Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Goodbye Savannah

I have officially left my job, which was much more difficult to do than I thought it would be. Acid Brother (some of you know why I call him this...but I guess most of you don't), a/k/a The Boss Dude, was the best boss EVER and I do not expect to find such a great boss again. I bawled like a fucking 2 year old when I went in to say goodbye. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a flake. Well okay, I'm pretty sure he was convinced I was a flake long ago, but that is beside the point. I will miss him something awful and will have to keep up our morning bullshit sessions on the phone for a while until I adjust to the change, I suppose.

On Friday I will be on to new things and a new chapter with the love of my life.

Oh. My. Gawd. I am so freaking terrified.


Next week when I get settled in at the new abode in the new state and start suffering from culture shock, I will try to resume regularly scheduled posting.

Oh... today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Oh The Humiliation

As some of you know, I am on Facebook. Mostly it is because my canuck family hang out there, but I have gotten accustomed to the convenience of sending one line messages to cousins and other relatives that I haven't laid eyes on in 20 years, as well as trashy bumper stickers to the strumpets that I work with.

Now, however, I have experienced a level of humiliation heretofore unknown to me and my family. I believe the rest of my family are still unaware of what is in store for them. I will not be able to cushion the blow, all I can do is duck and cover and wait for the fallout.

My family has never before known such trauma. This is what I discovered on Facebook.

Tanya is so excited to be going to see Celine Dion tonight!!!

My world will never be the same. I have a family member who..... no........ I can't even say it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The New Normal

I used to be very interested in the art of politics. Until one day I woke up and realized it was more accurately an art of deception. Call it an epiphany if you like, but since that day I have paid as little attention to it as possible, to save wear and tear on my favorite ulcer.

But occasionally I will run across an article that sums up the way I feel about politics in a very articulate way. This is one of those articles.
Once upon a time, Americans were fond of looking upon backward nations, upon places where law was whatever the king said it was, and noting with pride that we do things differently in our country. But that was a day long ago and a country long gone.

I am impressed with the writing, but sad at the truths it contains.

This will be the only thing I have to say about current politics. Apologies for the lack of humor.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Down To The Wire

This is it. In one week I will be moving from the southern coast of Georgia (redneck country) to the scary hills of suburban Maryland (political pissant country). I am nervous about the big change, but happy to be moving in with the Handsome JC to live in utter sin (because I’m a whore - or something like that). I have only packed half of my apartment.. but just enough to do some damage. I was walking through yesterday and tripped on a box. Yes. Fell. On the floor. I lay there for a minute trying to assess the damage, when Jake, my trusty guard dog, came running up to check for injuries. He immediately stuck his nose in my ear and snuffed. I had no choice at that point. I started giggling.

Today I have a sore left knee, and twisted right ankle, and I have no idea which side to hobble on, but I think I will survive the ordeal. The receptionist and my boss, Acid Brother, both laughed at my misfortune and then both had the nerve to deny it.

Anyway, since I am unsure how much posting I will be able to do in the next week, I will post some Halloween hilarity.

First is Zombie Home, a website for Zombie Rights. Some of the comments really struck me:

"I just want people to know that there are plently of celebrities who are with us in this zombie cause. Here are some names: 1. Rob Zombie 2. Ozzy Osbourne 3. Marilyn Manson 4. The Undertaker 5. Tim Burton 6. Johnny Depp 7. Cher"

"I'm not even a zombie, I'm just really into Zombie sex... and I get discriminated against too!"

"I was walking down the street, having been a zombie for five years, and an old lady spat at me! So injust..."

Come on people! How can we just sit and pretend this travesty isn’t happening right under our noses?? Stand up and count yourself amongst the believers in Zombie Rights! Be strong! (And be able to run fast!)

And now...........

Turn up the sound for the REALLY REALLY scary part. I was horrified at what I heard!

(But the snails are kind of cute.)

That is all for now. I shall return soon.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A New Dating Site To Try Out

I found a date through zombie harmony - one of the best free dating sites for zombies
Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

If ever JC and I ever call it a day I am SO going there.


The first testimonial, given via MSN Messenger:

Zombie Kat says: Hey I just met a Zombie

Deb says: YAYYYY.. on that dating site? lol

Zombie Kat says: uh huh

Zombie Kat says: thanks!

Deb says: I'm so happy for you. does he like the same things you do? brains, livers... ripping people's arms off and beating them with them?

Zombie Kat says: and a lot more to boot!

Deb says: when are you going to meet up?

