Thursday, October 28, 2010

In Honor of Halloween (and because I'll be offline for a few days)

I thought I'd put together a list of the all time top 5 horror movie titles with the cheesiest descriptions (in my inflated opinion, that is). Without further ado:

#5 Buttcrack

The gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' Preacher Man Bob must right the universal karma accidently set wrong when Brian inadvertantlty kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.  (I have actually seen this one and laughed my ass off BWAHAHAHAHAHAA...  was a Christmas gift from the former boss dude.)


#4 Rabid Grannies

When given a demonic present by their black sheep nephew two kindly old grannies are transformed into demons who proceed to gorily knock-off their greedy relatives.


#3 Killer Condom

A professor blackmails a student of his into having sex with him. But when the professor puts on a condom, the carnivorous condom bites off his penis and disappears.


#2 Pot Zombies 

Radioactive weed turns people into zombies with the munchies for human flesh!


#1 Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren't the only ones crying fowl!


Personally I can't wait to watch the Poutrygeist movie  (I bet I never look at KFC the same again.).  I totally plan to watch all the rest for Halloween.  :-)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This Song Is Stuck In My Head

Just FYI - my methods are totally scrutable.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Halloween's a Comin'

I am attempting to get the house packed, but am getting very little cooperation. I was going to write a haunted post, but thought I'd do this instead. :-)

(p.s. Jess: I had a WEIRD ASS dream about having an affair with DRS last night. OMG it reminded me of you and some of our conversations in the office, LOL)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Anyone Seen My Head?

It was totally bit off this morning.  I've been unable to locate it ever since....

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Love It

This song brings back so many memories from when I was a kid.... and some from adult years.

I think I'll make this my theme song.*

*subject to frequent changes of mind

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Moving Moving Moving

I may have mentioned (once or twice) that I hate moving.  I prefer to be lazy and just let it all find its way to the new house somehow.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening, so up off my arse it is.  I've just discovered that J hasn't made the cable guy appointment yet either, so we are likely to be without internet for a bit.  (OHMYGAWDWTF HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE??)   Luckily my fancy new phone (HTC Epic) is a mobile hotspot.  I rather doubt the connection will be worth much, but I'll let ya know how it works. 

Topic change:   Last night I had a 15 minute conversation with God.  (Yes, I do believe I was dreaming.)  I remember asking questions, I remember the questions being clearly answered.  I do not remember the questions or the answers.  It sucks...  a God conversation and I remember none of it.  The story of my life. 

If you could have a 15 minute conversation with God and knew he would answer anything you asked, what would you ask?

Why haven't I won the lottery?    -  Because you don't play.
Why aren't I thin and beautiful?  -  Because you are a lazy arse who likes chocolate too much.

Things like that?


Thursday, October 14, 2010

I Stole This From A Friend's Facebook

This makes perfect sense to me.  Obviously dogs have less sense of humor than birds.  Either that or birds are too easily influenced and dogs have an inner maternal streak.  Either way, if my dogs start trying to dictate when I consume any alcoholic recreational beverages they are going to be locked in the bathroom for the duration.

Just sayin.

I'd have loved to have heard the police officer's conversation as they drove away from that one.   hehe

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

T Minus 18 Days (plus a bit of randomness)

We will be moving into the new place in 18 days.  I hate moving.  We've barely started packing and its crazy insane how much two people can accumulate.  I hate moving.  Our basement is packed wall to wall with mostly my crap from my Savannah days (which I never unpacked in anticipation for moving).  I hate moving.  Fortunately, when we get moved into the new house, I will finally finally FINALLY get to unpack my crap.. it will feel like Christmas morning since I haven't laid eyes on that stuff in ages.  I hate moving.  Unfortunately (and as I have lamented in earlier posts), our pool will be closed down and unusable until next summer.  I hate moving.  I also need to make an appointment to get the extremely furry dogs shaved so we don't have dog hairballs from one end of our brand new house to the other. I hate moving.

Random aside moment:  I just saw a commercial for Burn Notice.  I like the show and watch it rather often, but one thing bugs the shit out of me.  Have any of you noticed that in the first season Fiona had an Irish accent (albeit a really horrible one), but she was supposedly a member of the IRA, etc.. but second season she totally lost the accent.  Do you Irish folks lose your accents that easily?  (/end random aside)

Oh wait.. another random aside:  Anything @twitter makes me cringe.  I hate it.  (/end second random aside)

So anyway..  I think I may have mentioned that I hate moving.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dear Dawn Wells:

I did a blog post a while back, back in your party days.. back when you, like the majority of Americans, dabbled with the apocynum cannabinu, piddled with the pretendica, fondled the flowers (sorry, I love Urban Dictionary) - smoked the ganja - okay okay I'll stop - you got busted with the weed.  I did this post from the perspective of your arresting officer and, personally, I thought it quite clever.   However, looking back I can spot one mistake that I made in that post.  I posted a picture of you from Gilligan's Island days.  You were smokin' hot in that pic and apparently lots and LOTS of people thought so as well since I get the majority of my blog hits from people Googling that picture.

