I found something else that I gotta have. Its not zombiefied or anything so it doesn't really fit in with this post, but OMG -

The bluetooth handset! It looks like a retro phone handset but connects to my cell phone via bluetooth (see what I did there I have already claimed it as mine). NEEEEEEED THIS and I have emailed an enthusiastic link to J. Think he'll pick up on the hint? hehe

The Lawn Mower Has Taken a.. Vacation

2011-04-10T09:10:00.001-04:00

We moved into this house at the first of November and the woman we bought it from seems to have been one of those weird ass people who is constantly on the move. The house was immaculate enough to eat off of, the lawn was in perfect shape.

Enter us.

I wouldn't say we are pigs, but we do tend to live a bit cluttered (we have enough boxes of books to furnish a small library), and the yard has begun to grow.

Unfortunately, an unkempt yard does bug me so I am itching to go mow it but the lawn mower has decided to take a shit. It flat refuses to turn on. I've mentioned this to J, but an unkempt lawn doesn't seem to bother him as much as it does me. Actually, the back yard is looking quite nice, things are blooming, there is a large tree covered with white flowers. I would take a picture for you to see but then you would see the tall grass and that would be unacceptable. On the bright side - a few more weeks and we get to open the pool! Yay yippeeeeee!

So anyway back to the original topic (I am so easily distracteeeeohhhh LOOK SHINY), I am thinking I am going to need to take apart the lawn mower and see if I can figure out how to make it start. I think if I threaten this then J may get out there and fix it. I assume that would be preferable to him coming home from work one day to find his lawn mower in 1000 different parts lying all across the back yard.

On to the next...

J wants me to take up day trading. He seems to think I would be good at this, but I know absolutely nothing about buying/selling stocks. Anyone have any useful suggestions? The only thing I know is I like the commercials:

This commercial seems like a good enough reason to take on a new hobby, doesn't it?

;-)

What is the deal??

2011-04-08T16:46:00.000-04:00

What is with the internet's fascination with celebrity pregnancies? Isn't the internet aware that any female creature, including dogs, pigs and mice, can get pregnant and that what those women's gestational talents are not anything to hoot about?

Ugh.. move on to something more fascinating, please.

This Is My Opinion and I'm Sticking To It

2011-04-07T09:25:00.002-04:00

If you read my last post you know the shock I had when I discovered what had been done by someone I considered a friend (in days gone by, anyway). Short version - church minister, adopted daughters, sexual abuse, etc. etc, blah blah blah - we hear so many stories like that these days that it is almost commonplace (although no less tragic). I've been following the news reports (the internet is a wonderful thing), and seeing my old partner in that setting has made me respect her more every day. She did what we all hope we never have to do, she turned in the love of her life to the police to protect her children. She did the right thing.

Unfortunately, in looking up the news reports on this, I also stumbled across many blogs leaping on this story and basically saying SEE SEE? See how evil Christians are?? Such misguided people.

Christianity isn't a person. If it were it would have failed within six months of its inception. Christianity isn't a church for that very same reason. Christianity isn't attending services every Sunday or inviting the pastor over for a nice meal or keeping up with the neighbors or scorning someone that you have decided was not as good as you. Christianity is keeping your faith close to your heart no matter what storm is going on around you.

Christianity is knowing that God loves you, even when you feel overwhelmed. Christianity is NOT looking down your nose at people, its accepting everyone and leaving the judgments for God to decide.

What that minister did was damaging to Christianity in the fact that so many people look for bad behavior to hold up to the world and point out to everyone how dirty Christianity is. Christianity can be dirty and rotten - but only because humans can be dirty and rotten. Its in our nature, but I find it pointless to judge an entire religion on one person's despicable behavior.

Am I a Christian? Yes, I think so. I live a sinful life, I drink, I smoke, I am living with a man without benefit of marriage (fornication, anyone?). My parents were shocked, my friends from my old regimented Christian life were appalled, but oh well. I still believe in God and deep down I feel he still believes in me.

I guess I'll find out eventually, eh?

**Edit: It was pointed out to me that I associate with gays as well. Its true, I confess - one of my best friends is a lesbian.. yes I said it, she's LESBIANESE. Pretty sure it won't send me to hell though. ;-)

The Heart, It Breaks

2011-04-05T05:52:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning to rain, it was nice. But when I got up saw that I had messages from my daughter asking if I had heard about a person that I had been friends with for almost longer than I can remember, but she gave me no details in the message. He and his wife were good friends of mine and my ex husband. His wife was my partner in a barber shop many years ago. I moved away, they moved away, but through Facebook we somewhat kept up with each other. They were pastors of a church in a small Oklahoma town. They raised 3 girls, then adopted 3 more girls a couple of years ago. I thought he had died - until I looked up news reports and was horribly shocked at what I found.

He had been raping those girls and is now in jail. His wife turned him in. I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through. He is the last one I would have thought would go that direction.

The world is going crazy.

And How Was Everybody's Weekend??

2011-04-04T05:05:00.002-04:00

Mine was nice, thank you for asking.

I've found a new band called Elbow.. well, they aren't new, they are new to me (it was recommended to me by the Doc). I'm hooked.

How many bands can get away with using a cup as a musical instrument?

Dinner Time!

2011-04-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

I am trying to plan dinner for tonight... what ya think, moving pizza? Frog?

(One YouTube comment to this one was "He just stole that frog's soul." Made me laugh.)

I Hope He Doesn't Ever Read This

2011-03-29T08:46:00.000-04:00

Okay so I admit I slack off on doing laundry. I hate doing it, so I usually end up waiting until one or both of us are out of clean drawers before I tackle the mountains of clothes. That was what happened this week. J ran out of underwear so I was forced to do the laundry. Whilst sorting through the various items, I stumbled across a pair of............ wait for it...............

California Raisins Underwear.

Tis true, J is the proud owner of circa 1988 California Raisins underwear. I could not decide whether to be appalled or highly amused, so I took the amused route.

Last night I pointed out to him that I discovered his vintage drawers. Yes, he agreed, they were his. And you've had them how long? (I asked). He couldn't remember. I said okay so you actually do have underwear older than some of the girls you dated. Yes.

Holy crap that one made me laugh.

He would kill me with extreme prejudice if he ever read this post. Shhhhh don't tell him.

An Announcement!

2011-03-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

I have had entirely too much to drink.

That is all.

There Is An Explanation To This Post, I Swear

2011-03-24T14:48:00.002-04:00

This was meant to be the funny post. Unfortunately, due to a weird glitch that I cannot explain, the post has disappeared and now instead of it being funny, its just a sad sad post. I had the thing written and it was lonnnnnnnnnnng and I had to keep taking breaks because I was laughing so much at it.. and I was going to post a link and it went into the wrong place so I did the CTRL-Z to back out of the mistake, and the entire thing - THE ENTIRE THING - just disappeared. Whilst I was still staring at my screen in horror I saw the Back Up Save kick in and it saved the blankness.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yes.

Gone. All gone.

I enjoyed it though, sorry for your loss.

What Is Wrong With Us??

2011-03-22T09:01:00.001-04:00

We are a sad sad, really sad bunch of so-called civilized people. When people like this:

Can behave in a totally drug addled way -

When they can do and/or say whatever they want -

With no fear of consequences -

And knowing that instead of seeing any sort of fallout from their stupid stupid actions -

Their starts seem to rise ever higher. Why do we get all excited about grown adults acting stupid and reward them by throwing our money at them.. HERE, TAKE IT ALL, YOU ARE AWESOME!

Charlie Sheen is a child. Lindsay Lohan is an addict. Paris Hilton is an attention whore and only became famous after her sex tape was released (and don't tell me she had nothing to do with that, I wasn't born yesterday). And we all seem to love it. Its ridiculous and says an uncomfortable lot about people as a whole.

I'm curious though - is this mainly an American thing or are other cultures just as fascinated with badly behaving celebrities as we seem to be?

OMG! OMG! OMG!

2011-03-17T15:48:00.001-04:00

I just found the most awesome thing EVER! Dawn Wells (a/k/a Mary Ann) has a personal website and will answer questions emailed to her. Of course I had to ask a question.

Do you have an aging picture of yourself hanging in your attic? You are gorgeous as ever - what is your secret? (I know, that was two questions.)

The website swears that she will see the question. I'm so excited!

If you, too, have a question for Dawn (I call her Dawn) just burning in your mind, here is the website for you The Most Awesome Site EVER.

Other Dawn posts, for your convenient review (and since that is almost the only traffic I get on this blog, to see her pictures).

Dear Dawn Wells
I Just Received This

Also listed on her page is a site that you can order live celebrity phone calls, Dawn being one of them. I love her, I really do, but I'm also a cheap bitch. Sorry Dawn, I'll just have to wave to you from afar and hope you lurve me enough to answer my brilliant and insightful (and totally suck up) question.

Insomnia

2011-03-14T02:11:00.000-04:00

I used to have it and could get by with just two or three hours of sleep a night. Those days are gone and I must have a full night's sleep or I transform into CrankyBitch.

Unfortunately, J has insomnia.

If I go to bed early enough to get good and asleep before he wanders up to bed I am okay - and can usually sleep through his nocturnal wanderings. But the last couple of nights I have been awake when he decided it was bed time. Oh. My. God. The man watches tv. He reads. He listens to his CDs. He eats. He drinks. He flips channels on the television. He eats again. He watches tv and FINALLY finds something that interests him, so he cranks the volume up. I mumble something about turning it down a lil please. He then continues to flip channels. Wander through to the kitchen for a drink of water. Etc., Etc., and so on and so forth.

Tonight I stood up and announced (before I was fully awake) that now I understand why I go to bed so early, that if I am not comatose before he comes up then I just don't sleep well. No response - he went back to watching the interviews with the Sister Wives.

So now I am downstairs at 2:00 a.m. I've wandered the house, I've eaten brownies, I've drank water, I've let the dog outdoors.. I've read the news, now I'm blogging.

I guess insomnia is contagious. CrankyBitch will soon be making an appearance, I'm guessing.

Ummmm..... okay?

2011-03-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

I got this email this morning from my ex husband:

3:00 A.M. phone call from Hawaii
before all phone service is lost
David and kids are on higher ground, safe
Seana is safe in Japan.

I'm happy David and the kids are safe. I'm happy Seana didn't get knocked down in Japan.. but.. I don't know these people. They are the family of his current wife, people I've never met and who I wouldn't know if they stomped my toe in the checkout line of Target.

Why my ex husband thinks I would be relieved - or - concerned - or....... no no, that sounds uncaring - Okay.. reword here - ummm, okay? I don't even know how to respond to the email. I suppose "Yippee" would sound too glib. "Hallelujah praise Jesus" would sound insincere. "Congratulations" sounds sarcastic.

