Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Have Ya Ever.....

Had a friend that you knew was doing something that was so excruciatingly difficult for them to do, that you weren't sure they would go through with it?  Something that you personally didn't think should be that hard to do, but you never had to do it, so you just don't know. 

A very close friend of mine felt the need to do something that should have been done ages ago.  She was brave, she was honest, she did what had to be done and her family still loves her.  (Told ya.)

Well done Jess.  You make me proud. 

We will all dance at your wedding.  :-)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Case of (da da daaaaa) The Missing Peanut Butter Fudge

I must brag on myself a little here. I make the best peanut butter fudge on the face of the planet (as well as mashed potatoes but that is a different story). Anyway, I made some peanut butter fudge for J's son to take to his wife's family's house for the holiday. There was a lot left so I put it in a green (yes green) container. That container has gone missing.

The last time I saw the container or the fudge was Thursday night, we were both propped up in our bed watching television and snarfing fudge. It has since disappeared.

J ain't talking.

I have ways to make him talk.

When asked where it was, he stared at me then said (in a tone.. he used a tone)- but he said, "its downstairs."

I'm downstairs now and I see no green container of peanut butter fudge anywhere.

Something sinister is afoot. I am on the case.

Update: The missing fudge has been located. No questions please. *hands over the camera*

Move along. Nothing further to see here.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am not a poet, but in honor of Thanksgiving Day I have been inspired to new heights of poetic inspiration.  Enjoy.

The Lament of the Unwashed Dishes
a poem, by Deb

Thanksgiving Day, a day of thanks and gratitude,
of turkey dinners and pumpkin pie,
of unbuttoned pants and family angst;

A day of love and honor and working together,
to enjoy a family meal.

As I walked into the kitchen my heart swelled 
with affection and gratitude that you had done the dishes the day before.
No dirty dishes in the sink to hinder my creativity.

But alas - 

Upon opening the dishwasher to remove a spoon it was discovered,
the horror.

You had not washed the dishes, you had piled them in the dishwasher.
You had not placed dishwasher soap in the soap bin.
You had not started the dishwasher.

The dishes.  They were dirty with last night's spaghetti.
They were coated with your extra helping of Chef Boyardee Ravioli.
The truth.  It was ugly.

Another Thanksgiving Day. 

The End.

I hope this poem inspires you to help with the dishes. :-)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Totally Did That!

I was skimming over old blog posts.   Believe it or not this blog has been around for 5 1/2 years, with my first post being on March 25, 2005.  Anyway.. I found a post that had the following paragraph in it, from September of 2005:

That almost makes me wish I had a life so I could have fun with it. I think I'll plan a solo vacation, to Scotland. I'll stay in a tiny bed & breakfast in a tiny town, and walk the back roads and explore the nooks and crannies, and have people laugh at my accent (or lack of one actually), find a nice, devastatingly handsome scot to have a holiday affair with, and then go quietly on my way, leaving him behind to pine for me.

Sounds like a plan. hehe

I realized that the bed & breakfast was a Holiday Inn in Glasgow, but I so totally did the above, and it was GREAT. I love it when my ridiculous fantasies come true. I wonder if he still pines for me. ;-)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Airport Xrays

I was wondering, with my knee in the sorry shape it is in, can I just book a cheap flight and go through the x-ray machine at the airport?  That would probably cost less than a doctor visit.

Maybe not.

I'm not sure how many people outside the U.S. is hearing about the furor over here with being x-rayed before a flight.  We can "opt out," but if we do we get the sexual assault treatment, which includes getting your man bits or lady bits felt up.  I dunno about you guys, but if us ladies were all that interested in smuggling something illegal through the security lines, we have a built in hiding place... pretty soon they will have their screeners checking that out as well.  Anyway, that is beside the point...

I've done a bit of research (about 2 minutes worth), and I came up with a couple of images for you to peruse.

I'm not sure about you, but this one above seems pretty damn explicit to me.  What the point of this is I have yet to ascertain.  And why is this image being released?  TSA claims the images aren't saved... if they aren't saved then I shouldn't have been able to find these images, should I?  I love how our government treats us like a bunch of wayward kindergarteners.  Tell us what they think we want to hear, true or not.. and hopefully we'll shut up and take our naps and leave them alone to further advance their agendas (do I sound like a conspiracy theorist?  I hope so, I always wanted to be one of those weirdos). 

This is an x-ray I found of shoe bombs.  I couldn't be bothered to read the entire article, but it is here on the TSA website, if you are interested.  Now this is technology I can understand.  Hollowed out shoes.  It has been proven and reported that there are idiots out there in the world that are trying to hurt us infidels.  By blowing off their feet on a crowded airplane.  I understand the x-raying of shoes and fully support it.  I take my shoes off without complaint when I go to fly somewhere.  In some weird way it makes me feel a little bit safer... but ...  x-rays of all my lady bits does not.  It makes me feel violated.

