Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Missing Letter

I seem to have lost a letter in the last post, so I'm putting it in here.

K


That is all.

Monday, October 29, 2007

HEADLINE

Virgin co-pilot arrested before flight


I new virginity was a rare thing these days, but I didn't realize it was an arrestable offense or why it should make international news.

AH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA



Ok Ok, I'm sorry. Click Here.

Friday, October 26, 2007

And Time Stood Still (or something like that)

Intelligent conversation has prevailed in the workplace today. This morning's topic was: the earthquake the stopped the earth's rotation for 2 milliseconds.

Much speculation has gone into how we, as humans, KNOW that the earth stopped for those 2 milliseconds. Time actually stopped (apparently). Did we feel it? Were we in the midst of other intelligent conversations and our mind just went blank for that amount of time? Did gravity fail us and those of us with big ass syndrome suddenly felt thin? Did our breasts suddenly become perky again for those milliseconds? (This brings to mind another conversation I have had with the best friend, the WRS, about how breast implants should be filled with helium, but that will be covered on another day.)

How does a person gauge earth rotation stoppage? I didn't witness anyone falling off the planet anywhere, but then again maybe I was alone at the time. (Personally, I think that is the day that I had the epiphany about the ex-boyfriend. My IQ has risen by vast amounts since I shed myself of him. That had to be the result of something drastic.)

Anyone have any other ideas on this?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Received in an Email

This is supposedly a real letter sent to the company that makes Always feminine products for when the painters are in (and to the guys who prefer to think that this phenomenon is the thing of mythical legend - *wink wink nudge nudge*). I have to confess that I have seen the particular message of which she speaks, and I have to also confess that I have thought pretty much along the same lines, although not as articulately as this person. If the letter isn't real, it oughta be.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


**UPDATE**

I have found The Author of this gem. I have been reading her blog all morning and trying very hard not to get busted by the boss. She is a riot.. new blog linkage to follow.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Email Wars, v2

We've been at it again.

I had posted something similar to this once before, but it is so damn funny when it happens that I think it deserves another post.

Jess the famous office partner and I, were in our office, doing whatever it is that we do. I was on the phone, she was doing God know's what - I had no clue because I was facing the other way. While I was on the phone an email from her came through, which I opened up to read. I, of course, felt the need to respond, which touched off another one of our long email conversations. It went like this:

*Setting the scene - the runner and the receptionist both were out sick, so a fill in was needed to take all filings to the courthouse. Jess volunteered.*

Jess: Taking stuff for the Courthouse at 4:00. Have everything ready! Just letting everyone know that too! Thanks!

Me: conformist

Jess: re-tardist.

Me: say-dist

Jess: know-ist all-ist.

Me: pain-in-the-ass-ist

Jess: your momma-ist

Me: what-an-original-answer-ist

Jess: duh-ist

Me: lol-ist

Jess: blog this-ist

Me: I-just-might-ist

Jess: funny-ist (ever)

Me: no-pun-intended-ist?

At which point she turned around and said, "Of Course!" Hysterical laughter ensued. I swear that one of these days the attorneys are going to feel the need to separate the two of us. hehe

Thursday, October 18, 2007

An Office Tour

As you know, I share an office with this wild thang. We spend a large majority of the day being sarcastic and poking fun at the office chimps, and giggling like a couple of 12 year old girls.

I thought that in the spirit of full disclosure, I would give you a tour of our small space in the universe.


To start, this is the famous can of chicken soup which touched off such controversy. It is still here, I haven't had a chance to gum it yet.





This is my nifty new staple remover. The air around here is thick with envy.

And yes, the Hershey catalog is MINE, MINE I SAY - DON'T TOUCH IT DAMMIT!




This is Exhibit 1 of Jess's lack of organization. I constantly tell her that she must be more organized, she must conform. She tells me to fuck off. Not very professional really.







Exhibit 2 of the same thing. Fucking off now.









