Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
To die in the rain. Alone.
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ .... reboot.
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
I invented the chicken!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I don't want to be athletic if I have to look stupid.
Monday, May 29, 2006
I know there has to be a joke in there somewhere.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
1. I never went to college or university.
2. I've never smoked pot.
3. I've never traveled to another continent.
4. I've never been arrested.
5. I've never driven a stick shift.
6. I've never completely trusted anyone.
7. I've never been to New York City.
8. I've never had a one night stand.
9. I've never had a brand new car.
10. I've never had a secret admirer.
11. I've never learned another language.
12. I've never been a blonde.
13. I've never watched The Godfather.
14. I've never won more than $5.
15. I never liked the smell of Surf Detergent.
16. I've never paid to go to a concert.
17. I never learned to play a musical instrument.
18. I've never given a speech in public.
19. I've never been able to make good stuffed peppers.
20. I've never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
If you lie down with dogs, you get peed on by the incontinent dogs.This profound bit of wisdom has been brought to you by: The Letter B.
Okay, not really. It was a direct quote from Musings of Brian J. Noggle. I started reading his blog waaaay back when, when he was in the midst of a hilarious blog war with another guy. The war seems to have subsided, but he still sometimes makes me giggle.
Friday, May 26, 2006
But things, as they always seem to do, move along at a steady pace and what was bad will soon be in the past, with breathless anticipation of the uncertainty ahead. Tomorrow is like a Christmas present. It could be the most wonderful, most wished for gift you could ever want or it could be a pair of those ugly socks that your spinster aunt always seems to think you need. The only way to find out is to get up in the morning and see.
I know I haven't posted a quiz thing in quite a while. I took one tonight, and here is the result:
I've never really thought of myself as the Einstein type, but I definitely have the hair for it.
P.S. to Markoos: I am typing this entry completely in the nude. To continue with traditional topic, I am a nudist. Its true.
Okay, maybe not.
Monday, May 22, 2006
I went to the beach yesterday. It was very nice, until the crowds came, the clouds disappeared, it became blazing hot, and the flies started biting. I took a few pictures, but I have come to believe that beach pictures can never do it justice. The pictures pick up the sand and the water, but it doesn't quite pick up the colors. It doesn't accurately show the cool breeze coming off the water. It can't show the ocean smell or the sound of the surf.. but its the best I can do under the circumstances.
P.S.: The backs of my legs are very sunburnt (apparently I was careless when applying the sunscreen). It hurts to sit normally so work should be interesting. ;-)
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
However, I knew that I was not going to get out of the funk until I did something about the car. So I put an ad in the newspaper yesterday, selling it AS IS, hoping that someone would take it off my hands and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. A long shot to be sure, but what else was there to do.
Lo and behold, this morning at 7:00 a.m., my phone rang. Someone saw the ad (which was a surprise since it wasn't supposed to post until tomorrow). They asked if they could come look at it. I told them I would drive it to work and they could come there to see it. They did. They liked it. They handed me a check for what I was asking for it. I was waving enthusiastically as they drove it away.
ITS GONE ITS GONE HALLELUJAH!
I was going to have to cancel my Scotland trip but now its back on! WOOO HOOO!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Anyway, I am again carless. I am again stuck at work. I am again forced to eat that stupid healthy soup crap for lunch, and I will not think about the huge bag of peanut M&Ms that I have stashed in my drawer. Nope.
Two freaking cars and I find myself stuck.
R I D I C U L O U S
Sunday, May 14, 2006
1. Nudist Blogspot
2. Blog Add On
3. Local Band Attempts To Track Down Mysterious Visitor to Its Website
4. alligators dangerous no matter how drunk
5. star trek next generation
6. fact or crap questions
7. sinko de mayo origin
8. boondoggled (imagine that)
9. If you lived on mars you'd get an extra half hour each
I really want to know why anyone was searching for a nudist blogspot site.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Waldo? For a while I was obsessed with finding Waldo. I bought every single book (I think my son still has them). That is why when I saw
this site it brought back my obsession, albeit briefly (translation: I'm over it already but thought it would be an interesting blog post).
I wonder, just out of curiousity, how someone sitting at home one night, probably bored and wanting something to do.. how does someone come up with the idea of making a text only version of Where's Waldo? Maybe I'll email the guy who did the site and ask him. ;-)
Friday, May 12, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Does anyone know if that is an actual thing being done in the UK?
If it is I'll go, but I will have to take pictures because nobody back home will ever believe that I actually saw something like that. ;-)
1. Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written in His Language
The entire article is interviews with people who have casual dealings with the Greek man, and them complaining that he will only read Greek language newspapers and books. Classic.
2. New "Anti Abortion Pill" Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive
The first paragraph: Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.
**You know I have to have something completely politically incorrect, just to stir the rampant frenzied emotions of anyone who might stumble across this site.
3. Hormel Makes Compelling Case for Man's Last $2.39
This interesting article is a commentary on one man's epic quest to spend his last $2.39 in the tastiest way possible. News stories just don't get any better than this.
4. Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are
Every news outlet has their public service announcements. This particular article focuses on scientific proof that alligators are dangerous, and that a person's state of inebriation does not affect an alligator's ability to bite their face off. I am very impressed with their community mindedness.