Nope. Can't think of a thing. I am open to suggestions.

It Was Nice

2011-03-10T05:08:00.000-05:00

You know how when you don't see a person for a long time and then you do, and you realize how much you miss them? Yeah that's me and the WRS.

I met him for lunch yesterday before he flew off, back to the mythical land of England. (Seriously, everyone keeps telling me England is there, but I've never seen it - so its mythical.) Anyway, back to the topic of lunch. I met him at the airport since I was too big of a wuss to drive in to Baltimore to fetch him (I remember the days of driving across country all by myself, I think there is something wrong with me). We parked our arses at one of the airport restaurants and sat there talking non-stop for 3 solid hours. I don't talk to anyone for 3 hours! He kept me entertained by telling me about university politics (sounded like a bunch of sharks circling their prey).

So yes, I had a very nice time spending time with the man. I knew I missed him, but I didn't really realize how much until he was sitting in front of me. Best friends like him are rare. If you have one hold on to them.

WRS

2011-03-07T08:58:00.001-05:00

Back for the first couple of years of this blog I spoke often of my best friend, the WRS (World Renowned Scientist).

Old WRS reference posts are here, here, here and here. A few posts among many.

I haven't so much lately because 1) we don't talk nearly as much as we used to, and 2) I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. The last time I laid eyes on the guy was nearly 6 years ago when I went to Scotland, he drove up to show me around. A good time was had by all.

Anyway, he has flown into Baltimore for a conference and J and I picked him up from the airport on Saturday and took him to dinner before dumping him off at his hotel in Baltimore. I took him cookies (it was the only constructive thing I could think of to do). At our ages though, changes happen and we nearly didn't recognize each other - my arse has gotten much larger, his hair has gotten much thinner - but when he smirked at me I recognized that alright.

(Yes Jess, I told him you said HIIIIIIIIIIIIII... and he said HIIIIIIIIIIII back.)

I gotta tell ya people, it was an odd dinner, but everyone seemed to get along okay. He and J even seemed to have nice dinner conversation about growing kidneys from scratch. Although when I got my country fried steak that I had ordered for dinner, he was appalled and said it looked like something the Scottish would cook up.

So so very bad - but so funny

2011-03-02T06:34:00.001-05:00

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed the ability to satisfy a female of almost any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last of all," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

Silly Pooty

2011-03-01T08:48:00.000-05:00

First off let me say that I am not (NOT) a McDonalds Chicken McNugget fan. Never have been. The best I can say about them is that if they are dipped in a lot of barbecue sauce then they are vaguely edible, and if I close my eyes and squint then maybe I can possibly - on a very clear day - imagine that they could possibly, in theory, taste sorta kinda like a piece of chicken. That said, if you like them, then you are in for a bit of an education.

Apparently in the United States it is perfectly okay to mix chemicals into them that the rest of the world considers to be poisonous. But then again what does the rest of the world know. We're Americans, we're smarter than the average bear.

Watch this:

When looking at the ingredients list it has Polydimethylsiloxane which is used as an anti-foaming agent. That is all well and good, except it is also used to make contact lenses, medical devices (of the unknown variety), shampoo, caulking, lubricating oils (wink wink nudge nudge) and heat resistant tiles. Makes ya wonder if the Chicken McNugget you are scarfing regrets the life it could have had as a piece of space shuttle. It is also used in making Silly Putty.

Also among the ingredients is TBHQ a/k/a tert-Butylhydroquinone. This is a preservative that is used to keep the oil from going icky. Too much of this stuff can cause this:

The FDA sets an upper limit of 0.02% of the oil or fat content in foods.[4] At higher doses, it has some negative health effects on lab animals, such as producing precursors to stomach tumors and damage to DNA.[5] A number of studies have shown that prolonged exposure to high doses of TBHQ may induce carcinogenity,[6] especially for stomach tumors.[7] Other studies, however, have shown opposite effects including inhibition against HCA-induced carcinogenesis (by depression of metabolic activation) for TBHQ and other phenolic antioxidants (TBHQ was one of several, and not the most potent).[8] The EFSA considers TBHQ to be non-carcinogenic.[3] A review of scientific literature concerning the toxicity of TBHQ determined that there is a wide margin of safety between the levels of intake by humans and the doses that produce adverse effects in animal studies.[9]

Now to be fair we are being told that anything we do, say, breath, eat, drink, touch or look at is bad for us to the point of being deadly, so I guess if I am going to look up ingredients and their side effects I should probably try to balance it and look up something organic, eh? Maybe later.

(This information was brought to you courtesy of Wikipedia and the McDonalds Website.)

Now a few months ago this picture was making the rounds:

It was being claimed that this was what Chicken McNuggets were made from. What you see above is MSP a/k/a mechanically separated poultry. This is what chicken nuggets are made from, but apparently not what McDonald's version of chicken nuggets are made from. It is surprisingly difficult to find out how, exactly, McDonalds makes their chicken nuggets, but apparently they claim that it is made from all white bonelss meat. The description I read was that they used breast meat only, made it into a paste with all the spices and crap in it, then they shape it into one of three shapes - the tombstone (appropriate), the circle and the boot.

Okay, I've unconvinced myself. Maybe these little babies aren't so bad after all. I'm going to McDonalds - anyone want to come along??

For Jess

2011-02-24T10:16:00.000-05:00

Boondoggled Chicken Noodle Stuff

Boneless chicken breasts (or a whole chicken, if you feel like peeling the meat off of it)
1/2 onion, chopped

Put the chicken in a big pot, fill the pot about halfway with water. Add the chopped onion, boil until the chicken is cooked through.

Remove chicken from the broth (ta daa, boiling chicken in water turns the water into broth, its like magic) but don't discard the broth. Chop the chicken into bite sized pieces.

Return broth to boil and throw in one package of those medium sized egg noodles and cook until the noodles are tender. Now comes the cool part -

1 can Cream of Chicken Soup
1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 can Cream of Celery Soup

Dump all of that into the noodles and broth, throw the chicken back into the mix. Now... take a half brick of Velveeta Cheese and chop it into pieces and dump that in there with the rest of it. Cook it all until its thick and cheesy and oh so delicious. Serve with hot rolls, warm bread, biscuits, whichever suits your fancy at the time.

There ya go. Easy peazy.

WHY??

2011-02-23T15:35:00.000-05:00

J's son refuses.. REFUSES.. to put things away in the kitchen. After all this time I'm only just getting him to put leftovers away when it is his turn to do the kitchen, instead of leaving them in the pot and cleaning around them. Okay, I totally made myself laugh there - he doesn't clean around them, if there is something on the stove he ignores the stove completely.

Anyway, this isn't a new discovery but I'm only just getting around to telling you about it. I will take cream cheese out of the fridge and lay it on the counter to soften. I go back in two hours later and the cream cheese is back in the fridge. So I take it out again and lay it on the counter, once again, to soften so I can use it to make either fantastical cheesecake or phenomenal fruit dip (or whatever). I go in later to mix it up and yup - cream cheese has been put back into the fridge. I can't mix it that way! I take it out of the fridge and throw it down on the counter to, yet again, soften.

This has happened over and over. I can leave the butter out all day.. for two days! Nope. He doesn't put it away. Bottle of ketchup? Nope. Peanut Butter? Jelly? Milk? Nope Nope Nope.

But cream cheese seems to go completely against his sense of decor or something.

OMG

2011-02-23T05:53:00.000-05:00

Please, please, I am begging - if any of you love me at all - keep me far far away from the emo tunes. LOL

(I really like this song though.)

I Got Nuthin

2011-02-21T05:41:00.000-05:00

It is times like these that I wish I could call myself a writer, so that I could claim to have a killer case of writer's block. But since I am not a writer, just a goofball, I guess what we have here is a case of goofball block.

I see something on the internet that makes me snicker a lil.. think that it might possibly make a good blog post - my brain will even kick into gear, "yeah yeah, we could do something with that!" But then 2.5 seconds later it is forgotten amongst the daily tv listings, Facebooking, dog chasing, cat swearing, bookreadingmusiclisteningspringwishing... well, you get the point - and then there is the whole laziness factor. One thing I wanted to do I couldn't do because I would need to screenshot what was on my screen, but then I would have to add in edits, but since I got this new computer I haven't yet reinstalled my graphics program so that I could add in edits, and I didn't exactly know where my graphics program was stashed, I think I do (possibly in the bottom drawer of my filing cabinet, or maybe upstairs in the spare bedroom in that basket where I stashed a bunch of loose CDs), but here again the laziness factor comes in, I just can't be arsed to look. So my brilliant idea just seems like too much work.

I think I have cabin fever.

Turn up the music.

A Public Service Announcement

2011-02-14T06:37:00.000-05:00

For a change I am doing a serious post. I now have two friends who are suffering the affects of this little known addiction and I wanted to bring your attention to it so that you can avoid the snare. Just don't start and you won't get hooked, its that simple... not even one experiment. Apparently, from watching these two friends of mine, all it took was one little sample and BOOM... after that they could not stay away, no matter how much their friends and family yelled at them.

Yes. I'm speaking of... cat poop.

My dogs, my two friends, are totally addicted. They cannot stay away, no matter how much I yell, punish, throw things. I've even resorted to saying "BAD DOG!" It has no affect. They are moved by an unknown compulsion. I assume it is psychological rather than physical, but until I am able to make them go cold turkey that part is unknown.

Even this morning Jake, my beloved Georgia boy whom I have lived with for the last 11 years, he came wandering out of the laundry room with a goofy, happy expression on his face, smacking his lips as if he's just sampled the world's greatest chocolate. (Okay chocolate was a bad choice, but you get what I mean.) I shook my finger in his face, I yelled at him, I called him names like stoopid bad dog -- to no avail. The addiction has gripped him beyond all reason.

I hope that we can serve as a cautionary tale to you, dear friends. I do not want to see you, too, become a slave to the cat poop addiction.

Friday Randomness

2011-02-11T05:47:00.001-05:00

I have several topics running through my mind on this cold Friday morning. I can't choose just one so I'll go with them all.

1) Bad dreams - I had dreams last night that left me feeling quite unsettled. They all seemed to run together, sort of like a wet painting - but the worst part was a good friend of mine shot herself, right in front of me. It was very upsetting, I woke up upset, but the problem is this friend died several years ago, so why I am dreaming that is beyond strange. I'll just chalk it up to my not quite normal brain kicking into overdrive again. I would say that it was good to see her again, even if it was just a dream - but it wasn't. Not the way my dream ran.

