Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Email of the Day


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Silliness. (2, 4, 5 & 10 apply to me) ;-)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Politicians - An Apology

We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this blog. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive.

We are sorry if this impression has come across.

*Monty Python kicks ass! *

Monday, January 29, 2007

Monday Morning Blues

It's that time again, back to work after a weekend of carousing and partying (or staying up until nearly 1:00 a.m. watching Legends of the Fall). One or the other.

Anyway, here are some funnies to get you started.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Things I Remember

I was sitting here listening to The Eagles, and that song The Best of My Love came on. It has the line at the first, "Every night, I'm lying in bed, holding you close to my dreams." BUT.. when I was a kid there was an AM radio station that at that time played rock music, and I would occasionally turn out the lights in my bedroom and listen to the music in the dark. Someone had manipulated the song to sing, "Every night, I'm lying in bed, listening to KOMA." Now, because of that, everytime I hear that song, that line is what I expect to hear instead of the correct line. Is KOMA still alive?

I was a tomboy. Its true, I was. One of my favorite things in the world to do was to go the field at the end of our street and hunt for horny toads. I thought there was nothing better in the world than to spend the day playing with my captive pet. They are very gentle, almost to the point of being tame, and would just stoically endure all my affection. (I always let them go at the end of the day.)

Ice Cream Trucks. I don't remember them being a very regular visitor to our neighborhood, but when they did come look out... You would see every kid from one end of the block to the other running into the house to get 50 cents from their parents to buy an ice cream. I never see Ice Cream Trucks here.

The smell of Playdough and Crayola Crayons. They take me alllllll the way back to age 7 again.

June Bugs. I find it so funny to see a girl (or a guy, anyone) shriek when they see a June Bug. They were another one of those things I used to play with, the small ones were just cute, but the big ones.. they would tickle so much you couldn't keep them in your hand for long. Yes tickle. They have prickly legs and them crawling around on your hand would almost always cause a fit of the giggles.

Playing "Chicken" with my next door neighbor. We used to stand in the yard barefoot and throw knifes at each other's feet to see who would jump. Oddly enough, neither of us lost a toe.

Building stilts. The same next door neighbor that I played chicken with, she and I built a set of stilts. That kept us occupied for weeks I think. One or the other of us were constantly walking around on those things. "Its my turn!" "It is not!"

Paul Simon. Being at that same next door neighbor's house late at night one night, and a Paul Simon record playing. "Get out the back, Jack... Make a new plan, Stan..."

Airplanes. Our house was right in line of the Will Rogers World Airport runway. The noise was outrageous, and the planes flew so low we could read the small print on the bottom. We got used to it. My brother, however, is now an airline pilot. I'm thinking it affected him more than it did me. He now flies into the OKC airport from that direction... he tells me it is a surreal experience, seeing it from the there and knowing so well what it looked like from the ground.

Thunderstorms. An Oklahoma thunderstorm is sometimes an awesome thing to behold.


Okay, enough nostalgia for this morning. I have a fire going in the fireplace, The Eagles blaring, and I believe I will go make an omelette and bacon for breakfast.


Saturday, January 27, 2007

Saturday Morning Toons

It's like being a kid all over again. ;-)

Elmer's Revenge:


I was told by my boss on Thursday that yesterday (Friday) was going to be a nightmare day, lots of things that had to be filed, and he was going to be in depositions for part of the day. So I prepared. When I got up yesterday I had loads of caffeine, I wore my running shoes to work.. I was good to go.

When I arrived, he hadn't started on any of it.

So while he was in his depositions, I did random chores, waiting for him to come back and pile the work on me. I didn't speak to him again until after 5:00, as I was about to leave, when the deposition had broken up for a short break. He stepped out, charmed me into making them another pot of coffee, and entertained me while I busied myself with that. After a bit I could contain it no longer.. I asked about the things that were to be done, he just said he wasn't expecting the depositions to go so long. I, in my ever helpful way, reminded him that I had said he shouldn't keep it until the last second.

I swear to God, I haven't had anyone look at me in such a murderous way since I was married.

I burst out laughing, he walked away muttering.

I love my job. hehe

Friday, January 26, 2007


My pal Sassan has announced the impending addition to his family, and posted really super duper cool 3D pictures of the new kid.

How do they do this stuff??

Thursday, January 25, 2007


Fellow Bloggers, I have decided that, after much agonizing and self-analysis and at the urging of my attorney, as well as due to privacy issues, I will not be running for the office of the President of the United States in 2008. I know this will come as a shock to some of you, and some of you will have been expecting this concession. However, I have come to realize that the private sector is where my true calling lies, and public office will demand too much from my family, not to mention wanting to avoid the failing reputation of political office.

I personally would like to thank each and every one of you, my friends and supporters. I could not have gotten this far without your undying loyalty, and I will announce my endorsement for Presidential Candidate at a later date.