This is our Monet. It hangs above Jess's desk. We also have a Van Gogh above my desk. I decided to include this in the office tour to prove to everyone that we are fucking classy. (I am anyway, *snicker*)









This is my printer. Yes MINE. I graciously allow her and a couple of other people print their crap - I mean work - to MY printer. I do this because not only am I cultured and classy, I'm fucking generous as hell.












These are my souvenir shot glasses. One is from St. Augustine, Florida and one is from California. Yes, that is a duck in the one shot glass. Don't ask. Trust me, some things are better remaining a mystery.







My Halloween candy bucket. It is full of chocolate and Pop Rocks. It is how I bribe people to come visit me.


This is my desk calendar that the boss dude gave me. I seem to be perpetually stuck at August 7. That was a Tuesday, by the way.



My filing box. I know it looks completely out of control, but there is a method to this madness, I'm pretty sure.



This is Frank. He haunts us on a daily basis. The air conditioning vent is WAAAAAAAAY high in this building, so when Frank went to Jesus with his legs sticking out, we just left him there. I find his presence oddly comforting really - mostly because if they disappeared it would be truly disturbing.



This is Jess's calendar. It hangs on the wall above her desk. Note the elegant hanging implement she has used (a straightened paperclip). The message on the calendar should probably be our motto here, it seems to fit.



This is our magnet cabinet. It also holds some sort of file, but that isn't the important part, these magnets have been our entertainment on many a rainy day. We usually line them up to insult each other. Although Bob the Lobster looks benign, he really is evil. He was a present from Jess to me after her vacation to Boston. He will be going with me wherever I go because I love him so much.








Anyway, this is a small part of my - *I mean our* - office. I didn't show you my 75 cent Las Vegas winnings, or Walter, The Ugliest Plant In The Universe, or anything else that might make us look weird and/or quirky.

;-)

My Second Favorite Holiday




Halloween is coming up quickly. Go HERE to make a jack-o-lantern.

WOOOOOOOOOH
ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH
MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Its Only Tuesday



WASHINGTON, DC—After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Americans were disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.

"Tuesday?" San Diego resident Doris Wagner said. "How in the hell is it still Tuesday?"

Already the week is unbearable for these New Yorkers awaiting a subway train, and it's only fucking Tuesday.
Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarish slog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going to end, and others to ask what was taking Saturday so goddamn long.

"Ugh," said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it not even being Wednesday at the very least.

According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week may in fact last forever was further compounded by the thought of all the work left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if Americans make it that far, possibly even Friday, for Christ's sake.

Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were also expressed.

"Not only do Americans have most of Tuesday morning to contend with, but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night," National Labor Relations Board spokesman David Prynn said. "If our calculations are correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than the one coming up."

Added Prynn: "Fuck."

Believe it or not, it's not even goddamn lunchtime yet for these commuters in Southern California.
Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke could not be confirmed as of press time.

Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watches or clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while sitting in the waiting room, have also proven unsuccessful, sources report.

The National Institutes of Standards and Technology, which oversees the official time of the United States, is flatly denying that it has slowed or otherwise tampered with Tuesday's progression.

"The current Tuesday is keeping apace with past Tuesdays with no more than one ten-thousandth of a second's variation at the most," NIST spokeswoman Dr. Geraldine Schach said. "However, I sympathize with the common consensus that this week has already been a colossal pain in the neck."

Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing widespread speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares.

"We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left to organize," Chao's statement read in part. "Yet we urge Americans to show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it."

"Go about your lives as best you can," the statement continued. "Do not, we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it'll make the rest of the week that much harder to endure."

In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.

"The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take," said Dale Bouchard, a Chicago-based broker who has been waiting for today to be over since it first began earlier this morning. "Honestly, today could not have come at a worse time this week."

In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it is somehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Oy

Who knew there were so many choices (so little time). In the world of vibrators, I have come to realize there are more choices than one person can make.


First is the Blue Tooth vibrator. Apparently it can be operated via Blue Tooth from remote locations by a loving partner... but what happens if your partner has an ornery streak? Orgasm in that business meeting? While in line at the grocery store? Random orgasm while driving down the road? Anyway, here is the link.