2) My computer situation - As you know and as I have whined about in past posts, my computer monitor bit the dust. That is a rather serious problem for a laptop and I had gotten a new computer, which also bit the dust. I was in the process of replacing that one when it was stolen out of the box whilst in transit. Best Buy told me that it had fallen out of the box and was damaged, but that isn't what the UPS site said. UPS says the box was empty, not that the item had been damaged. I think I'll go with UPS on this one, they have no reason to lie about it and Best Buy has their reputation to protect. Whatever reason, my brand new, state of the art, cutting edge laptop was gone. My problem with the entire situation is that we never, not once, got a phone call or email telling us that there was a problem with the original order. If I hadn't been tracking the package on UPS we would never have known and it just never would have gotten here. They only re-shipped it because I spent a lot of wasted minutes on the telephone, calling them over and over after their customer service people hung up on me, disconnects, their system was down, etc. The last guy I spoke to - and by then I was quite annoyed at the entire matter - was rather defensive about it all saying, "We are giving you free overnight shipping, I don't know what else you want us to do about it." I wanted to (but I didn't because I'm a fucking lady), I wanted to tell him how about you hit your big toe with a sledgehammer and then you'll experience some of the frustration and pain that you guys have put us through over this. You would think that when someone is buying a nearly $2k computer they would be, oh I dunno... a little more polite. I'm still debating on taking it back to the store when it gets here.. which leads me into my next bit of randomness:

3) My old computer is now working. I'll tell you my newly found secret for fixing a laptop. a) You turn it on and stare at it with a look of disgust on your face; b) You set up a replacement laptop next to it; c) You close the lid and flip it over to get the serial/model number so you can troubleshoot it; d) You don't find anything so you proceed to use the second laptop, totally forgetting about the upside down, turned on laptop lying on the desk; e) You let your cat walk across it and sit on it on a regular basis; f) You decide a week and a half later that you are going to look at it and see if maybe it had miraculously fixed itself; g) You flip it over, open the lid and find that YES, IT HAS MIRACULOUSLY HEALED ITSELF. My computer is back and its working just fine. Its a miracle! All I can say is that cat butt must have a healing magic, all its own. But now I have a whole other problem - my brand new, state of the art, cutting edge laptop is supposed to be delivered today. What to do what to do.

4) My two dogs are, at this very moment, walking up and down the stairs for no apparent reason.

5) I've saved the best part for last. After I did the post about the Betty I received a hilarious (I'm telling you it was hilarious) email from a friend, with several links in there along the same sort of lines (but different). This discussion was gray hair DOWN THERE, merkins, among other things, but the very best one was THIS - go on ya gotta look, you have to, your life will be incomplete until you do.

Okay, for those of you who refuse to look, I'll add their description:

Are your p**sy lips looking a little dull and lifeless? Do you wish they had the rosy hue of the day you were born? Now they can! My Pink Button “genital cosmetic colorant” will restore the pink back in your tired, old, used-up ladyflower! The product comes in four shades, cleverly named after the labia of Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, Ginger Rogers, and Audrey Hepburn, natch! My Pink Button only costs $29.95, so what are you waiting for? Your vaginal lips are ready for a whole new look!

All I have to say is that I flat refuse to worry about my bits looking dull and lackluster.

That's all, I am out of randomness for the day. An empty vessel, a mind used up.... a....... yeah this is me, gone.

Love ya mean it!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2011-02-08T06:29:00.000-05:00

Merchandise is missing. UPS will notify the sender with additional details. / All merchandise missing, empty carton was discarded. UPS will notify the sender with details of the damage.

I woke up this morning and logged onto the UPS Tracking Site to find out where my new computer is. That was in the notes. Does that mean that someone stole my nifty new laptop right out of the box??

ACK

2011-02-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

You will not believe this you just will not.

I killed two (count em 2) laptops last week. First was my one that I have used for 3 years, which I explained in an earlier post. Dead. So I got a new 3D laptop that I loved. Unfortunately from the start the screen would flash in pretty colored lines, so I was afraid that the graphic card on that one was bad. Sure enough, over the weekend it went completely apeshit and had to be returned to the store. Unfortunately, Best Buy no longer had anymore of those nifty little things, and J was insisting I get my 3D laptop. I'm not sure if he wants to keep me entertained or if he liked the prospect of it entertaining him in the near future (I suspect he's thinking porn in 3D, which might be funny to watch actually - "WHOA watch where you are pointing that thing!"). Anyway, since they no longer had any in the store, he had them order me an upgraded version which will not be delivered until the end of this week. At the moment I am on his monster laptop (which has its own issues but will do temporarily). And by monster laptop, I'm talking 20 inch screen and heavy as a stack of bricks... that kind of monster.

The thing is I am now paranoid. It takes a special kind of talent to kill two laptops in less than a week. Pray for me that I don't kill J's laptop as well.

I Don't Do This Often

2011-02-04T09:37:00.002-05:00

So I was sitting here ruminating in my mind.. chewing over, if you will.. the idea of celebrity perfumes. Wouldn't it be just amazingly awesome if our favorite celebrities made perfumes just for us commoners, so that we, too, might have just a touch of the life that they have, that we might smell as their radiant greatness smells, so we can stink just like them. Wouldn't that be nifty?? Oh wait... there isn't a celebrity out there who hasn't decided that we commoners don't smell as pretty as they do so they have made it their mission in life to improve the odor in our personal space. So, I decided, that subject is B.O.R.I.N.G.

But on the bright side, while I was doing my 2 minute research on the subject, I stumbled across something much more interesting. I give you the Betty. For those of us girls who still have, ya know, unkemptness in our nether regions, this product is for you.

Our Award Winning betty™ products are specially formulated color dyes for the hair down there. In just a few years, we have hundreds of thousands of happy customers using betty to naturally match their hair above, cover gray or just for fun! Whether you're a blonde (be a true blonde now!), radiant auburn, rich brunette, raven black or want to try hot pink for fun, our easy to use no-drip formula gives you the perfect finishing touch.

Sorry, but I have always been somewhat disturbed at the thought of gray hair DOWN THERE.

The site says, "This Valentines Day give a Love or Fun betty kit!" *Comes with free heart stickers* I guess that is to turn your lady bits into fun piles of red/hot pink fuzz, and cover it with heart stickers. I don't know about you, but if J got me this for a gift, my response would be "I will if you will, and only then."

Apparently the men love it too!

BETTY IS LOVED BY MEN!

When we first launched the betty colors, we didn't realize how many men would be interested in using it. Turns out that men love betty to manscape - dye their hair down there! Our male customers told us they had no product to use to cover gray, tried current mens hair color products for color manscaping- but it left them severely irritated and burned.

Men everywhere are flocking to use betty's specially formulated no-drip hair dyes made with natural ingredients and skin conditioners, keeping any betty (or bob!) safe!

St. Patrick's Day is coming up -

Please please please.. anyone who is willing to try this, send pics of your clover shaped.. ya know... yeah that, along with a leprechaun sticker stuck to it. I don't normally want to post pics of that but I totally will if you will let me put your name on it.

I would, but I lack the... J likes it......... well.......... I don't have....

Okay. Nevermind.

My New Toy

2011-02-03T10:26:00.001-05:00

My laptop died. Well, the screen died, and anyone who knows anything about computers know that when a laptop's screen dies the whole thing may as well have died. I felt like I had lost an appendage.

J took pity on me and took me shopping for a new computer, and this one is the one I ended up with:

Processor -Intel® Core™ i7-740QM processor
Operating System -Genuine Windows 7 Home Premium (64-bit)*
Graphics Engine -NVIDIA® GeForce® GTS 350M
Graphics Memory -2781MB total: 1GB GDDR3 discrete memory + up to 1757MB shared memory w/NVIDIA® TurboCache™ technology

Memory - 4GB DDR3 memory
Hard Drive - 640GB HDD (5400rpm)
Optical Drive -Blu-ray Disc™ Rewriteable (RE) and DVD SuperMulti drive with Labelflash®*

Among other things, and to top it all off, it is a 3D machine! 3D!! I can do stuff in 3D! Okay, I know I have fallen for the 3D hype, but tell me that you wouldn't want to be typing documents in 3D. Tell me that blogging in 3D doesn't sound way uber cool to you. No, don't bother telling me because I wouldn't believe you anyway.

The only issue I have is that J says I look like Bono with the glasses on.

*** An OMG moment - I just realized that this is my third (3rd) laptop since I started this blog. Either this blog has been around a long long time, or I am much too hard on laptops.

Sad Tree

2011-01-28T06:19:00.000-05:00

Sad tree, practicing its fanatical dedication to dejection.

I'm pretty sure winter is what is making it sad. I feel the same.

This is the view from my bedroom door. We have a deck off of our bedroom. Unfortunately, it is almost always in the shade so during the winter it is too chilly to sit out there much. And so far it just has a view of the closed up pool (and for the last couple of days, lots of snow) - not really all that impressive.

This is our pool house. It needs work. It has a missing window pane, wind blew a chunk of siding off the side. But, its one redeeming feature is the sign on the outside that says, "I don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in my pool." Classy.

There ya go, a tour of my snowy back yard. I know you are impressed. If it ever warms up enough to be able to open the pool up (and I'm having my doubts these days that it will ever be that nice outside), I will post comparison pics so you can see for yourselves that I'm not making all this shit up.

:-)

Its The End of Days!

2011-01-26T16:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, maybe not. I was sitting here at my desk minding my own business when out of the blue - KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM *window rattle window rattle startled dogs and panicking cats* - apparently this incoming snow storm decided to signal its start with some loud thunder. At least I hope that was what that was.

Anyway, I just saw this and was enamored with all the pastels. We are, apparently, about to get walloped.

Deep Thoughts

2011-01-25T15:32:00.001-05:00

I just received this in an email from a New Yawkah that I worked with at a local retail facility. We both hated it and we bonded over our mutual hatred of the retail business. He has since moved to Florida (and left me to suffer the cold) and regardless of what this message says, he's been married forever and a day.

I just emailed him back and told him that I would not be getting married now, thanks to him and his profound email, that it has opened my eyes. I shall continue to live like the strumpet I am - in heathen sin.

Grr

2011-01-21T05:34:00.001-05:00

So much for the great day yesterday.

We had a plumber coming to the house to fix a leak (that wasn't the bad part), so J stayed home from work (also not the bad part). Now to understand this next section I have to explain the layout of the house. There are 4 levels to this house, basement level is J and my office/family room space. It has 2 desks, a television, fridge, bathroom, etc.. all the comforts of home. Then there is the living room/kitchen level. Third level is 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, and 4th level is just one bedroom - which is the area that J's son occupies.