Zombie Kat says: Oct. 31st

Zombie Kat says: at midnite

Deb says: good night for it

Zombie Kat says: i thought so

Deb says: although you can go out earlier and everyone would just think it is clever costuming

Deb says: you could probably grab some unsuspecting drunk in an alley for dinner

Zombie Kat says: wow...that's a great idea

Zombie Kat says: i knew i liked you!

Deb says: not enough to eat my brains tho.. right?

Deb says: you are taking too long to answer

Zombie Kat says: only if i really couldn't control the urge

Zombie Kat says: and as long as i'm taking my meds

Deb says: god we're weird

If anyone else meets their zombie soulmate through that site, I will be happy to post your testimonial as well. I only want my friends to be happy.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

For All My UK Pals

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you in advance for your expected co-operation.

(Yes I know, I stole this from an email that is going around everywhere, but I'm a busy girl dammit! I swear original posting will resume shortly. Maybe.)

Saturday, October 04, 2008

A Major Award

This past Thursday I came home from work and had a voice mail from my apartment manager. I had won a major award. Well okay.. THEY called it the door prize, but I like to think of it as my major award.

Anyway, I went on Friday morning and picked it up, and it was a gift certificate to a restaurant I had never heard of called Beef O'Brady. (The receptionist at work said that sounded like the name of an Irish porn star.) Anyway, I picked it up and took it in to work and pulled it out of the envelope, and immediately noticed something odd about it.

Have a look. Its the story of my life.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Poker (a/k/a Get Shitfaced) Night

At our office we have been discussing having a girl's poker night at my place for the last year. It never came about until yesterday, when one of the gang said WHEN ARE WE DOING IT??? I said I have no furniture. Everyone else said who cares we're there to get play poker (get drunk), not admire your furniture... so it was settled. Girls poker night at my house on October 17. The really entertaining thing about it though was the emails that went flying around about it:

First one, from Jess: In honor of finally (getting rid of) Debbie’s departure to lands far, far away we are having a girls poker night at her house on Friday, October 17th . There will probably more drinking and less poker playing, but we will have this shin dig under the guise of poker night for the sake of not calling it "a bunch of chicks getting drunk night". Hope everyone can make it!!!

From me: HEYYYYY... that wasn't nice. Look behind you, I'm crying now.

From Jess again: She wasn't. She was giving me the one fingered salute

From me again: That was the Hawaiian Peace Sign. Geesh.

From Larking, receptionist/my replacement: Note: Furniture not included.

From me (again): Yes yes.. I have no furniture to sit on, but I do have my dining table and chairs (still), a fold up chair and 2 loungers. And lots of boxes. Hopefully someone will take pity on my plight and bring along a beach chair or two for temporary usage. Also, does anyone actually own a deck of cards or are we all going to gather around the computer and play computer poker?

From Frances (another reprobate): I do but not sure about them - they offend the light hearted

From Chris (another secretary): I don't know how to play poker, except for the scratch off ticket one -- it tells you on the back which hand is better so you know if you have won or not.

From me: Cool! Bring lots of money.. we'll teach you how to play. mwahahahahahahaaaa

From Jess: Beverly has come up with the fantastic idea of perhaps throwing this par-tay at her house...she claims to have furniture.

From Chris: I have been there and she really does have furniture.

From me: You mean people do actually own that stuff? Weird.

And it goes on and on. I'm really going to miss this place.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Self Destruct

I am sure everyone knows someone like this:

My son in law, whom has admittedly had some issues in his growing up years, is a very self destructive person. We have tried to pull him into the family and let him know that he is loved, etc., but for some reason every single time things start to look up for him and my daughter, he goes on a self destructive rampage. He just got a good job with full benefits. My daughter was just offered a job as a endo/scrub tech at a hospital near her. You would think that life would be sunny and rosy for him, but no.... he can't handle it and goes on a pill taking, screaming, pushing, bawling like a baby rampage. My daughter has been struggling to make a life for herself and their new baby and has weathered many obstacles to finish her schooling just so they can be independent and a family. She completed her schooling through a pregnancy, being hit head on by a drunk driver with no insurance, a broken back, and being broke beyond all belief. I'm very proud of her actually, to see her make it through all of that. He, however, just doesn't seem to get it. When he is straight (forward) and sober, he's a great guy and dotes on my daughter and his baby, but when he gets overwhelmed by too many changes, even the good ones - watch out.

What is it with some people who just can't accept the good things that come their way? Why do some people feel compelled to sabotage their life? Is there anything that can be done for them or are they lost causes?

I just don't know.