Thursday, January 31, 2008

12 Signs of Substance Abuse

Someone in the office has posted the above magnets all over our office building. It is titled (since I cut it off in the scan), "Twelve Signs to Look for in a Person With Possible Substance Abuse Issues." What is really funny about it is that everytime someone in the office sees it, they come in and ask, "Is that directed at me??" I, personally, rarely even drink other than the occasional glass or two of wine, but still everything on that list applies to me.

I'm thinking someone at work is trying to send everyone a message.

In fact, former Boss #2 came into Jess and my office this morning, slapped that list down in front of us, and declared that he's staging an intervention.

What a funny guy because we knew he was joking.

The list goes as follows:

1. Inconsistent quality of work;
2. Reduced work pace;
3. Difficulty focusing on tasks;
4. Increasing mistakes or errors in judgment;
5. Sudden inability to fulfill complex assignments;
6. Coming to work inappropriatedly dressed or not well groomed;
7. Unhealthy appearance;
8. Extended weekends or excessive absenteeism;
9. Consistently arriving late or leaving early;
10. Overall reduction in productivity;
11. Increase in arguments with other employees;
12. Accident prone.

Now tell me that this doesn't apply to everyone on the face of the earth.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I just finished reading Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. I was raised and spent most of my adult life being a devout Christian (I got better), so I was expecting to be totally offended by this book. I expected it to be a book of making fun of the life of Jesus, etc. What I got was a hysterically funny look at Jesus' years 13-33, what he was doing during the years that aren't mentioned in the Bible. Of course it is entirely fictional, but it was done with such grace and humor it is not hard to imagine that is how it really happened. The book never deviates from the way the Bible teaches that Jesus was, it just adds aspects to the story that will make you laugh.

Jesus (who goes by the Hebrew version of the name, Joshua) can't have sex, so it one part of the book he is having his best friend Biff have sex so Biff can describe to Josh what it is like. Biff also has a lifelong crush on Mary, Josh's mother.

Josh and Biff became friends when they were very small, when Biff watched Josh's brother killing lizards and Josh bringing the lizards back from the dead, only to have his brothers kill them again.

It is all funny as hell. There are many things said in the book that I have found myself using in normal conversation. My ex-husband is besought with demons..... HEY LOOK! A seagull!

If you get the chance to read the book, do. You'll love it.

Blessed are the meek, for to them shall we say "attaboy."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

We Crack Me Up

Conversation with Jess, (who, by the way, has the most hysterical post for today), after walking into MY office and seeing that she had put a box of something in my chair...

Me: "WTF??" (only not said all the way - like this: dubya tee eff??)

Her: Explaining why the stuff was in my chair, then making fun of me for something completely unrelated and nonsensical.

Me: "STFU." (ess tee eff yew)

Her: "LOL." (el oh el)

*If you need a translation, let me know ASAP, ROFL.*

Seeing Red

Oh. My. Gawd.

I colored my hair red. I thought it was going to be a nice, subdued auburn, but no, it is RED. At work yesterday I had one person tell me, "Don't worry honey, it'll tone down after you wash it a few times." Anoter person said, "What color did you pick, FIRETRUCK??"

I had almost decided to re-do it to tone the color down a little, but my rebellious streak is surfacing. I think I'll keep this color.

My inner redhead is emerging.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Great Way to Start the Day

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows I have a weird love for Tshirt Hell. Yes I know its an illogical love and it will never lead me anywhere. Yes I know that it is a love that will only leave me hurt (or possibly beat up), but there it is. Besides, I haven't posted anything from there is so long that to the new folks who stumble across this blog, it will all look like a new and original post. Nifty eh? hehe


But they do punch when they are unpleasantly surprised. (snicker)

Reminds me of a very very politically incorrect joke. I will save that for another shocking day at another shocking time.

Oh. My. God. I laughed at this one. COMA SUTRA... HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

There. I said it.

My current motto.

We've all had these moments...

I think this one should belong to Jess

Nothing I say could possibly add to this.

Here endeth the newest installment of the delights of Tshirt Hell. I really gotta get me one of these.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Its in the early planning stages......... but........

We're going to Ireland! I can't wait. The problem is that I just don't know much about Ireland. Where is the best place for touristy types (such as us) to go to? Best places to stay, what to see, etc.

Those of you who have been there (or are from there), suggestions would be appreciated.

Maybe we should do the pub crawl. :-)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Movie Time!

I watched two (count em two) movies this past weekend. My professional critique on both of these movies are as follows:

1. Mad Money

I really had no intention of seeing this movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. It starts out with an upper middle class couple (Diane Keaton & Ted Dansen). He had lost his job and they found themselves deep enough in debt that they were going to lose their home. She decided she wasn't going to let that happen and went on a quest to find a job. The job she found was as a janitor at the bank that shreds old money (Federal Reserve Bank? I don't remember...) Anyway, after she is there for a while and the lure of all of that money starts getting to her, she hatches a plot to relieve them of just enough of that money that is destined for shreddom to get her and her husband out of debt. She convinces two other women who work there (Queen Latifah and I don't know who the other person was) to participate in the plot.

The movie was entertaining, not especially deep and meaningful. Diane Keaton is not especially convincing as a janitor. Queen Latifah is adoreable, I enjoy her in everything I've seen her in.

I won't give away the ending, but I will say that the movie is good for light entertainment.

Score: B+

2. Cloverfield

I had read reviews about this movie and had seen trailers for it which made me want to see it.

I was absolutely enthralled all the way through it. I was a little concerned (after Blair Witch) that the hand held movie camera angle of it would make me want to hurl, but I had no problem (thank god).