So yesterday he decided that instead of watching television in his room, he needed to watch tv on our office/family room. Okay fine, just don't watch anime (which I hate) or horror movies (which J hates). At one point I got up and walked outside (I was getting claustrophobic, lol). I walked out and looked into our two outbuildings, which are quickly filling up with empty boxes, so I walked inside and asked J's son to please go out and gather all the boxes up into one area and flatten them and stack them up. No big deal since most of them were already done, it was just continuing with the same pile of flat boxes - right?

Okay - here is the part that annoyed the everloving shit out of me:

He rolled his eyes at me.

Yes. He did it. He rolled his eyes at me.

I said nothing at first, but when he got up and went out to do the boxes, I said something to J about his son rolling his eyes at me. J saw it too.

I was livid. For some reason when someone rolls their eyes at me I go absolutely apeshit. Not sure why really. Its a sign of contempt to me, I suppose. And when someone who is living off of our hospitality with absolutely no contribution shows that kind of contempt in my general direction - oh my - it was not pretty.

Actually, I was fairly restrained with the kid, but poor J.. he had to listen to it all, and to his credit he did show sufficient sympathy to my plight... but he also knew to keep it low key because I would eventually calm down.

He was right. I calmed down. But our kitchen was spotless. lol

To make a short story even longer - J's son has gotten a dose of punishment. His dad told him he has until Saturday to get all the dog poo out of the backyard with the pooper scooper.

On another note, this vehicle was spotted at the local Best Buy. I was compelled to get a picture.

The Cartoon Car

5:30 a.m.

2011-01-20T05:30:00.000-05:00

Its crazy early and I'm up for some reason.. well.. I know the reason. Jake (the dog) was pacing around the bedroom wanting outside. Hardwood floors and dog toenails do nothing to advance my sleep agenda. *Tic Tic Tic - pause - Tic Tic Tic Tic Tic*

The weird thing is I woke up in a great mood. I'm having my tea (mixed with spiced cider, mmmm), oatmeal (yum) and listening to this:

I love Cat Stevens. :-)

Anyway, so far, nothing has bothered me (except seeing J's son dirty socks laying on my coat, but its my fault isn't it for leaving my coat laying on the sofa, yep.. my fault).

This is going to be a good day.

And So It Goes

2011-01-18T09:11:00.001-05:00

This has nothing to do with this blog post.

J's son, precious tyke that he is, is now going through a marriage split. Dunno why really, he's adorable.

Anyway... Now he has this girl that he wants to go visit who lives a good 4 hours away from here. He is demanding that his dad and/or mom take him (he doesn't drive). Understandably his parents are balking at this. After all, if you want to act like an ass, get married when you have no place to live, go through a divorce because you couldn't be arsed to find a place to live, and now you want to commit adultery with another girl who lives across the state from you, of COURSE we'll drive you there, anything you want honey really.. no no, REALLY.

He's a little upset that they aren't cooperating. I'd be upset if they did. His dad told him that getting him laid is not his problem or concern. I cheered.

I've been trying to impress upon this impressionable child that if he is going to expect to be able to do adult things, then he should expect to be accountable and responsible for doing those adult things. He doesn't get it and seems to think I am only nagging him. (It took me 3 times of yelling at him to get him to half-assedly clean the bathroom that only he uses). He says his mom is a bitch because she won't drive him there. I say good on ya bitch mom for refusing.

But.. but... and there is always a but.... having the house to ourselves for a week sounds like heaven.

Its a conundrum.

I Found This CD Whilst Unpacking

2011-01-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

Ain't nuthin better.

Adorable!

2011-01-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

My gorgeous descendant decided that Santa needed to bring her a Buzz Lightyear for Christmas this year.... so of course, Grammy Santa complied with her request.

So last night when this precocious child was sitting calmly on her mother's lap, she looked up at her mum, with her big blue eyes, and asked, "Where do baby Buzz's come from?"

Her mom, being my brilliant offspring that she is (obviously takes after me), said, "The toy store."

Classic. hehe

Back In Time

2011-01-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

It seems I am now being forced to raise a child. One who is stubborn, willful, thinks he should be allowed to do what he wants when he wants no matter who it inconveniences and without consequence. One who thinks that it is okay to eat a stack of 3 sandwiches for lunch. One who will look me in the eye and lie to me when I ask them did they do what I asked them to do. "Yes." No ya fucking well didn't. Glaring at me across the room. A child who doesn't feel he has to contribute in any way. One who believes it is to our privilege and great fortune to be allowed to live in this close proximity of his radiant presence.

Unfortunately, the child is a 21 year old grown man who still needs to grow up.

He lost his 8 year old cuteness long ago, and I'm quickly losing my last reserves of patience.

Confession Time

2011-01-07T10:12:00.001-05:00

I confess. I have never quite gotten over the LOLcat fascination. There is something about cat pictures with humorous misspelled sayings that provides me with endless entertainment. But now, alas, I believe I will be forced to stay off of that website.

It has started nagging me like a girlfriend with deadly PMS.

Look at these things:

Girl! Don't you ever take a............?

You need some exercise. Why don't you go try......?

Lifting weights would help you with that little problem you have with......

See what I mean?? It goes on and on, every single time I decide to have a laugh at the kitties these things pop up and gracefully slide across my screen, daring me to ignore them. Its sucking the fun out of the site I tell ya. If it tells me to quit smoking I'm going to cry.

Baring My Soul (But Not My Ass)

2011-01-05T05:16:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling rather, shall we say.. crappy, of late. My knee has been screaming, I've no energy, etc. J is one patient guy to live with my whining and still be acting as if he still likes me.

So I decided that right after the holidays were over I would start on a diet, and stick to it. I do pretty okay on those things if the motivation is there. My sore aching knee is good motivation... I figure if it doesn't have to carry so much dead weight around it has to get better. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So I started on this diet yesterday, meticulously counting my points, faithfully drinking the water, and lo and behold - I woke up this morning with almost no knee pain and feeling almost energetic.

All I can say is W.T.F.

I'll take what I can get with no complaints, but there is no way I could have lost enough weight in 1 day to make that much difference. I think God is messing with my head.

Happy New Year to Me.

2011-01-03T05:11:00.000-05:00

See the bottle above? J's son decided to celebrate the incoming New Year with a bottle of Jagermeister, just like the one above. Not being the kid's actual parent, I decided to shy away from adding my input to the decision, seeing as the kid is of legal drinking age, and the fact that his father was sitting across the room from me... and if his father was okay with it who was I to say no. Right? RIGHT?

Oh how I regret not speaking up.

The kid is in school during the week and he left last night to return to school. He had closed his bedroom door, but since we have 3 cats in the house (see post below), I thought I heard a noise in his room so opened the door to make sure there wasn't a cat locked in there (I swear that's all I was doing!). Anyway... I opened the door to this bedroom... in what I still consider J and my brand new house.... I opened the door... and I swear to fuck it looked like a murder scene in there. RED Yagermeister vomit all over the carpet. Beige. Carpet. It was a damn good thing the kid had gone back to school or it would have been an actual murder scene.

I thought he was being awfully quiet the last couple of days.

Now to come up with an appropriate - yet severe - response to the damage he has done.

No. I'm not going to kill him. I slept on that decision and ruled against it. But any response should make him wish I had just gone ahead and put him out of his misery.

Any suggestions?

They Are Still Here.

2011-01-02T06:13:00.000-05:00

*whimper*

The Christmas season has now come and gone and life can go back to its normal routine. IF ONLY.

I can't remember if I told you about the cats we are babysitting, and I can't be bothered to scroll back and look right now so I'll just tell you again. If it is like a self-repeating record then it will just reinforce my extreme unhappiness at the situation.

We moved into our new house at the end of October. Exactly one week later, J's daughter called her dad up crying, saying the people who were taking care of her cats were going to take her cats to the pound if someone didn't come get them (and she was staying with someone else so couldn't take them there). J, good father that he is, totally ignored my extreme displeasure of having these cats in our brand new house, went to pick them up to come and visit with us for a few weeks. That was two months ago. On Christmas Day, the cat's REAL mother was here and casually let it slide into the conversation that she won't be getting her own place for at least another month. That was her way of telling us another month of kitty hell in our new house.

Now don't get me wrong, I like cats, I do, I really do.... in fact we have a cat. Borden. He's one of the gang along with our two dogs. (Its like a zoo around here.) You are thinking to yourself, "What's the big deal, you already have all those creatures running around, why is keeping two extra cats so hard?" Well I'll tell ya.

They ain't my cats! They should be at their own house, damaging cabinets, beating up on each other, and eating all the food they can locate.

I woke up yesterday morning to this:

Okay, I concede she's cute. But she needs to go home.

Holiday Chickens!

2010-12-31T05:27:00.002-05:00

I have neglected my holiday posting, mostly because I have been unusually Scroogish (is that a word?) this year. So in light of my failings I have decided to make it up to you by posting a few cartoons from my favorite Chicken Artist. If this doesn't earn your forgiveness for my obvious failings, nothing will.

And yes, I am aware that this one is totally not a holiday toon, but it made me laugh so I'm putting it here anyway.

P.S.: I have bitch cat trying to get all up in my grill at the moment.. which is fine (I guess) because I am laid out across the sofa like I was Jabba Da Hut... but the problem is she keeps staring over my shoulder, acting kind of startled. Seeing as how it is 5:30 in the morning and nobody else is up, there shouldn't be anything over there for her to be staring at and I don't wanna turn around to see in case it is a zombie behind me.

The Escape Artist

2010-12-30T15:36:00.000-05:00

This is Jake, taken last year before we moved to the new abode. At this house we have a large back yard, completely fenced in, with no (apparent) way of getting out. He, however, has proven me wrong. I let him out to do his business and went back 15 minutes later to let him in and he was gone.. MY DOG WAS GONE!!

I grabbed my shoes, jacket, purse, keys (forgot my phone) and took off, driving around the block to look for him. I knew he hadn't gotten far, but considering his former reputation for bad assedness, I feared for the neighbor's safety. What I had forgotten is this 13 year old dog doesn't give a shit about being bad assed anymore, as long as the house is warm and they feed him.

I located him about 5 houses down from ours. The lady there had hold of his collar and was calling the vet's number that was on his tag. I pulled up and she told them his owner just showed up, thanks anyway, then she brought him to the car where he happily jumped in and settled in like he had been in the adventure of a lifetime. The neighbor (Bonnie, as I now know), was very nice, had given him a chew bone and kept him there until she could locate Jake's owner. Jake was behaving toward her as if he'd known her all his life.