How about this handy dandy vibrator for the person who wants to hide the fact that she (or he I guess) likes to have solo orgasms? Oh don't mind me, my cell phone is set on industrial strength vibrate. Hey Jess, does that sound familiar at all? (hehe)




Next we have the OhMyBod Ipod Vibrator. Plug this thang into your IPod and you get nifty vibrations to the beat of your music. (haha..she said beat)




For those of you have money to burn (or vibrate away), this 18k gold plated vibrator, retailing at $1,350. If you are interested, it can be ordered here.





The Hello Kitty vibrator. For those among us who rank high on the ickiness meter.




And finally, the best for last(or worst, whichever way you want to look at it). The pet vibrator. You know you love your dog. Unfortunately this has brought to my mind people who REALLY REALLY love their dog. I think I'll go bleach my eyeballs now.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Georgia Black Hole of Suckage

As anyone who has read this blog today know (or yesterday, or whenever you read it), my lovely Office Partner [hereinafter known as "That Thang"] has taken it upon herself to show her concern about the status of my bladder placement, and her fear that any bladder problems I may possibly experience might find its way to the vicinity of her noggin. (Okay, that line made me giggle.)

First, let me asssure all of you that my bladder is firmly where it has always been. I have noticed no signs of any displacement. Her melon is safe.

Now. I don't think I've told you about her move to Savannah from Macon. Apparnently she made the move on a whim, but it has actually worked out well for her. She gets to work with me, you see.

The problem is now everyone in Macon is finding themselves uncontrollably drawn to Savannah, which has forced me to come to the conclusion that Jess is the Black Hole of Suckage. Macon, Georgia will soon be a ghost town as everyone there is being sucked in by her gravitational pull.

I think I still have time to escape the affects of this suckage.

I Have Had War Declared Upon Me

I have spoken many times about my highly entertaining work atmosphere. My office partner usually (KEY WORD HERE) has me rolling in the aisles. Today, however, she has declared war upon my person. This comes after yesterday, when she announced that I have become old and menopausal, and the fact that I have a can of chicken noodle soup sitting on my desk further cements her prognosis, seeing as how it takes no teeth to chew chicken noodle soup.

I'm about to show her little skinny ass what menopausal and hormonal truly means.

(wadding up piles of paper balls)

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Kid's Books



I have a new (improved) grandchild on the way, so in honor of the currently peanut sized munchkin, I am going to start a book collection for his/her future reading pleasure. I thought I might start with this list of educational gems:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Monday, October 08, 2007

Hmmmm

I now have a Facebook profile. I had to create one after my parents, who shocked the hell out of me by having a profile, informed me that nearly all of my Canadian relatives have profiles and are networked so as to keep up with each other's news. It seemed like an okay idea so I jumped on the boat. I now have six (count em 6) friends. My son also has a profile, but when I sent him a friend request he conveniently missed it, so I keep sending the requests just to annoy him. (hehe)

Anyway, the point is if you have a Facebook profile and would like to be friends with me, send me a quick message and it shall be done. :-)

Saturday, October 06, 2007

I Think I'm Over The Worst

Okay I do know it is 5:30 a.m., but that is a good sign, really! I haven't been out of bed in 3 freaking days except to walk the dog. I am now voluntarily out of bed, sitting at my computer, and giggling at ventriloquist videos. Well.. to be completely accurate here, it wasn't my idea to get up. Jake woke me up doing the poopy dance. Anyone with a dog knows what I'm talking about - shuffling feet, heavy panting, whining - actually that sounds like a husband asking for sex, but you know what I mean.....

Bottom line is at the moment I feel almost normal. I hope it lasts. I am almost looking forward to going back to work.

OMG - I hope that is not a sign that I am going to die soon.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Yucko

I've been sick. Very very sick. *coff coff*

I have been coughing for about 3 weeks now, but the last few days I have gone from bad to worse, running a temp, the works. I have taken off from work and stayed in bed all day for the last 2 days, which makes me feel very guilty. I suspect I will be taking today off as well because I still feel like I've been dragged through something nasty, but who knows, it is still early. Maybe a miracle recovery by 8 a.m.?

I think I'll go back to bed now. *sniffle*