Baby Brother O'Mine works for one of the major airline carriers as a pilot.  I asked him what the policy on the x-rays and pat downs for the air crew is.  He says they were told by their union not to comply.    I just wish us regular folks had that choice.  As it is the only choice we have is to comply or don't fly.

I did find a link on the TSA website to another article that claims that 4 out of 5 Americans support the policies.  I call bullshit on that one.  Read for yourself.  Bullshit.


Friday, November 19, 2010

Another One.....

I guess you guys are getting tired of the complaining about my life posts, but some things are just too weird not to post so shut up, suck it up, and read this shit...

Bacon. It is not designed to be eaten raw. It is by nature a delicious treat, when cooked and all the nasties are removed from it, but unless you have something like this:

....  then eating raw bacon is a bad idea.  It can make you deathly ill, give you parasites and weird ass diseases, and according to an episode of House can give you tapeworm of the brain. 

Unfortunately for J's son, he never saw that episode.

Last night I went into the kitchen to cook dinner (nothing fancy, pancakes & bacon).  However, upon opening the refrigerator door and removing the package of bacon, it was discovered that the bacon was mostly gone.  The package was nearly empty.  I was taken aback...when did I cook that?  Did I sleep cook?  I don't remember smelling bacon cooking..  OMG I'm losing time I must have multiple personalities.  When did my other personality cook that bacon??

No.  Nothing so interesting.  J's son ate it. 


As in uncooked.  He said he didn't know it had to be cooked.  He's 21 years old!  Hasn't his mother ever told him don't eat raw pork or chicken?  What the hell???

I was quite upset, not least because bacon is a helluva expensive item to buy these days, but because now I've got a 21 year old, 6'0" dude living under my roof that is going to get tapeworm of the brain, and I just know I'm going to be asked to change his diapers.

Things are definitely not going as planned.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Great Googly Moogly!!!

So I may (or may not) have told you about J's son now living with us. He's married, but nobody will take in him and his wife - I am pretty sure that the reasons being just their pure power to annoy the living shit out of everyone around them. Anyway, he is now staying with us. Our grocery bill has now tripled.

Example - last night we ordered one of those HUGE Pizza Hut Big Italy pizzas... along with 2 orders of bread sticks (when J asked my why I got two orders, I just said I would like to get one). So the pizza arrives, J gets a few slices, I get a few slices and I grab a package of the bread sticks, and he and I head down to the family room. Fast forward 30 minutes later with J's son hollering down could he have the other package of bread sticks. Since J and I had already split the other package, J told him yes, he could have them. We then went to go outdoors for a cigarette and passed by the EMPTY pizza box EMPTY!! This was a Big Italy, which, according to Wikipedia, is nearly 2 feet long! He ate the whole thing and then came back for the bread sticks!

Oh.MY. GAWD.. I can't even type that right I'm so amazed.

Then.. THEN... I get up this morning and wander through the kitchen thinking I might like a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal (I love that stuff). Actually it is the Malt-O-Meal brand but it tastes just as good. Anyway, last week we had bought the big gigantic bag of cereal (because we knew). That bag of cereal was approximately the size of a 20 pound bag of potatoes, it was a LARGE LARGE bag. I filled a cereal container with it and put it on the counter. Within 2 days it was half gone. So I refilled the container with what was left in the bag. I have had two (count em 2) bowls of my beloved Captain Crunch. But when I went in to fetch a bowl today was I able to get any? No. All that is left in the container is Captain Crunch dust. Taunting me.

He also ate my chicken that I had left over from our pub dinner the other night. Gone. Just gone.


Oh.. maybe I should put J's multiple containers of grits on the cabinet in the hopes that his son will snarf it up. I hate that crap.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Final Countdown

Before you read this post you are required to click the play to the above video. It sets the tone.

Got it? Good.

Okay, we are on the final countdown of house moving. Almost everything is moved over, but now we have to go over and clean the place up. The bad part is that my knee is the approximate size and shape of a smallish basketball. It hurts... but I am trudging through, knowing that it has to be done. Also unfortunately, we are reaping the benefits of having two long haired dogs and a long haired cat. Piles of hair underneath every spot that there was unmovable furniture. Its icky.

On a side note, I'm listening to the above music while I type this, it is trying to inspire me to be overly dramatic about everything.

So, let me ask you guys' opinion. J has been busy moving his stuff over.. things he had packed in boxes, etc., that I have never laid eyes on. I was perusing the goods this morning and discovered three (count em' 3) pairs of girl shoes. Obviously they do not belong to him because his feet are bigger than that**. Anyway - I like em, they fit me, but I do believe they belonged to an old girlfriend of his. Would it be kosher of me to steal them? I have no qualms whatsoever of wearing old girlfriend hand-me-downs, but what if we run into her at the mall and she sees me wearing her shoes?? I've lived with him in heathen sin for 2 years now, I'm assuming she has no plans to come back for them, but still...... what do you think? (Hey, Brian J., if you are reading this, what would Dr. Creepy do??)