It was kind of cute, actually.

But now he's home, warm and has been fed. His life is good.

Busy Busy Busy

2010-12-29T04:54:00.000-05:00

Christmas Day and the days surrounding it were quite busy. We had J's kids here.. which was interesting and included a physical altercation between siblings. I was in the kitchen whilst their father physically restrained and removed one sibling from the room (the man is stronger than he looks)... and was happy to stay there.

J's grandson, however, was here as well. I was quite entertained by this 2 year old North Carolina boy and we spent nearly all waking minutes of his four days visiting together, just chillin. He kept laying his head on me telling me he liked me... at one point he told me he didn't like me, right before he laid his head on my shoulder and cuddled up. I didn't believe him. There was one problem I had with the child though. He flat refused to sit still! I was trying to take pictures of him and in every single picture of him, one body part (or more) was a blur from his wiggling all over the place. So to combat this problem I decided to take a video of him and then just run it and pick out a good shot of him to use as a picture. Bad move. He had decided he didn't want to be videoed and he told me to stop it. I told him I was just trying to get a good picture of him... he commenced to cussing me out like a freaking sailor.

Ooops.

And I got it on video. HAHAHAHAAA

Anyway... I mentioned to his mother (after she had used a few choice words in a conversation) that her boy has been cussing at us. She smiled, ruefully, and said that she has told him those fucking words were fucking bad, he knows they are bad, and then continued on as if nothing was said.

The boy did try to back down when I told him those were bad words. He tried to tell me he was a bad boy. I said no, you are a good boy, but that word is bad. NO I'M A BAD BOY!!

*sigh*

And The Lord Did Grin.

2010-12-25T11:42:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everybody. Grin with the Lord for the holiday. :-)

In Days Gone By...

2010-12-22T16:43:00.000-05:00

One evening, whilst I was still chilling with my homies in Savannah, I received a phone call from my son - who at the time was approximately 12 years old. He was in the car with his dad and was giving his poor father loads of shit because his dad had a date that night. So he called me.

I, of course, joined in the fun.

What's her name? Fluffy Butt (I just made that up right here in the spot, I crack myself up). Anyway, it continued on for a bit.. and the conversation got around to where he met her at. He told us (my son was relaying all the information back and forth between his dad and myself). I told my son to tell his dad that it was better than where I met my last boyfriend. Of course this peaked his dad's interest and he had to ask.. where did you meet your last boyfriend?

In rehab.

I heard the wariness creep into his dad's voice, he wasn't sure if I was serious or not.

He finally asked (through my son, who was suppressing gales of laughter), was I still with him? I said no, I broke up with him and went back to my ex girlfriend.

Silence.

My son, on the other hand, was about to bust a gut. It was great. hehe

Not As Good As A Zygmie.. but nearly..........

2010-12-20T09:02:00.002-05:00

This was forwarded to me by a friend, I had no choice but post it.

*insert inappropriate giggles here*

Oh Em Gee...

2010-12-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

J and I have been playing a video game (that will rename unnamed, lest you call me geeky names). Okay, the thing is, I have a thing for mini people.. dunno why, its just the way I roll. Midgets... love em. Gnomes - omg - what can be better than magical mini people?? But now I have discovered a new love... PYGMIES!

Mini people with killer attitude? For the love of gawd I can't take the cuteness overload! The only thing that could get better than that would be if there were zombie pygmies.

I just realized, this is another post that reveals how totally odd I truly am.

Speaking of Sweeping....

2010-12-10T09:04:00.000-05:00

My grandmunchkin, adorable little tyke... has made a friend.

This is the little beauty:

And yes. She is every bit ornerier than she even looks here. She also has a bit of a weird streak. See this thing here:

My mother has one of these and she has played a game with chasing Little Britches around the house with it when she is sweeping. Now LB has decided that thing is her best friend and is all the time pulling it out of the closet to have my mom sweep. She has named it Buddy. She says, "C'mon Buddy." (Pulling it out of the closet.) She then drags it over to my mom and makes her sweep the floor with it while LB runs around in front of it. Told ya she was a bit strange.

At least Mom's floors stay clean.

I Love The Sweep Function

2010-12-09T06:23:00.000-05:00

I have a junk email address that I never... well, hardly ever.. even look at. That is vaguely bad because I do have a few important emails (think IRS important) going to that email address and if they emailed me to tell me I was on my way to prison, I have been living in blissful ignorance.

So yesterday I ordered J's Christmas prezzie and logged onto my junk email account to check to see the order status since I used that email address. I logged on to 3,829 unread emails.

You read that right. Three Thousand (comma) Eight Hundred and Twenty Nine. Unread. Emails.

What is so cool though is that a big chunk of them can be swept away. I can checkmark an email address and hit the SWEEP button, and Hotmail (in a moment of divine genius) will automatically delete every one of the emails from that particular sender. Brilliant, I say! One particular email sweep automatically deleted 483 emails from the same sender.

Ahhhh life is good. I am currently down to 2,796 unread emails. It may take me a while to get them all, I can feel the boredom setting in - hence the stupid blog post.

;-)

Ugh

2010-12-05T04:33:00.000-05:00

I've heard the song Hallelujah covered by practically everyone who sings. Last night it was sung on a Christmas special... its not a Christmas song as far as I'm concerned, but to each its own. Its depressing if you listen to the words.

But.. I still love it when its sung by the man. Leonard Cohen wrote it and nobody can sing it like he does.

Yay!

2010-12-04T07:06:00.002-05:00

We have a winner (who wishes to remain anonymous).. so virtual cookie via email, I guess.

I'm told that the weird thing below is a weaving shuttle from an old loom and NOT a vagina (sorry Jess).

Thanks for playing!

What Is It??

2010-12-03T04:12:00.000-05:00

This thing is hanging on the post right outside our back door. It is about 12 inches long and I am hoping someone out there might see it and can tell me what it is.

Anyone? Anyone?

I'll give ya cookie.....

Sprickets Everywhere!

2010-12-01T07:56:00.000-05:00

When I lived in Savannah I had to tolerate Palmetto Bugs... gigantic cockroachy things that sneak in your house no matter how diligent you are about cleaning, no matter how much money you had, no matter where you lived. They were just there and you had to live with it (or do like me, get a dog whose greatest pleasure was killing them).

Here in Maryland we have Sprickets a/k/a Camel Crickets. I realize they are just weird looking crickets, but I was told they were part spider and that was enough for me.

They live in your house and there is nothing NOTHING that you can do about it. I was also told they bite, which makes it even creepier.

BUGS ARE TAKING OVER! And cats. Cats are taking over too. I think I shall go hide in my bedroom now.

Have Ya Ever.....

2010-11-30T05:33:00.000-05:00

Had a friend that you knew was doing something that was so excruciatingly difficult for them to do, that you weren't sure they would go through with it? Something that you personally didn't think should be that hard to do, but you never had to do it, so you just don't know.

A very close friend of mine felt the need to do something that should have been done ages ago. She was brave, she was honest, she did what had to be done and her family still loves her. (Told ya.)

Well done Jess. You make me proud.

We will all dance at your wedding. :-)

The Case of (da da daaaaa) The Missing Peanut Butter Fudge

2010-11-27T06:52:00.003-05:00

I must brag on myself a little here. I make the best peanut butter fudge on the face of the planet (as well as mashed potatoes but that is a different story). Anyway, I made some peanut butter fudge for J's son to take to his wife's family's house for the holiday. There was a lot left so I put it in a green (yes green) container. That container has gone missing.

The last time I saw the container or the fudge was Thursday night, we were both propped up in our bed watching television and snarfing fudge. It has since disappeared.

J ain't talking.

I have ways to make him talk.

When asked where it was, he stared at me then said (in a tone.. he used a tone)- but he said, "its downstairs."

I'm downstairs now and I see no green container of peanut butter fudge anywhere.

Something sinister is afoot. I am on the case.

Update: The missing fudge has been located. No questions please. *hands over the camera*

Move along. Nothing further to see here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T08:03:00.000-05:00

I am not a poet, but in honor of Thanksgiving Day I have been inspired to new heights of poetic inspiration. Enjoy.

The Lament of the Unwashed Dishes

a poem, by Deb

Thanksgiving Day, a day of thanks and gratitude,

of turkey dinners and pumpkin pie,

of unbuttoned pants and family angst;

A day of love and honor and working together,

to enjoy a family meal.

As I walked into the kitchen my heart swelled

with affection and gratitude that you had done the dishes the day before.

No dirty dishes in the sink to hinder my creativity.

But alas -

alas.

Upon opening the dishwasher to remove a spoon it was discovered,

the horror.

You had not washed the dishes, you had piled them in the dishwasher.

Unrinsed.

You had not placed dishwasher soap in the soap bin.

You had not started the dishwasher.

The dishes. They were dirty with last night's spaghetti.

They were coated with your extra helping of Chef Boyardee Ravioli.

The truth. It was ugly.

Alas.

Another Thanksgiving Day.

The End.

I hope this poem inspires you to help with the dishes. :-)

I Totally Did That!

2010-11-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

I was skimming over old blog posts. Believe it or not this blog has been around for 5 1/2 years, with my first post being on March 25, 2005. Anyway.. I found a post that had the following paragraph in it, from September of 2005:

That almost makes me wish I had a life so I could have fun with it. I think I'll plan a solo vacation, to Scotland. I'll stay in a tiny bed & breakfast in a tiny town, and walk the back roads and explore the nooks and crannies, and have people laugh at my accent (or lack of one actually), find a nice, devastatingly handsome scot to have a holiday affair with, and then go quietly on my way, leaving him behind to pine for me.

Sounds like a plan. hehe

I realized that the bed & breakfast was a Holiday Inn in Glasgow, but I so totally did the above, and it was GREAT. I love it when my ridiculous fantasies come true. I wonder if he still pines for me. ;-)

Airport Xrays

2010-11-22T08:37:00.001-05:00

I was wondering, with my knee in the sorry shape it is in, can I just book a cheap flight and go through the x-ray machine at the airport? That would probably cost less than a doctor visit.

Maybe not.

I'm not sure how many people outside the U.S. is hearing about the furor over here with being x-rayed before a flight. We can "opt out," but if we do we get the sexual assault treatment, which includes getting your man bits or lady bits felt up. I dunno about you guys, but if us ladies were all that interested in smuggling something illegal through the security lines, we have a built in hiding place... pretty soon they will have their screeners checking that out as well. Anyway, that is beside the point...

I've done a bit of research (about 2 minutes worth), and I came up with a couple of images for you to peruse.