The movie starts out as a home movie of a guy who seemed to be absolutely in love with a girl. It then jumps to weeks later at this guy's going away party (he was moving to Japan for a job). The movie begins to get a little soap opera-ish, but then BOOM.. earthquake.. or something. Screams and panic ensue. The earthquake turns out to be a giant bug monster invading Manhatten. The home movie shots of the bug monster are mostly blurry and unclear (until the end), but the panic that the characters go through is very apparent.

Basically the entire movie was a home movie of a New York City monster invasion. It was GREAT. I was glued to the action the entire time.

Final Score: A

Go see this one.

Now..... back to the real world. Work calls.


Friday, January 18, 2008


When JC and I were visiting the fam over Christmas, we stayed in a Travelodge. Overpriced and shabby. Not unlike the last Travelodge I stayed at in Atlanta. Now THAT was an experience. The Travelodge in Atlanta was apparently in a bad enough area that they felt the need to put the rooms behind a security gate.

I had gone to Atlanta to see the WRS, who was visiting from one of those weird European countries. When we were checking into the hotel, the hotel manager was from India or Pakistan (I can never tell), and had a fairly thick accent, but I had no problem understanding him. The WRS, who has a fairly thick Scottish accent, was trying to talk to the guy, and they just could not understand each other. The manager would say something to the WRS, who would then look at me for translation. The WRS would answer, and the manager would look at me for translation. It was actually pretty comical.


After we got to our respective rooms (they had a door in between the two rooms), after we made it through the security gate and was confirmed "guests" by the very large, very mean looking security guard who stands at the gate, we got settled into our really horrible rooms. It was okay though because we really weren't there all that much. That night I was asleep in one room, he was watching TV in the other room (the adjoining door was open though). I was woken up by screeches right outside our rooms. I seriously thought someone was being murdered. I got up, wandered into the WRS's room, who had heard the screaming and yelling as well. We listened for a minute, trying to ascertain if we should hide under the beds or something, when the reason for the screaming became apparent. The resident prostitute, Celine, had apparently had a customer who refused to pay. She was not a happy hooker. After the WRS and I got over our fits of giggles, we continued to listen to them come to some sort of understanding. The laughing started again when we heard the guy tell her he will pay if she would do a particular act for him and his friend.

All went quiet after that.

Except for the continued laughing and the WRS occasionally saying CELIIIIIIIINE. That has become a longrunning joke since then.

Moral of the story: Travelodge Hotels suck donkey dicks.

The End.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008


As you may or may not have noticed, I have a new background set here. The picture was taken by the bestest friend, the World Reknowned Scientist (a/k/a WRS), on his recent trip to Australia. He sent me pictures, I loved them, and have emailed him to ask his permission to use the picture on my blog. (With full and/or anonymous credit, whichever is his preference.

I will take his silence as his implied consent until I hear otherwise.



He has given me his permission to use his photographs, but has specifically asked that I credit him as the Internationally Reknowned Scientist. I told him that would make him the IRS, which isn't very popular over here, so World Reknowned Scientist would be better. (snicker)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I Am Constantly Amazed

After the sudden passing of my very good friend Odat's husband, I have watched her site with amazement at the outpouring being offered to comfort her. I find myself on many occasions somewhat disillusioned by the way we as humans treat each other. Sometimes we go out of the way to frustrate others just for the sake of having something to do at the time. I will confess that I have taken my turn at being misanthropic as well. What really causes the hitch in my giddyup is when something such as this happens, and so many people from so many places, take a moment of their time to offer comfort to a person they only know from blogging.

I was reading through the comment section on her blog and happened across one that touched me in a big way. With my apologies to Odat for purloining her comment, and to the author of the comment, I only say that I had to, it was one of those beautiful things that made me stop and just listen to my own space for a few minutes.

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.
Sometimes Saintly Nick

Go outdoors and smile at a stranger today. Maybe tomorrow as well.

Friday, January 11, 2008

My Very Close Friend

She lost her husband last night. I wish I knew what to say to make it easier for her, but nothing I can say will take away the grief and loss. But I do I love this friend dearly.. and want her to know this.

Most of you know her too, but I will refrain from assigning a name for now. Her grief is too fresh. She is a strong lady though, and will make it through this, as she has so much in the past.

The thought that keeps running through my head is what would I do if it were JC. I can't bear the thought, much less the reality.

When you read this my friend, I love you and am here for you. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Midget Strippers

There is a strip club just across the border from Savannah. I have been told (by the famous Jess and one of her other partners in crime) that there will be midget strippers at that particular strip club. I told you in a previous post about my first ever trip to a strip club. I was traumatized. But midget strippers???

I am so THERE!

You know you guys are jealous.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Have You Ever..........

Woke up one day and realized that this is a turning point in your life, and whatever choice of direction you choose, you realize that it will be a completely different path than your life has been on so far?

Yeah. Me either.

Okay, that wasn't quite true... that seems to be where I am right now. I have a choice from three different directions, each take me to three very different places.

So which way am I going to go? Oh I dunno... forward maybe?

Friday, January 04, 2008

A Change of Plans

I know I know, I have been totally slacking in the blog department as of late. I still love you guys, I really do. I have had some issues to deal with and haven't been in much of a social mood to be honest.

There has been a change of plans, I am not going to move to Annapolis right now. There are some unresolved issues that have to taken care of first, so although the move is still on, it has been postponed until at least summer, possibly longer. You will know when I know.

Thank God Acid Brother was kind enough to allow me to keep my job. What a cool guy.

So for now, I am still a Savannah resident. I really am beginning to hate this place.