I love ya Dawn, I really do, but this development has started to bug me.  I have done so many other posts that were cleverer, yet they don't receive any of the attention that you in your itty bitty shorts do.

But I'm not bitter.

Most people would be thinking about now that any attention to my blog is better than none (and to be fair, if not for your hotness, this blog would be receiving none).

Wait.. wait.. okay. I'll take it.  I concede that most people would be right.  Keep it coming people - Dawn Wells rocks the farm!

My apologies for the complaints Dawn. I take it all back. In fact I will post another picture of your current hotness (damn woman look your age for gawd's sake). It isn't fair that you are still this gorgeous at your age.

Ginger who?

(Sorry, I had to.)

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Guess What I Get To Do Today??

I get to go learn how to close a swimming pool for the season in our brand new house with our brand new pool.

Fuck My Life.


Friday, October 08, 2010

I Need A New Title

"Inspirational Moments from the Duly Busted" had its moment but that moment has passed.  I chose that name back in the day when I lived in Savannah and somehow my employers found out about this blog and pointed out that they didn't find some of my posts humorous.  Well... to be fair.. most of the ones they were protesting was about a stupid jerk of a bitch who worked in the office with us and not about the office itself, which is probably the only reason they didn't fire me.  They knew she was a stupid jerk but they had to at least pretend to be concerned.  So I added that title and all was well, but it is no longer relevant and I need a new one.   I'm thinking of using Jess' description of me - slutmonkey cootercanoeing hobag - which I find quite amusing.

In further news - it has come to my attention that this blog currently comes up as #1 starred Google search for "Controversial Toys."  I did one (1) blog post on that topic and suddenly I'm the #1 Google expert on it?  I'm not even mentioning the part where I'm linked in an Iowa Newspaper for the same thing.  I'M FAMOUS!    hehe

Okay, so since I'm already famous for that, I might as well add a few more, eh?

What kid doesn't want bloody cat guts for their birthday?   Actually, this is from a crafting site.  I really really like the tiger holding the bloody human arm in his mouth.  Can one of you creative people make that for me, please?

Next up is Lego Terrorists (not made by Lego).  These are custom designed by a company called Brickarms and, of course, some of the militant Muslim faith take offense at these.  Dunno why. Oh.. and that company also sells Nazi soldiers for your Lego set.  It would be a deprived child that doesn't have a toy Nazi.

This adorable little puppy is Squirt, the Humping Bulldog.  Oddly enough I just thought of the Georgia Bulldogs when I saw this - but that is beside the point.  Strap him on and watch him go (oh the inappropriate visuals that accompanied my typing that line).  He can be found here,

And last, but definitely not least:

The Jesus Saves bank.  Not exactly a toy, but just as entertaining as one.  I believe (bwahahaha) that if you take the money from one beer a week and deposit into your Jesus Saves bank, at the end of 3 months your Jesus will have saved you up enough for one 12 pack of beer.  A miracle!

Okay, that is all for now.  Seeing as how I seem to be the (self-proclaimed) expert on controversial toys, this post should only add to the legend that is me.

Love ya mean it!

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Where's Deb??

I was in the process of removing all my posts and I was just going to leave one that said "Goodbye," but I have found myself noticing the absurdities of life again lately and need an outlet to post them.  Facebook doesn't do it for me because my parents (and all my Canada-ian relatives) are listed as friends there, and any fucking bad language would cause my parents to disown me and remove me from their will.   Soooo..  here I am, back again.

I've been gone so long that I don't know what all the Blogspot does these days, so I will have to spend some time exploring all the various bells & whistles (and do lots of button pushing) to see what is what.  Hopefully I won't screw my blog up because 1) I no longer have a backup of it since I reformatted my computer; and 2) there is no 2 really, I just thought numbering my sorry excuses made them look more plausible.  Hopefully there will be a few of you who remember me.  If not, maybe a few more friends will wander this way.  

Okay so let's start with current news.  We (as in J and myself) have bought a house that we will be moving into at the end of the month.  It has a pool.  The rest of the house is irrelevant.  Unfortunately, moving into a house with a pool in Maryland means that the pool will be unused until next spring, and that fucking pool will be mocking me all winter long.  Stupid pool.

Also, I have discovered that "Do you have a blog?" is now an accepted job interview question.  How am I supposed to answer that??  Do I confess to having a blog and have them find out that I'm an irreverent cow, or do I lie?  Its a conundrum.  ADVISE ME PLEASE!

In further news, our dog Maybe has gone senile.  She is 16 years old and for the most part acts like a puppy (when she's not asleep), but she has also forgotten that she is housetrained and that peeing on the carpet is a definite no-no.  How do you discipline a 16 year old senile dog?  I can't smack her on the nose with a newspaper cuz it might make her pee again.. plus that would feel like I'm trying to discipline someone's grandmother.. it would be disrespectful.   Another conundrum.

So there ya go.  Posting my mundane daily issues make them seem more interesting really.