I'm not sure about you, but this one above seems pretty damn explicit to me. What the point of this is I have yet to ascertain. And why is this image being released? TSA claims the images aren't saved... if they aren't saved then I shouldn't have been able to find these images, should I? I love how our government treats us like a bunch of wayward kindergarteners. Tell us what they think we want to hear, true or not.. and hopefully we'll shut up and take our naps and leave them alone to further advance their agendas (do I sound like a conspiracy theorist? I hope so, I always wanted to be one of those weirdos).

This is an x-ray I found of shoe bombs. I couldn't be bothered to read the entire article, but it is here on the TSA website, if you are interested. Now this is technology I can understand. Hollowed out shoes. It has been proven and reported that there are idiots out there in the world that are trying to hurt us infidels. By blowing off their feet on a crowded airplane. I understand the x-raying of shoes and fully support it. I take my shoes off without complaint when I go to fly somewhere. In some weird way it makes me feel a little bit safer... but ... x-rays of all my lady bits does not. It makes me feel violated.

Baby Brother O'Mine works for one of the major airline carriers as a pilot. I asked him what the policy on the x-rays and pat downs for the air crew is. He says they were told by their union not to comply. I just wish us regular folks had that choice. As it is the only choice we have is to comply or don't fly.

I did find a link on the TSA website to another article that claims that 4 out of 5 Americans support the policies. I call bullshit on that one. Read for yourself. Bullshit.

Later.

Another One.....

2010-11-19T08:05:00.000-05:00

I guess you guys are getting tired of the complaining about my life posts, but some things are just too weird not to post so shut up, suck it up, and read this shit...

Bacon. It is not designed to be eaten raw. It is by nature a delicious treat, when cooked and all the nasties are removed from it, but unless you have something like this:

.... then eating raw bacon is a bad idea. It can make you deathly ill, give you parasites and weird ass diseases, and according to an episode of House can give you tapeworm of the brain.

Unfortunately for J's son, he never saw that episode.

Last night I went into the kitchen to cook dinner (nothing fancy, pancakes & bacon). However, upon opening the refrigerator door and removing the package of bacon, it was discovered that the bacon was mostly gone. The package was nearly empty. I was taken aback...when did I cook that? Did I sleep cook? I don't remember smelling bacon cooking.. OMG I'm losing time I must have multiple personalities. When did my other personality cook that bacon??

No. Nothing so interesting. J's son ate it.

Raw.

As in uncooked. He said he didn't know it had to be cooked. He's 21 years old! Hasn't his mother ever told him don't eat raw pork or chicken? What the hell???

I was quite upset, not least because bacon is a helluva expensive item to buy these days, but because now I've got a 21 year old, 6'0" dude living under my roof that is going to get tapeworm of the brain, and I just know I'm going to be asked to change his diapers.

Things are definitely not going as planned.

Great Googly Moogly!!!

2010-11-16T05:52:00.002-05:00

So I may (or may not) have told you about J's son now living with us. He's married, but nobody will take in him and his wife - I am pretty sure that the reasons being just their pure power to annoy the living shit out of everyone around them. Anyway, he is now staying with us. Our grocery bill has now tripled.

Example - last night we ordered one of those HUGE Pizza Hut Big Italy pizzas... along with 2 orders of bread sticks (when J asked my why I got two orders, I just said I would like to get one). So the pizza arrives, J gets a few slices, I get a few slices and I grab a package of the bread sticks, and he and I head down to the family room. Fast forward 30 minutes later with J's son hollering down could he have the other package of bread sticks. Since J and I had already split the other package, J told him yes, he could have them. We then went to go outdoors for a cigarette and passed by the EMPTY pizza box EMPTY!! This was a Big Italy, which, according to Wikipedia, is nearly 2 feet long! He ate the whole thing and then came back for the bread sticks!

Oh.MY. GAWD.. I can't even type that right I'm so amazed.

Then.. THEN... I get up this morning and wander through the kitchen thinking I might like a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal (I love that stuff). Actually it is the Malt-O-Meal brand but it tastes just as good. Anyway, last week we had bought the big gigantic bag of cereal (because we knew). That bag of cereal was approximately the size of a 20 pound bag of potatoes, it was a LARGE LARGE bag. I filled a cereal container with it and put it on the counter. Within 2 days it was half gone. So I refilled the container with what was left in the bag. I have had two (count em 2) bowls of my beloved Captain Crunch. But when I went in to fetch a bowl today was I able to get any? No. All that is left in the container is Captain Crunch dust. Taunting me.

He also ate my chicken that I had left over from our pub dinner the other night. Gone. Just gone.

*sigh*

Oh.. maybe I should put J's multiple containers of grits on the cabinet in the hopes that his son will snarf it up. I hate that crap.

The Final Countdown

2010-11-12T08:23:00.003-05:00

Before you read this post you are required to click the play to the above video. It sets the tone.

Got it? Good.

Okay, we are on the final countdown of house moving. Almost everything is moved over, but now we have to go over and clean the place up. The bad part is that my knee is the approximate size and shape of a smallish basketball. It hurts... but I am trudging through, knowing that it has to be done. Also unfortunately, we are reaping the benefits of having two long haired dogs and a long haired cat. Piles of hair underneath every spot that there was unmovable furniture. Its icky.

On a side note, I'm listening to the above music while I type this, it is trying to inspire me to be overly dramatic about everything.

So, let me ask you guys' opinion. J has been busy moving his stuff over.. things he had packed in boxes, etc., that I have never laid eyes on. I was perusing the goods this morning and discovered three (count em' 3) pairs of girl shoes. Obviously they do not belong to him because his feet are bigger than that**. Anyway - I like em, they fit me, but I do believe they belonged to an old girlfriend of his. Would it be kosher of me to steal them? I have no qualms whatsoever of wearing old girlfriend hand-me-downs, but what if we run into her at the mall and she sees me wearing her shoes?? I've lived with him in heathen sin for 2 years now, I'm assuming she has no plans to come back for them, but still...... what do you think? (Hey, Brian J., if you are reading this, what would Dr. Creepy do??)

And another question! Now that I'm in overly dramatic mode... Why, oh WHY, can't my phone (Samsung HTC Epic) send pictures I have taken to my email. I can take the pictures, it says they are emailed, but the ~~emails never arrive THEY NEVER ARRIVE~~! Nevermind.. it just arrived.

Dramatic Tree

This was taken in the front yard of our brand spanking new house. Yes I know, I should be taking house pictures, but there are boxes everywhere and our pool is covered with some weird and unattractive barrier so that I can't access it. I'm told its a pool cover, but it seems to have just been put into place to thwart me. So you get trees.

I'm out. Love ya mean it!!!

P.S.: I had finished this post and was goofing off on the computer and decided to have a look at my sitemeter. Someone was referred to this blog from doing a search for....... wait for it......... "peeing grannies." That is just so wrong on so many levels. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

**What is it with me and cross dressing lately??

Have You Ever...

2010-11-09T05:01:00.000-05:00

Just looked at someone and known that they needed immediate help? J's daughter was over last night - the poor girl looks about as beat down as one person can get. I told J its time to invite her to stay and he has agreed, so it looks like we will now have two (2) grown adult kids living with us.

I am suddenly very tired.

Although to be fair, that could be because I thought I was waking up at a normal person time, and got up to find out that the clock next to my bed is extreme in its wrongness and it was only 4:30. But... on the bright side... the alarm will be coming on in about 15 minutes and J will be quite pissed. I will just laugh my evil laugh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA because I asked him last night to set the clock to the correct time.

In other man news - I got a text message from my daughter on Saturday night, telling me that she heard something crazy about her dad and that I was supposed to call her ASAP. Well, I didn't. I texted her back and said if she is talking about his cross dressing habits then I already knew about that.

Some people have no sense of humor.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd She's Back (Yet Again)

2010-11-08T04:40:00.000-05:00

There is something sublime about being able to sit at my desk in the middle of the night & chain smoke and drink energy drinks and play on the internet. Except now:

NEW HOUSE NEW RULES

We don't smoke in the house anymore. I have to go outdoors, in frigid Maryland weather, if I want a cigarette. Its getting to the point that it is too cold to bother with. Thank God I have my e-cigs.. but... unfortunately... for me... cuz I'm a stoopidhead... I lost the charger in the move. Well, its not lost, its packed and I have been unable to locate it, so no e-cigs for now. Those things are great though, they create water vapor instead of smoke, so you can use them anywhere (they say), no secondhand smoke, and they plug right into your USB port to recharge (if you don't lose your charger in oh.. say.. a house move).

In further news, J's son is now living with us. A 21 year old married man, but nobody will allow the two of them to live together in matrimonial bliss, so she lives with her parents still and he has just moved in with us. (Its a long long story.) Anyway, chores and him are unfamiliar friends and it seems to be up to me to make sure he pitches in and does some stuff around here. Last night after dinner I had cleaned the kitchen and about an hour later he comes down with dishes from his bedroom, which he piled in the sink and left for me to clean. Considerate, eh? I marched to the stairs and politely screamed JOSEPH!! GET DOWN HERE AND WASH THESE DISHES! He came down, rinsed them and went back up the stairs, leaving the rinsed dishes in the sink. I again politely went to the stairs JOSEPH!!! Him: Whut? Me: When I say wash the dishes, I mean turn on the freaking hot water, soap up the sponge, WASH THEM, dry them, andthenputthemwheretheybelongbecauseifyoukeepdishesinyourroompastthetimeofmeloadingthedishwasheritisuptoyoutowashwhatyouhavetherebecauseIamnotafreakingservanttowashyourdishesatyoureverywhim. Ya got it??? Him: Yes. I expected his dad to be a lil mad at me, but he just looked at me and smirked. I do love him lots. hehe

Another issue I am having is with my left knee. It hurts. A lot. I'm not sure what I did to it, twisted the hell out of it somehow, but walking the stairs in this place is sometimes quite painful, and unpacking is being done very slowly. I have no kneecap really, where it should be is approximately the size and shape of a basketball. Ace Bandages rule. (I started to add something here about my ability to be on my knees and how lucky J is that it hasn't affected that, but I thought that would be uncouth and I'm all about couthiness on this blog.)

So there ya have it, a complaint post. Feel free to poke as much fun of me as you like.. I welcome your sarcasm and ridicule. Anything to take my mind off the 21 year old married man that is living in what should be J and my sex shack but has turned into a familial compound. (There's another post, his daughter informed us she was bringing her two cats for us to babysit.. for two months. Ya think I went apeshit over the dishes? That was nothing.)