5. Local Band Attempts To Track Down Mysterious Visitor to Its Website
Although there doesn't seem to be an article to this one, the mysterious headline caught my eye because it hits so close to home. I, too, have been on a similar quest. Okay, not really, but I thought the headline was a riot. ;-)
What the point is, is that when I snap awake like that, I turn on Winamp internet tv. I have a few program streams to choose from, and put a few in the queue. It always ends up on one of the versions of Star Trek. For a while it was Mythbusters, but I saw every episode of that at least twice, so now I'm on a Star Trek kick. I can't decided which version is better, either The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, or Voyager. I believe the general consensus amongst trekkies is that The Next Generation is the best, but I think I prefer Deep Space Nine. I believe that makes me a rebel among the geek community.
I have two televisions in my apartment. I rarely have either of them on, but I have started using my computer as a tv. I suck. lol
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.
Now get back to work.
The most exciting thing I have going right now is getting my car fixed. The car which has been sitting for months and gathering an impressive coating of dust. The car that I bought on my own without help from anyone. The first car that was just mine and nobody else's. Yes, that car. I have someone wanting to buy it as soon as it is fixed. That may inspire an emotional swing, I tend to get sentimentally attached to my vehicles. When I first moved to Savannah I had a 1983 customized van. Ugliest thing on the face of the earth, but I loved it. I only got rid of it when it was costing more to keep it running than it did just to go ahead and buy a new car. A lot of interesting activities went on in that van. I will never think of Sonic Drive-In in the same way. ;-)
A few interesting activites went on in my car I'm getting ready to sell. I don't think I will share any of that fact that with the person buying it though. It will be a sad day in my house when I finally sign away that car.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I vaguely remember another dream where tree roots were wrapping around the outside of my house.
I think there is something wrong with me.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
One day, after it became common knowledge that JD was gay, we were outside on our smoke break with another person from the office. We were all just chatting, nothing serious. JD was talking about his boyfriend. One of us asked JD why he and his boyfriend didn't live together. JD said that they had tried that, but that being together all the time wasn't good for them. We made the comment that they seemed to get along to us. He said, "Yes, but when we live together and up each other's ass all the time we always end up fighting."
I sat there quietly for a minute, but then the inappropriate giggles started. I tried so hard to suppress it, my face was turning red, I was studying the leaves on the magnolia tree, I was thinking about soccer... nothing worked. The other person who was out there saw the expression on my face and immediately knew what the problem was. She tried to distract JD so he wouldn't look my direction and see the pain I was in. I finally just told them I had to get back to work and ran inside.
To this day I get the giggles over the "up each other's ass" comment.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Thanks Lea. ;-)
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
P.S.: Thanks to my WRS for the cute clip art. He also did my profile picture. Pure talent I tell ya. ;-)
Markoos has done it again, posted something that made me laugh hysterically in the middle of the night. My neighbors aready think I'm a weirdo, now its confirmed and its all your fault Markoos. The "Hitler" comment is total scream.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I recently read something written by someone that I once very close with, stating that blogging is a useless hobby (possibly, but who cares), and that bloggers in particular were pathetic losers who had some sort of perverse need to share the details from their pathetic lives on a day to day basis (eh??).
Now, I have problems with that particular point of view on a lot of different levels. First of all, what other people want and/or enjoy doing in their free time has nothing at all to do with him, so why the everloving fuck would he care what other people are doing. Second, this is the same person who has caused some recent distress in my life, and assuming that he knows no other bloggers, I can only assume that that particular statement is directed towards me and my "pathetic need to share my life with strangers," a lame attempt to again belittle my life and anything and everything in it.
To address the first point, I enjoy blogging. I enjoy reading other people's blogs, I enjoy writing on this one. I am glad some of you like what I write enough to continue to come here to read the posts, but even if you didn't come, I would still blog. I find it very relaxing. I don't have the attention span enough to write a book, so a blog is just the thing.
Secondly, my life is, and has always been, an open book. I don't care who holds me up for judgment. If someone has a question, I will (almost always) answer and answer painfully honestly. The only thing that bothers me about what he said is that I continue to have an irrational respect for the man, and it is always an unpleasant surprise to find another thing that is not mutual.
Also, it is a bit shocking to find that attitude amongst anyone. I have found (up until now) that most everyone is fascinated with the blogging culture, including people who aren't especially knowledgeable about that sort of thing.
Life is strange at times, isn't it.
Even the coffee ones. ewwww
Even the coconut ones. icky
Yup, even the caramel apple flavored ones. blech
Up for bid on Ebay..... Cheap....one jar half full of Jelly Bellies...lots of black ones because I despise the black ones. Actually, I despise em all now.
Baby cleared in Robbery (That's a relief. I was worried.)
Woman not amused to come home and find Strange Naked Guy in her bed
For all the Trekkies who thought it couldn't get any worse: rumors that Ben Affleck will have a leading role in the next movie
Man lives in treehouse for 50 years to get away from nagging wife
Female teachers angered after they're banned from wearing "super-short" skirts. How the hell are they supposed to entice their students into having sex with them now?
Hacker hacks signboards on Canada's busiest commuter railroad to say that the prime minister eats babies (I had to provide the link to that one, it was very funny.)
Fraud charges dismissed against Limbaugh. Still faces charges of gross windbaggery and vowel over-ennunciation
Hollywood wants to calm the panic with it's new made-for-TV movie, "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America" (If any of you are panicking over bird flu, email me so I can make fun of you in private.)
Having the air conditioner break down is bad, but not as bad as waking up with some pervert's tongue in your ear (This must be the companion story to finding a strange naked guy in your bed.)
Real love doesn't have to beg.
P.S.: Yes I remembered my deoderant today, thanks for asking. ;-)