And another question!  Now that I'm in overly dramatic mode...   Why, oh WHY, can't my phone (Samsung HTC Epic) send pictures I have taken to my email.  I can take the pictures, it says they are emailed, but the emails never arrive THEY NEVER ARRIVENevermind..  it just arrived.

Dramatic Tree

This was taken in the front yard of our brand spanking new house.  Yes I know, I should be taking house pictures, but there are boxes everywhere and our pool is covered with some weird and unattractive barrier so that I can't access it.  I'm told its a pool cover, but it seems to have just been put into place to thwart me.  So you get trees.

I'm out.  Love ya mean it!!!

P.S.:  I had finished this post and was goofing off on the computer and decided to have a look at my sitemeter.  Someone was referred to this blog from doing a search for.......   wait for it.........  "peeing grannies."  That is just so wrong on so many levels.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

**What is it with me and cross dressing lately??

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Have You Ever...

Just looked at someone and known that they needed immediate help?  J's daughter was over last night - the poor girl looks about as beat down as one person can get.  I told J its time to invite her to stay and he has agreed, so it looks like we will now have two (2) grown adult kids living with us. 

I am suddenly very tired.

Although to be fair, that could be because I thought I was waking up at a normal person time, and got up to find out that the clock next to my bed is extreme in its wrongness and it was only 4:30.  But... on the bright side...  the alarm will be coming on in about 15 minutes and J will be quite pissed.  I will just laugh my evil laugh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA because I asked him last night to set the clock to the correct time. 

In other man news - I got a text message from my daughter on Saturday night, telling me that she heard something crazy about her dad and that I was supposed to call her ASAP.  Well, I didn't.  I texted her back and said if she is talking about his cross dressing habits then I already knew about that. 

Some people have no sense of humor.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd She's Back (Yet Again)

There is something sublime about being able to sit at my desk in the middle of the night & chain smoke and drink energy drinks and play on the internet.  Except now:


We don't smoke in the house anymore. I have to go outdoors, in frigid Maryland weather, if I want a cigarette. Its getting to the point that it is too cold to bother with. Thank God I have my e-cigs.. but... unfortunately... for me... cuz I'm a stoopidhead... I lost the charger in the move. Well, its not lost, its packed and I have been unable to locate it, so no e-cigs for now. Those things are great though, they create water vapor instead of smoke, so you can use them anywhere (they say), no secondhand smoke, and they plug right into your USB port to recharge (if you don't lose your charger in oh.. say.. a house move).

In further news, J's son is now living with us. A 21 year old married man, but nobody will allow the two of them to live together in matrimonial bliss, so she lives with her parents still and he has just moved in with us. (Its a long long story.) Anyway, chores and him are unfamiliar friends and it seems to be up to me to make sure he pitches in and does some stuff around here. Last night after dinner I had cleaned the kitchen and about an hour later he comes down with dishes from his bedroom, which he piled in the sink and left for me to clean. Considerate, eh? I marched to the stairs and politely screamed JOSEPH!! GET DOWN HERE AND WASH THESE DISHES! He came down, rinsed them and went back up the stairs, leaving the rinsed dishes in the sink. I again politely went to the stairs JOSEPH!!! Him: Whut? Me: When I say wash the dishes, I mean turn on the freaking hot water, soap up the sponge, WASH THEM, dry them, andthenputthemwheretheybelongbecauseifyoukeepdishesinyourroompastthetimeofmeloadingthedishwasheritisuptoyoutowashwhatyouhavetherebecauseIamnotafreakingservanttowashyourdishesatyoureverywhim. Ya got it??? Him: Yes. I expected his dad to be a lil mad at me, but he just looked at me and smirked. I do love him lots. hehe

Another issue I am having is with my left knee. It hurts. A lot. I'm not sure what I did to it, twisted the hell out of it somehow, but walking the stairs in this place is sometimes quite painful, and unpacking is being done very slowly. I have no kneecap really, where it should be is approximately the size and shape of a basketball. Ace Bandages rule.  (I started to add something here about my ability to be on my knees and how lucky J is that it hasn't affected that, but I thought that would be uncouth and I'm all about couthiness on this blog.)

So there ya have it, a complaint post. Feel free to poke as much fun of me as you like.. I welcome your sarcasm and ridicule. Anything to take my mind off the 21 year old married man that is living in what should be J and my sex shack but has turned into a familial compound. (There's another post, his daughter informed us she was bringing her two cats for us to babysit.. for two months.  Ya think I went apeshit over the dishes?  That was nothing.)