;-)

In Honor of Halloween (and because I'll be offline for a few days)

2010-10-28T06:48:00.063-04:00

I thought I'd put together a list of the all time top 5 horror movie titles with the cheesiest descriptions (in my inflated opinion, that is). Without further ado:

#5 Buttcrack

The gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' Preacher Man Bob must right the universal karma accidently set wrong when Brian inadvertantlty kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade. (I have actually seen this one and laughed my ass off BWAHAHAHAHAHAA... was a Christmas gift from the former boss dude.)

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#4 Rabid Grannies

When given a demonic present by their black sheep nephew two kindly old grannies are transformed into demons who proceed to gorily knock-off their greedy relatives.

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#3 Killer Condom

A professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him. But when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.

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#2 Pot Zombies

Radioactive weed turns people into zombies with the munchies for human flesh!

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#1 Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren't the only ones crying fowl!

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Personally I can't wait to watch the Poutrygeist movie (I bet I never look at KFC the same again.). I totally plan to watch all the rest for Halloween. :-)

This Song Is Stuck In My Head

2010-10-27T09:42:00.000-04:00

Just FYI - my methods are totally scrutable.

Halloween's a Comin'

2010-10-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

I am attempting to get the house packed, but am getting very little cooperation. I was going to write a haunted post, but thought I'd do this instead. :-)

(p.s. Jess: I had a WEIRD ASS dream about having an affair with DRS last night. OMG it reminded me of you and some of our conversations in the office, LOL)

Anyone Seen My Head?

2010-10-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

It was totally bit off this morning. I've been unable to locate it ever since....

Love It

2010-10-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

This song brings back so many memories from when I was a kid.... and some from adult years.

I think I'll make this my theme song.*

*subject to frequent changes of mind

Moving Moving Moving

2010-10-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

I may have mentioned (once or twice) that I hate moving. I prefer to be lazy and just let it all find its way to the new house somehow. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening, so up off my arse it is. I've just discovered that J hasn't made the cable guy appointment yet either, so we are likely to be without internet for a bit. (OHMYGAWDWTF HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE??)   Luckily my fancy new phone (HTC Epic) is a mobile hotspot. I rather doubt the connection will be worth much, but I'll let ya know how it works.

Topic change:   Last night I had a 15 minute conversation with God. (Yes, I do believe I was dreaming.) I remember asking questions, I remember the questions being clearly answered. I do not remember the questions or the answers. It sucks... a God conversation and I remember none of it. The story of my life.

If you could have a 15 minute conversation with God and knew he would answer anything you asked, what would you ask?

Why haven't I won the lottery?    - Because you don't play.
Why aren't I thin and beautiful? - Because you are a lazy arse who likes chocolate too much.

Things like that?

lol

I Stole This From A Friend's Facebook

2010-10-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

This makes perfect sense to me. Obviously dogs have less sense of humor than birds. Either that or birds are too easily influenced and dogs have an inner maternal streak. Either way, if my dogs start trying to dictate when I consume any alcoholic recreational beverages they are going to be locked in the bathroom for the duration.

Just sayin.

I'd have loved to have heard the police officer's conversation as they drove away from that one. hehe

T Minus 18 Days (plus a bit of randomness)

2010-10-12T10:30:00.002-04:00

We will be moving into the new place in 18 days. I hate moving. We've barely started packing and its crazy insane how much two people can accumulate. I hate moving. Our basement is packed wall to wall with mostly my crap from my Savannah days (which I never unpacked in anticipation for moving). I hate moving. Fortunately, when we get moved into the new house, I will finally finally FINALLY get to unpack my crap.. it will feel like Christmas morning since I haven't laid eyes on that stuff in ages. I hate moving. Unfortunately (and as I have lamented in earlier posts), our pool will be closed down and unusable until next summer. I hate moving. I also need to make an appointment to get the extremely furry dogs shaved so we don't have dog hairballs from one end of our brand new house to the other. I hate moving.

Random aside moment: I just saw a commercial for Burn Notice. I like the show and watch it rather often, but one thing bugs the shit out of me. Have any of you noticed that in the first season Fiona had an Irish accent (albeit a really horrible one), but she was supposedly a member of the IRA, etc.. but second season she totally lost the accent. Do you Irish folks lose your accents that easily? (/end random aside)

Oh wait.. another random aside: Anything @twitter makes me cringe. I hate it. (/end second random aside)

So anyway.. I think I may have mentioned that I hate moving.

Dear Dawn Wells:

2010-10-10T11:52:00.001-04:00

I did a blog post a while back, back in your party days.. back when you, like the majority of Americans, dabbled with the apocynum cannabinu, piddled with the pretendica, fondled the flowers (sorry, I love Urban Dictionary) - smoked the ganja - okay okay I'll stop - you got busted with the weed. I did this post from the perspective of your arresting officer and, personally, I thought it quite clever. However, looking back I can spot one mistake that I made in that post. I posted a picture of you from Gilligan's Island days. You were smokin' hot in that pic and apparently lots and LOTS of people thought so as well since I get the majority of my blog hits from people Googling that picture.

I love ya Dawn, I really do, but this development has started to bug me. I have done so many other posts that were cleverer, yet they don't receive any of the attention that you in your itty bitty shorts do.

But I'm not bitter.

Most people would be thinking about now that any attention to my blog is better than none (and to be fair, if not for your hotness, this blog would be receiving none).

Wait.. wait.. okay. I'll take it. I concede that most people would be right. Keep it coming people - Dawn Wells rocks the farm!

My apologies for the complaints Dawn. I take it all back. In fact I will post another picture of your current hotness (damn woman look your age for gawd's sake). It isn't fair that you are still this gorgeous at your age.

Ginger who?

(Sorry, I had to.)

Guess What I Get To Do Today??

2010-10-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

I get to go learn how to close a swimming pool for the season in our brand new house with our brand new pool.

Fuck My Life.

LOL

I Need A New Title

2010-10-08T12:18:00.001-04:00

"Inspirational Moments from the Duly Busted" had its moment but that moment has passed. I chose that name back in the day when I lived in Savannah and somehow my employers found out about this blog and pointed out that they didn't find some of my posts humorous. Well... to be fair.. most of the ones they were protesting was about a stupid jerk of a bitch who worked in the office with us and not about the office itself, which is probably the only reason they didn't fire me. They knew she was a stupid jerk but they had to at least pretend to be concerned. So I added that title and all was well, but it is no longer relevant and I need a new one. I'm thinking of using Jess' description of me - slutmonkey cootercanoeing hobag - which I find quite amusing.

In further news - it has come to my attention that this blog currently comes up as #1 starred Google search for "Controversial Toys." I did one (1) blog post on that topic and suddenly I'm the #1 Google expert on it? I'm not even mentioning the part where I'm linked in an Iowa Newspaper for the same thing. I'M FAMOUS! hehe

Okay, so since I'm already famous for that, I might as well add a few more, eh?

What kid doesn't want bloody cat guts for their birthday? Actually, this is from a crafting site. I really really like the tiger holding the bloody human arm in his mouth. Can one of you creative people make that for me, please?

Next up is Lego Terrorists (not made by Lego). These are custom designed by a company called Brickarms and, of course, some of the militant Muslim faith take offense at these. Dunno why. Oh.. and that company also sells Nazi soldiers for your Lego set. It would be a deprived child that doesn't have a toy Nazi.

This adorable little puppy is Squirt, the Humping Bulldog. Oddly enough I just thought of the Georgia Bulldogs when I saw this - but that is beside the point. Strap him on and watch him go (oh the inappropriate visuals that accompanied my typing that line). He can be found here,

And last, but definitely not least:

The Jesus Saves bank. Not exactly a toy, but just as entertaining as one. I believe (bwahahaha) that if you take the money from one beer a week and deposit into your Jesus Saves bank, at the end of 3 months your Jesus will have saved you up enough for one 12 pack of beer. A miracle!

Okay, that is all for now. Seeing as how I seem to be the (self-proclaimed) expert on controversial toys, this post should only add to the legend that is me.

Love ya mean it!

Where's Deb??

2010-10-07T17:37:00.003-04:00

I was in the process of removing all my posts and I was just going to leave one that said "Goodbye," but I have found myself noticing the absurdities of life again lately and need an outlet to post them. Facebook doesn't do it for me because my parents (and all my Canada-ian relatives) are listed as friends there, and any fucking bad language would cause my parents to disown me and remove me from their will. Soooo.. here I am, back again.

I've been gone so long that I don't know what all the Blogspot does these days, so I will have to spend some time exploring all the various bells & whistles (and do lots of button pushing) to see what is what. Hopefully I won't screw my blog up because 1) I no longer have a backup of it since I reformatted my computer; and 2) there is no 2 really, I just thought numbering my sorry excuses made them look more plausible. Hopefully there will be a few of you who remember me. If not, maybe a few more friends will wander this way.

Okay so let's start with current news. We (as in J and myself) have bought a house that we will be moving into at the end of the month. It has a pool. The rest of the house is irrelevant. Unfortunately, moving into a house with a pool in Maryland means that the pool will be unused until next spring, and that fucking pool will be mocking me all winter long. Stupid pool.

Also, I have discovered that "Do you have a blog?" is now an accepted job interview question. How am I supposed to answer that?? Do I confess to having a blog and have them find out that I'm an irreverent cow, or do I lie? Its a conundrum. ADVISE ME PLEASE!

In further news, our dog Maybe has gone senile. She is 16 years old and for the most part acts like a puppy (when she's not asleep), but she has also forgotten that she is housetrained and that peeing on the carpet is a definite no-no. How do you discipline a 16 year old senile dog? I can't smack her on the nose with a newspaper cuz it might make her pee again.. plus that would feel like I'm trying to discipline someone's grandmother.. it would be disrespectful. Another conundrum.

So there ya go. Posting my mundane daily issues make them seem more interesting really.

I MISSED YOU GUYS!!!

Ta Daaaaaa

2010-04-19T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am only doing this so I can go back to the top of Jess's blog list.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Conversations with my Kid

2009-10-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

The following is an actual conversation I recently had with my son*.

The most awesome son ever: Hey, you should ask Lulu (not her real name) to ask Wayne Coyne if I can take him to lunch. Maybe it will help that I'm in college now?

Me: Would probably be more helpful if you had actual cash to take him to lunch with?

Awesome son: I can spare some money for WAYNE COYNE. Gosh..

Me: lol You're so cool.

Awesome son again: Seriously though.

* The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Oh. My. Gawd - Thank the Good Lord

2009-10-01T15:48:00.001-04:00

I just read this article - Filming of Jon & Kate kids halted.