Please refer all questions to my Press Secretary.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I Have An Announcement to Make

I have an extremely important announcement to make. Said announcement will be released to the general public tomorrow at approximately 8:00 p.m. EST.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

Oh Geeze

I found this on Craig's List. I'm not exactly sure how to categorize this guy.

Ugly? No problem.

Smoke? No problem.

Drink? No problem.

Poor? No problem.

Mildly handicapped? No problem.

Drug user? Sorry.

Incurable Disease? Sorry.

Ex con? Sorry.

Bad attitude? Sorry.

Likes to live in filth and clutter? Sorry.

Loves dogs? Sorry.

Religious fanatic? Sorry.

Self centered? Sorry.

Self righteous? Sorry.

I know I'm a bit picky, but I'm worth it. :-)


Before you guys start thinking me some over the top spinster who has no sense of humor - I MUST post about this site..... Manties - Panties made for men. The blurb on the page says:

For those nights and days, when you want to be and feel a little special, naughty, and very sexy, these Manties are for you. Once you have them on, it will be "hard" to take them off. They are made of nylon and have the extra room where you need it, for the most comfortable fit there is. Once you try a pair, you will wonder why you never tried them before. Panties are for the gals MANties are for the guys


Sunday, January 21, 2007

Dating Fucking Sucks

Even if we think it went well at the time, we usually seem to find out otherwise the day after. It was odd really.. I had a nice time.

I don't think I'll do it anymore.

*Insert Ironic Expression Here*

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I'm tired of the background I have up here. Its time for something new. Sooooo.. if you pop in here and there is something weird and bizarre up there, its just me, playing with the template.

Please don't gouge your eyes out if it looks bad. hehe

Friday, January 19, 2007

Gender Reassignment

My cubicle partner is a fan of the strange and bizarre, even more so than I. She came to work yesterday telling me all about the two headed girl that she saw on tv, and then shifted into the topic of what she called, "Gender Reassignment."

I sat quietly for a bit, absorbing what she had just said. "Okay, wait...." said I. "Gender reassignment? That is what, a sex change operation??" "Well yes." said she, and looked at me as if I had suddenly turned stupid.

When did "sex change operation" become "gender reassignment?" Am I showing my age here?

I did a google search for gender reassignment, and it came up with all sorts of fancy names: sex reassignment therapy, transsexual sex reassignment surgery, vaginoplasty (that one made me snicker like an adolescent).

I then did a google search for sex change operation and hit the mother lode... a handbook for transsexuals. It describes exactly how the surgery is done. I will post some of it here for your reading enjoyment:

Contrary to popular belief, the penis is not amputated during SRS. Rather, the internal penile tissue is mostly removed, but the outer skin is left attached, inverted and inserted into the body inside out as the new vagina. The testicles are removed, but the scrotal tissue is also left attached and used to fashion the vaginal lips or labia through standard plastic surgery procedures.

Here is how it happens. Once the patient has been prepped, sedated, wheeled into the operating room and anesthetized, the doctor slits the skin of the penis lengthwise from the head or glans down to the base on the underside. The skin is then peeled away from around the penis, but since the slit only opened the penis, the base of the skin is still attached.

The penile skin is then turned inside out, much like one might turn a sock inside out. When this is done, the slit is stitched back together, creating an inverted penis, which will ultimately form the new vagina.

Before this occurs, a rather miraculous, yet simple procedure is performed. Earlier, when the internal penile tissue was removed, a small stub of tissue was left behind, still attached. This is erectile tissue, which becomes stiff when stimulated, and also carries sexual sensation.

A tiny slit, perhaps a half-inch in length, is made in the new, inverted penis near the base where it is still attached. The stub of erectile tissue is pushed through the slit, forming the equivalent of a clitoris, and providing the opportunity for complete orgasm and sexual satisfaction after surgery. In addition, a second tiny slit is made below the one for the clitoris. The urinary tube is rerouted to this second slit to create a typical female urinary opening.

Once this procedure has been accomplished, the skin and muscles of the lower abdomen are lifted up with surgical instruments, providing a gap near the pelvic bone. The inverted penis is pushed into the gap, still attached at the base, so that it hinges down and into the proper location for a vagina.

To allow for proper vaginal contractions later, some of the abdominal muscles are repositions around to new vagina so that they can squeeze in on it, both by conscious control and also automatically during orgasm.

The new vagina is filled with surgical gauze to maintain shape, and then anchored in place with a thin surgical wire which enters the abdomen from the outside, runs under the pelvic bone, through the new vagina, back up around the pelvic bone and out the abdomen again. Once the vagina has healed in place, which takes approximately seven days, the wire is removed by the surgeon, who simply slips it out.

I realize I am being so completely politically incorrect here (sorry, its what I do), but this one made me laugh hysterically:

Can hormones grow beards?

Yes, for female to male transsexuals, beard growth is an immediate effect. Unfortunately, a long term effect is male pattern baldness!

Oh. My God. Still laughing.

yes... still....

*wiping tears*

Okay, I'm better now.

If you are interested in reading the entire handbook, you can see it here.

I'm a horrible person. I should be ashamed.

But I'm not.

Still laughing.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Yes Yes I Know

But I had to, this was funny.

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"So, you're a cannibal."

Friday, January 12, 2007

My Mood Lately

I have been in a crappy mood lately. I've been going through things here in the apartment and throwing a lot of stuff away... some of it I expected to never give up. Time to give it all up.

I'm making some changes and some things have to go, but this puts me in a shitty mood (mostly because I'm a sentimental git, but sentimentality gets me nowhere).

Time to take a load of crap to the dumpster.

Anyone interested in a set of ~slightly~ used handcuffs or a Grateful Dead Darkstar bear? ;-)

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Monday, January 08, 2007

I Was Double Dawg Dared

Odat sent me this in an email and double dawg dared me to post it. I am already going to Hell, so what the fuck. Just don't tell my mom I posted this, she would kill me.

P.S. Odat: You do realize this has now raised the bar on our dares, don't you? hehe

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Just An Observaton

I was watching the movie The Fugitive this morning... remember, the one with Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones, made back in the 90s. Anyway, I remember liking this movie when it first came out, and I still like it okay. But one thing I didn't remember about it was how completely and totally STUPID the Chicago police looked in this movie.

I just wonder if that made them mad at the time. I guess if they were truly that stupid, they may not have noticed, eh?

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm Just Sayin

I'm not inferring anything by this post. I'm sure we all know women like this. I'm not saying I'm the moody bitch. Or anything. No, really.

*Studying a spot on the wall over there ---------->*

I *Heart* My Whatever

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "I *Heart* My Golden Retriever. Of course they heart their Golden Retriever, who wouldn't heart a dog like that? They are gorgeous, they have long flowing hair, and they have merchandising readily available so that anyone can show their devotion to their dog. What's not to heart?

Now me, I have a bi-racial, chow/retriever mix mutt. He's the best dog ever (although he sucks at catching mice). I think he deserves a bumper sticker even more, but how many times have you seen a bumper sticker that said "I *Heart* My Bi-Racial Chow/Retriever Mix Mutt Even Though He Sucks at Catching Mice?" Never.

So in the spirit of uplifting his self-worth, I have decided to get a bumper sticker that says, "I *Heart* My Norwegian Ridgeback Mountain Shepherd.* I believe he deserves to have a breed name applied to his being.

He's a good old Norwegian Ridgeback Mountain Shepherd.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Far Out

My son has declared that he should have been of the 70s era. His main christmas this year consisted of classic 70s record albums and a record player. He has the long(ish) hair, goes for the 70s classic band posters for his walls, and has decreed that he wants a VW Van. I was of that era, and I don't think I turned out so badly (as long as you don't ask any exes, that is).

I guess I'll be on the lookout for a good used VW van for him (that hasn't been used as a storage shed, that is).

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


Chocolate Soldier? When my kids were small, if I was going to be very indulgent and allow them to have the worst thing in the world for them, it would always be Chocolate Soldier. Personally I hated the crap, it tasted like watered down chocolate milk, but for some reason my kids were enamored with it. There was a period of time that if they were given any money to buy something at the corner store, they would come out with one of these things.

After a diligent 3.5 minute search, I have been unable to find if Chocolate Soldier is still available to buy. Not that I care or anything, I just thought that maybe some of you guys would want to know.

Yeah that's it.

Monday, January 01, 2007

The 2006 Word of the Year

The Merriam-Webster Online 2006 word of the year is...........
drum roll ...................


ta daaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now. If you have read my post from earlier today, you would already know that this particular word is also on the 2006 banned word list. So what's up with this shit? Is the Banned Word List comparable to the tabloids, running an innocent word into the ground before its time? Is the Lake Superior State University on a quest to see how much it can influence our word usage?

Is Merriam-Webster Online going against the flow as a show of independence?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Banned Words?

I just read an article about a university that released a list of banned words for 2006. Here is the list:

  • Gitmo
  • Combined celebrity names
  • Awesome
  • Gone or went missing
  • Pwn or pwned, a misspelling of “own” used by online video gamers
  • Now playing in theaters
  • We’re pregnant
  • Undocumented alien
  • Armed robbery gone bad or drug deal gone bad
  • Truthiness
  • Ask your doctor
  • Chipotle
  • i-anything
  • Search
  • Healthy food
  • Boasts
First of all, to be completely nasty here, this list comes from Lake Superior State University. Apologies to anyone who attended there (yeah right), but that isn't exactly on the A list for Ivy Leagueness, is it. I would resent being told what words I couldn't use by Harvard, much less Lake Superior State University.

Second.. some of those words have been around forever, such as "search" or the phrase "Ask Your Doctor." "Chipotle" is okay to ban, that is some nasty stuff.

Who put these guys in charge of word usage?

I have to confess to being very interested in lists from past years. ;-)