I swear to god I have never been so sick of stupid TV drama since the days of Anna Nicole. Through all of their bullshit I have thought often of those kids, what they are being told, etc. They have lived their entire lives in front of a camera with parents who's only talents seem to be the ability to massively procreate. Their dad stepping in and putting a stop to it is finally the right thing to do, even if he did time it badly to the point of making it look like it is just sour grapes, since he was basically being phased out... although phasing out the father of 8 kids would be a bit of a difficult task. I guess he put them in their place, didn't he.

I think I like him more than the fame grubbing mother. Even if her haircut did get Jessica an enormous amount of blog hits.

Maybe they will all go away now.

Karma

2009-09-28T12:50:00.000-04:00

It gets ya every time.

JC's son is visiting with us this week. On Saturday, his mother called him practically yelling at him over the phone. Apparently he had ran the cell phone bill up, A LOT (when JC asked how much, the number was $800). What I find so amusing was the expression of delight on JC's face when he heard this, and here is the reason why - When his son's birthday came up in May, we went shopping and got him a prepay cell phone for his birthday, and splurged on a goodly amount of minutes for him. When JC told his ex wife what he had gotten his son, she seemed all for it, said she would pitch in for minutes, etc. She then went down and bought a brand spanking new cell phone and put JC's son on her plan.... so the birthday gift that JC had gotten was completely useless. Needless to say that did not go over well, but JC being JC, decided to just let it go instead of stirring a fuss over it. We just have this silly phone now that nobody can use.

Fast forward to this past Saturday and his ex wife with an $800 cell phone bill. I had never seen JC's face light up like that.. not even when we......... back behind the............. that made him happy, but the $800 cell phone bill made him delirious.

I just had to laugh. Karma can be such a bitch sometimes.

Sunday Morning

2009-09-20T10:18:00.000-04:00

It's fall, the weather is cool.. it is my first fall season in about 11 years. After living in Savannah which seems to have only two seasons - hot summer and approximately two weeks of cold weather that I suppose counts as winter - I am enjoying ACTUAL FALL WEATHER. It puts me in the mood to get up on weekends and cook what I cooked this morning. Banana pancakes with butter pecan syrup.

Yeah baby. Life is good. :-)

Pillagin' an' Plundering

2009-09-19T08:12:00.002-04:00

Its Talk Like A Pirate Day! As I be havin' spake, this be me favorite holiday o' th' voyage. If someone wants t' start a petition t' make 't a national holiday, I be th' first t' sign. Hopefully I be able t' do several posts today in celebration o' this auspicious tide - that be unless me own swabbieal swashbuckler keeps me too busy t' get t' another post. But first, here be some cartoons from me favorite chicken site:

Sprail th' marnacles, that totally made me giggle. The Chickens toons can be found at Savage Chickens. I be indebted to ye Mr. Savage.

I'm a Winner

2009-09-18T16:45:00.000-04:00

I just got the good news in an email:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59
 
Dear Selected winner,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash Prize of 
£615,193.00 (Six Hundred and Fifteen Thousand, One Hundred and Ninety Three 
Pounds Sterling in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in the United Kingdom.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our 
computerised email selection system from a database of over 250,000,000 email 
addresses drawn from all the continents of the world which your email was among 
the first seven (7) lucky winners.
To file for claim contact the claims officer via email by providing the 
following information:
 
Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................
 
For due remittance of funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691
 
Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.
 
NOTE: YOUR RESPONSE SHOULD BE SENT TO THE CLAIMS 
OFFICER MR. WILLIAM PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Now I have to decide what to do with my new windfall. First thing first though - I must translate the above letter into pirate for Talk Like A Pirate Day:

UKNL Foundation
Ref: LSUK/1507/1982/15
Batch: R3/A312-59

Dear Selected winner,
This be t' inform ye that ye ben selected fer a cash Prize o'
£615,193.00 (Six Bucketfull o' an' Fifteen Thousand, One Bucketfull o' an' Ninety Three
Pounds Sterlin' in cash from our international online promo sweepstakes held
in th' United Kingdom.
Th' selection process be carried ou' through random selection in our
computerised email selection system from a database o' o'er 250,000,000 email
addresses drawn from all th' continents o' th' world which yer email be among
th' first se'en (7) lucky winners.
T' file fer claim contact th' claims officer via email by providin' th'
followin' information:

Reference Number: LSUK/1507/1982/15
1.Name:.............
2.Address:............
3.Occupation:.............
4.Nationality:............
5.Age:..................
6.Phone:...............
7.Sex:...................

Fer due remittance o' funds.
CONTACT: Mr William Page.
EMAIL: uknl-williampage@w.cn
TEL :+44 701 114 8691

Yours Truly,
Dr. Jayaprakash Sreenarasimhaiah.
Online Co-ordinator.
UKNL Foundation.

NOTE: YER RESPONSE ORTIN' TA BE SENT T' TH' CLAIMS
OFFICER MR. WI BE PAGE VIA EMAIL (uknl-williampage@w.cn) ONLY.

Pirate booty! I won pirate booty! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Woot!

2009-09-17T15:59:00.000-04:00

Hey guys! I know ye be on top o' this, but I jus' thought I would remind ye that two, count em TWO, days from now be Talk Like A Pirate Day, a/k/a me most favorite holiday o' th' voyage. I be so excited! A round o' grog fer sea dogs an' land lubbers! Time t' pillage an' plunder! Time t' act like th' wench I be!

Arrr. I feel better now, but look ou', thar be more like this on th' way.

Help Meeeeeeeeee!

2009-09-16T06:53:00.000-04:00

Okay, maybe out of the two of you that read this, you will know why (oh why) my uploaded pictures are coming out so FREAKING GIGANTIC in blog posts such as the one below this one. I've tried everything, even renaming them and reuploading them. Nothing fixes it.

Its driving me crazy. Yes I'm whining. Help?

Zombie Fun

2009-09-15T14:17:00.010-04:00

I am in a time pinch here.. JC will be home from work in approximately two hours, and I must make it look like I have not been a completely useless slouch for most of the day, but I thought I'd do a blog post on these must have zombie items, for your viewing pleasure.

1) The Dismember Me Plush Zombie

Every child should have one of these, to prepare them for the eventual zombie onslaught. If they know which parts remove easiest, they will have a head start (get it.. head??) on all their friends and they may survive the invasion with most of their body parts intact.

2) The Poseable R/C Zombie

Fun for the entire family. What better way to play with your cats. I can see it now, wake the cats up from their blissful nap with a walking, groaning brain eater. It would entertain me them for hours.

3) For you literary types (Brian J.), Pride & Prejudice and Zombies

I personally have not perused this literary classic, but I have now added it to my reading list, if for nothing else than to expand my horizons, heighten my sense of elegance and maybe, just maybe, there will be hints on how to survive the upcoming zombie invasion.

4) And finally, I have saved the best for last - the Crawling Zombie Torso Gelatin Mold

How else do you expect your loved ones to harden themselves to the eventual zombie invasion? Life-like Jello molds always do the trick! Although the informative description on the website is quite entertaining, this is serious business people! Zombies are coming.. in fact I think some of them have arrived (think ex husbands and/or boyfriends). Be prepared, is what I like to say.

There you have it, my contribution to society for today. Now I'm off to make this place impeccably clean for when we are on lockdown to save ourselves from the zombie horde.

Thank you for your attention. This has been a public service announcement.

P.S.: For some reason Blogger is making my visual enhancements totally huge, but I can't be arsed to fix it right now, so oh well. ***UPDATE - FIXED, YAYYY****

Holy Crap

2009-09-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

Talk about causing childhood flashbacks. I think I still love this song.. even though I was only 8 or 9 when this came out.

I love my XM radio.. just an FYI.

My Desktop

2009-09-09T16:00:00.003-04:00

This is my computer desktop. I was looking at it, studying its symmetry and depth. In awe of its beauty, and mostly just reading the Calvin & Hobbs cartoons that I just installed as a desktop gadget. I just had to share the joy. (You are going to have to click on the pictures for the full color glory.)

View of my desktop:

A clear view of where exactly my Calvin Hobbs desktop gadget thingy resides:

Annnnd.. it flies out and I get a C & H cartoon. Its like magic!

This could keep me entertained for hours.

Yankee Goat

2009-09-04T13:12:00.001-04:00

So, I spent the better part of an hour on the telephone with a girl with a fake American accent in the Philippines, attempting to get my brand spanking new, shiny radio up and going. (Remember the days when all ya had to do was turn it on and go?)

The conversation was amusing on several levels. One, when I gave them my radio number, it had the letters YG in the string. When she repeated the numbers back to me, she said, "Y as in Yankee, G as in Goat." I think I was insulted, but I can't be sure. I had to suppress the giggles at that point. She then went on to ask for our mailing address, which I gave to her... she confirmed that was correct, it is, indeed, my address. (Tears were starting to flow over that one.)

At the end of the conversation after everything was said and done, she tried to sell me an XM Satellite radio. But.... but.... I have one. The fact that I was attempting to have it activated, and had a radio number (Yankee Goat) to give her, that might have been a small, tiniest bit of a clue that I actually had a radio already.

It would have been almost worth it to buy another radio to see what sort of insult she could have squeezed out of the new radio numbers. hehe

No Commercials?

2009-09-04T04:59:00.000-04:00

JC has given me an XM Satellite Radio for my birthday. My birthday is two months away, but he already ordered it and the subscription started, so he gave it to me early. I don't know much about satellite radio besides what I've seen when we ride in his car, but I love the comedy channels. Blasting classical music is going to take on a whole new meaning now (although he has informed me that he would appreciate it if I turn it off when he gets home, the putz).

The radio has a hookup for my car and a docking station for the house, so I am set wherever I happen to be.

Are there commercials on satellite radio or is the no commercial thing just a myth?

Oh.. by the way....

2009-09-01T12:14:00.003-04:00

There was one very good result of my stint at Target - I was constantly on the run, barely time for lunches - and I have now amazed JC with my level of physical flexibility. BWAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

The 80s

2009-09-01T09:09:00.003-04:00

I have always had a fondness for old 80s music.. does that make me a freak? (Shaddup Jess). Since I now have a semblance of free time on my hands I was surfing You Tube for old 80s songs and enjoying myself in a major way. I know you are dying for me to share, so here we go.. some of my favorite 80s songs, for your listening pleasure (in no particular order of favoritism).

(This was before the days of George Michael's "potty breaks.")

It was a toss up between this song and Little Red Corvette, but the Prince picture on this one was cooler than the one for Little Red Corvette, so it won the toss.

Rick Springfield.. ahhh the fantasies. hehe

And, of course, we cannot have a favorite 80s list without AC/DC.

That's it for now. I am having fun listening to this old music though, so there will likely be more in the near future. :)